You'll not be getting any sense from the papers today: England are on. So we'll be ignoring all the hot air. You're better than that.

OK, this won't take long.

Manchester City are preparing to help their neighbours United by tipping £20m down that big black hole at Old Trafford and making off with moaning Nemanja Vidic, who has a right face on him these days.

If Sir Alex Ferguson can grab a few of the notes, Crystal Maze endgame style, before they go down the swannee, Manchester United will spend half of the money on a replacement in highly rated Danish defender Simon Kjaer, the Morten Olsen de nos jours.

West Ham have offered Everton £6m for Yakubu. David Moyes wants closer to the £11.25m he gifted Middlesbrough for the striker, a stance in no way solely designed to save what little face he can. £11.25m, though.

Birmingham want Reading's Shane Long. Reading don't want to sell.

Indian businessman Saurin Shah wants to buy Blackburn Rovers.

And if there's ever been a sign that we all should pack in those lame decade-old US-and-etymologist-baiting Soccerball gags – note to funnymen: the word "soccer" was coined at a British university in the 19th century – it's on the front of the Sun: HERE'S HOPIN' THAT ENGLAND UNITED SHOOT SOME TOTALLY AWESOME STRIKES PAST THE GOALTENDER IN THE SOCCERBALL WORLD SERIES TODAY. Imagine how pleased the sub who wrote that zinger will have been with himself – and think on.