As The Mill knows only too well from its many happy years exploring the Vauxhall extreme chest piercing 24-hour men's auxiliary reserve circuit, there's nothing unusual about young chaps in the prime of life engaging in vigorous personal athletics in the small hours of the morning. But still there's something about the David Nugent/Marc Wilson dust-up on Portsmouth's pre-season tour of Portugal – as revealed EXCLUSIVELY in this morning's Daily Mail and others – that seems odd. It's not the fighting after a trip to a nightclub, or the two-week fine. It's the use by both players of "heavy metal curtain rods" torn from their hotel room wardrobes as weapons. How would this work in practice?
It must be quite hard to tear a heavy metal curtain rod out of a wardrobe. It probably takes a minute or so to actually get the thing out. Who did it first? And did Nuge/Wilso keep on swearing and shouting and saying "come on then … 'ave some of this … fancy a piece, etc, etc" while he was in the process of tearing his wardrobe to bits and struggling with coat hangers and club blazers? Did Wilso/Nuge see this happening and then retreat to his own room to wrench and faff with his own heavy metal wardrobe bar? Did he shout stuff through the wall like "I'll be back in a sec" or "how do you work the catch on the metal wardrobe bar … oh, no, got it"? Did they then fight with them like swordsmen in a swashbuckling black and white epic starring Errol Flynn, but with a dull aluminium clanking noise as their wardrobe poles clashed? Or did they circle warily like Obi Wan and Darth, saying stuff like "you can't win, Nugey lad"?
We may never know. But one thing we can be sure of, according to the Sun, is that the Milan home for retired gentlefolk is lining up a £31m bid for Cesc Fábregas, who under the terms of his contract will be required to wear white overalls and push a trolley around San Siro being cheery and saying things like "how's your grandson Mr Thompson? … Your grandson … How is he?" Fábregas is now the No1 transfer target for head coach Leonardo, who used to appear on the BBC a while back being handsome and incoherent for no apparent reason.
Bowlegged Leyton Dave could go "Beck" to Man Utd as something called a "goodwill ambassador" when his playing days are over. So about now then. "It's something that has only been whispered at this stage," whispered a United suit. Didier Drogba is currently writhing on the ground rubbing the index and forefingers on his right hand in apparent agony after signing a new £100,000-a-week deal at Chelsea. Sevilla's Federico Fazio, who sounds like a really good South American player in a football cartoon strip of the 1980s, will not be joining Arsenal.
'Arry Redknapp is "eyeing a £10m swoop" for skilfully gyrating Blackburn giant Christopher Samba. But he's missed out on Arjen Robben, who is still claiming to be 25. And Everton are considering paying £3m for "Gers hothead John Fleck", who really should change the job title on his business cards.
In the Mirror Aston Villa, Man City, Everton and Spurs are all in an increasing froth over Sébastien Bassong, who has refused to play in a pre-season friendly in case he breaks £60,000-worth of fingernail. The Mirror also reports that "repeated claims that then executive director Dennis Wise unearthed the youngster are angrily disputed". Such happy times.
In the Daily Star strutting, fist-punching Nottingham Forest manager Billy Davies is after Danny Shittu, currently wandering around tapping at wall tiles, emptying loose earth out of his pockets and "looking for an escape route from the Reebok".
Back in the Mail, Bassong is now off to Spurs, Stoke want to borrow James Vaughan, who used to be surprisingly big and strong for his age, but like the kid who was really tall and hairy at school while everyone else was still a squeaky-voiced titch but who then found himself oddly shrinking over the years to become a slightly sad, wizened figure by the time you were all doing GCSEs, isn't really any more.
In the Times Birmingham City are cramming internally rhyming Galway United winger Jay O'Shea into a Waitrose "bag for life" and wondering why the poxy handles always break and the thing's frankly just not a big enough bag for life my eye. Doncaster Rovers have signed Quinton Fortune, who has been playing in Belgium for Tubize – a place he found almost impossible to leave because, in the style of a Two Ronnies sketch, whenever anybody asked him what he was up to these days he'd say "Tubize", at which they would apologise for bothering him and leave the room.
Mido has rejoined Zamalek of Egypt, where he will score once on his debut, celebrate like he's single-handedly won the Champions League and then disappear, get fat and have his hair cut in a daring new style. And according to Goal.com Wesley Sneijder's agent has said a move to Inter from Real Madrid is "not possible", but he might just have his train map upside down.
