It is to the regret of the authors of this report that it is published later than the reviews commissioned by the Rugby Football Union into the performance by England at the 2011 Rugby World Cup. This was originally intended as a complement to those works, with an eye to the future, rather than to the recent past. Having expressed this regret, it is to their relief that this offering did not fall into the basket of work so disgracefully delivered to the Times.
They acknowledge with sadness, nonetheless, that its tardy delivery will not prevent it from being forwarded by hand or hands unknown into the voracious clutches of the media. The vessel is holed and is leaking. Traducer, know thy shame. The aim here is to propose names for the posts, flesh on the bones of reconstruction: the chief executive officer; the interim coach and his assistants; the long-term coach; the team manager; the England team.
THE CEO
It is the unanimous opinion of the authors that the next chief executive officer of the Rugby Football Union shall be a woman. Having conducted probing analysis of the male contribution to rugby's governance, it is their conclusion that English men over 40 think clearly only when panting. The over-mature hunter-gatherer needs to feel the pang of hunger and the perspiration of pursuit before he functions effectively.
Allow him to settle into an office-bound, sedentary lifestyle and he falls prey to indolence and inefficiency, where the only activity likely to stir him is the protection of his ticket allocation. English men need to be aerobically challenged, leaving English women to organise and lead. Attention to detail is their watchword. England are not called rugby's mother country for nothing.
And who might this Boudicca be? Tempted by the need to stamp out treachery, there was initial interest in Baroness Eliza Manningham-Buller and Dame Stella Rimington, presuming them to be two separate people (with heads of the intelligence service it is not always easy to tell).
Regrettably, she/both is/are what may euphemistically be called on the port side of her/their three score years and 10, and, although this does not necessarily increase the age profile at Twickenham, we feel it does not offer long-term security. Plus, to fail any security test might attract more unfortunately ironic headlines.
Instead, we propose a head-hunting party beat a path, as part of the reprogramming of masculine middle management (congratulations, by the way, to Rob Andrew on his redeployment there), to the door of Dame Barbara Stocking, currently chief executive of Oxfam GB and, perhaps more pertinently, vice chair of the Steering Committee for Humanitarian Response. All roads, England may consider, are leading her from Afghanistan, Iraq and Sudan to Twickenham.
What does she know about Rugby? She was born there, 60 years ago. (Note from the RFU Council: Come on, what does she really know?) Answer: does it matter? What did Francis Baron ever know about the umbrella defence?
THE INTERIM COACH
Stuart Lancaster, by dint of not travelling to New Zealand, should be elevated from his position of coach of the England Saxons to temporary generalissimo of the England team. Graham Rowntree, unique in the annals as a "review survivor", should join him as forward coach. Mike Catt, formerly of the England team and currently head of invention at London Irish, should become head of passing.
And Mike Ford should be retrained (note from the RFU Council: retained, surely?) as head of tackling. It struck the authors that his good name was sullied for nothing more sinful than his repetition of the phrase: "Every time."
Perhaps any of rugby's oft-used exclamations – "Well done," for example – may grate with overuse, although – obviously – that particular pair of words was seldom heard in Dunedin.
THE NEW HEAD COACH
The signature of Nick Mallett must be committed to paper as soon as possible. And his team of coaches – many in number, no doubt – must be signed up with the speed of Prince Obolensky. Otherwise, the RFU run the risk of engaging in a game of dare, and, on current form, would not be favourites to emerge in credit.
There is a problem, however. Should Messrs Lancaster, Rowntree, Catt and Ford pull the rugby rabbit out of the hat, the situation would arise whereby the RFU would have to sack the architects of their renaissance. It is the opinion of the authors that the RFU should advance with alacrity in all areas, bar the final selection of he who will be coach. We foresee no problem here, procrastination being an area of expertise to be retained, like Mike Ford.
THE TEAM MANAGER
This is somebody the players must trust. Whom the coach must trust. Who doesn't run a mile at the thought of a press conference. And who genuinely loves all things England. We propose Jason Leonard and suggest he has an assistant (a woman) to sort out the details and remind him that he can't go out with the lads, except to order them home.
THE TEAM
Nearly half the squad will be too old for the next World Cup. They can go now. Thank you, anyone who will be over 32 in 2015. The emphasis should be on skills under pressure (embrace, not avoidance, of). Send for Charlie Sharples, make Tom Wood captain (although the Northampton flanker was sent off at Leicester on Saturday), try Jordan Turner-Hall or Billy Twelvetrees at 12, George Lowe at 13. And ask Dame Stella to advise on a behind-enemy-lines mission to bring back Ben Morgan, product of Dursley Youth, from those Scarlet pirates in Wales.
Here is a possible starting XV of the new age: Ben Foden; Charlie Sharples, Manu Tuilagi, Jordan Turner-Hall, Delon Armitage; Toby Flood, Joe Simpson; Alex Corbisiero, Dylan Hartley, Dan Cole, George Robson, Dave Attwood, Chris Robshaw, Tom Wood, Ben Morgan.
SUMMARY
The past three months have been arduous for England. It is time, in the parlance of the infernal modern world, to man up. And, indeed, to woman up.
