It's never the Mill's fault, you know. The injunctions? Should we really be held responsible if society's fails to understand our visionary take on romance? That chocolate surprise on our bedsheets this morning? Well the big man should've given us a stronger constitution.

It's a viewpoint Cristiano Ronaldo seemingly shares. Instead of querying his increasing propensity to whinge from first whistle to last, and trying to find reality's contact details again, Ronaldo will locate the door marked 'Do One' in response to the fact that referees have been allowing those nasty hairy-bottomed men to tackle him.

An old team-mate of Ronaldo's, Diego Forlan, may be bringing his unique brand of spectacular goals and even more spectacular misses back to England: Mark Hughes has been on all fours sniffing around Forlan in a manner that might be considered inappropriate in some cultures, but he will have to pay £30m if he wants to get any closer.

The Newcastle squad want Terry Venables put in temporary charge because they don't think Chris Hughton and Colin Calderwood are up to the job of avoiding relegation. Now that's funny.

Guus HidMAKEITSTOPdink won't be at ChelJUSTMAKEITSTOPsea next season.

Harry Redknapp went to Italy on Sunday – not for a romantic break with Darren Bent, but to watch the Genoa striker Diego Milito.

Finally, Ade Akinbiyi is wanted by Houston Dynamo. We don't really need to add anything to that, do we?