The Rumour Mill is minding its own business in a graveyard at dawn, attempting to roast its frozen chestnuts on a puny brazier when who should turn up but Blackburn Rovers' El Hadji Diouf muttering something about weather. "Ha! Ha!" he says. "'Tis ever and so nuncle, with the Black Monks. Scream did he, scream and gurgle as they skewered his cat flap for want of a farthing? Oh! Poor Diouf's cold! Pity poor Diouf, for his nose is frozen, and he does shiver." Apparently, it's taters out and the cold snap has badly affected his form.

Real Madrid are hoping to capitalise on Mrs Vidic's similar contempt for the Lancashire climate by making a £20m summer bid for her husband, Nemanja. Manchester United are lining up Porto's Bruno Alves as his replacement. If that sounds familiar it's because Sir Alex Ferguson has had to go back to Plan A having been told by Palermo's Simon Kjaer that he has no intention of moving to England despite both United and City being prepared to trigger the £18m release clause in his contract.

There's a lot of United ire in the tabs this morning, inspired principally by how comments made by Fabio Capello – United are no longer a "war machine" – were spun yesterday. "Get stuffed, we don't miss Cristiano Ronaldo and we're well placed to win the title," is the gist of Ferguson's rapid rebuttal.

Manchester United will move, however, to bring in a goalkeeper and fancy Lyon's Hugo "Slender" Lloris but not the £20m asking price.

In other Lancashire news, Darren Ferguson is on the verge of replacing Alan Irvine at Preston North End unless Gary Megson-less Bolton Wanderers beat them to it. Blackburn's Benni McCarthy has been heard humming the Kinks' Set Me Free. "Enough's enough," he told the Mail. "I feel I've been stepped on too much and it's best to go." And when it's Big Sam stepping on you, a £2m move to Birmingham City would relieve the South Africa striker of a great weight. Burnley, meanwhile, are close to agreeing terms with Algeria's captain, Yazid Mansouri. A million quid will persuade Lorient to let the midfielder strut in front of the David Fishwick minibus ads at Turf Moor.

Moving south Arsène Wenger has outed himself as a Craig Bellamy fan but thinks getting him out of Manchester City is a non-starter. He'll turn instead to QPR's 15-year-old "wonderkid" Raheem Sterling and stop Jack Wilshere joining Burnley on loan following injuries to Cesc Fábregas and Denilson.

Birmingham are going to sign Joe Hart on a long-term deal from Manchester City for £3.5m instead of waiting until June when they fear the price might be more.

Ruud van Nistelrooy's wages have scared off Blackburn but Liverpool can just about run to the £87,500 a week he wants to leave Real Madrid.

Wee Gordon Strachan, former chalkboard purveyor of this parish, is going to splash £6m on Celtic's Stephen McManus, Barry Robson and Scott McDonald while Paul Telfer sits by the phone wondering if he may have been inadvertently cut off.

Mick McCarthy thinks Derby's Kris Commons would look dandy in old gold and Chris Hughton is eyeing up Leeds' Jermaine Beckford. Both men reckon £1.25m should swing the deals with Newcastle particularly bullish given Beckford has only six months of his contract to run and will tempt the Elland Road supremo, Bad Santa, with a cheeky bid.

And finally, for Liverpool fans, here's a titbit from the web deep throats' site of choice: "Ryan Babel to Birmingham for £10m. Andriy Voronin to Zenit St Petersburg for £3m. Philipp Degen will move to Wigan for £2m and Andrea Dossena is going to Atlético Madrid for £4.5m. With £20m at his disposal, Rafa will spend £11m on [Galatasaray's] Arda Turan, £3.5m on [Standard Liège's] Milan Jovanovic and £5m on [Crystal Palace's] Victor Moses."

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