Welcome to live coverage of Dan Parks v Jonny Wilkinson. Hoof. Boot. Hoof. Hoof. Boot. Boot. Hoof. Boot. Hoof. Hoof. Hoof. Bootity. Boot.
There will be at least 28 other players milling around the park at various points in proceedings. And here they are.
Poor old half-decent Scotland, who have either been dreadfully unlucky, or bottled it big style, this year: H Southwell (Stade Francais); S Lamont (Scarlets), N De Luca (Edinburgh), G Morrison (Glasgow), M Evans (Glasgow); C Cusiter (Glasgow, capt); A Jacobsen (Edinburgh), R Ford (Edinburgh), E Murray (Northampton); J Hamilton (Edinburgh), A Kellock (Glasgow); K Brown (Glasgow), J Barclay (Glasgow), J Beattie (Glasgow).
Replacements: S Lawson (Gloucester), G Cross (Edinburgh), N Hines (Leinster), A MacDonald (Edinburgh), R Lawson (Gloucester), P Godman (Edinburgh), S Danielli (Ulster).
England, who haven't scored a try at Murrayfield since 2004: D Armitage (London Irish); M Cueto (Sale Sharks), M Tait (Sale Sharks), R Flutey (Brive), U Monye (Harlequins); D Care (Harlequins); T Payne (Wasps), D Hartley (Northampton), D Cole (Leicester); L Deacon (Leicester), S Borthwick (Saracens, capt); J Haskell (Stade Francais), J Worsley (Wasps), N Easter (Harlequins).
Replacements: S Thompson (Brive), D Wilson (Bath), C Lawes (Northampton), L Moody (Leicester), B Youngs (Leicester), T Flood (Leicester), B Foden (Northampton).
Referee: Marius Jonker (South Africa).
Assistant referees: Peter Fitzgibbon (Ireland) and Carlo Damasco (Italy).
Kick-off. 5pm.
Should England, one of the biggest rugby nations in the world, stop buggering about and start flinging the damn thing around in the grand tradition? Yes.
Will they? No.
The skirl of the pipes. Dan Parks, ahead of his 50th cap, runs out first. Then the anthems. First, the British one, England labouring under the misapprehension that it's theirs. Then it's Flower of Scotland, a stirring delivery, mainly because the pipes cut out during the second verse and chorus, allowing the crowd to make the noise. No PA blasting out, nothing but the voice of the crowd. A lesson for us all there, that lesson being that it's not wrong to dream dreamy dreams of stadium DJs getting their hands caught in industrial lathes.
And we're off! Scotland get the ball not so much rolling as spinning through various different axis. Southwell, Parks and Wilkinson trade kicks up and down the field, England eventually kicking deep, Scotland allowing the ball to bump out of play by their own 22, giving England some early territorial advantage. But not the ball - the Scots win the first lineout of the day with ease - then boot it upfield. Expect more of this.
3 min: A burst down the middle by England, a couple of passes sticking to hand and Monye rampaging towards the Scottish 22. He's tapped on the ankles, though, and loses the ball as he falls to ground. The Scots have hardly had a feel of the ball in their hands so far.
6 min: The pipe-and-drum band are giving it Shortbread Stylings in the background. A-heedrum a-hodrum. On the pitch, the home side are awarded a penalty, almost 40 metres out, right in the centre, an English hand faffing around with the ball on the floor. Speaking of hands, Gary Naylor is unhappy at the thought of stadium DJs getting their pinkies caught in industrial lathes. "That's too kind - there are alternative body parts." The head? The neck? The head and neck?
7 min: PENALTY. Scotland 3-0 England. Parks makes no mistake with the penalty, sending it confidently between the posts from some distance.
9 min: Some loose kicking to touch by Armitage gifts the ball straight back to Scotland. A quick lineout later, and Beattie's rampaging upfield. An English offside in open play gives Scotland a penalty, but Parks misses touch - by about five metres as well. England then fail to find touch themselves while dispatching the ball back upfield, whereupon a Scottish Garryowen is sliced into touch about five yards ahead of the player. Nobody can even manage a basic kicking game at the moment. This is where we've arrived.
12 min: England attempt an expansive passing sequence - three in a row! - but can only manage two before one's sent spinning towards the right flank towards Armitage's head at 384mph. Dear me. "What the flip is going on with the collar on that Scotland shirt?" asks Niall Harden, squinting painfully. "That's a monstrosity, even by the very low standards of modern rugby shirts."
15 min: PENALTY. Scotland 3-3 England. Scotland concede a penalty for going off feet in a tackle. It's just to the right of the posts, inside their own 22, and Wilkinson, to a cacophany of boos, makes no mistake.
17 min: Scotland come straight back at England, Parks booting a penalty towards the left corner. Passes are flung, De Luca powers down the right, then Parks sends a huge crossfield kick towards Evans, who claims the ball brilliantly but is held up equally wonderfully. However an English shirt holds a man down in the tackle: penalty. Scotland don't kick, preferring to keep sniffing around for a try. After another couple of passes, Borthwick stops a tackled player moving again. That's another penalty - this time one that'll be kicked by Parks.
19 min: PENALTY. Scotland 6-3 England. Parks strokes the kick between the sticks. Just before the penalty, Borthwick copped a minor rollocking from the referee; much more fannying around on the ground may cost England a yellow card.
22 min: Scotland are trying - really trying - to put some lovely passing moves together, but it's not quite coming off for them at the moment. After good work from De Luca and Southwell, Evans breaks clear down the left but there's no support for him and eventually the move breaks down.
23 min: Parks, just to the left of the posts, 40 metres out, tries a very ambitious drop goal. The effort just about makes the distance, but is a good 200 yards left of the target.
26 min: Scotland spray it right to left, but with men free on the wing Morrison flings a howitzer of a pass at Southwell's head, and though he does well to hold on to the difficult ball, is tackled well by Monye. A holding offence gives England possession. For a second there Scotland were going somewhere, passing it around nicely, only for the wheels come clanking off. "I hope the two weeks of pain Johnson called to be inflicted on Scotland doesn't amount to injuries caused by constant laughter at our inept attacking rugby," writes Ian Copestake, tempting fate furiously. Stop tempting fate! Scotland are perfectly capable of jiggering things up themselves without you loading the dice.
29 min: Tait whips the ball out right to Wilkinson, who immediately shuttles it on for Armitage, a lovely first-time touch. Armitage over-runs the ball, though, and can't hold on. The first passage of attractive play from England. Both teams have now given it a good go, at least give them that.
30 min: Hartley crumps his fist onto the side of Ford's head. Ford retaliates. It's something and nothing, but Borthwick and Cusiter are called for a word with the referee. The England captain rails at his Scottish counterpart because Euan Murray isn't binding properly at the scrum. And then we begin again with...
31 min: PENALTY. Scotland 6-6 England. Wilkinson kicks an effort over from 30-odd yards, just to the right of the post. The ball drops over the bar to silence.
34 min: Another drop goal attempt by Parks, more nonsense. It's never going over, short and about six miles right of the posts.
36 min: England can't put anything together at the moment. Scotland meanwhile are passing it around nicely, Morrison feeding Evans down the left flank and nearly sending him clear down the touchline. England do well to usher him back inside, and the move peters out.
38 min: The teams are currently in the third minute of an attempt to set a scrum. This is hellish.
39 min: DROP GOAL. Scotland 9-6 England. Finally the scrum is just about acceptable, and Scotland move on their way upfield. After a few phases, grinding out a few yards each time, the ball's flung back to Parks in the pocket. At the third time of asking, he drops a goal, though it's a real scuffed effort.
HALF TIME: Scotland 9-6 England. It's not been much of a half. Scotland just about deserve their lead, having at least put a few passing moves together. But it's been pretty dismal fare served up by both sides. A two-minute-and-41-second scrum, for the love of God. More throwing and catching, please! "This isn't a good advert for rugby," opines Sam Barritt. "I'll always prefer this more nuanced and complicated game to football, but right now I have a hard time explaining why."
And we're off again! And within 15 seconds, Hamilton concedes the most idiotic of penalties, coming through and kicking the ball out of an English hand. Dear oh dear.
42 min: PENALTY. Parks 9-9 Wilkinson. Wilkinson, from 40 yards, knocks it over with minimum fuss.
44 min: Determined runs first by Southwell, then by Evans, brings Scotland up to the English 22, but a poor pass gifts possession to England. In a resulting tackle, Wilkinson is crumped upside the head and is led off gingerly, to be replaced by Flood. He walks off to some cheers. As a result, BBC commentator Brian Moore is with the rage.
46 min: This is rubbish. England have the ball right in the centre of Scottish territory, but allow themselves to be turned over the second a couple of blue shirts converge on them. Then Cusiter, under no pressure whatsoever, kicks the ball miles into touch on the full.
48 min: England are enjoying their first sustained period of possession in Scottish territory. Scotland couldn't turn their territorial ascendancy in the first half into serious points; can the visitors? "Brian Moore is right to be outraged at the crowd's cheers when they realised Jonny was injured," writes Gary Naylor. "England fans are cruel."
50 min: PENALTY. Scotland 9-12 England. Yes they can. From 30 yards out, to the right of the posts, Flood clips over a penalty to give England the lead for the first time.
51 min: Foden comes on for Armitage.
51 min and a bit: Pretty much straight from the restart, Haskell fails to release his man on the floor. That's a penalty, but a difficult one, 40 yards out, tight to the right touchline.
52 min: PENALTY. Scotland 12-12 England. Parks - to English whistles - wallops his effort straight between the sticks. Just before the restart, Hines replaces Hamilton.
54 min: An imaginative move! Scotland play it super-long at a lineout, Brown catching the ball before eating up a few yards, then offloading to Evans. For a second, it looks like a break is on, but England swarm around the lone blue shirt and hold Scotland up. A couple of phases later, however, and England tackle a man in the air. That's a penalty - but one missed by Parks, who hits the left-hand post. The ball bounces out - and is immediately sliced into touch by England. That is useless.
55 min: Cusiter nearly breaks through the centre as he crosses the English 22, but is tackled. The next phase sees the ball shuttled out wide right, where Brown and Monye's heads come together in a hellish crunch. It looks like neither man will be able to continue.
55 min: Macdonald comes on for Brown, who thankfully walks off. He appears to want to continue, but come off it, man. Luckily the Scottish physios lead him away. Monye is still down on the ground, being carefully placed on a stretcher in a neck brace. We'll be a while here.
56 min: A strange one, that, because to look at the impact you'd have thought the Scot would have come off worse - Brown hit Monye head on, his head being forced down, while Monye was "only" clacked on the side of his head. And it was Brown who crumbled into an instant heap. Still, what does that tell you. Anyway, best wishes to both men. Monye is carried off to warm cheers and applause. And we're off again, Youngs coming on for the stricken Monye.
58 min: England are awarded a kickable penalty, a Scottish carrier refusing to release the ball on the ground. This is fairly central, 47 metres out. "Oh good Lord this is depressing, England are destined to squeak an utterly dreadful win," writes Jon Stibbs. Who is English. "We'll be flattered by the table. There will no be motivation for change. Come on Scotland, do it for England!" Jesus McChrist, when you're looking to Scotland for help, things are really getting desperate.
59 min: Flood does his bit for The English Cause According To Jon Stibbs by pushing his penalty well wide right.
60 min: A few phases of possession for England in the Scottish half. And then it's another penalty, Jacobsen's hands wandering in the ruck. But the kick is the best part of 40 metres out, tight on the left wing, so they kick for touch inside Scotland's 22 instead.
61 min: A couple of changes: Haskell is replaced by Moody, while Cusiter goes off for Rory Lamont.
63 min: An English scrum, five yards from the Scottish line. Hartley is crunched by a huge tackle. But England keep on keepin' on, with the advantage of a penalty. They've got four on three wide right, but a loose pass allows Evans to break the move up. It'll still be a kick at goal for England from 15 yards or so, however.
65 min: PENALTY. Scotland 12-15 England. And that's never going to be missed by Flood. England have been staunch, if not spectacular, in this half. Murrayfield is very quiet again as a result.
66 min: England give away a penalty for handling on the floor, 49 metres out, on the left touchline. For a minute he looks like flourishing a yellow card, but nobody's sent to the sinbin; it was (I think) substitute Youngs, who isn't up to speed according to the ref, and therefore worthy of an extra chance.
68 min: Parks hoicks a very decent effort towards the posts, but again the ball crashes back off the woodwork. Scotland, Macdonald chasing up, so nearly force a try, the big man trying to power over, then Parks chipping and chasing, but both attempts fail. No matter: they've a penalty advantage.
69 min: PENALTY. Scotland 15-15 England. Parks can't miss from 15 yards out, and levels the match.
71 min: Danielli - who has just come on for... erm... - goes on a slalom 40-yard run, from out wide left in his own half towards the right touchline in the English half. Only De Luca is up to support him, though, and once he's eventually tackled, the move peters out.
72 min: Foden clatters into Kellock, who requires treatment. And there's a lovely moment when the Scot finally gets back to his feet after a couple of minutes: the play having gone on, he rises from the floor and catches a long punt in one smooth action, setting Scotland on their way upfield again. Now there's timing.
75 min: England fling a few passes out left, and look dangerous with ball in hand for once, but only for a split second: Foden runs out of space and into touch. With the scores tied and the end approaching, this is exciting, sort of. But also very terrible.
76 min: The ball's getting kicked this way, then that. Hmm. "I don't know much about rugby," writes David Horn, but this is like watching Liverpool v Wigan, with the half-time entertainment a video of Liverpool v everyone else this season." Oh I think you've got a handle on it.
77 min: Scott Lawson, whose sinbin in Cardiff turned a famous Scottish win into a famous Scottish loss, illegally holds his man back, gifting England a penalty. It's dead central, 49 metres out. Can Flood convert?
78 min: Most dramatically, no. His kick is dead on line, but the ball dies in the air right at the last, drops on the crossbar, falls backwards - and forward of the line. He really couldn't have been any closer.
79 min: Scotland turn over the ball. Sean Lamont bounds up the right wing, but knocks forward when tackled. England have the put-in to the scrum. This will be the final passage of play.
80 min: The clock turns over 80 minutes. A draw will ensure England keep the Calcutta Cup.
FULL TIME: Scotland 15-15 England. It's the last passage of play. England keep driving it forward, eventually slinging the ball back into the pocket for Flood. He attempts a drop kick - but it's charged down. Mindful of what happened to them in Wales, Scotland kick to touch immediately, ending the game. "I don't really understand this game, being from Yorkshire and all, but I try to keep an open mind," writes Jon Millard. "However, one thing really does puzzle me. Before a game, lots of footage is shown of men in the Seventies playing a fast paced and exciting game. Then anthems are sung, The whistle blown and what is happening in front of us now happens. What happened to Rugby Union and who did it?" God alone knows, Jon. I certainly can't help you, I'm simple folk. But you can be sure plenty of experts will be opining away after this piss-poor Six Nations is done and dusted.
