Transfer activity around Goodison Park has been so thin on the ground this summer that rumour has it that when out-of-contract Lars Christian Jacobsen turned up for his Everton medical this week, the Toffees' janitor had the unenviable task of arranging a meeting with chairman Bill Kenwright to negotiate a price for the two squirts of oil required to get the seized up entrance door swinging freely again.
The Mill can only presume he was successful in doing so, as wiry 1970s cop lookalike David Moyes appears determined to get at least one more player through the portal before the transfer window closes. And £10m-rated Newcastle winger James Milner is the player topping his wish list. They'll have a tough time persuading him not to go to Aston Villa mind, as manager Martin O'Neill is waving his arms and winking furiously in Milner's direction. Kenwright meanwhile, says Everton are still in the market for Sporting's Joao Moutinho, but his valuation of £20m more than two squirts of oil might force Everton into a £10m bid for Galatasaray's defensive midfielder Mehmet Topal instead. If all that fails then the Toffees have been offered Swedish fossil Henrik Larsson on a free transfer after he fell out with Helsingborg's chairman – presumably about the price of oil.
Spurs are another club to have been offered 36-year-old Larsson free of charge and they might be keen to take him as a stopgap replacement for Dimitar Berbatov if, as expected, Manchester United bean-counters finally put the glowering Bulgarian out of his misery by stuffing £30m in an envelope and addressing it "White Hart Lane". But the screeching sound of the wheels of Spartak Moscow striker Roman Pavlyuchenko's plane landing at Heathrow to complete a £12m move to N17 may scupper a London move for Larsson.
Elsewhere, Man City would appear to be rich again. After sealing Shaun Wright-Phillips' £9m move from Chelsea yesterday, the Sky Blues have agreed to take Argentina international right-back Pablo Zabaleta off Espanyol's hands for £6m. Chelsea meanwhile, may have to spend £31m on something other than Robinho after Real Madrid president Ramon Calderon stood firm in his refusal to sanction the transfer.
Martin O'Neill was so impressed by Standard Liège midfielder Marouane Fellaini's performance against Liverpool that he's willing to offer £5m for the curly-haired box-to-box man. Paul Ince's quest to bring all of his mates to Ewood Park continues apace and his £1.3m bid for MK Dons captain Keith Andrews appears sufficient to prise him away from Stadium MK. Down at Fratton Park Harry Redknapp has been wandering around the local salvage yard, where he stumbled across a nice little runner among the wrecks in the shape of Fredrik Ljungberg. He's unattached so expect him to join Portsmouth shortly.
Over in Lahn's east end, beleagured West Ham boss Alan Curbishley has adopted the Comical Ali approach to dealing with meltdown by sticking his fingers in his ears, shouting "La! La! La!" and pretending it ain't 'appening. With Anton Ferdinand, John Pantsil, Bobby Zamora and Richard Wright all having fled Upton Park, and Matthew Upson and Carlton Cole the latest players to paint S-O-S on the roof of the Bobby Moore stand in big white letters, Curbishley thinks 18-year-old Leicester centre-back Joe Mattock will solve the Hammers' problems. He'll have to stump up £5m and beat off Sunderland and Newcastle for his signature though.
And in his attempts to keep Stoke up, manager Tony Pulis sees nothing wrong with buying players with experience of relegation. The sum of £2.5m should be enough to tempt Reading to let Ibrahim Sionko follow Dave Kitson to the Britannia Stadium.
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