What's wrong with ketchup? Fabio Capello yesterday launched an astonishing attack on the Mill's favourite condiment. "I have impressed upon them the advantages of a Mediterranean diet over ketchup and chips," said the England manager. "Brown sauce? I don't mind that - it's a little classier," he didn't add. But Heinz cram "126g of ripe, fresh tomatoes into every 100g" of ketchup, meaning that ketchup is more tomatoey than a tomato. It has more tomato per square inch than a tomato. And is the tomato not a key part of the Mediterranean diet?
The Mill says yes. Yes it is. And so, according to Wikipedia at least, are "abundant plant foods, fresh fruit as the typical daily dessert, olive oil as the principal source of fat, dairy products (principally cheese and yogurt), and fish and poultry consumed in low to moderate amounts, zero to four eggs consumed weekly, red meat consumed in low amounts, and wine consumed in low to moderate amounts".
You can see what's coming, can't you? No, don't go!
Real Madrid reckon Carlos Tevez is a FETA prospect than the injury-prone Ruud van Nistelrooy. "The interest from Real is genuine," "said" "a source" "close" to the player.
Juande Ramos may have taken a CIABATTA-ring at White Hart Lane, but he's the hot favourite to takeover at the Bernabéu if Bernd Schuster gets the boot.
With Owen Hargreaves out for the season, Bayern Munich's Bastien Schweinsteiger is EGGS-actly the man Manchester United want to replace him in January.
(Be warned - it doesn't get any better.)
Manchester City and Liverpool will PITTA their wits against one another over the signing of Amr Zaki.
Florent Malouda will begin PEPPERing the stands of the San Siro with his crosses when he joins former Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho at Inter.
There won't be MUSHROOM in the City of Manchester Stadium dressing room when Roque Santa Cruz, Wayne Bridge and Lassana Diarra all sign in January.
Unlike the majority of the global population, Martin O'Neill and Aston Villa reckon Michael Owen is not PASTA his best and will pay what it takes to take him to the Midlands.
All it took was one decent Uefa Cup performance and, hey PESTO, FC Twente's Eljero Elia becomes an object of desire for Blackburn, Everton and Manchester City
Phil Scolari is to beat Sir Alex Ferguson and Arsène Wenger to the signing of Belgian SOUPerkid Axel Witsel.
QPR are on the verge of signing Bolton's Heidar Helguson.
FENNEL!
Nottingham Forest want Glenn Whelan.
ANCHOVIES!
Stoke are chasing Southampton's Andrew Surman
LETTUCE!
And, as the Mill comes limping to miserable halt, Hull fans will today be saying "That'S 'AR DEAN" after Dean Windass and Marlon King got into a 3am scrap in a Scarborough casino.
