Hello Danny, how are you? Very well, Small Talk, and you?

Wet, cold and grumpy, since you ask. It's diabolical weather we're having and no mistake. What are the worst weather conditions you've ever played in? [Shudders] I remember it well, Small Talk. It was Bourgoin away in 2005. It was absolutely freezing and we had to have a complete change at half-time, put on the thermals and everything. It was one of those where you were there thinking "this is terrible, TERRIBLE!" but at least we were winning; if we'd lost it would have been total misery.

Ah come on, that doesn't sound too bad. Haven't you ever played in the snow? I have actually, in Diss when we were kids. All these farmers' boys looking out on a pitch that was more like a concrete ice rink, saying "ooh arr, that's alright, that'll be fine."

That's more like it. What's the worst injury you've ever had? [With incongruous guffaw] A fractured eye socket was no fun. And I got it off my own team-mate! Julian White caught me as we were going into a ruck.

Did you exact revenge in training over the following weeks? No, he timed it well. It was towards the end of the season so by the time I came back he was off on holidays.

What is the finest dressing-room prank you've been involved in? Well, I do a very good impression of John Wells, the England forwards coach, so during the last World Cup I rang up [Harlequins flanker] Will Skinner and told him there'd been a few injuries so we were calling him up. I told him we'd already booked his ticket to Paris and there'd be a taxi around the next morning to bring up to the airport. He swallowed it whole, and immediately told his girlfriend and parents that he was off to the World Cup!

You, sir, are a sadist! I couldn't let him go through with it. I rang him the next morning to tell him it was all a joke. But he'd packed and everything!

You, sir, are still a sadist! I only did it because he'd bullied me for the previous two years! Believe me, he would have done the same thing to me if he were able to do John Wells. But he can't, so that shows the importance in life of being able to do a good John Wells impression.

So lessons were learned. Now then, what's the last piece of music you bought? Battle Studies by John Mayer. He's a kind of bluesy guitarist. He's probably better known for going out with Jennifer Aniston but he's a brilliant guitarist. I've got tickets to go see him actually.

Do you play yourself? I've only been playing for a few years.

What are we talking: searing Eddie Van Halen axe solos or are you more of a Mayer-esque blues merchant? No, no, no solos! Just basic strumming. I can do the intros to a couple of Kings of Leon songs, that's about it.

Presumably you can also play The Gambler? [Hearty laughter] That was such a load of rubbish! The media just manufactured that stuff, I don't think anyone in the squad had even heard the song let along sung it before the papers came out and said we were all chanting it every night during the World Cup.

So there wasn't even a grain of truth in it? No, it was a complete invention! And the next thing you know Matt Stevens is there saying "yeah, yeah, the boys love it" and he's whisked off to a recording studio to do his Live Aid heal the world bit!

But word reached poor old Kenny Rogers, who even went and recorded a message for the team and spoke fondly about how proud he was that The Gambler had become your anthem. And it was all a filthy lie? I know, I know! Everyone was sort of looking at each other going "Kenny Rogers?" Though in fairness, after all the fuss that was made about it, we did start singing it a lot!

You've shattered a lovable myth, Danny, so here's your chance to atone: have you ever seen a ghost? No. Except Sam Vesty – he's the whitest person in the world, no skin pigments whatsoever. Definitely the closest thing I've seen to a ghost.

What's your favourite book? The Witches by Roald Dahl. I love that book. My mum still has the illustrations I did to go along with it when I was a kid.

Are they any good? I was three years old. What do you think?

Who's your favourite TV detective? [Explodes with laughter] Detective! Detective! This is the best interview I've ever done! [Turns to man from the Daily Telegraph who has just interviewed him and is now looking decidedly crestfallen.] He's asking about detectives!

Starsky and Hutch? Dempsey and Makepeace? Scooby and Scrappy? Frost! Oh, and Diagnosis: Murder! [Laughs maniacally] No, seriously, I hate Diagnosis: Murder. Hate it!

It's time to tackle the big questions, Danny. Is there life beyond Earth? [Still giggling] I'd say not.

If Nasa offered you a seat on their next voyage to the moon, would you take it? I probably wouldn't have the balls.

OK, so if they offered you the free use of a space shuttle for a couple of weeks and said it was equipped to travel anywhere in the universe, where would you go? The Bahamas.

Surely an opportunity wasted? No, no, people couldn't relate to you if you went to the moon. It'd be a conversation killer. You'd go down the pub and say "I went to the moon yesterday" and people would say "yeah? What did you do there?" And you'd reply "oh not much, saw a few rocks and stuff. Should have gone to the Bahamas."

Since you seem to be the ultimate down-to-earth man, and a bone fide bumpkin to boot, tell us, which is the king of vegetables? Small Talk has you pegged as a parsnip lover … I do like parsnips, you can do all sorts of thing with them. Puree, soup, all sorts.

So it's the versatility that sets it apart? It's certainly versatile. And another thing about parsnips is that most people don't know how to prepare them. They cut off the tip at the end – big mistake! The tip is full of goodness. Keep the tip.

Thanks for the tip. Where are you from, Small Talk? Are you what they call a Munster bogger?

Deepest Dublin. [Reels off some parts of Dublin] Rathgar? Rathfarnham? Ranelagh?

Are they what a Diss man calls boggy? I don't know, all I can tell you is they have some great pubs there. I'm good friends with Shane Jennings and I think he's on a mission to take me to every pub in Dublin.

Shane Jennings, eh? Is that really the most famous name you can drop? Well obviously I've lots of other famous friends. Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes … we're never off the phone to each other.

Talk of your close mate Tom raises another issue: if someone were to make a movie of your life, who should play you? Danny DeVito. For two reasons. First, he's about the same height, and secondly because he's got the same name so it wouldn't be too hard for him to get into character.

Using that logic Danni Minogue would be just as good … She doesn't really have the face for it.

Imagine if she did. Actually, probably best not to. So let's wind this up. Can you tell us a joke? Geordan Murphy told me an awesome rude one about nuns. Can I tell you that?

It'd be rude not to after that build-up … Right, here goes: Two nuns are driving along at night when they take a wrong turn and end up in a graveyard. Suddenly a vampire swoops down out of the trees with his fangs showing. He starts trying to get into the car. He's banging at the window, trying to smash the windscreen. One of the nuns turns to the other and says: "Theresa, show him your cross." Theresa says "OK" ... looks at the vampire and roars: "GET THE FUCK OFF MY CAR, YOU BASTARD!"

[Picking itself up off the floor] A superb climax, Danny. It's been a pleasure. Bye! Bye Small Talk.

Dan Hipkiss was promoting the Guinness Premiership Responsible Drinking Weekend, for more information go to www.guinness.com