The Mill wasn't like every other kid, you know, who dreams about being an astronaut. The Mill was always more interested in what bark was made out of on a tree. Colin Firth's a real hero. Gary Lightbody would be another person who's a hero. The music he's created over the years – the Mill doesn't really listen to it – but the fact that he's making it, the Mill respects that. The Mill cares desperately about what it does. Does it know what product its selling? No. Does it know what its doing today? No. But it's here and it's gonna give its best shot. Now just help the Mill out of these oversized angel wings and it'll tell you all about today's transfer tittle and that time on Mount Vesuvius.
First up is Chelsea's Eden Hazard. Or is that soon to be Paris Saint-Germain's Eden Hazard? PSG's great exponents of the Fifa fair play rules are ready to break several piggy banks, search behind several settees and dress up real nice ("clothes may be practical but it is inexcusable for them to be dull. A well-cut top coat in raspberry red will keep you just as warm and twice as chipper as one of poor-house brown" is a rule that PSG dress and die by) in order to attract the Belgian's attentions.
Hazard is no fool, however. He knows that this is a team that has the talents of Edinson Cavani, Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Ezequiel Lavezzi and a truckload of other midfield and attacking players that the Mill has neither the patience nor the inclination to copy and paste from Wikipedia. And he knows that should he go there, he runs the risk of spending more time visiting locations from his favourite French movies rather than plying his favourite trade. Thus he has said non for now. "I'm flattered to read that PSG are interested in me," he cooed, "but that doesn't worry me. I am certain of what I have in mind, where I'm going. No one will change my mind." We'll see just how certain he still feels when Mr 15% and a skip load of cash arrive at his doorstep.
Elsewhere, Arsène Wenger, still seething from his side's spanking by Liverpool as well as the thought of the money that he could have saved if he had not bought miserable's Mesut Özil and instead plumped for some unknown, teenage midfielder who will never be as good as the Arsenal fans who have never even heard of him would have you believe, has decided that what his side desperately need is an unknown, teenage midfielder who will never be as good as the Arsenal fans who have never even heard of him would have you believe.
Today's version of this rumour comes in the shape of Wolfsburg's Maximilian Arnold. But Wenger is not the only one sniffing around the "highly promising" attacking midfielder and the Arsenal manager will need a very large stick to beat back Juventus and the rest of the clubs chasing the youngster's signature.
When is David Moyes going to get a break, huh? He is out there fashioning Manchester United in a bunch of record-breakers and what praise is he getting for it? Exactly. You never saw Sir Alex Ferguson or José Mourinho get their side to make more crosses in a single game than any other Premier League side since the beginning of 2006-07, did you? And yet poor Moyes gets hammered for it while the media lap up the other two like a can of Irn-Bru.
That lack of love might help explain why the Manchester United manager was in such foul humour on Tuesday or maybe he had just got wind that Arturo Vidal is set to sign a £200,000-a-week deal with the Serie A leaders and current Italian champions, Juventus, rather than move to a side that are seventh in the league, 16 points behind the leaders and cannot even beat Fulham. How odd. The Mill was sure that he would leave for Manchester.
Finally, it seems that Jermain Defoe is not the only one who is going to be hoisted upon shoulders and tearfully waved goodbye to on the White Hart pitch in the not so distant future. The Tottenham top-ish dog, Tim Sherwood, has warned the fans that should the club fail to make it to the promised land of the Champions League next season and face the public shame of playing in the Europa League, then there will be a mass exodus of stars not unlike rats from a sinking ship.
And so expect to see Hugo Lloris looking at fancy jewellery and rolling dice in the south of France as he gets excited about "the project" in Monaco, while, if you are lucky enough, you will be able to spot Jan Vertonghen rambling down Barcelona's La Rambla on his way to enjoying an ocean-front ice cream. Or maybe just like the Mill's trip to Mount Vesuvius, none of this will ever take place.
