Forget Manchester United v Barcelona, The New Harry Potter Movie v The New Terminator Movie or Peter Andre and Katie Price v The Possibility That Newspapers Might Stop Writing About Them Soon, the real heavyweight clash of the summer is going to be an all-out three-way tussle between Cristiano Ronaldo, Carlos Tevez and Glen Johnson for the title of Interminable Transfer Story of the Year 2009.

Today's updates in brief, because if we're not sick of these yarns already we certainly will be soon:

1) Cristiano Ronaldo isn't going anywhere – "at the moment I'm at United and I don't care what happens in Madrid".

2) Nobody could be arsed making up anything new about Carlos Tevez yesterday, except for the not entirely surprising revelation that he's going to start next week's Champions League final on the bench.

3) Harry Redknapp and Rafa Benítez are giving Glen Johnson a clear choice between cockerel and liver bird. Either way it looks like he'll have some kind of avian lifeform on his chest next season.

Now, on with the other stuff.

Firstly, an excuse to point you in the direction of the undisputed goal of the season (alright, you can dispute it if you like, but it's pretty popular here at the Mill): Swindon goal machine Simon Cox is favouring a £1.2m switch to Celtic over rival offers from West Brom, Bolton and Leicester.

Because a couple of them happen to be quite tall, today's defensive rumours will be brought to you in order of the players' height: Birmingham City want 6ft 6in Zat Knight to make the long trudge from Villa Park in order to create a dream defensive partnership with coming-on-a-free veteran Bobo Balde. Arsenal – for whom Emmanuel Adebayor looks to have played his last game – are ready to test Fulham's resolve with a £15m bid for 6ft 5in Brede Hangeland (for that money, the only thing they'll be testing is Mohamed Al Fayed's resolve to agree gracefully, rather than dropping to his knees, drooling and crying "yes, yes, yes" repeatedly).

And Chelsea are lining up a sensational £22m swoop for Internazionale's 6ft 1in Douglas Maicon, although Real Madrid are also interested. If this is true and the deal indeed goes through at this price, it would take Roman Abramovich's spending on first-team right-backs alone to £57.5m, following the purchases of Jose Bosingwa (£16.3m), Paulo Ferreira (£13.2m) and our good friend, the Rumour Mill veteran Glen Johnson (£6m).

Back to Birmingham, who are vying with Villa for £8m-rated Argentinian midfield starlet Lucas Biglia, currently wowing Belgians with Anderlecht, and plotting a £6m double raid on Derby County for Kris Commons and Giles Barnes.

While Blues are planning for promotion, Newcastle are making contingency plans for relegation. If they do go down, Sébastien Bassong will be off sharpish. "You have to plan for your career and playing in the second division would be a step backwards," he says in one paper. "I'm an ambitious boy and playing Championship football never crossed my mind – it would be a step backwards," he adds in another. It's all in the translation, you see. They would also be happy to loan Alan Smith for the season if they go down – perfect for any club that needs a £60,000-a-week adornment to their treatment room.

Talking of which, West Ham are open to offers for Dean Ashton – perfect for any club that meeds a £7m adornment to their treatment room.

And Sunderland want Hamburg's former Tottenham manager Martin Jol to replace Ricky Sbragia. "He wants another chance in the Premier League, where he feels he has unfinished business," says "a source".