Howard Swains 

Wednesday’s football transfer rumours: Anyone Brazilian to Chelsea

Kaka, Fabiano and Robinho to Chelsea | Ljungberg to Portsmouth | Grella to Blackburn
  
  

Kaka
The Messiah has been approached by Chelsea for Kaka. Photograph: Jamie McDonald/Getty Images Photograph: Jamie McDonald/Getty

Pity the sub-editors at one of the nation's most starry newspapers, who learned yesterday that the one-time Jamiroquai muse Denise Van Outen had ruled out a move to Los Angeles, not because California is already overrun with front-heavy, brain-light, former Big Breakfast sofa-sizzlers, but because she'll miss British cooking too much. How to convey such anguish in a mere five words allotted for a headline on page three? Why, "Den stays for a roast", of course, which in no way, oh no oh no, is suggestive of the kind of manouevres most associated with duos of Premier League footballers emerging from Travel Tavern wardrobes, steeled by Bacardi Breezers and armed with YouTube logins.

Meat, however, and its associated analogies, plays a prominent role on today's back pages as well, with Dimitar Berbatov preparing for a spell rotting in the Tottenham reserves; Alan Curbishley to be sliced from West Ham's payroll; and Emmanuel Adebayor facing the fearful sight of Arsene Wenger's chop.

The delicate membrane of shrink-wrap dividing the world and Freddie Ljungberg's giblets is also set to be peeled back at Portsmouth in the coming days, while Vince "The Griller" Grella will soon be firing up his barbie in Lancashire, after Paul Ince agreed a fee to bring the Australian midfielder to Blackburn.

The Manchester United defender Nemanja Vidic, presumably won't be coming to any patio-based jamboree, after he revealed his beef with the English weather: "You only get a brief glimpse of sunlight before it's all cloudy again ... and it rains, rains, rains."

Another famous roaster/roastee - nothing was proved, they looked like women, all right - Ronaldo will be sampling Mark Hughes's meatloaf if the Manchester City boss can wrap up an audacious deal for the Brazilian striker. He'll find Shaun Wright-Phillips already curled up in a basket beside Hughes's Aga, once Chelsea accept the £9m it'll take to let the winger go crawling back to the comfort of City's bosom with his tail between his legs.

Now that the stun-gun has finally been applied to the temple of Andriy Shevchenko's Chelsea career, Peter Kenyon is patrolling the rich pastures of Brazil and aiming his lassoo weft from gold fibres at the hooves of Robinho, Luis Fabiano and Kaka. He'll string Robinho to the Chelsea production line for £28.4m, Fabiano for £18m, with Jesus, who owns Kaka's player registration (see pic), demanding £80m. Whatever happens, a dazed Didier Drogba is listening with apprehension to those blood-curdling cries emanating from behind the big floppy plastic door.

Other mechanically-recovered chicken nuggets: Wigan are chewing over a move for the South Korean Chu-Young Park; Birmingham are balancing the alliterative bonus of bringing Bobo Balde to Brum; Everton are stewing over the Young Boys of Berne defender Kamil Zayatte, and Stoke and Blackburn can tear and gnash at the Lens midfielder Kanga Akale.

Feel free to share your thoughts on the latest transfer shennanigansin our comments section below.

 

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