What with the Stoke City striker James Beattie and his manager Tony Pulis having to be pulled apart in a set-to over a Christmas party, the Fulham striker Bobby Zamora exhorting his own fans to "shut your effin' mouths", and Chelsea's Frank Lampard and Tottenham's Jermain Defoe missing penalties to gift unexpected results to Manchester City and Everton respectively, it's fair to say the season of goodwill is officially upon us.
According to today's Daily Star, David Moyes has posted his letter to Father Christmas and asked for the Atlético Madrid striker Diego Forlán, albeit more in hope of a Christmas miracle than any form of expectation. "If he was interested I would give him a home here but I have said that the players we bring in will probably be on a loan basis," said the Everton manager, presumably by way of polite response to a question from a journalist who asked, possibly for a dare: "If Atlético Madrid striker and two-times winner and current holder of the European Golden Boot, Diego Forlán, a player valued at £31m which everyone knows you don't have, decided for reasons best known to himself that he wanted to move to Everton, would you take him?" The Star reports that the 30-year-old former Manchester United striker Forlan is "desperate to return to the Premier League", but only time will tell how desperate.
The Belgian side Standard Liège have given Manchester United and Arsenal "the green light" to start a bidding war for £15m-rated midfielder Steven Defour, who was famously the lucky recipient of a toe-curling get-well-soon letter from Sir Alex Ferguson after breaking his foot a couple of months ago. With Defour having made it clear that he sees his future in the Premier League, expect Arsène Wenger to try to make up ground in the chase for his signature by sending the young Liège captain a Christmas card with a nice personalised message, an Arsenal advent calendar containing the finest Belgian chocolates and an invitation to the Emirates for mulled wine, mince pies and carol-singing on Christmas Eve.
Wenger has also lined up the unsettled Barcelona striker Bojan Krkic in his crosshairs, with a view to bringing the youngest player ever to score for Barcelona (17 years and 51 days, since you asked so nicely) in as cover for the injured striker Robin van Persie. Krkic's ability is not in question, but his temperament is: the teenager occasionally suffers from anxiety attacks and missed out on a European Championship medal in 2008 after asking to be left out of the Spain squad on the grounds that he was "physically and emotionally shattered". Now 19, he is believed to want a move away from Camp Nou having slipped down the pecking ord ... well, having failed to move up the pecking order in the past two years.
Having baulked at signing one Balkan when they ended their interest in the Partizan Belgrade midfielder Adem Ljajic last week, Manchester United have set their sights on another: Wolfsburg's 23-year-old Bosnian striker Edin Dzeko. The player himself, however, is believed to prefer a move to Italy.
Meanwhile back at The Emirates, Arsène Wenger has laughed off talk linking him with the Real Madrid striker Ruud van Nistelrooy, 71, the former Manchester United star who has – sarcasm ahoy! – long been a firm favourite with Gunners fans. "It would not be the best of starts, bearing in mind our past relationship!" chuckled Wenger, before adding that any striker he signs needs "not to be European Cup-tied and also free, so we must hope Father Christmas is good to us!" Here's hoping for Wenger's sake that the aforementioned benevolent bearded fat man didn't see his naughty refusal to play nice with his Manchester City counterpart Mark Hughes last week. If he did, Wenger may have to settle for the football transfer equivalent of a spinning top and an orange in Carlton Cole.
And finally, in rare speculation from today's tabs that doesn't relate to either Manchester United or Arsenal, the Mirror reveals that the Birmingham City manager Alex McLeish likes the cut of the Fulham full-back Paul Konchesky's jib, while Tottenham's 'Arry Redknapp may buy himself an early Christmas present by gazumping Hoffenheim's £8m bid to secure the scrawl of the Ivory Coast and Young Boys of Berne striker Seydou Doumbia.
