So here we are. Up and coming Liverpool, who no one in the press has ever doubted, take on crisis club Arsenal, who you might remember as the side destined to win the Premier League a few weeks back. Since then they've lost against United and Chelsea and Arsène Wenger has become a very angry man indeed.
Nicklas Bendtner is hoping to get a start with Eduardo injured, while Martin Skrtel is likely to be back for Liverpool as Sotirios Kyrgiakos starts his three-match ban. Alberto Aquilani misses the game because he's so pale and sickly he has actually turned transparent and Rafa Benítez isn't sure where he left him. It's a terrifying image: a frightened Alberto lost in the backstreets of Liverpool unable to attract help from people who assume his voice is a long wave Italian jazz programme wafting down from a nearby window.
Liverpool haven't won a league game at Arsenal since February 2000 but seeing as that match was played with a different set of players in different circumstances it has no effect on tonight's game. Like when FA Cup commentators say "Aston Villa haven't beaten Bury for 39 years" which sounds impressive until you realise they haven't played each other for 39 years.
Tonight's teams for you reading pleasure:
Arsenal (4-3-3): Almunia; Eboue, Gallas, Vermaelen, Clichy; Diaby, Song, Fabregas; Arshavin, Bendtner, Nasri. Subs: Fabianski, Sagna, Rosicky, Walcott, Denilson, Traore, Campbell.
Liverpool (4-2-3-1): Reina; Carragher, Skrtel, Agger, Insua; Mascherano, Lucas; Kuyt, Gerrard, Maxi Rodriguez; Ngog. Subs: Cavalieri, Riera, Aurelio, Babel, Spearing, Degen, Kelly.
Referee: Howard Webb (S Yorkshire)
"A rather aggressive start to the report tonight, eh Tom?" writes George Solomon. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT! OUTSIDE! NOW! "But, talking of aggression, I see Liverpool smashing Arsenal off the park tonight. 2-0 to Rafa's men." George's email ends with one of those automatic sign offs that Hotmail stick in: "We want to hear all your funny, exciting and crazy Hotmail stories. Tell us now". Has anyone ever in the history of the internet ever had a "crazy" Hotmail story? No. Because there are none. I once thought I'd forgotten my password but it turned out I'd pressed Caps Lock by accident. Crazy!
Breaking Rob Green news. "Hi Tom," shouts friendly Paul Doyle all the way from Upton Park. "In tonight's match programme Rob Green has been invited, like so many before him, to name his all-time XI. No Pele, Maradona or Moore for him, though, because he has decided to fill the line-up exclusively with players from 'my beloved Woking Town'. Can you he believe that he chose to pair Adie Cowler with Kevan Brown in the centre of defence? Go on, admit that you can't." I can't.
1 min: We're off. And so is Patrick Smith: "If Portsmouth disappear are all the results so far void? Do only two teams go down or four come up-what are the rules?" I'm informed by my colleague James Dart that results against Pompey would be void, leaving Liverpool in third, Arsenal fourth and Chelsea five points clear at the top. West Ham would be bottom, although they could gain some comfort from learning only two teams would go down. I just did a fact. I've never done a fact before.
3 min: Liverpool semi-threaten by hanging around in the Arsenal half without actually achieving anything.
5 min: Vermaelen clatters Rodriguez and Liverpool win a free-kick around 30 yards out. Gerrard delivers and Kuyt's looping shot is saved, with a little extravagance, by Almunia. "Do you think Aquilani's sequence of injuries might be related to the series of burglaries of Liverpool-based footballers on midweek away days?" wonders Spencer Jones. "Given salary, saved security costs and the cost of replacing belongings, Alberto could well be the best paid player at the club." It's a nice theory with only one downfall: Alberto's not really going to scare a team of hulking burglars off, is he? He might catch a nasty cold off them but that's about it.
7 min: Arsenal's first attempt. Fábregas delivers a free-kick onto Gallas's forehead and he plops it over. He should have forced at least a save there. "More importantly, what would Portsmouth's disappearance mean for Fantasy Football?," cries Colin Greer. "My God."
10 min: Gerrard runs round in a little triangle before giving the ball away. Bendtner then flicks the ball up to Nasri but he can't quite latch on to it. "Here's a funny story," says Rufus Peel. "Shortly after opening a Hotmail account it was bombarded by such vast quantities of mostly obscene spam that I was forced to change over to Gmail where I have been happily ever since. Amazing but true." Gmail is good. Does anyone else enjoy the tea house theme? The little panda is feeding his ducks at the moment, the plucky little fella.
12 min: Skrtel brings down Fábregas, whose name I've started writing with the correct á and now have to do every time. Fábregas smacks the free-kick into the wall.
14 min: Arshavin and Lucas bring each other down and have a little lie down and chat as they gather their thoughts. Liverpool get the free-kick but waste it. Nasri is down and not looking too healthy.
16 min: Ngog dribbles a shot into Almunia's arms, which don't fail him. This time. Nasri is stumbling about looking slightly concussed.
17 min: Villa are 1-0 against United. Cuellar is the scorer. "While working for a prestigious financial publisher, I was given an official warning for email porn," says John Stibbs. "Fair enough, except that the emails weren't for me. Some other half-witted stibbsy had given his mates his new email address and got it wrong. For some reason my explanation was doubted. He's out there somewhere having missed some good nights out and filth. The numb nuts." John is writing from Bogota. I don't know if that has anything to do with the story.
21 min: Our creaking system crashes just as United equalise, through a Collins own goal. Villa 1-1 Man Utd. Sorry, I know this is an Arsenal v Liverpool game. Rodriguez slips and volleys over. Very over.
24 min: The system crashes again. At least it's consistent. Arshavin attempts to control a huge long ball from Diaby but it squirms off his foot.
25 min: Arshavin stabs the ball to Bendtner, who skies his shot with only Reina in his sights. Wolves are 1-0 against Spurs.
28 min: Reina punches the ball unconvincingly and Nasri's shot is blocked by a Liverpool player's undercarriage. Sorry, didn't recognise whose it was. "Allow me to be one of 1056 pedants with good intentions to explain that Fàbregas is Catalan and therefore with an à," says Gadi Abraham. "All this writing on the internet is all about putting yourself up to be knocked down, eh?" You're knocking out style guide, Gadi. I've been told in no uncertain terms it's á not à and certainly not a.
31 min: Rodriguez's shot is deflected for a corner and Almunia punches clear. Here's Gary Naylor: "I don't want to sound prissy (well no more than usual) but at 17 mins, you commit a solecism common amongst you Media types, but intensely annoying to us punters. 'United' isn't sufficient to identify the club based in Manchester that isn't Citeh. Contrary to the popular ditty, there is more than one United." Everyone knows I was talking about Scunthorpe, Gary. Oh, and Nani has been sent off for the other United, Manchester.
32 min: Blackburn are 1-0 up against Hull. Arsenal weather a few minutes of Liverpool pressure and Reina needs to come out quickly to get the ball as Bendtner storms in.
34 min: Insua and Lucas dawdle horribly in their own area and soon conspire to lose the ball. Luckily for them, Arshavin shoots over. Rosicky is on for Nasri. And it's Everton 0-1 Chelsea.
36 min: Gerrard's pass is too strong for Lucas, who would have made a mess of it anyway. "I see no reason why, just because you've used the "á" of "Fábregas" once (12 min), you have to keep using it," says Mac Millings. "If we all went round spelling things the way they should be spelled, then, according to a couple of young women I know, we'd have to start calling you Tom Lust." They've seen my erotic revue too, have they?
39 min: Fabregas, whose accent has now been given the night off, attempts to thread a pass through to Bendtner but it comes to nowt. Clichy is booked.
41 min: Maxi evens the bookings out with a non-existent foul.
44 min: I'm sorry, I'd like to make this more exciting for you but both teams are playing what is known technically as "bad football." Fabregas runs half of the length of the pitch to make up for the other players but shoots into Reina's arms.
45 min + 2 min: Arshavin and Fabregas combine to .. to ... What do they combine to do? Run it into Carragher's legs. West Ham 1-0 Birmingham. Ossie Ardiles couldn't have masterminded that.
Half-time: Everton have equalised against Chelsea. Arsenal's response to their defeat against Chelsea has been uninspiring so far. Recently they've been prettily ineffective, tonight they're just pretty ineffective.
Half-time emails: "It looks as though Arsenal will be the latest to fall victim to the new 'Rafa strategy': select non-footballers Lucas, Ngog, and Insua and bore the opposition (and the rest of us) to a stupor; hope to nick a goal from a set-piece, but settle for 0-0," says Lou Roper. "Long may the 'unbeaten run' continue. The one positive from this approach is that it compounds the annoyance of Everton supporters when they lose the derby."
"Re: accents on Fabregas," says Brandy Dykhuizen. "I, for one, cannot believe you are so bold as to spell Андрей Аршавин in such a plebeian way." I think you missed an accent on the д.
45 min: A textbook kick-off: a crisp pass to feet and by far the best passage of play so far. "OK the blood and thunder of the Merseyside Derby wasn't to everyone's tastes (not mine either - we lost) but it was better than this excuse for football wasn't it?" asks Naylor. At least there was petty violence. Nothing wrong with that. Everton have missed a penalty against Chelsea.
47 min: Arshavin tries an outrageous effort almost at 90 degrees from Reina's goal that whooshes into the side netting
A transcript of Arsenal's half-time talk.
Wenger: That wasn't very good, was it?
Arsenal: No.
A transcript of Liverpool's half-time talk.
Benitez That wasn't very good, was it?
Liverpool: No.
48 min: Hey! This is getting better. Lucas scampers through and his shot curls over as he falls to his right.
51 min: Skrtel's flick-on is cleared by Abou Diaby. Things are improving rapidly. We may even see a goal tonight. "Never mind Fàábregas, says Andy Redfern. "I've never seen a British journo spell Jussi Jääskeläinen's name correctly." You mean James Jacks.
54 min: Brilliant from Gallas. Ngog is clean through but the Arsenal defender puts in a crunching tackle to deny him. Rosicky is then in on goal but a hammer of a second touchn means the ball booms out before he can get a shot away.
56 min: Degen is on for Carragher, who had a cut mouth earlier in the game. Didn't look bad enough to merit a substitution though. Bendtner's through ball is blocked but the deflection falls to the Dane, whose shot is saved by Reina.
58 min: The teams are playing just as artlessly as they were in the first-half: they're just doing it a a more frantic pace now. Which makes it better for us.
60 min: A Liverpool corner, there have been very few of them tonight for both teams. Just as well because Gerrard's is a shin-seeker special.
62 min: Degen's first contribution is to pull Arshavin down. Fàáäbregas wastes the free-kick. Carragher's substitution was down to a groin strain not a cut.
65 min: Lovely ball through to Bendtner who goes down under a light challenge from Agger. Webb reckons it's a dive and Nicky is booked. Arshavin then miscues as he only has Reina to beat before Rosicky's shot booms over.
67 min: Corner to Liverpool, although Song looked like he cleared in time to me. Arshavin is replaced by Walcott, presumably for his aerial presence. It works too and Liverpool waste the corner. It's West Ham 2-0 Birmingham and Blues don't really do goals, so it looks like a safe three points. "Arsenal will win this now for two reasons," says Niall Millen. The first is Philip, the second is Degen."
GOAL! Arsenal 1-0 Liverpool (Diaby 71) A quite unArsenal goal. Rosicky crosses from the right and Diaby plants a League Two centre-half's header into the back of the net. Old school.
73 min: I was just typing that the game had fallen back to the bad old minutes of the first-half but things are nicely pepped up now. Liverpool will actually have to attack.
76 min: Gerrard tumbles in the box but only because he ran into Arsenal's entire back four. "If that goal was not pure football is Wenger now going to disown it?" asks Robin Hazlehurst. "Can he ask the ref to rule it out and stay at 0-0 so he can do it the hard way. Or will conveniently have not seen the incident that led his team to use anti-football methods?"
78 min: Babel is on for Lucas in an attempt to inject some vim. Or maybe just to get rid of Lucas.
80 min: Free-kick for Liverpool. Almunia does his Almunia thing by flapping but Arsenal manage to clear. "This truly is a thrilling scoreline," says Hugh Collins. "I can see the headlines now - 'Also ran defeats also ran - no noticeable impact on Premier League table'."
82 min: Bendtner is off for the more obvious goal threat of Sagna.
84 min: Walcott dinks it up to Fabregas who volleys from 15 yards out. It's one of those moments when you're sure the ball will fly into the back of the net. Then you remember the last 84 minutes and sigh as it flies wide.
86 min: Babel creates some room with a lovely touch, his shot then fizzes towards goal and Almunia touches it onto the bar.
88 min: Maxi completes his own personal quest to kill the art of finishing by shooting straight at Almunia.
90 min: Degen is caught offside. Phil Dowd says there will be four minutes of injury time. "I'm going to put on my Comic Book Guy trackpants and pony tail and say 'Most.Cynical.MBM.Ever,'" says James Dann. It's the game that did it to me. Everton go 2-1 up against Chelsea!
90 min + 2: Walcott attracts the ire of Wenger by taking a shot instead of wandering towards the corner flag.
90 min + 3: Free-kick to Liverpool on the edge of the area...
90 min +4 : ... and it hits the wall. Arsenal clear and that's full time. Looking again, Fabregas's hànd appeared to hándball it. Howard Webb disagreed. Arsenal just about edged that for a decent spell at the opening of the second-half. If the result stays the same at Everton – Chelsea are 2-1 down – Arsenal will be six points off first place.
