Teams:
Stoke: Sorensen, Griffin, Abdoulaye Faye, Sonko, Higginbotham, Soares, Olofinjana, Diao, Delap, Sidibe, Kitson.
Subs: Simonsen, Whelan, Cresswell, Fuller, Shawcross, Amdy Faye, Tonge.

Tottenham: Gomes, Hutton, Woodgate, Corluka, Bale, Lennon, Zokora, Jenas, Modric, Bentley, Bent.
Subs: Cesar, Huddlestone, Campbell, Dawson, O'Hara, Assou-Ekotto, Pavlyuchenko.

Referee: Lee Mason (Lancashire)

Preamble:
They had Aaron Lennon on the right but were weak on the left so Spurs this summer splurged £15m on David Bentley – a right-winger. They then spent £1.8m on Roman Pavlyuchenko before discovering he's a replacement for Darren Bent, the one member of last season's striking quartet that they hadn't sold. In his four appearances since then Russian has mustered a grand total of one shot on target. Now, is anybody still confused as to why Spurs, with just four goals, are the Premier League's lowest scorers?

Surprisingly, there is a team that has registered even less shots on target than Tottenham this season. That team is Stoke. We are, therefore, entitled to fear an untidy 0-0 draw this afternoon. And yet …

That would be result that would embarrass both teams even if, of course, it would be preferable to a defeat. Oh yes, defeat could conceivably lock the losers into a cycle from which they may not escape. This, then, is a huge match and the stakes might just generate a thriller, he said somewhat desperately.

3:41pm: While the loss of Pavlyuchenko may not be grievous, the mysterious absence of Ledley King could be particularly problematic today - we were told this week that he had returned to fitness so why isn't he playing? And if he can't be there for some reason, why not deploy Michael Dawson, who is eminently more equipped to repel Stoke's inevitable aerial bombardment than Vedran Corluka is? Is this the Strangeitude Ozric Tenatcles warned s about?

3:50pm: Rory Delap throw-ins: what else in football generates such a sense of anticipation? Long diagonal crosses to Niall Quinn's head used to. Cristiano Ronaldo and Theo Walcott receiving the ball with space to run into still does. Lyon's Juninho sizing up a freekick anywhere in the opposition's half does. Anyone got any others? A Titus Bramble backpass perhaps?

3:52pm: Coffee anyone? OK, just me. Fine. Back in a minute.

3:54pm: Pursuing our theme of events that generate anticipation in football matches, George Templeton burps: "You always get exited when Paul Robinson has to deal with a free kick near his goal and set up a wall."

3:57pm: Stomp, stomp, stomp. The idiot convention! No, hang on, that's an Anthrax song. What I meant was "out comes the teams".

3:58pm: I was at Craven Cottage yesterday and was pleased to see a statue of Johnny Haynes unveiled outside the ground. Less pleasing, alas, was the fact that in the ensuing match, entertaining though it was, none of the Fulham or Sunderland players were able to produce a performance worthy of The Maestro. Today, however, carefully-coiffed David Bentley seems determined to pay tribute to the man who was also known as Brylcream Boy.

1 min: We have kick-off! "You can't stress how big a game this is for Juande Ramos," says Sky's Richard Keyes, who has been doing just that for the last half an hour.

2 min: Zokora won possession in midfield and romped down the right, looked around for support, saw there was none, and fell over. 3 min:

3 min: Top atmosphere: the Britannia is bouncing! Despite the fact they've had little to get excited about so far, though the home crowd did get a good chuckle out of a dreadfully wayward Modric pass a moment ago.

5 min: The contrast in styles is predictably stark, Tottenham attempting to zip the ball around on the deck, Stoke taking the more direct route. But so far neither have made significant inroads into the opposing defences.

7 min: Bentley, who has begun on the right as Lennon loiters in the hole behind Bent (a role that Bentley has previously demonstrated his inadequacy at), charges down the wing ... and all the way out over the by-line.

8 min: Great chance for Stoke, and created through slick passing on the floor! After a flowing move Delap picked the ball up on the left wing, cut inside and, rather than shoot from the edge of the box, slipped the ball in to the unmarked Soares, who sidefooted it straight at Gomes from 15 yards!

9 min: Delap hurls in his first throw of the game, and Gomes does well to punch it clear with Kitson challenging.

11 min: Nifty play by Jenas, who collected a nice ball from Zokora and threaded it through to Bent. The striker hit it first time but his shot was blocked by Sonko.

13 min: Gomes rolls the ball out to Woodgate, who surveys his options, sees he has none, and simply bangs a hopeful punt forward for Bent to chase. It runs out of play before he can get there. The lack of movement when Woodgate was looking for someone to pass to there betrays the low confidence in this Spurs side. Players are hiding.

15 min: Zokora climbs over Sidibe to concede a free-kick just inside the Spurs' half. It's launched long into the box and Gomes again comes to claim it. He, at least, isn't lacking confidence.

17 min: Bentley delivers a decent cross, and Bent effects a decent header. But Sorenson saves.

Oh dear, oh dear. Penalty to Stoke as Bales chops down Soares at the edge of the area. The Welshman was the last defender and is sent off!

19 min: Comical scenes as the wind, or possibly Uri Geller, continually blows the ball off the spot, preventing Higginbotham from taking the penalty!

GOAL! Stoke 1-0 Spurs (Higginbotham, pen, 18') With regular taker Liam Lawrence out injured following a collision with canine, the burly left-back steps up and hammers it blasts it low into the corner. Excellent penalty.

20 min: Ramos may rejig things but at the moment poor old Zokora is having to fill in at left-back in place of th departed Bale.

22 min: Things folks enjoy doing of a Sunday afternoon: mowing the lawn; smoking pipes; quaffing mead ... anything really, except sending emails to forlorn minute-by-minute hacks.

GOAL! Stoke 1-1 Spurs (Bent 25')

25 min: At last a bit of luck for Tottenham. Hutton wandered in from the right and let fly from 25 yards. It was a wobbly effort that wouldn't have troubled the keeper but it deflected off a defender and into the path of the offside Bent, who controlled it before stabbing it into the net.

27 min: Spurs enjoy a good spell of possession and eventually work the ball out to Lennon on the left. The little lad, who has been only peripheral to the game so far, scurries between two defenders and into the box. His low cross is good, but Stoke manage to scramble it away.

30 min: "How much do these fools get paid? Snaps self-declared 'chirpy Spurs fans' Sundeep Bharma. "I could play better than them for free in a pair of plimsoles." That would have been apt a few minutes ago, Sundeep, but since their equaliser Spurs have been the more purposeful team. Despite their numerical disadvantage, they're starting to pin Stoke back with sharp passing ...

33 min: Diao gifts the ball to Jenas, who races forward, then turns back, and Spurs begin to probe anew. Bentley eventually picked it up just outside the box, and attempted a dinky lob that was in fact a woeful waste, unless his real intention was to bring the fans behind the goal into play. "As a Spurs fan I just thought I'd tell you that I put my boot through the TV about 10 minutes ago and I now have to rely on MBM," froths Seth Ennis. "Oh, and nice try to generate interest, but I don't for a second believe that Spurs have equalised."

36 min: More good stuff from Spurs. That perhaps needs to be repeated: more good stuff from Spurs. After a steady build-up, Modric dashed into the box and fired a powerful left-footer just over the bar.

37 min: Hutton, who has been overlapping constantly throughout the half, raids down the right again. Higginbotham blocks his cross and immediately wishes he hadn't, because the ball struck him in what prudish commentators like to describe as his "lower abdomen". No pity: corner to Spurs.

39 min: Lovely play by Lennon, who ghosted past two in midfielder before unleashing an uncharacteristically accurate shot from 30 yards. Sorenson had to excel to save.

42 min: Spurs are well on top now, picking and probing relentlessly. Stoke look like big petrified plodders. Funny that.

44 min: Kitson touches the ball for the first time in an age, and Woodgate rewards him by clattering into his backside. Free-kick, and Stoke cleverly work it out wide and win a throw-in: Delap steps up, lashes it into the six-yard box and again Gomes punches it well clear. "After a season of failed strategies Ramos has lucked upon a successful one - playing with 10 men," guffaws Randy Denton. "Let's deploy nine and soar straight to the top of the table!"

45+1 min: Ramos bestrides the touchline making "calm down" gestures to his lads, for some reason. Corluka, meanwhile, races to intercept a Faye through-ball and then holds off Diao before clearing. Corluka, it must be said, has done well so far. "I've just woken up after a snooze provoked by two 5am starts to watch the India vs Australia Second Test, so I'm slightly disoriented," bluffs Gary Naylor, whom we all know has been quaffing mead. "It's 2010 and this is the Championship Play-Off Final, right?"

45+3 min: After an outstanding tackle by Sonko on Jenas, the ref blows for a half-time.

Half-time analysis: "Tony Pulis should tell his team that Paul Robinson is no longer keeper for Tottenham, smacking the ball forward and hoping it bounces hilariously over his head and in is not going to work," parps James Wells. "Juande Ramos should tell Aaron Lennon that someone apparently shaved off half his eyebrow while he slept. Maybe Lennon could find a matching hat to go with his gloves that will hide his demibrow?" to those of you wondering whether Lennon is the first player to wear gloves in the Premeir League this season, the answer is no. Pascal Chimbonda was, of course, wearing them at sunny Craven Cottage yesterday.

46 min: The second period is about to begin, but before that here's some news from elsewhere: West Ham, who will be relegated this season, have lost 1-0 at Hull. "We should come up with rules for a drinking game to be played alongside this game if you're mentioning mead," belches Brandon Clements. "First rule: drink for the entire time the ball is in the air during a Delap throw-in."

47 min: Spurs resume where they left off, monopolising possession ...

48 min: A throw-in to Stoke, to be taken by you know who. It's level with the 18-yard line, and Woodgate heads it clear.

50 min: Delap hurls in another thrown - from 35 yards - and this time Gomes can only fumble it behind for a corner. Soares's delivery fails to beat the defender at the near post, drawing scornful howls from the home crowd.

52 min: Woodgate nods away another Delap throw-in. Thee game has been very scrappy over the last few minutes, which suits Stoke fine ...

GOAL! Stoke 2-1 Spurs (Delap 53')

53 min: It wasn't a throw-in! It as, in fact, a delicately crafted goal to admire. Stoke dinked the ball around before feeding Sidibe wide on the right and the striker curled a sumptuous low cross to the back post, where Delap arrived unmarked and prodded it easily into the net.

55 min: Stoke substitution: Kitson off, having done precisely nothing, Ricardo Fuller on. "Here's a good drinking game," announces James Wells. "Take a sip every time the following sequence occurs: A Stoke midfielder weakly passes the ball directly to a Tottenham player, who attempts a clearance, but bounces it directly off the Stoke midfielder. The ball falls to a second Stoke player who's pass to a teammate is 4 meters in front of him and goes directly into touch." You're out of touch, James, Stoke are suddenly slick.

57 min: Ramos and Gus Poyet are deep in consultation on the Spurs bench. What could they be talking about? Introducing Frazier Campbell? Giving Giovani a go? How to find buyers for their London houses in the current economic climate?

58 min: After Sidibe heads a corner just over the bar, Ramos makes his move: off trudges Bentley, on comes Pavlyuchenko.

60 min: Modric attempts to muscle his way into the box but, would you believe, comes a cropper against Sonko. But then Sonko presents the ball back to the waifish Croatian with a ludicrous fresh-air swipe, and Modric reprieves him by blazing over the bar.

62 min: Gomes parries a long-ranger from Olofinjana, but it's diverted out for another dangerous throw-in. Delap winds up ... and again Woodgate heads it away.

65 min: Bent curls a ball for Hutton to chase. Sorensen hurtles off his line and pounces to gather, and the Scot, along with Sonko, falls in Stephen Huntesque fashion in the keeper's vicinity. Hutton gets booked, though it was Sonko who actually got the keeper, who is now bloodied. He's helped off the pitch and on comes back-up keeper Steve Simonsen.

67 min: Bent tracks back and puts in a valiant tackle on Higginbotham, but that gives Stoke a corner. Gomes, who's been struggling with a rib injury for the last few minutes, again comes to punch, and catches both the ball and Corluka's chest. The centreback goes down for lengthy treatment with the magic spray. "Tottenham must be pleased that they are not at White Hart Lane," chirps Gary Naylor. "In what minute will the booing start in the next home game? Fifth, tenth, in the warm-up?"

70 min: Yet again, Gomes charges off his line to punch a long ball clear. And yet again Corluka goes down hurt! This time he copped a knee in the chin, and the physios seems quite concerned ... the Britannia faithful, on the other hand, are booing loudly.

72 min: Corluka is going to be stretchered off, so Dawson is about to be sent on.

75 min: Corluka is still being treated on the pitch. It'll be interesting to see how much injury time the ref decides to add on at the end of this game ...

77 min: With a neck brace and oxygen mask on, Corluka is finally stretchered off and towards a waiting ambulance. Let's hope he's OK.

78 min: The match resumes with a Delap missile. Pushing by Fuller gives Spurs a free out.

79 min: With Modric and Lennon looking lively, Tottenham attempt to paly their way towards Stoke's box, before Hutton is crudely felled. Jenas takes the freekick from 35 yards ... awfully. He floated straight out of play.

81 min: Anyone who has Gomes in their fantasy team is have a bountiful weekend: he's just earned another interception point after punching yet another Delap throw-in clear.

82 min: After Woodgate cut out a dangerous cross, Tottenham counter quickly but Sonko strips the ball off Pavlyuchenko on th edge of the area. And then goes down hurt. With injury time this game should go well over the 100-minute mark ...

83 min: Stoke substitution - Sonko hobbles off holding his groin, Shawcross bounds on.

85 min: They say Pavlyuchenko can't play with Bent ... well he doesn't seem to have a great understanding with Lennon either: the pair have just run into each other when trying to collect a Modric pass.

87 min: Faye upends Bent just outside the Stoke box, giving the visitors a freekick in an ominous position. Jenas steps up to shoot ... and flights it way over.

89 min: Zokora dawdles at the back under pressure from Soares , and eventually loses out. But Spares spares him by missing the target from 18 yards.

90 min: Woodgate booked for nipping a Stoke counter in the bud with a crafty trip on Fuller.

90+1 min: The fourth official reveals there will be no less than 11 minutes time added on. The Britannia faithful wail ...

90+ 2 min: A Pavluchenko shot ricochets to Bent, who attempts to conjure some space in the box before tapping the ball back to Modric, who also gets crowded out.

90+3 min: Gomes clobbers a freekick straight into touch in his own half.

90+4 min: Delap winds up a throw-in then shocks the defence by taking it short to Soares, who nutmegs Zokora before being clumsily barged over in the box by Woodgate. Penalty!

90+6 min: Incredible! Fuller's spotkick cannons off the right post, bounces along the line and then hits the left post and rebounds out. Delap pounces and his shot comes back off the bar!

90+8 min: Tottenham are reduced to nine men! Dawson cops a straight red for for a lunge on Sidibe. He got the ball first but carried on into the striker's shin. Dawson is furious and Spurs's farcical season just keeps getting worse. "You're getting sacked in the morning," crow Stoke fans towards Ramos.

90+10 mins: Fuller carries the ball to the edge of the box and then curls a beauty past Gomes ... and onto the crossbar!

Full-time: A crazy match featuring two red cards, a missed penalty that hit both posts and two more shots against the woodwork yields an all-too-familiar outcome for Spurs. Defeat. Things carry on like this and their next math should be broadcast on the cartoon channel.