What's the point in moving into a multi-storey mansion if you don't even use all the rooms in your current bungalow? That, perhaps, is the question potential creditors asked Liverpool when the Reds recently came looking for a mortgage for their notional new stadium. By way of answer, Liverpool presumably sat in confused silence, drool slowly seeping from their mouths.
The solution is obvious - which is perhaps why Rafa Benitez refuses to recognise it. The Anfield pitch is 101 metres long and 68 metres wide. What a waste! The minimum permitted dimensions are 90mx45m. That means Liverpool could narrow their pitch by over 11 metres on each side, ie remove the flanks that they've long left fallow anyway. They could also shorten the pitch by 11 metres, thereby giving an even greater role to one of their most creative players, Pepe Reina. Not only would this condensed pitch suit Benitez's guileless brand of football, but extra seating could be erected on the rezoned metres, adding thousands to Anfield's capacity, almost rendering a new stadium redundant, and freeing up more money for Benitez to spend on strikers whose lack of pace makes them ideal for conversion into ineffective wingers. If ever one decides to emulate Ryan Babel by saving the side from costly Champions League humiliation with a wonderful cross from near the touchline in the 27th minute of extra-time against Belgian hicks, he can be dropped for the next match so that Robbie Keane can again totter fruitlessly down the channels. If Fernando Torres then gets injured chasing yet another over-hit pass, Keane can be left marooned on the left while a cut-price import from PSG reserves lurches around up front instead of the £20m striker. His confidence duly shattered, Keane will be ready for redeployment in his preferred position, where, when a punt over the top lands in his path in the 72nd minute, he will dither uncharacteristically and allow someone such as Nigel Reo-Coker to hurtle back and cut him down with an embarrassing last-ditch tackle. Then Keane can be withdrawn – taking the value of the strikers who've left the pitch in the course of the 0-0 draw with a team beaten by Stoke the previous weekend to £50m – and replaced by Yossi Benayoun, who no longer knows where his best position is but is sure that if he does excel he will be benched for the next match.
What's the Booer's war for?
Booing Joey Barton as a way of voicing disapproval of assaults - perhaps even discouraging them - is fine. If, however, those who booed Barton at the Emirates on Saturday were suggesting Newcastle should have sacked the midfielder and, by extension, that no other club should employ him, it is worth wondering what they expected Barton to do for the rest of his life after serving the time for his crime? Take up a different trade? Such as what? Teacher, plumber, doctor, lawyer? What jobs would you have him do if not the one he's best at? If the booers are in favour of eternal punishment, why not go the whole hog and call for him to be sent to the electric chair, you fools?
Barton dealt with the hostility sensibly – by trying to laugh it off while continuing to play his game. His tackle on Samir Nasri was aggressive but perfectly fair. Nasri's subsequent sly trip was, strictly speaking, not fair, but in a sense that too was good to see: it showed that those who fretted that he may not be able to adapt to the rough and tumble of the Premier League underestimated the resolve of player who had played over 150 matches in Ligue 1 by 21, half of them in the cauldron that is the Velodrome. His naughty retaliation demonstrated a refusal to be physically intimidated. And, indeed, that he has yet another characteristic in common with Zidane.
