The Mill has developed a wide network of shifty contacts over the years in the pursuit of stuff and nonsense for eager readers. The guy who drinks with the chap who cuts Harry Redknapp's lawn; a pretty young thing who was sacked from a top club's leisure centre for unspecified, yet predictable, offences; assorted lavatory attendants at London's Tiger Tiger nightclub.
Down in Africa the Mill's high-level contact - well, a bloke in a zebra costume who's prepared to linger outside open hotel windows - has heard that a South African consortium, a Nigerian conglomerate and an anonymous cartel are all in talks with Kevin Keegan regarding his imminent return as manager once they have bought the club, razed the stadium to make room for a Somerfields megastore and moved the club to Sunderland. Keegan is reportedly champing at the bit for a chance to return.
In other news, one of the Mills' downmarket rivals reports that Keegan is working on his short game in California and will under no circumstances contemplate a fourth coming to St James's Park.
Staying at the business end of the Premier League table, yesterday Juande Ramos was being handed his P45; today it's a blank chequebook which he can use to spend, splash and splurge on new players. Clearly the Spurs board are hoping that the same keen intuition that led them to sell all their leading strikers will see them through the current crisis. "We feel that we just need one more piece in the puzzle at White Hart Lane to make the significant push from dead last into the top 19," one of them didn't say.
Ramos will start by buying the best young prospect in the Championship, Cardiff City's Joe Ledley, in a move that will ensure he will still be the best young prospect in the Championship come next August.
Elsewhere, Sunderland overlord Roy Keane will be mostly shouting at Jermaine Jenas next season; Martin O'Neill is swapping Martin Harewood, a bag of conkers and his tatty old A-Team Top Trumps for Reading's Kevin Doyle; and Sir Alex Ferguson continues to scout young players that will be reaching their peak long after he has retired, with Turkish club Bursaspor's 18-year-old sensation Sercan Yildrim the latest on his list.
Feel free to add your own rumours below ...
