"I like to pass, like in life. I prefer to give a gift than to receive. I love to receive a gift, to score of course – but when you give the ball to somebody you want to give the perfect ball."
Yes, it's the unmistakeable sound of a Frenchman banging on about blah blah blah being a bit like life, and life being a bit like blah blah blah, in this morning's Sun. Can you guess who it is yet? Clue: yes, it's him. And he's got a film to plug. Also in the nation's most important shout-rag, news that Carlo Ancelotti made "a dramatic phone call to Kaka yesterday", in which he "begged" The Karate Kid not to join Real Madrid. A man described as "a pal" – the kind of person Ancellotti might take bike rides, or go apple-scrumping with – said: "Carlo called Kaka in Brazil. Carlo is hopeful that Chelsea can be a tempting destination and his personal bond with the player can make a difference."
But not according to someone at Milan. "He wants to join Real Madrid," said someone, perhaps a man with mirrored sunglasses who rarely smiles. "Not Chelsea. This is no longer a moving story."
The same could not be said of the deeply moving saga of one man's love for Emmanuel Adebayor (starring Emmanuel Adebayor) and the impossible dream of a future where one man (Emmanuel Adebayor) finally gets to go to a big foreign club where he'll get paid more money. The Sun appears convinced Milan will make a £15m bid for the strolling, shrugging, gangling master of the corner-flag-toe-poke later this week.
And completing something that resembles a creaking, coal-powered, balsa-wood transfer merry-go-round, Arsène Wenger "was last night on the verge of sealing a £10million deal for Ajax star Thomas Vermaelen". There he is, giant sovereign ring raised above the scented leaves of his transfer missive, brow mopped by Pat Rice in the guttering candle light, preparing to bring his seal down with a great shattering thunk, while a 23-year-old Belgian centre half cowers by the fireside, drifting in and out of sleep.
Also in the Sun Vedran Corluka expects dashing Croatian right-wing-back Dario Srna to wake up and find himself being dragged roughly from the boot of Harry Redknapp's Rover 3000 Estate and left crumpled inside the gates of White Hart Lane. Elano has announced "I want to wear the Inter shirt", so The Mill at least knows what to get him for his birthday. And Mick McCarthy is about to splash out on Serbian midfielder Nenad Milijas, who sounds a bit made-up.
"The urge to play football is very strong. After living with all that adrenalin, it's like a love story – when you break up with somebody, you don't want to see her because it reminds you of a lot of things."
Meanwhile, in the Daily Mail, where the Mill is now hiding behind a big headline, hoping Eric sort of goes away, there's an EXCLUSIVE! Manchester City "believe they are close to the £20m signing of Barcelona striker Samuel Eto'o". But then, they also believe in sea monsters and that if you press too hard on your hip bone your legs might fall off.
Milan and Barcelona are "chasing Nemanja Vidic" through a crowded city centre in an old-style Ford Capri before eventually crashing in slow motion into a wall of cardboard boxes. Chelsea may nab Glen Johnson, who's much better these days, ahead of Liverpool. Ricardo Carvalho, oddly out of favour at Chelsea where he used to be better than John Terry, could be off to Inter. And Steve Bruce is "eyeing Darren Bent" through a tiny little telescope, grunting to himself and dribbling.
"When I was suspended. I decided I should also do something different, more focused, and I took up the trumpet. If I do have idols, they'd be Miles Davis and Chet Baker, but I only learned for a couple of months so I can't play that well."
Just like Miles Davis, then. The Mirror Liverpool are the latest suitors to become entranced by the cow-like brown eyes and flowing, tangled locks of the child-like Tuncay. And Manchester United have decided what they really need is another tall, skilful and occasionally frustrating £30m centre forward. Karim Benzema should do it.
The Star thinks Aston Villa want to buy Alexander Hleb, who was quite good at Arsenal for six months and now has a job running on to the pitch and celebrating in a tracksuit whenever Barcelona win a trophy. And Sam Allardyce wants to spend £2.5m-worth of real money on Alan Smith.
In the more sensible Times Chelsea have given up on Kaka and instead turned their attentions to French rap star Franck Ribéry. But Carlo Ancelotti will have to sit next to Ray Wilkins next season, even if he is being allowed to bring along someone called "Bruno Di Michele, a sports psychologist", who Ray will pretend to like in front of Carlo but secretly find a little odd. And if the Ribéry thing doesn't work out they may instead fling their complete leather-fringed luggage set full of cash at Milan's Alexandre "The Duck" Pato.
In excitable enormous-drum-banging Spanish paper AS, via Goal.com, Rafa Benítez "will now try to balloon" his valuation of Xabi Alonso up to £40m. There he goes, puffing away, sweat collecting on his upper lip. Louis Van Gaal wants Rafael van der Vaart and Wesley Sneijder to join him in easily winning the German league with Bayern Munich, then getting into some kind of pointless rumble with The Kaiser and being sacked, according to Bild. And Milan have decided they also want Michael Essien and his scarily inflated and oddly muscular head.
"If I'm happy in my real life I can do this job, I can play football without the pressure and I don't depend on the system". Thanks, Eric. Indeed. The system, eh? Pshaw.
