The Kevin Keegan Love It Really Love It Memorial Self-Defeating Rant Award

Rafael Benítez, Liverpool. Previous winners of the prestigious Golden Dummy have delivered their crazed tirades spontaneously, waving their arms around and flecking the Sky camera crews with spittle. The Spaniard, however, opted to read a long-winded prepared statement in his usual dull monotone, bringing welcome new levels of professionalism to the paranoid and embittered outburst.

The Robbie Fowler Commemorative Nasal Plaster For Most Pointless Facial Appendage

Beating off a fine early-season effort by Roy Keane's beard, the worthy winner of the Platinum Anti-Snoring Strip was Phil Brown's headset. It is becoming ever clearer that spending the game talking into a hands-free telephone is not the sign of a dynamic, modern, free-thinking coach, but a loudmouthed loser. Ferguson, Wenger, Benítez and Hiddink all seem to manage perfectly well without having to say, "Hello. It's me. I'm in the technical area …" every two minutes.

The John Sivebaek Couldn't Quite Adjust To The Pace Of The English Game Accelerator Pedal

Afonso Alves. Like previous recipients Jon Dahl Tomasson and Mateja Kezman, the Brazilian striker came to prominence in the Dutch first division. So did Romario and Ronaldo, but oddly enough neither of them signed for Middlesbrough. "I am a goal machine," Alves told the press at the start of the season, unfortunately the only machine he actually resembled was a trouserpress, standing around ineffectually while everybody wondered whether they might be able to swap him for a foot spa at a car boot sale.

The Mike Ashley Foaming Polythene Lager Glass For Reclusive Millionaire of the Season

Joint winners Ellis Short (Sunderland) and Ipswich Town owner Marcus Evans. The Texan retailer is routinely described as secretive and elusive, while Evans has apparently never knowingly been photographed. Expect both men to be dancing shirtless on the table of a city centre bar surrounded by blondes in pink stetsons by Christmas.

Like Father Like Son Moronic World View Award

Those lovable Redknapps, Harry and Jamie. "Where was he from? Slovakia? Slovenia? I'm not sure he's been handling a lot of big games," raved Harry after, erm, Braga v Portsmouth. Eager beaver Jamie took up Dad's refrain following Chelsea's Champions League defeat by Barcelona claiming that Norwegian referee Tom Henning Ovrebo didn't have enough experience at the top level. Quite right too. I mean, a Premier League official such as Graham Poll would never make an arse of himself in front of the world's media, would he?

The Bryan Robson Gilded P45 For The Possible Successor To Alex Ferguson Who Had The Worst Season

Paul Ince and Roy Keane both put in solid displays, but top of the podium is Carlos Queiroz who took over the Portuguese team from Phil Scolari and has presided over a 2–3 home defeat by Denmark, a 0–0 draw with Albania and a 6–2 thumping by Brazil. Better yet, he missed a post-match press conference at the Estadio Axa after apparently getting "lost in the lift".

George Reynolds Gold-Plated Nylon Scrapeover For Delusions of Grandeur

Garry Cook. The Man City chief executive had a delightful season. Who else could have offered the following response to the question "Can Manchester City win the Champions League": "Growing up at Nike, you don't sit around saying, "Can we?" You say, "We will!" Strangely when confronted by this living tidal wave of northern positivity Kaka said: "I won't."

The Why Can't We Have A Great Britain Football Team Tedious Story That Just Won't Die Award

Despite massive competition in the reheated dullness stakes from the "Should Rangers and Celtic join the English Premier League (Part 437)", the deserved winner was Frank Lampard's contract talks, which finally reached resolution after 25 long, long months of mind-numbing wrangling over how many blue Smarties Frank should have in his dressing room after the gig, or something. That's more than two years. You could thrash out a nuclear non-proliferation treaty in less time.

The Jack Charlton Fag Packet For Linguistic Gifts

Joe Kinnear's decision to call Charles N'Zogbia "Charles Insomnia" caught the eye of some of the judges, but Steve McClaren made sure that the excellent season he'd had with Twente Enschede and the fine job of burnishing his reputation Gareth Southgate has done at the Riverside Stadium would all but be forgotten by demonstrating his consummate mastery of how to talk foreigner. Yesh indeed.

The Crystal Carbon Footprint For The World Crisis That Has Had No Impact On Football Whatsoever

The global credit crunch. Just as the rest of humanity was being ordered to tighten belts, grow their own fuel and eat lard, the transfer window opened and Spurs spent 20 million quid on buying back players they'd sold a few months before. Frankly, the news that ER is finished will probably have more impact on football's crazy finances than the collapse of the world economy.