Despite the permanent numbness caused by a damaging if richly rewarding addiction to Vicks Vapor Inhaler, the Mill smelled a rat when we read that Chelsea were going to hoover up the cream of Napoli's talent: Ezequiel Lavezzi and Marek Hamsik. First there was Napoli's president Aurelio De Laurentiis warning that "the English live badly, eat badly and their women do not wash their genitalia" - the established expert in this field, Nathan Barley's Jonatton Yeah?, was unavailable for comment – and now today's emergency toilet paper claims that Big Phil Scolari does not have a penny to spend in January. "I don't think the club will buy. I don't think they'll sell," he said, before deciding to stop short of breaking into a whimsical ditty about how harsh life is.
One player Scolari apparently wanted to get his fat fingers on was Michael Owen, who has been offered a £25,000 pay-cut to stay at Newcastle. If Owen does stay – and, let's be honest as we're all friends here, you'd have to be really, really stupid to not see what game Owen's playing – he will only get £80,000 for sitting on his derriere most weeks. Expect him to mouth "what an effing insult, eh?" to the fans next week.
"Michael's been made a very good offer. The ball's in his court," said a source, as Owen smashed the ball miles into the distance and ran away from Newcastle as fast as his little legs could carry him, only to snap his hamstring before even reaching the baseline and be carried back to the St James' Park treatment room gulping the words "St Etienne" between mouthfuls of tears.
In other north east news, Ricky Sbragia will have the Christmas period to convince the Sunderland hierarchy that it's worth appointing a permanent manager whose surname will be misspelt in the matchday programme approximately one in every five mentions.
Paul Inc ... no, we can't be bothered. Everyone knows this gig is up, don't they.
Derby boss Paul Jewell has apparently misunderstood the Napoli president De Laurentiis's comment and is now making sure potential signings undergo a bizarre unofficial medical. At least that's what we think the Mirror mean when they write that "Paul Jewell has made a personal check on Chesterfield striker Jamie Ward, who is available for £250,000."
'Arry Redknapp, who only uses his fingers to blow his own trumpet, wants to bring Owen, Glen Johnson, Matthew Upson, Stewart Downing and Fernando Cavenaghi to his north London used car lot. BUT HE'LL HAVE A BATTLE ON HIS HANDS FOR UPSON BECAUSE JOE EFFING KINNEAR EFFING WANTS EFFING TO EFFING EFFING EFFING WELL EFFING SIGN EFFING HIM EFFING AS EFFING WELL, YOU SEE? YEAH, YOU CEE.
Mick McCarthy and Alex McLeish are, as we speak, easing into a bloodflow-restricting lycra all-in-one in preparation for an implicitly homoerotic wrestle to decide whether Wolves or Birmingham will take Chelsea youngster Scott Sinclair on loan in January.
And Watford have adanuff of Jobi McAnuff, and will sell him in January.
Bye.
