We open today with that rare thing, a rumour about Real Madrid that doesn’t involve the phrases ‘Luis Suárez’ and ‘£100m’. This one concerns Chelsea, who have set aside a couple of days to roll around in the ludicrous amount of money Paris Saint-Germain have given them for David Luiz, before pulling themselves together, gathering it up, and handing it all over for Raphaël Varane. Real will then take the proceeds and make a £100m bid for LuiGODDAMN IT.
Not happy with making off with Luiz, PSG also want to swipe keeper Hugo Lloris from under Tottenham’s noses while the north Londoners are busy trying to prise the André Villas-Boas de nos jours, Maurico Pochettino, away from Southampton.
Everton are desperate to sign Gareth Barry on a permanent deal. Arsenal and West Ham United have other ideas. Or the same idea, whichever way you look at it.
The Rumour Mill wishes Derby County had won the Championship play-off final. Nothing against Queens Park Rangers, it’s just that Harry Redknapp is going to take up permanent residence in this column for the entire summer, isn’t he, and we don’t get paid extra, you know. A full-time contract for Ravel Morrison is on the cards today, hot on the heels of bids for Rio Ferdinand, Frank Lampard, Joe Cole, Tony Gale, Trevor Brooking, Frank Lampard Sr and Brian ‘Pop’ Robson.
The incoming Manchester United manager Louis van Gaal is the sort of man who could start an argument in an empty room. But just to make sure, he’s going to fill Old Trafford with some Dutch players, so they can all scream the place down together while discussing tactics, existential philosophy, the relationship between baroque architecture and the development of the role of the attacking wing-back, or whatever it is people from the Netherlands actually do as opposed to what hipsters think they get up to. Feyenoord’s captain Jordy Clasie and defender Bruno Martins Indi will be the first pair involved in the inevitable intellectual donnybrook that reduces half of the Stretford End to rubble.
Van Gaal is also thinking about bringing back Anderson from Fiorentina.
!
Liverpool’s manager Brendan Rodgers will have no doubt been thinking about the lads from Crystal Palace once or twice during the last three weeks or so. That may or may not explain why he’s about to make a bid for winger Yannick Bolasie, who ran about the Selhurst Park pitch on that fateful evening, and has been chasing a bare-footed Rodgers over fields of broken glass in his dreams ever since.
Newcastle United really need to do something. Anything. The signings of Manchester United winger Wilfried Zaha, free-agent midfielders Steve Sidwell and Jack Colback, and young Tenerife striker Ayoze at least show some ambition, if not a whole load of joined-up thinking.
And finally some more hot keeper chat: Sunderland are after Palace’s Julian Speroni, Liverpool are still pestering Swansea for Michel Vorm, and Arsenal and Tottenham will do battle for the signature of Cardiff’s David Marshall. That’s your lot! Bye, bye!
