You know it's a slow news day when one of the featured stories on the homepage of Britain's best-selling daily paper carries the headline "baboon nicks bag from car". It might not be up there with the most obscure local newspaper exclusives recently tweeted to infamy, but it ain't far off. And this the morning after one of the most spell-bindingly brilliant European matches in recent memory at Fulham. They could have just scrapped the paper and printed the entire match in flick-book form.
Meanwhile in The Star, another top exclusive: Victoria Beckham jetted in to see her stricken husband carrying a suitcase full of his favourite snack: Cheetos cheese puffs. "Beckham, 34, is said to adore the Wotsit-like treats," they report.
In the Mail, phat dope down-dirty sweet homie Brendan Guilfoyle, Crystal Palace's administrator, is discussing his musical tastes. "I'm a big hip-hop fan," he lied, before denying that P Diddy is about to buy the crisis club. "There's no truth in it."
And now for some genuine transfer speculation, with news that Everton and Seville are engaged in an £8m tug-of-war over Twente's Costa Rican striker Bryan Ruiz. With Blaise Nkufo heading for Seattle, Twente boss Steve McClaren needs to sign some strikers, sharpish, and has put Hull's Jan Vennegoor of Hesselink at the top of his shortlist.
Talking of Hull, Phil Brown's break from management might be brief, with his name high on Bristol City's shortlist after the sacking of Gary Johnson. Others in the running are Doncaster's Sean O'Driscoll, Bournemouth's Eddie Howe and currently-out-of-work former Ipswich bosses Jim Magilton and George Burley.
Bastian Schweinsteiger has moved to cool speculation linking him with a move to Chelsea. "What is written in English papers is not always right," he told Bild. He's not wrong there, but he should try looking at their websites. Full of rubbish, as a rule. Anyway, back to Bastian. "Today, many things are possible. What is very interesting in England is the atmosphere in the stadiums. But I have a lengthy contract with Bayern and therefore I assume that I will continue to play here."
At 25, Schweinsteiger is young enough to fit the bill for Roman Abramovich, who wants to ship out some of Chelsea's pensioners. "Roman will be spending in the summer – but not crazy money," a source tells The Star. "And he wants to bring in young players." Arsenal, meanwhile, "will make central defence a priority during this summer's transfer window," reports the Telegraph.
There's "no way" Robbie Keane will be back on loan at Celtic next season, says Harry Redknapp. One Spurs loanee who might not come back is Alan Hutton, with Steve Bruce desperate to make his move to Sunderland permanent. "I haven't had any conversation with Harry Redknapp," Bruce says, "but if he was available in the summer, of course I would be interested." Marton Fulop is on his way out of the club, meanwhile, with "at least two Turkish clubs" interested.
India are planning to launch a two-month-long annual football competition based on the IPL, starring big international names whose contracts in Europe have just expired. Pini Zahavi and Kia Joorabchian are going to make it happen, we're told. "It's a very exciting concept," an "Indian source" told the Sun.
The Mirror reveals that Albert Riera's fall-out with Rafael Benítez was precipitated by "a training-ground bust-up with an Anfield youngster". And, in news involving neither Premier League clubs nor hip-hop moguls, Blackpool want to sign Clint Hill from P Diddy's Crystal Palace, while Preston want to keep Manchester United's on-loan Matty James for good.
Stat of the day: 4
Number of sentences in the Star's report of John Terry's security-guard-leg-smashing apology before they get on to "He bedded Vanessa Perroncel ..."
