The oldest truism in rugby is that forwards win matches and backs decide by how much. Not this time, mate, not this time. England may still be the kings of claustrophobia but their dominant scrum could not save them from a chastening defeat which guarantees the Cook Cup will be staying down under. A grim sequel to the 1998 Tour from Hell? Not yet – but Martin Johnson's England are fast slipping into nightmare territory.
Only those who measure quality by the size of a man's cauliflower ears will claim England enhanced their reputations. The Wallabies' youthful front row were duly squashed to a pulp but all the zest came from the home side. Is this really what English rugby has come to: trying to keep the margin down against scrummagers who would struggle to hack it in a reserve-grade side back home? On the depressing evidence of this tour so far it looks ominously like it.
With their first-choice front row in place, Australia would surely have won by a country mile. Injuries gave England a golden chance to mask the gulf in backline sharpness but it would have been a travesty had they done so. The old taunt in these parts used to be "Is that all you've got?" It was a sneering reference to the perceived overreliance on Jonny Wilkinson's boot. But the jibe now needs updating. For the first 30 minutes, Johnson's England were effectively a front row with a dozen other blokes making up the numbers.
It is impossible, too, to ignore the stark fact that Brian Ashton was ousted as England's head coach after steering the national team to a World Cup final and presiding over 12 wins and 10 defeats in 22 games. Johnson has also been in charge for 22 games, if you include the two Tests in New Zealand in 2008 when he picked the squad but did not travel. His record reads as follows: W8 D1 L13.
If a marked improvement is not forthcoming in Sydney this coming Saturday, the big man's formidable reputation as a player will grow ever more irrelevant. The first half, in particular, was as slapdash as England have been in the Johnsonian era. The missed-tackle count entering the second quarter was Australia 1 England 22. Their kick chase was ordinary, their lack of zip painful to behold. The Wallabies, even with a nonexistent scrum platform, could easily have had four tries on the board by the interval rather than two. After the half-time hooter had gone there was a telling snapshot when Toby Flood deliberately kicked a half-decent turnover ball straight out before making a beeline for the tunnel. England's confidence was visibly in bits.
Some of the Wallaby handling and support running, admittedly, was of the highest class. Quade Cooper has a gunslinger's eyes and the hands of an angel and his accomplices are equally quick on the draw. Drew Mitchell's sharp 40-metre return of Danny Care's kick set in motion a stirring attack which ended with the same player freeing Rocky Elsom down the right touchline. Luke Burgess's twisting offload to Cooper after half an hour was equally deft. When Will Genia and Matt Giteau are back at full fitness, the wizards of Oz will be materialising from all angles.
The resultant half-time deficit of 14-0 seemed to defy the laws of physics. No team should be able to score points with their heads so far up their own backsides. Ben Daley put himself about in open play but he will not forget Dan Cole any time soon. A total of nine scrum penalties and two free-kicks came England's way, although the referee, Nigel Owens, did not reach for his yellow card until 12 minutes from time. He had no hesitation, though, in awarding two penalty tries, such rare truffles at this level that there is no precedent in a game between two major nations.
With 10 minutes to go England found themselves just four points behind with a man advantage. The fact they never looked capable of making it count, spilling ball in contact and taking suspect options, merely compounded what had gone before.
It was not quite a total shambles; Mike Tindall was brave and committed and Ben Foden and Chris Ashton showed up pretty well. Ashton's fine cover tackle on Mitchell was among the main reasons why England did not turn around further behind. Ben Youngs also did enough to merit a starting berth in Sydney.
But Shontayne Hape's debut was far from a conspicuous triumph and Nick Easter looked worryingly sluggish. Johnson and Lewis Moody both insisted beforehand this was the strongest England squad to head south in ages. For the second successive game on this tour it did not look like it.
And therein lies the real issue. It is all starting to feel eerily reminiscent of Wolf Creek, a particularly nasty Aussie-based horror flick which starts with an innocent outback road trip and then goes sadistically downhill. Conditions were perfect – even the Fremantle doctor is on a winter sabbatical – yet England do not seem to be responding to their coaches' promptings.
"It's a case of getting across to some people that the magic is not in the tactics or the strategy but the execution of it," warned Johnson on the eve of the game. But what about inspiration? What about broadening minds as well as focusing them?
Breeding yummy scrummies is simply not enough.
