1 Feed Michael Owen and he will score. The striker gobbles up centres so crossing practice should be on the agenda for Jonas Gutierrez, Damien Duff and Peter Lovenkrands
2 Pass on Alan Hansen's wisdom. Now is the time to prove that all those weeks and months spent sitting next to the BBC's defensive guru were put to good use after all. Newcastle's back four must start defending as a unit. Fabricio Coloccini take note
3 Get the midfield scoring goals. These have been in short supply but Kevin Nolan may be given licence to make those late, scoring, runs into the box that were once his trademark at Bolton
4 Boost team spirit with practical jokes. Back in the days when you and Rob Lee ruled Newcastle's dressing room there were pranks aplenty, usually – in Lee's words – "water-based". Steven Taylor seems your heir apparent and may be handed the key to the dusted-down joke box
5 Tell Obafemi Martins that he must sometimessacrifice himself for the good of the team. The jet-heeled Nigerian is hugely gifted but erratic and even his team-mates struggle to second guess him
6 Tell the sun-loving Mark Viduka, below, that the weather is warming up and the time has come to shake a leg, forget about his achilles injury and serve as a target man for Owen to play off. If Viduka returned to fitness, you could even copy Kevin Keegan's idea of playing Owen and Martins just behind the Australian
7 Impress Newcastle's off-field technicians with your BBC-taught knowledge of film and graphics editing and analysis. Dazzle the players with the consequent tactical insights
8 Emulate your old enemy Roy Keane and use your aura. Just like Keane's, the name Alan Shearer is synonymous with presence. Make it work for you in the dressing room
9 As a player you could sometimes be hard on foreign imports – remember Alessandro Pistone and the tough time you gave him – but Premier League expats often require gentle treatment. Put your arm round Jose Enrique rather than a boot up his backside
10 Too many team meetings can be boring – just see the Sam Allardyce months – but there have been too few of late and the players need more direction
