Bad news, readers. The Mill's days hanging around outside training grounds pushing £10 bags of orange-flavour Double Dip are over. According to the Sun, the FA is drawing up a list in its best joined-up writing of top footballers, who it will target for drug-testing. All of which means The Sun can print a big picture of Rio Ferdinand looking a bit sheepish from a few years ago, and you get all excited because you think maybe he's been up to no good in a seedy pub in Salford but then you realise it's just there because he once missed a drugs test and he is completely innocent of any crime and then you feel slightly cheated and your day is off to a bad start and it's only 8.03am.
Anyway, all that drug business is enough to make the front page, so the Sun had to come up with some claptrap for the back of the paper. Luckily, Man City and their limitless reserves of oil cash are on hand to deliver up this zinger: Jose Mourinho will be paid £15m a year to bring the sexy back to the Eastlands. If it was there in the first place.
Over at the Emirates, Arsène Wenger's wonderkid-detector is beeping furiously over Palmeiras striker and nuclear power plant worker, Lenny. Once he's snapped the Brazilian up, Wenger will move for Southampton's 19-year-old defensive midfielder Morgan Schneiderlin. Yep, that's right the Southampton who concede around nine goals a game.
Steve Bruce has employed a platoon of Comanche to track the movements of Emir Spahic, who the Wigan manager's native American chums have dubbed Lokomotiv Moscow Defender Who Is Worth £3m In Today's Transfer Market But You Could Probably Get The Russians Down To £2.75m If You Really Haggle.
Phil Brown's an altogether plainer man, so he's done his own research and will offer £2m for lightning-quick Dutch winger Eljero Elia, who he's dubbed Eljero Elia.
And Roy Keane's so no-nonsense he stages a Edward Lear book-burning ceremony every year at the Stadium of Light. He's ready to hand a lighted torch, a four-year contract and a copy of the Owl and the Pussycat to PSG's Adil Rami as soon as the transfer window opens.
Meanwhile Alex McLeish is wondering where all the good times have gone at St Andrew's. He's hoping West Brom's Ishmael Miller will help him find out.
And finally, Andre Arshavin is still going to Spurs; Steve Carr is off to QPR; theguardian.com beat the Daily Mail, Sky Sports and onemickjones.com to win the Football Superstars' 'Beat Pougatch' Quiz last night (whoop whoop!); and Teddy Sheringham, 637,345, wants to join the Spurs coaching staff.
• Heard any rumours of your own? Feel free to add them below the line.
