Hey! The Mill wants your honest opinion about something. Have I ever been less than forthright? No, you haven't. Well, maybe you have. What does the Mill know? Yeah, I probably have. Yeah, of course I have. What am I talking about? OK, tell me what you think about this idea: E̶x̶t̶e̶n̶d̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶d̶o̶o̶r̶s̶ ̶o̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶t̶o̶i̶l̶e̶t̶ ̶s̶t̶a̶l̶l̶s̶ ̶a̶t̶ ̶Y̶a̶n̶k̶e̶e̶ ̶S̶t̶a̶d̶i̶u̶m̶ ̶a̶l̶l̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶w̶a̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶f̶l̶o̶o̶r Angel di María moving to Manchester United. Angel di María moving to Manchester United ... Angel di María joins Manchester United. Hides their midfield problems. Yes. I like it. I like it a lot. It's good, right? I think it's fantastic. I think it's a fantastic idea. Well, so too does David Moyes.
Having done his best to woo Ander Herrera with flowers, a pleasant meal at a reasonably-priced restaurant and the promise of eternal love only for Herrera to say that he's not that type of guy, the Manchester United bigwig has been forced to flutter his eyelashes, and bags of cash, elsewhere. And the Real Madrid wing wizard is just the type of player who gets his beat box all the way up to rumba. "Rumba! Rumba! Stick that up your jumper!" is what Moyes will chant to those haters – who reckon he knows as much about the transfer market as the Mill does about theoretical maths – when the flashbulbs go bang, Di María bangs his signature on the dotted line and all of Manchester United's midfield problems disappear in a bang.
Later on, sitting in the changing room wondering why in the name of Maradona he joined a club that have to go to Hull on a Monday night, Di María will think back about the good old times in La Liga. Decent football, warm weather, playing alongside Gareth Bale. Sigh, those were the days. But he won't have to reminisce alone, as the former Atlético Madrid midfielder Koke will be sitting right next to him musing something similar.
Elsewhere, André Villas-Boas might not be the only one around White Hart Lane who will be taking down photos from the walls and packing up his trouser press, pens and personalised letter opener some time soon, given the news that Jermain Defoe has turned down moves to West Ham, Hull and Sunderland and instead is doing one to soccerball specialists FC Toronto. Defoe will explain the move by saying that he is excited by the project and that he is a massive fan of maple syrup, bacon and finishing every single sentence with an upward inflection and the word eh even when there is no need for an upward inflection and the word eh. It has nothing to do with the £90,000 cheque that will land in his Bank of Nova Scotia Money Master savings account every Friday. Nothing at all! Nothing at all!
Over in Newcastle, Yohan Cabaye has locked himself away in his lonely tower and is spending his days in not so splendid isolation, staring out of the window dreaming of the day Prince Charming will come to rescue him on a big white horse and carry him off to a beautiful sunset and a chance to play in the Big Cup. "I miss the Champions League. I'll finish this season with Newcastle and concentrate on the coming months and then we'll see," he was mistranslated, leaving Arsène Wenger and Brendan Rodgers ready to don their stechzeugs, sharpen their lances and fight to the death for his love. Cabaye will miss the north like the sun misses the flower. Like the sun misses the flower in the depths of winter. But go he must if his European dreams are to come true.
Finally, fans of Manchester City, start buying your tissues in bulk, call up the person you know who offers the best hugs and prepare for your eyes and cheeks to be permanently tinted a shade of red brighter than Dave Kitson's hair, for the Mill has some bad news for you, very bad news, very, very bad news. Are you ready? Are you sure? Do you think that you can take this? Are you strong enough to handle this? Are you sitting down? This will be upsetting, so please stop the Mill at any time. Ready? Right. Javi García is leaving. He is off to Napoli. Totes devo, right?
