Alan's back! And Alan means business. You can tell this because (A) he's displaying his boots on the dashboard, which suggests he's going to put them on quite soon, the footballing equivalent of getting one's hands dirty, and (B) he's got one of those gizmos that tell you where speed cameras are, so he can get to work really quickly, allowing him to put his boots (A) on as early as possible. Actually, perhaps (B) is a mobile phone holder, or a tin of traditional travel lozenges, so apoloigies to Alan if that's the case. Though surely balancing unsteady items (certainly A, and possibly B) on the dash contravenes some motoring regulation or other?
Anyway, he'll be unveiled as Toon boss at 2.30pm. I'll be failing to keep all this in proportion then. Sky Sports News, of course, have already lost the run of themselves, and are currently (2pm) broadcasting pictures of several Newcastle United lackeys placing bottles of water on a table positioned in front of some chairs in an empty room.
Breaking news: wheels of goods and services market in north-east grind to halt. "I work in the Newcastle Job Centre," claims Jezza Smith. "It's quiet in here today." Not as quiet as it is in here, mind you. Why do you think we're doing this?
2.29pm: There are quite a lot of people hanging around St James' Park, that much is true. Whether they're as excited as Sam Matterface on Sky Sports News, however, is a moot point. Matterface has just rubbed his hands in anticipation of this press conference. He rubbed his hands.
2.33pm: Matterface > Kronkite. With gravitas not displayed in ANY JOURNALISM since CBS anchor Walter Kronkite announced the death of John F Kennedy, Matterface has reported that "anticipation is rising ahead of this press conference".
.
2.35pm: We're still waiting for Alan. Meanwhile the party continues apace out on the street.
2.37pm: Here comes Alan! "Ladies and gentlemen," begins some suit or other, "blah blah new manager blah blether blah Alan Shearer until end of the season drone blah yak Joe Kinnear hopes to return as manager at the start of next season jaw jaw jaw jaw Dennis Wise has been told to do one and so on and so forth et cetera." Is that us done, then?
2.40pm: Hold on. Joe Kinnear plans to return as manager at the start of next season? Yes, right you are.
2.41pm: What's it like to be Newcastle manager, Alan? "I have to say the response has been fantastic," he begins, before emitting the sort of long drone familiar to regular viewers of Match of the Day. "Met players ... shook hands ... difficult job ahead ... hard work ... we can do it ... embrace the devil as he is your only friend ... it'll be a struggle ... won't shirk the challenge."
2.45pm: The BBC have given him eight weeks off. Only eight weeks! Bah.
2.46pm: "I believe we can do it," says Alan of the relegation struggle. "There is quality there but not confidence and I can believe I can get this right. I haven't taken this job for me. I could have been sat on the Match of the Day sofa being analytical and being critical..." It was at this point that the room should have burst into hysterical laughter.
2.47pm: "We have to get away from this Alan Shearer thing," says Alan Shearer, becoming the first, but possibly not the last, Newcastle fan to utter those words over the next couple of months. "This isn't about me. We just want to keep this club up." How are you going to do that? "You have to enjoy what you're doing," observes Shearer, who spent the entirety of Euro 2008 sat between a bickering Alan Hansen and Martin O'Neill, wearing the nervous look of a six-year-old child whose parents are a couple of months away from the beginning of brutal divorce negotiations.
2.50pm: "I believe, and more importantly the players now believe, we can do it," says Shearer. "It's going to be tough, but you give me any game in the Premier League and it's going to be tough." What about Hull at home? Ah, hold on.
2.52pm: "I can just about believe that Shearer has a driving licence," writes Gary Naylor, "but has he got a pro-licence? Or don't those rules apply when the latest Geordie Messiah arrives at St James' Park?"
2.55pm: "We need to stabalise this season, and then people can look into which direction this club needs to go, but that requires us being in the Premier League," says Shearer, not ruling himself out of hoofing Kinnear through the exit door in the summer and taking the job permanently. Are you ruling yourself out of hoofing Kinnear through the exit door in the summer and taking the job permanently, Alan? "I am here for eight games and eight games only." But are you ruling yourself out of hoofing Kinnear through the exit door in the summer and taking the job permanently, Alan? "I am here for eight games and eight games only."
2.57pm: "I will make mistakes, I am sure of that," says Shearer. By the way, he's also just said that 1mph sprint star Michael Owen will start this weekend if he's fit.
2.59pm: Shearer says he's going talk to "Kevin, Kenny, Bobby and Glenn". That's Glenn Hoddle, should any Newcastle fans suddenly feel very nervous indeed. "Baaaahahahaha," begins Philip Hucknall, an opening gambit which suggests abuse is a-comin', "whose toes did you tread on to land this gig, Scott? Seriously, live blogging Shearer's press conference?" Well, y'know. "Is it minute-by-minute paint-drying next?" Possibly. I'm happy to dance for beans. "The tragic thing is, of course, that I'm reading it. And I'd probably read the paint-drying one, too."
3.03pm: Some sort of journalistic prize - a Pulitzer, perhaps - is due to the hack who has just asked the probing question: "Do you sometimes think when you're sitting on the sofa, that at some point 'I have to get off the sofa'?" The answer? "Yes." Phillip Hucknall had a point, really, didn't he.
3.05pm: "I envisage Newcastle playing in the Premier League next season," says Shearer. Perhaps worried that their new manager has just necked some San Francisco-strength acid, the suits bundle him out of the room. And that is pretty much that. Oh!
