A theguardian.com/sport GUARANTEE: Should Joey Barton return to action for Newcastle at any point today, this report will be a Sanctimony-Free Zone™ He's done his time, now let's move on. OK, Newcastle have not won at Arsenal since Christmas 2001, when a 3-1 win put them top of the table and sent Tinytears Thierry Henry into a flat spin. Pained by some perceived slight or other, Henry had to be manhandled off the pitch and away from referee Graham Poll by his own team-mates. A similar fit of pique from one of the players today at some point would, let's face it, be most entertaining. The kick off is at 5.30pm; I'll be here about half an hour earlier with the teams.
Arsenal Football Club have named their representative team for today's association football fixture: Manuel Almunia, Bacary Sagna, Kolo Toure, William Gallas (c), Gael Clichy, Emmanuel Eboue, Denilson, Cesc Fabregas, Samir Nasri, Robin van Persie, Emmanuel Adebayor.
Substitute players: Lukasz Fabianski, Carlos Vela, Theo Walcott, Aaron Ramsey, Alex Song, Johan Djourou, Nicklas Bendtner.
Newcastle United Football Club have responded in kind: Shay Given, Habib Beye, Jose Enrqiue, Steven Taylor, Fabricio Coloccini, Danny Guthrie, Nicky Butt, Jonas Gutierrez, Charles N'Zogbia, Michael Owen (c), Shola Ameobi.
Replacement pool, including Joey Barton: Steve Harper, Sebastien Bassong, Joey Barton, David Edgar, Ben Tozer, Ryan Donaldson, Nile Ranger (who is a teenage striker and not, as you could be forgiven for thinking, a 4x4 utility vehicle).
Referee: Rob Styles.
Obvious but nevertheless mildly amusing joke by Gary Naylor which would make more sense if we could do strikethroughs on this website, because there should be one through the word "before": "Barton will be before on the bench today. Keegan will bring him on if Newcastle are one down to lend some punch to the attack and... er... get them out of jail."
MBM Reporter Not Doing Their Job Properly shock! "Maverick that you are I see you have refused to follow tradition in listing the birthplace of the referee," writes Ian Copestake, typing with one hand, wagging a finger with the other. "Kindly update with the information that not only is Rob Styles from Waterlooville in Hampshire but he has his own website: www.robstyles.com." In the caring, sharing tradition of the information superhighway, I've put a link in. But you're not actually going to click on it, any of you, are you? Are you?
MBM Reporter Not Doing Their Job Properly II: Ah yes, I see if you actually click on the link, as opposed to simply bunging any old tat up without checking it, www.robstyles.com is a part of cyberspace dedicated to a popular platter-spinning "deejay". I guess I should count my lucky stars it wasn't hardcore bongo.
And we're off! Newcastle get the ball rolling and enjoy 30 seconds or so of possession. I have a strange feeling they are going to win this game. Don't ask me why.
2 min: A strong start from Arsenal. Fabregas slides a reverse pass straight down the centre of the pitch into the Newcastle area. For a second it looks like Van Persie is going to get ahead of Coloccini and get a shot on target from the right, but the defender slides in to concede a corner.
3 min: Two corners in quick succession for Arsenal, the second of which sees the miss of the season from William Gallas. From the right a header's flicked on to the far post, leaving Given stranded. Steaming in unchallenged is Gallas, who meets the falling ball with the side of his foot two yards out and manages to lift it over the bar, out of the stadium, and halfway down Holloway Road. That was spectacularly awful.
5 min: Newcastle really are on the back foot here. First Clichy forces the busy Coloccini to hack clear and concede a throw deep in Newcastle territory, then Toure has a thump from 25 yards; his low effort is centimetres wide of the right-hand post. Meanwhile Mac Millings clicked on the Rob Styles link. "It was interesting," he lies, "if a little disconcerting, to learn that the ref is going to be doing it 'Robbie Style' tonight.
7 min: Direct stuff from Arsenal. Fabregas fires a 30-yard pass along the ground to Van Persie, who takes the ball from the centre circle straight down the park to the Newcastle box and has a flay from the edge of the area. It's low, hard, and on target, but Given takes the sting out of the shot easily enough. "Gary Naylor might believe Joey Barton's return is welcome for Newcastle, but I for one think he's far from ready for a return to first-team action," suggests James Marsh. "I mean, doing a quick stretch in between matches is hardly sufficient preparation for the rigours of the Prem."
10 min: Newcastle are all over the shop at the moment. They're relying on either Owen, N'Zogbia or Ameobi to hold up panicked hoofed clearances from defence. Sadly, none of them have been able to do it so far. They've just flashed up the possession stats box, and Arsenal have enjoyed 73% of it. The possession, that is, not the possession stats box; that's strictly 50-50.
13 min: Arsenal knock it around the back for a couple of minutes, then eventually spring forward through Toure. But his long ball towards Van Persie was, well, far too long. Newcastle seem happy enough to let them do this all day; Arsenal will need to keep their early tempo up if they want to win this.
16 min: Nasri shimmies and shuffles beautifully down the left, then loses the ball the minute he gets near the box. He'll have a great career at Arsenal, this boy.
17 min: PENALTY TO ARSENAL! Adebayor breaks clear down the right and his dinked cross is handled by N'Zogbia's trailing arm. It is a reasonable decision, though I would venture to suggest that, should one of the self-styled Big Four committed this offence, the witless "no intent" defence would have been trotted out.
18 min: GOAL!!! Arsenal 1-0 Newcastle. Robin van Persie makes no mistake from the spot, smashing the ball low, hard and true past Given into the bottom-right corner. Given went the right way but he had no chance whatsoever. A simply wonderful penalty.
21 min: Newcastle enjoy their first sustained period of play in the Arsenal half. Gutierrez and Jose Enrique doss around by the left-hand corner flag for what seems like hours. Then a long-ball's whipped across to Ameobi on the right; with two men around him he so nearly manages to execute a Cruyff Turn and flee into the area. Sublime skill, but great defending by Gallas, who reacts at the death to calmly toe the ball clear.
25 min: This game has suddenly, strangely, died. The crowd have suddenly stopped singing too. I think I can hear the 17.58 to Hornsey pulling out of Finsbury Park station.
27 min: Newcastle win a free kick 35-40 yards out, dead centre. The ball nearly reaches Ameobi's head six yards out, but the flag goes up for offside, and it's cleared anyway. "It's not fair to call the big four 'self-styled'," argues John Gibbs. "They never call themselves that, but always diplomatically refer to the threat of Spurs. It is journos like you who call them the big four." Yes, fair point, we're talking out of our hats. Because it's really a Big Two now, isn't it? Give it a couple more years and it'll be a Big One. Thanks for that, Roman! Thanks!
30 min: Coloccini is booked for cynically tripping Adebayor as he rushes towards the Newcastle area. The resulting free kick from Van Persie is utter balls.
31 min: Arsenal win another free kick just outside the Newcastle box. For what I know not, because I was concentrating on typing the word "balls" in the last entry at the time. This time Van Persie's effort is a cracker, a powerful curling effort towards the top-left corner which Given spectacularly paws out for a corner. From that corner, everyone's time is wasted.
33 min: A lovely move by Newcastle: Coloccini plays the ball from the back along the floor to Gutierrez, who swishes the ball immediately wide to Owen, allowing the striker to scamper down the right wing. The attack eventually peters out, but was worth mentioning because it suggests it might be worth playing Arsenal at their own passing game rather than simply putting in reducers. Arsenal's midfield was quite easily bypassed then.
36 min: What a miss from Owen. Gutierrez powers down the inside-right channel and cuts a ball across the Arsenal six-yard box. Owen and Ameobi get in each other's way, however, the former eventually screwing wide left from six yards. That should have been an equaliser, and well might you hold your head in your hands, young Michael.
37 min: How many terrible misses can one match generate? Now Adebayor sidefoots wide left from eight yards, when he surely should have scored after Van Persie slid a clever ball into the box.
40 min: The players have stopped doing anything worthwhile again. The ebb and flow of this match is very odd. The singing has stopped too. The 6.13 to Welwyn Garden City pulls slowly away from platform 2.
41 min: WONDERFUL GOAL!!! Arsenal 2-0 Newcastle. The singing has started again, and how. This was so simple. Adebayor bursts down the right, fires a low cross into the box towards Eboue, who backheels to Van Persie on the penalty spot. The Dutch striker smashes his shot high and hard into the roof of the net. Eboue had to stretch for his backheel, which had an odd kind of clumsy beauty.
43 min: Mike Ashley is spotted in the crowd, squeezed into that bloody ridiculous replica shirt, chewing on his nails. That's good, yes? Nails are low-calorie, right?
44 min: Jose Enrique limps off injured, to be replaced by Sebastien Bassong. This has been a disastrous half for the visitors.
HALF TIME: Arsenal 2-0 Newcastle. It nearly gets a whole lot better for Newcastle. Guthrie floats a free kick straight into the Arsenal area. Owen peels away on the left and dinks a header over Almunia from a tight angle. It's dropping in but the keeper somehow arcs his back and extends his fingers to tip over. And that's the last action of the half.
Half-time request: "Please could you post the link to the donation page for tomorrow's micro-celebrity 13-mile waddle?" writes Mac Millings. "Because I (and others of this parish, I suspect) have nothing better to do right now than give money to an excellent cause." Sure thing, Mac. Here you go. For those of you who don't know what Mac is going on about, he's after donating to the Teenage Cancer Trust in memory of Laurie Engel, whose tragic story you can read about here. (The micro-celebrity waddlers, incidentally, include Rob 'Straight-Bat Bobbie' Smyth and Gary Naylor, it says here. Oh me, oh my.)
And we're off again! Arsenal get the ball rolling and enjoy 30 seconds or so of possession. I have a strange feeling they are going to win this game. Don't ask me why.
46 min: Butt rakes his studs down the inside of Van Persie's leg. In the stands, Mike Ashley has just downed what looked like a pint of Special Drink in one. The owner of the club, in the stands, trollying booze. This is all very Ipswich Town circa 1961. Oh Mike! Where is the dignity?
49 min: N'Zogbia takes the worst free kick in the world from just outside the area on the right. The ball is now bouncing down Upper Street in Islington. "May I ask one question?" asks Patrick O'Brien, using it up. Oh alright. "Do you really expect every corner to result in a goal?" Just one or two, sometimes, that's all I'm asking. Is that too much? Incidentally, for some reason Patrick's subject heading was "Corner Hotel, Richmond". Is that the one by Scotch Corner on the roundabout before you get to Skeeby?
52 min: A couple of bookings. Fabregas upends Beye with a terribly late sliding tackle and picks up a yellow. Given is booked for racing out from his area to have a whine about it.
54 min: Eboue tears up the centre of the pitch past three challenges and lays the ball off to Van Persie just outside the Toon area. That's a great run, and a pathetic pass; the ball is just behind the striker and Beye is able to step in and snuff out the danger.
56 min: From a left-sided corner, Butt sort of heads, sort of shoulders the ball over Almunia and onto the top of the crossbar. That's the nearest Newcastle have come to a goal, and the nearest they are going to get, the way they have been playing.
59 min: THIS IS JUST BRILLIANT: Arsenal 3-0 Newcastle. Nasri has the ball at his feet in the left-hand side of the area, four men around him. He slips the ball right to Denilson, but the Brazilian dummies, runs to the right of the box, and waits for Adebayor to glide the ball to his feet. He prods the ball past Given, who is rooted to the spot, into the bottom left corner. That is majestic.
61 min: Van Persie belabours the ball off the underside of the bar from a tight angle on the left. It's cleared. That's his last contribution of the afternoon; he's injured himself in the process and is replaced with the Mexican, Carlos Vela.
64 min: Kevin Keegan is in a deep blue funk on the sideline. His team are being played off the park in an embarrassing fashion here. Anyway, there's a bit of a lull, and Tommer Spence would like to make a "Very Important Announcement!!!", so we might as well let him. "A Facebook page dedicated to these very MBMs has been created," he announces, very importantly. "Let all those who rejoice in these weekly delights join, and show their admiration and gratitude to one of the top nine live football blogging events on the world wide web!" I've just had a look at that page. Why have you employed the word "best" four times? I can't understand this at all.
66 min: The Setanta commentator points out that Michael Owen celebrates three years as a Newcastle player tomorrow. Just as he says it, a caption flashes up which says "Michael Owen: total ball touches - 23." I think it refers to this particular match, but one should never make assumptions.
69 min: Denilson is replaced by Alex Song.
72 min: This is just a training session now. Eboue goes off to applause, while Walcott trots on.
74 min: Toure heads straight at Given from four yards out. That should have been number four; it was nearly as bad a miss as Gallas's effort. This could - and indeed should - have been a rout.
78 min: Bugger all is going on, so why not let's enjoy A QUICK PINT with Mike Ashley: "This is all very Ipswich Town circa 1961... what?" asks Alan Cooper. "You mean the start of Town's Championship season? I bet Newcastle fans wouldn't object to that." I bet they wouldn't, Alan. I was more thinking about the fact their boardroom was famously swimming in booze at the time. On this subject, Dominik Tichar is currently watching this match in Argentina. "The commentators did not appreciate the pint-downing capacities of Mike Ashley," he reports. "A wild savage was the words they used to describe him, I guess it is only the English who can appreciate this beautiful art."
80 min: A free kick just outside the area brings another fine save from Given, as Nasri attempts a curler into the top-right corner only to see it fingertipped away. "No, no it's not," replies Patrick O'Brien, in an email headed "Skeeby Hotel, Corner" which will make sense only if you have been concentrating.
82 min: Vela cuts inside from the right. Vela is nearly on the byline; with Walcott in the centre free, he decides to try beating Given at his near post. That was never going to happen.
85 min: MIKE ASHLEY IS OFF TO THE PUB. Well, he's left the stand in a stomping funk, anyway.
86 min: Sublime from Arsenal. Vela's backheel sends Nasri haring into the Newcastle half. They're three on one. Another backheel sees the ball moved on to Adebayor, who glides into the centre then rolls a goal on a plate out right to Walcott. Showing what hanging around with seasoned England internationals at a major tournament can do to a man, he shanks the ball wide from 12 yards. Oh dear. That was a beautiful move, though.
88 min: To loud boos, Joey Barton takes the place of Gutierrez. His first challenge is a slightly clumsy two-footed lunge on Nasri. Dear me. Meanwhile David Edgar comes on for Beye.
90 min: Clichy nutmegs Barton. You would not believe the volume of the cheers. Nasri is booked for a late challenge on the same player. Barton knows how to make an entrance, you've got to give him that.
FULL TIME: Arsenal 3-0 Newcastle United. A more comprehensive win you are very unlikely to see. Arsenal were fantastic at times. Newcastle, however, were appalling. "Newcastle get the ball rolling and enjoy 30 seconds or so of possession. I have a strange feeling they are going to win this game. Don't ask me why." Sports Journalist Of The Year, please! Pulitzer, please!
