1 min Hello and welcome to exclusively typed, live-blog coverage of the England rugby squad's daily World Cup meeting in the luxurious Larsen-Snedden Business Centre at the majestic Hotel Conchord, New Zealand's fourth most splendid hotel/conference complex.
2 min It has been an unusually turbulent 24 hours for England's players, even by the standards of what is an unusually turbulent, slow-burn, listless, embattled,fatally undermined, terminally self-torpedoing, shakily hurled together, disastrously inharmonious, macrocosmically doomed World Cup campaign. Or at least that's what it looks like so far, a mere six days in. No doubt everything will be fine from here and England will go on to win the World Cup with a scintillating exhibition of sustained running rugby so thrilling they're gripped by the urge to hurl themselves into Auckland harbour in celebration on the way home. Something along those lines anyway.
4 min The stage is set here for decisive clear‑the‑air talks after yesterday's newspaper revelations of drunken antics at a "Mad Midget Weekender" night at the Altitude bar in Queenstown. This is a key moment for Martin Johnson's leadership. No doubt he will deal with it decisively, authoritatively and without trying to pass it off as "normal" behaviour at a World Cup. So that's probably all right then.
5 min Today's meeting agenda is just in: 1 Talk about trust and honesty in a sombre voice for ages. Frown. Weep. Promise to be good. 2 Organise pre‑match team bungee jump! 3 Johnno to chair discussion of inter‑dwarf drunken rugby manoeuvres night out, with specific reference to Mike Tindall having his huge bald pate fondled by a non-royal woman. 4 Talk about actual rugby tactics for a bit (NB may be bumped if items 1-3 overrun).
7 min The players are now taking their seats in the main conference room with its majestic ranks of lumbar-support office swivel chairs and its high-spec, laminate-chipboard desking system. All eyes will be on Tindall, who looks fit, focused and as of this moment completely unencumbered by dwarves or pate-fondling mystery blondes. This really could be a defining moment for the ageing midfield slow-coach as he looks to terminally jigger both England's World Cup hopes and his own chances of escaping the guest-wing bedchamber for the next two years.
8 min An email just in from Clive in Holland Park. "Once again from a holistically focused success-oriented win perspective the matrix of this England team's goal-achievement variables is frankly …" I'm going to have to cut in there, Clive. The teams are in.
England: Ashton, Cueto, Armitage, a man who was lucky to get in, Tuilagi, Flood, a hungover man who was lucky to get in, the ghost of Jonny Wilkinson, Dan Cole, some other people, a fat man, a man who isn't up to it, a hungover, jaded, money-oriented man, an ageing cynical drunk, a youthful cynical drunk, Lewis Moody (c). England staff: Martin Johnson, Martin Johnson's huge distended disapproving forehead ripple (c), some other blokes who are clearly hopeless, Graham Rowntree, the ones who switched the balls, team fitness coach, team masseuse, team ego masseuse, Mike Tindall's huge bald pate masseuse, some other blokes.
10 min And they're away with the majority of the squad immediately engaged in a game of Debag The Fat Man And Make Him Drink Furniture Polish on the conference room floor. It is, needless to say, all good clean fun and just a bunch of lads letting off steam.
12 min Johnson has arrived in the room. Truly a massive presence. A massive, massive presence. Just sort of looming in the doorway. Squad now engaged in mass game of strip Up Jenkins while Rowntree vaguely tries to interest someone in a discussion of elite‑level scrummaging tactics.
23 min Team meeting starts. Johnson is up first: "It's time to talk about trust. And honesty. Trust and honesty. And pride. Trust, honesty and pride." Long pause while everyone frowns and looks sad.
27 min "Moving on to the late-night, dwarf-based antics situation. I don't need to remind anyone in this room that top‑level rugby – top, top level – is all about being able to look yourself in the mirror in the morning without seeing a half-man with empty eyes. Tindall, I'm talking to you, put the fax machine down."
29 min Johnson, forehead fully extended, tie removed, nostrils flexing, is in full flight now. "Looking at the images in this morning's papers, I'm struck by two things: firstly, there's no way any of you have bound tight enough here on the dwarf in the cowboy suit. Secondly, when you're in a rolling dwarf‑based maul across a cocktail-drenched dance floor I need to see more bodies in at the breakdown keeping the dwarf defence honest, I need to see supporting players clearing dwarf bodies out, I need to see more desire."
31 min A huge statement of intent from Johnson there. Mainly a statement of his intent to not really do anything about all this but instead make withering remarks to journalists and stand around scowling like Tindall's angry dad.
33 min Johnson is back on his feet. "Moving on to last week's cards-on-the-table, clear-the-air meeting. In my opinion, guts-spilling, tell-it-like‑it‑is levels have so far been unsatisfactory. With this in mind I am now proposing a secondary round of speak-from-the-guts meetings where we critique each other's performance in the previous speak-from‑the‑guts meeting and really let each other know – speaking from the guts – what we think of each other's speaking from the guts."
35 min This seems to have gone down very well with the players. Another crushing victory there for the England's frown and shrug-based management team, who will be back in this very room next week having another clear‑the‑air meeting ahead of finally clearing the air perhaps some time in 2017 on current projections.
40 min And that's all from me for now. It's been a wonderful 40 minutes of world‑class northern hemisphere meeting. The players are filing off in desultory fashion, while Johnson sits slumped beneath his brooding brow pondering the frailty of man. Join us again for plenty more of the same soon.
