Preamble: Hallo, hallo, hallo. Today's 3 o'clockers feature one title aspirant, five relegation candidates, three teams with their eyes on Europe and one comfy midtable outfit.
Burnley and Bolton will be the loci of most of the afternoon's tension, where both teams will hope to put one over on their fellow strugglers, Wigan and Wolves. With just six points separating 13th and 19th, there is much to do or die for. West Ham, meanwhile, face the unenviable task of trying to pry points out of Chelsea at the Bridge, in order to ensure they don't slip disastrously back into the mire.
All of which portentuous nonsense probably means all three games will end in draws. So here's hoping for goals aplenty at St Andrew's (errr ...) and the Britannia (where the league's stingiest defence is visiting). Ah.
And finally, while I eat some pre-games tucker, I will leave you with this tidbit from the Shoot 40th anniversary annual on my desk: Geoff Hurst dislikes small coffee cups. Make of that what you will ...
Today's 3pm fixtures
Birmingham City v Everton
Bolton Wanderers v Wigan Athletic
Burnley v Wolverhampton Wanderers
Chelsea v West Ham United
Stoke City v Aston Villa
Today's combatants
Bolton v Wigan
Bolton: Jaaskelainen, Steinsson, Andrew O'Brien, Knight, Robinson, Lee, Muamba, Cohen, Wilshere, Kevin Davies, Elmander.
Subs: Al Habsi, Taylor, Riga, Gardner, Klasnic, Shittu, Weiss.
Wigan: Kirkland, Boyce, Caldwell, Bramble, Figueroa, Scharner, N'Zogbia, Diame, Moses, McCarthy, Rodallega.
Subs: Stojkovic, Amaya, Thomas, Scotland, Gomez, Sinclair, Moreno.
Referee: Mike Dean (Wirral)
Burnley v Wolverhampton
Burnley: Jensen, Mears, Carlisle, Cort, Fox, Elliott, Alexander, Bikey, Eagles, Paterson, Nugent.
Subs: Weaver, Duff, Edgar, Rodriguez, Blake, Jordan, Thompson.
Wolverhampton: Hahnemann, Zubar, Craddock, Berra, Ward, Foley, Guedioura, Henry, David Jones, Jarvis, Doyle.
Subs: Hennessey, Elokobi, Ebanks-Blake, Keogh, Vokes, Milijas, Mancienne.
Referee: Steve Bennett (Kent)
Birmingham v Everton
Birmingham: Hart, Carr, Johnson, Dann, Ridgewell, Gardner, Ferguson, Bowyer, Fahey, Jerome, Benitez.
Subs: Taylor, Larsson, Phillips, McFadden, Michel, Queudrue, Tainio.
Everton: Howard, Neville, Jagielka, Distin, Baines, Anichebe, Heitinga, Arteta, Pienaar, Cahill, Yakubu.
Subs: Nash, Hibbert, Yobo, Bilyaletdinov, Donovan, Gosling, Rodwell.
Referee: Lee Probert (Wiltshire)
Chelsea v West Ham
Chelsea: Turnbull, Ivanovic, Alex, Terry, Paulo Ferreira, Ballack, Mikel, Lampard, Anelka, Drogba, Malouda.
Subs: Taylor, Joe Cole, Zhirkov, Deco, Kalou, Sturridge, Bruma.
West Ham: Green, Spector, Upson, Gabbidon, Daprela, Ilan, Parker, Kovac, Behrami, Dyer, Mido.
Subs: Stech, Cole, McCarthy, Tomkins, Collison, Diamanti, Stanislas.
Referee: Mark Clattenburg (Tyne & Wear)
Stoke v Aston Villa
Stoke: Sorensen, Huth, Abdoulaye Faye, Higginbotham, Collins,
Delap, Whelan, Whitehead, Etherington, Sidibe, Sanli.
Subs: Begovic, Lawrence, Fuller, Kitson, Pugh, Wilkinson, Moult.
Aston Villa: Friedel, Cuellar, Dunne, Collins, Warnock, Downing, Milner, Petrov, Ashley Young, Heskey, Carew.
Subs: Guzan, Luke Young, Sidwell, Agbonlahor, Delfouneso, Delph, Beye.
Referee: Kevin Friend (Leicestershire)
Over in the traditional 12.45 kick off, Tottenham have beaten Blackburn by three goals to one. Roman Pavlyuchenko, that callow youth nurtured to self-assured maturity by Harry 'Man Management' Redknapp, scored two.
2.45pm YouTube: Comedy's Jimmy Bullard being HILARIOUS (well, it might raise an eyebrow).
2.47pm: For those of you interested in this sort of thing, I'll also be providing the odd update from Ireland v Wales in the Six Nations. For those of you who aren't, well, write to your MP or something.
2.50pm: You lot know how to work email? Feel free to prove it. Think of this as like a more shonky version of Soccer Saturday (I know), with the chance for you to play Paul Merson.
2.55pm: Over in the rugger, it's Ireland 0-3 Wales, thanks to a Stephen Jones penalty.
As for today's teams, it's just caught my eye that West Ham have left England's Carlton Cole on the bench and have started with an experimental jazz XI that includes WWII veteran Kieron Dyer, Ilan and the 19-year-old Fabio Daprela. I know it's your old club, Gianfranco, but seriously ...
2.58pm: I got mail! "Chance to play Paul Merson?" honks Aidan Gibson. "Since when has Abou Diaby played for Wigan?" D'oh, he means Mohamed Diame!
"Here's that 2.50pm post again, run through Babel Fish from English to Japanese and then back again:
Is the method where it can use the E-mail which you have known divided? Proving that be moved by freely. Soccer Saturday of chance because of you pole Merson is played (I in order you have known) as in shonky edition, think concerning this.
I'm bored." Very good, Jim Wild.
3pm: SSN has just bashed through with it's "duh-duh, duh-duh-duh" return-from-a-break jingle, and we are all systems go.
... Oh, and it's Ireland 3-3 Wales, with Jonny Sexton pinging over a penalty in response for the Irish.
3.03pm: Everton force an early corner at St Andrew's, while Florent Malouda has already had a sight of the West Ham goal at Stamford Bridge. And here's precocious young Baggies fan Ethan Dean-Richards: "If you really want emails I think you should link to my blog on West Brom, because who doesn't want to read 400 word posts by an 18 year old sitting at home mid-Saturday. It's a no, isn't it?" Au contraire, Ethan, that's pretty much what this clockwatch has been waiting for – someone with a serious approach to writing.
3.07pm: Jonathan Sexton has made it 6-3 to Ireland against Wales in the Six Nations. Everton seem to settled into an early groove at Birmingham.
3.08pm: Wigan have had a penalty appeal turned down against Bolton at the Reebok, where Hugo Rodallega crumpled to the turf without doing enough to convince Mike Dean. Here's the Silver Fox: "Just settling down to watch a dubious stream of Stoke Villa. Don't think its going to be pretty viewing but as a Villa fan I'll take a point. I've gone for a cheeky treble of draws on Burnley, Stoke and Birmingham. Bound not to be now I've invested some hard earned."
3.10pm Keith Earls has burst through two tackles after a quick penalty to make it Ireland 11-3 Wales at Croke Park. Sexton misses the conversion attempt, though.
GOAL! Bolton 1-0 Wigan (Elmander 10) Non-scoring Bolton are one-up against non-scoring Wigan! Johan Elmander, whose name Chris Kamara has just pronounced "El-man-daaar", has bagged for the first time in 12 games after some sloppy Wigan defending. He received the ball with his back to goal, but was given time to turn and slot the ball under Chris Kirkland.
3.14pm: Ilan has missed a glorious chance for West Ham, ballooning his shot over the bar. And Tomas O'Leary has crossed for Ireland, extending their lead over the Welsh to 16-3.
GOAL! Chelsea 1-0 West Ham (Alex 16) The burly Brazilian has scored from a set-piece, I think. That's about all I know about it. Meh ...
3.18pm: Ah, a friendly email: "Hi Alan," says friendly Paul Doyle all the way from St Andrews. "Fifteen minutes gone and the notebook I brought to note points of note is entirely noteless. I thought you'd like to know ..te." If I was drinking tea, I think I would have definitely snorted some of it through my nostrils there. Thanks Paul.
GOAL! Birmingham 0-1 Everton (Anichebe 19) Well, Paul's got something to write in his notebook now! You could hear Merse wailing in the background of the SSN studio ... and it's Victor Anichebe who has scored, following a cross from Gary Neville. I think Merson meant Phil Neville, but hey. Bless him ...
3.22pm: Stephen Jones has slotted another penalty through the posts at Croke Park, making it Ireland 16-6 Wales. And down in the Championship, Reading's remarkable rise under Brian McDermott continues apace, with Gylfi Sigursson scoring his second to make it 2-0 against Bristol City.
3.23pm: More from our St Andrew's correspondent. "I'm now getting full money's worth from my notebook," says Paul Doyle. "Everton stepped up a gear, as they say, after my last mail and Pienaar and Cahill both brought good saves from Hart before Anichebe beat him with a stonking shot into the top corner. That's noteworthy by anyone's standards."
GOAL! Birmingham 0-2 Everton (Yakubu 22) My word, Paul's notebook will be practically aflame with all the scribbling he's now having to do. Ayegbeni Yakubu was the man on the end of a delightful chip from the byline by Steven Pienaar and Birmingham's fortress has been twice breached, so to speak.
GOAL! Burnley 0-1 Wolves (Jarvis 26) Disaster for Brian Laws' Burnley, as Matthew Jarvis goes "turbo-charged" and smashes home the opener for Wolves.
GOAL! Birmingham 1-2 Everton (Jerome 26) Paul Doyle was asking for this, wasn't he? Baiting Brum-Everton with his glib email ... and Cameron Jerome has now knocked in the third goal in seven minutes!
GOAL! Chelsea 1-1 West Ham (Parker 30) What a goal! At Stamford Bridge, Scott Parker has launched an absolute pearler over a helpless Ross Turnbull in the Chelsea goal. It was a half-volley, I think, dipping into the righthand side of the net from about 25 yards out slightly to the left. A cracking strike against his old club, and it came moments after Didier Drogba had flashed one wide at the other end.
3.34pm: Ian Copestake has neatly married the two topics of conversation currently bobbing aimlessly in my inbox: "Playing Paul Merson might have been more fun if we could go back to his days of skill and excess. Doing it now would mean sending in emails that made sense when run through an internet translating service."
3.35pm: Ireland and Wales are back out for the second half at Croke Park, where Wales have the put-in on an early scrum on their 22. The score is still Ireland 16-6 Wales. "Re Jim Wild's translation at 2:58. Douglas Adams would be proud." Chris B namechecks the dearly-departed author of the Hitchhiker's Guide – a book I've sadly never read.
3.38pm: Birmingham have reasserted themselves at St Andrew's but Everton are holding on to their advantage. No word from Mr Doyle as to whether he's run out of space in his new notebook. Here's young tyro blogger Ethan Dean-Richards with some blasphemy. "Delap has once again been Stoke's biggest threat thus far today. If he were English, would you consider taking him to the World Cup? His throw ins cause even the best Premier League teams problems and Beckham (just a free kick taker) is a serious option, why not?" The answer, Ethan, is 'no'. Teenagers, eh?
3.40pm: Paulo Ferreira has just headed tamely into the arms of Robert Green at the Bridge, where, I notice, John Terry's mohawk is looking less like a cockerel's inflamed (easy) crest today. Florent Malouda is providing much of the menace for the Blues.
3.43pm: Soapbox for Niall Harden, please: "The book [HHGTTG] is trousers - it came after the (far-superior) radio series, which was a bloody masterpiece. I pretty much know all five serieses off by heart. Don't get me started on the film ..." Don't get him started, people. You hear?
3.44pm: I don't know if he's at the ground, but Myles Nester has provided this pretty good take on the action down at the Bridge: "Zola's experimental jazz 11 are delightfully unpredictable going forward and terrifyingly unpredictable defensively. They've scared Chelsea a couple of times, who don't seem to really understand Zola's fluid front 10 but West Ham have conceded endless crosses and the Chelsea goal was weak." Far too coherent to be Merson-esque, though, Myles.
3.45pm: David Nugent has volleyed against the bar (via the ground) at Turf Moor. One can't help thinking both up and down are the wrong directions if you're trying to put through the net. Scott Parker, who looks like he's continuing his storming World-Cup-call-up?-Maybe form for West Ham, breaks up an attack by effortlessly dispossessing Drogba some 30 yards out.
3.47pm: Jussi Jaaskelainen has pulled off a brilliant save to deny Charles N'Zogbia (so says Chris Kamara); and Jonny Sexton has made it Ireland 19-6 Wales with another penalty. Yes, that's in the rugby.
3.50pm: Various half-time scores coming in, now, which gives me the opportunity to further plug the rugby. England are taking on Scotland for the Calcutta Cup in the Six Nations, and Scott Murray will be watching. He may also write something about it too. Oh, and Stephen Jones has made it 19-9 at Croke Park.
Premier League half-time scores
Birmingham 1-2 Everton
Bolton Wanderers 1-0 Wigan Athletic
Burnley 0-1 Wolverhampton Wanderers
Chelsea 1-1 West Ham United
Stoke City 0-0 Aston Villa
Some emails, randomly selected: "I notice that the young up-and-coming blogger has the surname of a Premier League player," writes the idiosyncratically named Ottis Gadid. "Are there any other instances of this? Or perhaps a treble, like Bryan Dean-Windass or some such?"
Ethan not-former-Tottenham-defender Dean-Richards: "You can champion Parker all you like, it's Delap, the Irishman, for England! Delap, the Irishman, for England! Delap, the Irishman, for England!" E-numbers are lethal things ...
"I've always wondered why top teams rarely have a long throw specialist, Delap, and Challinor before him, change the way other teams defend by making throw ins a genuine threat. If it creates goals why aren't Chelsea or Man U training one of their players to develop it?" Myles Nester wants to see a monster created.
And here's Ian Copestake with a pat on the back for Merse. "In fairness to Merson he probably did mean Gary Neville because he remembers playing against him. Every Saturday for him is like reliving 1994." You seen those adverts about dementia sufferers? Yeah, me too.
4pm: Keith 'Keet' Earls has scored his second try of the match to make it 24-9 to the bottle greens ... and Stephen Jones then pokes over another three-pointer, meaning it is now Ireland 24-12 Wales. Like rugby? Why not go and tell Scott Murray?
4.03pm: So, we were saying (well, I was) that Stoke-Villa might not be the raging goalfest that everyone hoped for ... "Its been really hard work watching that first half," writes the Silver Fox. "Early Stoke pressure with lots of Delap throw-ins. Heskey comes back to play as an auxillary defender and has done better in our box than Stoke's.
"Couple of half chances either end but I think the stat of one shot on target from both teams all half tells you all you need to know. Ashley Young appeared to get a knock just before half time so hopefully he'll bring Agbonlahor on to replace him. At least you've got goals in the other games to entertain you ..." Yellow cards can be fun too, though. Aston Villa have picked up three, which is the best in the league at the halfway mark!
4.06pm: PENALTY to Bolton Gary Caldwell fouls Tamir Cohen at the Reebok Stadium and Kevin Davies has the chance to make it ...
GOAL! Bolton 2-0 Wigan (Davies 48) The Bolton striker steps up and makes no mistake from 12 yards. Manager Owen Coyle is likely grinning that wee Scottish grin of his.
GOAL! Burnley 0-2 Wolves (Carlisle og 47) Burnley's relegation conundrum has just got that bit harder, after brainbox defender Clarke Carlisle turns in Adlene Guedioura's cross. Mick McCarthy won't be smiling, though, because he doesn't do that sort of thing. He's from Yorkshire.
GOAL! Birmingham 2-2 Everton (Gardner 52) No, it's not me! It's Craig Gardner who has hammered in his first goal in a Brum shirt, as the home side complete their comeback from two down ...
GOAL! Bolton 3-0 Wigan (Muamba 53) Wellity well, the old onion bag is bulging once again, as Tommy Smyth might say. Chung-yong Lee fed Fabrice Muamba and he ghosted past Gary Caldwell before Sepp Blattering the ball past Kirkland!
GOAL! Chelsea 2-1 West Ham (Drogba 56) Florent Malouda marauds his way into the box from the left before curling a delightful cross to the far post where Didier does the rest, heading home from a couple of yards out.
4.18pm: Rob Green then pulls off a smart save from Alex's header, which will no doubt have impressed the watching Fabio Capello. In the rugger, Jonny Sexton has popped over a drop-goal to make it 27-12 to Ireland against Wales.
4.20pm: "Do we have any indication of the abuse levels from West Ham fans towards Lampard, so beloved are they of any one who leaves to better themselves?" asks Ian Copestake. As I turn to glance at my feed from Stamford Bridge, attempting to discern bile and vitriol emanating from the travelling support, the screen freezes, making Nicolas Anelka look like he's jogging backwards on the spot. I don't know, Ian, but West Ham fans are generally a grown-up bunch about these things, right?
4.23pm: Ireland have bested Wales in the Six Nations, 27-12 the final score at Croke Park. If you fancy following England's messy and undignified defeat to Scotland at Murrayfield later this afternoon, then Scott Murray's your man.
4.25pm: Leighton Baines clears from in front of Liam Ridgewell to keep Everton and Birmingham all square at St Andrew's. And, speaking of former Hammers, Joe Cole has come on to replace Nicolas Anelka at Stamford Bridge.
4.26pm: Burnley have just hit the post at Turf Moor, where Ronald Zubar "struggled to get his tackle in" according to Phil Thompson. "Being [check] similarily named to an average [out] footballer was obviously a tactic on [the blog] my parents part to help me gain success in football writing, well done anyone who noticed," says Ethan Dean-Richards. "Yes, I have been drinking cans of Lucozade through a straw." There were three links in that email, but I can't be bothered to reinsert them. Just go down to 3.03pm if you're interested ...
4.28pm: In other, non-football, non-rugby news, we've won some gold biscuits at the world indoor championships, thanks to Jessica Ennis and Dwayne Chambers. "Fantastic to hear about Ennis's pentathalon gold in Doha," opines Ian Copestake. "Not sure what to make of Chambers' win though."
GOAL! Bolton 4-0 Wigan (Taylor 69) Nightmare defending from Caldwell again, as he fails to clear the ball as it lands at his feet in the area, instead handing possession back to Matthew Taylor who accepts the gift with alacrity and makes it 4-0. Oh, Wigan. From beating Liverpool to being hammered by Bolton inside a week.
GOAL! Burnley 1-2 Wolves (Thompson 73) A lifeline for Burnley? Graham Alexander whupped the ball into the ground and the substitute Steven Thompson makes sure that it finds its way into the net. Burnley, who have lost eight from 10 under Brian Laws, really need something here.
4.35pm: "Just what exactly does 'ghosted' mean ... other than 'went'? Can I say that I have just ghosted past the telly, for example?" Yes, Edward Taylor, you may, if, in fact, you materialised the other side of the telly, leaving little more than a faint hint of ectoplasm. If not, you just 'went'.
GOAL! Chelsea 3-1 West Ham (Malouda 77) West Ham's hopes of stymieing Chelsea's title challenge, thus boosting their own chances of survival, look to have swirled down the crapper, with Florent Malouda, the game's standout performer opening up a two-goal advantage for the home side.
4.40pm: Shane Warne is plugging advanced hair studio in the SSN ad break. What is it about cricketers and being follicularly challenged? "Defending seems at its lowest ebb in my time," emails Johnny-come-lately Gary Naylor. "Are there any good ones this season? Phil Jagielka's stock has risen just by being injured." Ummm, the Villa backline? They're still holding out against Stoke and Rory Delap.
4.43pm: Brian Jensen is called into finger-tip action at Turf Moor as Wolves look to make safe the three points. Malouda then hits the post at Stamford Bridge! And to think the Frenchman couldn't buy an appearance a couple of months back.
4.45pm: Are there going to be any late shocks today? It's still in the balance at the Britannia, where James Milner has just curled a free-kick up and over the wall but the wrong side of the post. Everton are holding Birmingham at St Andrew's, meanwhile. Time to throw on Kevin Phillips, eh, Big Eck?
4.46pm: "By not being bothered to reinsert those links you have demonstrated why you will never be like Rob Smyth," chirps Ian Copestake. "You must be very, very relieved." Sadly not as relieved as you might think ...
GOAL! Chelsea 4-1 West Ham (Drogba 90) Didier Drogba moves just a little closer to Wayne Rooney on the PFA player of the year totaliser, banging in his 21st Premier League goal of the season, and second of the afternoon, to draw a line under things at Stamford Bridge.
4.51pm: "Totally agree with you about Villa's defensive line. Been a magnificent display of hard, fair defending. Countless last ditch blocks and tackles, three out of the four on yellow cards, 100% commitment. That's true for most of the season as well." Me and the Silver Fox are mentally as one.
4.52pm: Full time at Stamford Bridge, where it has finished Chelsea 4-1 West Ham, the Blues cruising back to the top of the table.
4.54pm: Other final scores to confirm: Bolton 4-0 Wigan at the Reebok; Birmingham 2-2 Everton and Stoke 0-0 Aston Villa. Burnley still striving for an equaliser against Wolves ... though they're striving in their own 18-yard box at the minute.
4.55pm: "No smile from Mick McCarthey," says Jeff Stelling, but Wolves have hung on to win 2-1 against Burnley. What did I tell you? And, incredibly, down in League Two, Cheltenham have just gone 6-5 up away to Burton!
4.59pm: Around the leagues, Championship leaders Newcastle have been held to a 2-2 draw by Middlesbrough in the Tyne-Tees derby. West Brom won by the odd goal in five against Blackpool but Forest lost out by the same score against Preston. At the top of League One, Norwich won as Leeds, Charlton and Colchester all slipped to defeats ... and in League Two, Rochdale have extended their lead to nine points over Bournemouth with a 1-0 at Shrewsbury.
5.02pm: So, that's about enough from me; for all today's results, click here, and if you fancy a gander at the latest league tables, this one's your man. There were plenty of goals this afternoon, and one rugby score ... though that was in the Six Nations. And on that note, why not go and join Scott Murray for Scotland v England? Or if you're happy with football as your lifestyle choice, then Hull v Arsenal might tickle your proverbial. Take your pick.
Thanks for all your emails, sorry for not using them all. Cheerio
Premier League results
Birmingham City 2-2 Everton
Bolton Wanderers 4-0 Wigan Athletic
Burnley 1-2 Wolverhampton Wanderers
Chelsea 4-1 West Ham United
Stoke City 0-0 Aston Villa
