Rob will be here with his usual down with the kidz references from 5pm. In the meantime, keep up-to-date with all today's scores here and David Hytner on why Chelsea have been struggling at home here.
Heard the one about the "Russian Pele" who was banned for life because of a rape he possibly didn't commit? It's all in a genuinely excellent new book from GU's Scott Murray and Rowan Walker, with only a couple of will-to-live-draining eulogies to Liverpool FC. Buy it, read it, keep it in the toilet just in case of emergency.
Things that will never, ever fail to do things to your funny bone no matter how many times you see them This is part one in a potentially short series.
Preamble These days, playing away from home is far too easy for the big boys: they don't make moral compasses like they used to, and women put ou-
Let's try that one again.
These days, playing away from home is far too easy for the big boys. Chelsea go to West Brom tonight needing a win to set a new Premier League record of ten straight away wins. Six of those have come this season; that's more than Liverpool, champions in 1976-77, won away all season. They won five, drew eight and lost eight. In both their 1982-83 and 1983-84 title-winning campaigns, Liverpool won only eight of 21 away games. Going away was bloody hard work.
Now, unless you play one of the big four, it's close to a guaranteed three points. You still have to go about your business in the right way, but so long as you do you will usually take the three points. Even when a have-not draws at home to a have, it's often celebrated as a giant-killing. (see Everton against Manchester United the other week).
It's a whole heap of wrong, and no mistake. The balance is seriously out of whack - it's why the Premiership is a million miles from being the best league in the world - and it's hard to see it changing tonight: West Brom, for all their worthy football, are bottom; Chelsea were top this morning and will be there this evening provided they take three points.
West Brom (4-4-2) Carson; Zuiverloon, Meite, Olsson, Robinson; Koren, Morrison, Greening, Borja Valero; Miller, Bednar.
Subs: Kiely, Cech, Brunt, Kim, Moore, Filipe Teixeira, Donk.
Chelsea (4-3-3) Cudicini; Bosingwa, Ivanovic, Terry, Bridge; Lampard, Mikel, Deco; Kalou, Anelka, Malouda.
Subs: Hilario, Ashley Cole, Drogba, Ballack, Sinclair, Ferreira, Mineiro.
Team news Change-throwing eejit Didier Drogba is one of five Chelsea changes from their defeat to Burnley: Nicolas Anelka, the Premier League's top scorer, returns up front. Brainslav Ivanovic makes his first start away in the league. West Brom make two changes from the side well beaten at Anfield last week, with Abdoulaye Meite and James Morrison returning.
Setanta's famous-fan wideboy pre-match intros are the most hideous thing ever. Discuss.
A lameish riff for tonight I was watching the episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm in which Larry David is given his own sandwich, with some white fish and the like. But what would footballers have in their sandwiches? Francesco Totti might have marmite, say, or Joey Barton a lit cigar and some McDonald's meat. You know what I mean.
An email "Aston Villa were an absurd 6/1 to win today - a price I really ought to have got a piece of," says Gary Naylor (and in fairness he did send an email to this effect to Tom Lutz at 1.00). "With the title as good as gone for Arsene, why doesn't he join the trend for shedding workers and offload the has-beens (Gallas, Almunia) and the never-weres (Eboue, Bendtner) and play his schoolboys every week? They might lose five points this season, but they'd get them back with interest next time around - and it would be fun."
Let's have some emails then you mothers I don't do this just because it pays the bank charges, you know*. It's the interaction that really makes it.
*I do do it just because it pays the bank charges.
Richard Whittall has a stain on his shirt "Can you write the minute-by-minute for the Aston Villa Arsenal game instead? I know it already happened, but it was totally awesome and way better than whatever match you're about to waste two hours on. It will also give me time to clean my Villa shirt, which is stained all over with VICTORY." See what I mean? This isn't to disparage Villa, or the man with the stain on his shirt, but beating a side who were only three points ahead of you at the start of the day shouldn't give you a dirty shirt.
1 min Chelsea, in hangover-baiting yellow, kick off from right to left. The last side to win 10 away on the bounce in the top flight before football began in 1992, by the way, were Bill Nicholson's Tottenham. I know that because Ian Crocker just said it on Setanta. And yes, I would jump in the fire if he said so.
2 min Nice effort from Morrison. He backheeled it through his own legs, putting Mikel on his backside in the process, and then slashed one towards goal from 25 yards. It was going a few yards over, so Cudicini ignored it.
4 min Chelsea are passing it around the back, feeling their way into the game. West Brom are, as stated below, playing a genuine 4-4-2 by the way.
5 min "Do we need a sense of perspective re Drogba's rather girlie throw of a coin into the crowd?" says Gary Naylor. "Sure it was stupid, but hardly in the same category as the late Sylvester Clarke. The West Indian quick bowler was frightening enough with a ball in his hand, but must have been even more scary when he threw a brick into the crowd at Multan, Pakistan. The victim was rushed to hospital, there was a twenty minute delay, appeals for calm and then game went on. 'It's an unfortunate incident,' Clive Lloyd, the West Indies captain, told reporters. S'pose so."
I agree, but football has lost all sense of perspective on everything: for example, if you gently slap someone's face like Aliadiere did to Mascherano last year, you get a three/four-match ban with no questions asked, but if you do what Chris Morgan's elbow did to that Hume chap you sometimes get a yellow card. Morgan isn't the best example but you know what I mean.
6 min Quiet stuff. At least three of Chelsea's players - Anelka, Deco, Mikel - are wearing gloves, if you're into the whole xenophobia thing. "The Coach in about half an hour," says Jessica Hopkins. The coach is a pub! I want to be in the pub in half an hour!
7 min West Brom play some really principled, aesthetic stuff - only Fulham of the possible relegation candidates can hold a candle to them - and last season, when they were also the best team in the Championship, they really were a joy to watch. It's a hell of a thing to think you can outpass Chelsea, but at the moment it's a completely even game. Last week Chelsea flew out of the traps at Blackburn, but not here.
9 min "The Setanta pre-game analysis is simply incredible*," says Pranjal Tiwari. "My favourite was last weekend, when one of the analysts said of Tony Adams: 'When he was a player he was a hero. He was Batman, if you will. But now, as a coach, he is more like The Riddler - he's saying a lot but not doing any good.' Now I know you journos are all taking the pith at the end of the day, but at least you do a more subtle job than that clown!
*it is not simply incredible."
Define subtle.
13 min Robinson, unaware that he was under no pressure facing his own goal, concedes a corner on the Chelsea right. Lampard takes it and the square root of bugger all happens.
14 min Ian Crocker reminds us that West Brom - bottom at the moment - were ninth in early October. Will this be the first top-flight season ever in which all 20 sides have been in the top half at some stage?
These are the thought processes of the sick, twisted mind I have to live with.
15 min Miller wastes a decent two-thirds-chance. West Brom had a genuine four-on-three break, with Valero running cockily at a back-pedalling defence until he got to within 25 yards of goal, whereupon he switched it left to Miller, but his scuffed effort - not quite a cross, not quite a shot - drifted across the goal and wide.
16 min Some smart passing from Chelsea ends with Kalou on the right corner of the box, facing the left-back Robinson. He drives into the box, touches it to the right but then spanks it over at the near post. He had to go across the keeper there, and not spanking it into orbit would have helped too.
18 min "I was going to stick around to follow what I'm sure will be a thriller of a game, but it's eighty degrees here and I'm off to play golf," says Damian Koblintz, helpfully. You utter bee-word-for-those-with-parental-issues, Koblintz.
20 min "What's up with Chelsea and their hideous away kits?" says Jon Cummins. "This one's pretty bad, but nothing compared to the traffic-warden kit of last season, or that orange-and-grey monstrosity from the Gullit days that left me partially blind." We both know it wasn't the away kit that left you have blind, especially with a surname like that.
21 min Miller's direct approach is giving Chelsea a few concerns. He's lightning fast, and built like nothing you've ever seen, but his football remains pretty brainless at this stage of his career. As Gary Naylor points out, though, he's only 21 and has plenty of time to learn.
22 min Chelsea aren't quite on it at the moment. Chris Waddle, the Sky co-commentator, reckons their tempo is too slow, and who am I to disagree with a man who suggested dropping Theo Walcott after his hat-trick in Croatia. I jest: Waddle is a very good pundit, with a rare appreciation of tactical nuances, and I think he's right about Chelsea's tempo. It's unlike them to feel their way into a game as they have today.
23 min That's more like it from Chelsea. A devastatingly efficient move ends with Lampard testing Carson with a low drive. The creation was exquisite and took only two passes: Deco drove a 50-yarder from right to left, and Malouda sidefooted it first-time on the volley for Lampard to storm into the box and crack it low but straight at Carson from 15 yards. Stunning football.
25 min Here's Gary Naylor. "Just wanted you to know that if you read this innuendo-laden MBM in a Frankie Howerd voice, it works really well. (We should both get out more shouldn't we?)." I was going to defend myself by saying 'I'm working', but then I suppose you are too.
27 min Chelsea are now slowly, surely twisting this match their way, like a bottle top that you have to screw really hard for ages before it gives suddenly and decisively. A goal is in the post, is what I'm saying.
28 min Miller isolates Terry down the right flank and makes him look the one-paced chancer he is, skinning him with ease, <bbut the cross comes to nothing.
29 min "Radio 5 Live is, for some reason, allowing me to listen live, even though I live in Foreign Parts," whoop-whoops Mac Millings. "I was excited, until I realised that the pre-recorded message I usually get, telling me that, for copyright reasons, they are unable to bring me the current programming, is a lot more entertaining than Terry Butcher."
31 min Okay, this is quite boring, so here's a new riff: what comedy opening line would footballers use if they went speeddating/placed a personals ad. I've not been speeddating.
*I've not not been speeddating.
33 min Terry plays the ball to Malouda, and the West Brom defence back off criminally, allowing Malouda to run to within 20 yards and crash one towards goal. Carson, plunging to his left, made a decent but ultimately comfortable two-handed save.
GOAL! West Brom 0-1 Chelsea (Bosingwa 34) Where the hell did that come from? The full-back Bosingwa was on the right corner of the box and, after shaping to go down the flank, came back inside and curled it high towards the near post with his left foot from 25 yards. Carson had gone too far over to his right, anticipating a cross, and could only palm it off the underside of the bar and into the net. It's audacious, Hitchcockian stuff from Bosingwa, but Carson will know he's made a balls-up there.
36 min A fantastic sliding challenge from Olsson denies Malouda 10 yards out. Chelsea are in charge now.
37 min These things are relative, but in the context of Chelsea being by far the superior team, Miller is giving Terry a real chasing here. He just can't handle him, and is lucky not to be penalised for a cynical shove on the edge of the box.
GOAL! West Brom 0-2 Chelsea (Anelka 38) Game, set, match and record for Chelsea. This was a brilliant finish. It started when Meite, who was marking Anelka, headed the ball feebly clear, and that meant he was out of the game when the ball was quickly returned by Malouda to the now unmarked Anelka down the inside-left channel. He homed in on goal from 45 yards and, when Carson went down, chipped it daintily and cockily over him from about eight yards. That's the finish of a player whose patch could barely be purpler: it's his seventh in the last four games, and it was delicious stuff. At this rate, Chelsea won't care how long Didier Drogba's suspension is.
41 min Here's Mac Millings. "A footballer could combine two riffs, and open his speeddate with, 'I have a sandwich named after me'. From personal experience*, I happen to know that this never fails**.
* I do not have personal experience of this.
** I'm pretty sure it would fail."
43 min You have to feel sorry for the manager who has to give West Brom's half-time team talk in a situation like this. He will say all the right things, but he will know. And they will know that he knows. And he will know that they know that he knows. It's just too easy for Chelsea.
44 min "Chelsea's goals for and against away from home stands at 17-1," says Gary Naylor. "They are footballing Agent Orange - matches shouldn't be the equivalent of watching a scorched earth policy being implemented. Debt cap now!" Something's got to be done here.
GOAL! West Brom 0-3 Chelsea (Anelka 45) Best league in the world my hole. This is absurdly easy. Deco finds Kalou, who holds off Robinson, slaloms infield and then stabs a diagonal ball through to Anelka, who gets between Meite and Zuiverloon and simply sidefoots it on the run past Carson at the near post. Anelka now has seven goals in his last two-and-a-half Premier League games.
Half time: West Brom 0-3 Chelsea Easy, easy, easy, easy.
46 min West Brom make a substitution: Bednar off, Kim on. That means a switch to 4-4-1-1, with Valero in on Mikel and Kim dropping into midfield.
47 min Chelsea haven't conceded a second-half goal in the Premier League this season, by the way. They began the half by playing absent-minded keepball, but you suspect further goals are there for them as and when they want them.
48 min Lampard weights a wonderful 15-yard return pass to Malouda, who should have hit it first-time but instead took a touch, which gave Carson enough time to realise what day it was and blunder out a few yards to smother the eventual shot. Lampard's passing has gone up a notch this season; either that or it was always there, but not facilitated tactically.
50 min "Chelsea are doing this without three international captains (Ballack, Drogba and Essien)," says Gary Naylor. "It's not sport this, it's like watching the early railway barons buy up canals, then leave them to rot to avoid even that competition." He's got a point. As Jeffrey Lebowski didn't say, this will not stand man. This lack of competitition will not stand.
51 min Chelsea break four-on-three, but Malouda takes the wrong option and West Brom clear.
52 min Terry is booked for a cynical block on Miller, who had done him for pace wide on the right just past the halfway line. Miller is making the preposterously overrated Terry look like a complete clown tonight. Terry is great in certain circumstances, but if you isolate him he looks no better than a pub player.
53 min "Feeling somewhat cynical tonight about our glorious premier league, aren't you?" says Rachel Clifton. It's balls though, isn't it. When you don't have to get out of second gear to win by three or four away from home something is seriously wrong.
54 min Anelka, on a hat-trick, instead decides to play a square pass to Deco 12 yards out. He takes a touch and is about to engage in the noble art of net-rippling when Olsson makes an excellent last-ditch challenge. West Brom have thrown the towel in defensively.
56 min Malouda runs at the hapless Zuiverloon and then squares it to Anelka, who lets it run across his body and batters it towards goal from 14 yards. Olsson makes yet another sliding block.
57 min Bosingwa is booked for a horrible challenge on Morrison. As Morrison was about to receive the ball with his back to the play, Bosingwa put his studs down the back of his ankle. A few inches higher and Bosingwa was off. It's the sort of challenge that makes you recoil as you see it, and Morrison won't be continuing. Felipe Teixeira replaces him.
60 min A lovely effort from Teixeira, the substitute just on. He zipped inside Bosingwa, who sold himself stupidly, and then curled just over from the left corner of the box.
61 min Jakob Pearson points out that three men with a decent record in management - Mourinho, Capello, Scolari - were happy to have Terry as their captain. He doesn't mention Steve McClaren. Then he signs off imperiously with: "Do they have it wrong? Or do you have some sort of vitamin deficiency?"
63 min West Brom are still doing their thing going forward, passing it around prettily, but defensively it honestly looks as if Chelsea will create a chance with every single attack. There's another. Deco plays it into Kalou 25 yards out; he turns, holds off Kim, scoots past Meite, but then spanks it over with his left foot. A half-chance, no more.
65 min A Chelsea team picked from those not playing tonight: Cech; Ferreira, Alex, Carvalho, A Cole; Mineiro, Ballack, Essien; Belletti, Drogba, J Cole. I mean really.
67 min "Making fun of someone's last name (20 mins)? How devastatingly clever. And while sneaking in a masturbation joke as well? Truly the mark of a comic genius," says Daniel Vergara. "Rob Smyth, you're an idiot." As the Mirror man said to Joe Kinnear, thank you.
68 min Ballack on, Kalou off for Chelsea. For West Brom, Donk on, Meite off.
70 min Lampard slips just as he is about to pull the trigger after another effortlessly incisive move, this time involving the substitute Ballack and Malouda.
72 min Carson comes a long way for Deco's corner, fails to get it, and the ball breaks to Anelka beyond the far post. His shot loops up and over via the foot of Donk, but a goalkick is given.
74 min Chelsea have four on two this time. Deco finds Malouda, who runs into the box but screws his shot miserably across goal and well wide.
75 min Anelka off, Drogba on.
76 min No attempts at humour for the remainder of this game, I'm afraid: we have a new policy whereby all gags (sic) go through Daniel Verdara for approval. As this particular mass of serotonin was last seen smiling in 1967, I don't think much will be getting through.
77 min "Have you seen the trailers for this year's BBC Sports Personality, where people nominate their favourite sporting moments?" asks Rachel Clifton. Nope. "Patrick Kielty has chosen the Champions League Final - specfically the moment where John Terry falls over taking the penalty. Defnitely the first time I have ever agreed with him - or that he has made me laugh." It's wAHAeird isn't it: iAHAHAHAHAHt's almost beeAHAHAHAHAHAHAn forgotten that Anelka miAHAHAHAHAHAHAssed the dHERE'SMRCHELSEATOWINTHECHAMPIONSLEAGUEecisive penaltyAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
79 min Ivanovic is booked for pulling back Miller, who has been an admirable handful all day.
82 min "Good football side, nothing in the final third," says Chris Waddle, summing West Brom up in 11 easy syllables. That might sound contradictory in view of the praise for Miller, but his best work comes in wider areas, hustling and supporting the play. These days, as we see with England, the role of the centre-forward can often be subsidiary, paradoxical as that might seem.
83 min That was a real chance for West Brom. Robinson swung over a superb cross from the left and Kim, lurking at the back post, volleyed across goal and wide from 15 yards. He caught it sweetly but dragged it a few yards wide.
86 min Chelsea's final substitution: Terry off, to hearty boos, Ferreira on. Terry is getting treatment on his right foot.
87 min Malouda heads Deco's free-kick hideously over from five yards, although Ballack had been (wrongly, because he wasn't active) flagged offside.
90 min There will be three minutes of added time. Could it happen? Could West Brom launch the greatest comeback in sporting history. No.
Full time: West Brom 0-3 Chelsea Chelsea return to the top of the table and set a new record for consecutive away wins in the Premiership: 10 in a row after another effortlessly slick performance. All three goals came in a hurry before half-time, with two from Nicolas Anelka making it seven in three games for him, and that allowed Chelsea to saunter through the second half against a worthy but painfully limited and defensively inept West Brom. Thanks for your emails.
