Let's be brutally honest here. New Zealand won't be that poor, miss that many tackles, make as many handling errors, again on this tour. It's a real shame for England, who were hamstrung by having this match only a week after the Premiership final somewhat; perhaps more experienced players might have won this. Nonetheless, it was a hugely gutsy performance that these players, most of whom wouldn't even make the bench normally, can be proud of. Guts won't win you the game though, sadly.

Right that's me done for this morning. Join me next weekend for round two.

80 min Pennell and Dickson are on for Brown and Youngs. Aaron Smith puts a kick out on the full and England have a lineout 40m out on the right...

77 min 5m scrum to the ABs then, and they've got loads of space with Yarde in the bin.

Short it is. New Zealand scrum, 5m out.

"Give a little credit dan," writes Richard Hilliard. "This is a massive performance given the players available. Nobody has won here in 20 years!!! They've exceeded expectations massively and contained the all blacks we'll." Yep, it's been outstanding.

76 min Oh with England retreating for the kick, Cruden takes it quickly! He runs up to the 22 and Fekitoa carries it up the right. ABs metres out and Crockett goes for the line. We go to the TMO but he's short I'll wager.

75 min Trouble now as Brown is wrapped up in isolation on his own 10m line. Great work from the England forwards though as England recycle it, then Robshaw makes a half break. This really isn't the place for England to be going through the phases... and Marler is penalised for holding on.

73 min Cipriani looks to make a break but is tap tackled well. Not to worry as Mealamu comes into the ruck at the side and England have a penalty, just to the left, 35m out.

72 min Burns is going off now to be replaced by Danny Cipriani. Pleasingly, New Zealand are penalised for a crooked feed and England get a free kick.

71 min Mass changes for England here. Webber is off, Gray on. Launchbury replaced by Attwood. Johnson on for (I think) Haskell. Thomas for Wilson. While I was trying to work all those out, England knocked it on on the All Blacks 10m line.

69 min Manu Tuilagi clearly has happy memories of his performance at Twickenham in 2012. He's barrelling through the New Zealand defence and carries it into the New Zealand 22. England are then driven backwards though and Retallick nicks the ball, then bursts through a gap. He's tackled by Yarde in the England 22, but the winger doesn't release his man and is sent to the bin. That's a bit harsh given that no one was binned for the New Zealand infringement earlier.

68 min A good match? No. This won't convert anyone to rugby. Tense though? Indeed.

66 min New Zealand attack again and Tuilagi is offside in midfield. 30m out, right in front, this will be easy.

65 min Cruden puts a good kick into the England 22, but May shepherds it neatly into touch and England have the throw. Parling taps it down to no one, but May has it covered and boots clear.

63 min That's a great scrum from New Zealand but no matter as May arcs around, coming off his wing. He chips over the top and regathers just 5m out. Barrett is in trouble as he makes the tackle and England get a penalty. ABs lucky there was no card there.

61 min A much better scrum from New Zealand and they spin it right, but this time it's Barrett who knocks on under no pressure. England are unlikely to get a better chance than this to win on this tour.

60 min Again it's a monster of a scrum from England, but the ball comes out on the New Zealand side and it's cleared. England knock on and New Zealand replace Nonu and Woodcock with Fekitoa and Crockett.

59 min England absolutely demolish the scrum. I think it's fair to say that Wilson has made up for the knock on there. Astonishingly, no penalty is awarded and we're having another scrum. It's 25m out, right in front of the AB's posts.

57 min Morgan picks up from the base of the scrum and charges 25m upfield. England spin it into midfield and wonderful footwork from Eastmond sees him right up into New Zealand territory, but his looping miss-pass is behind Brown. England recycle and go infield but it's turnover ball. The All Blacks kick clear but Brown restarts the attack. May, playing his best game for England, steps through a couple of tackles but slips. Inside it comes but it's another knock-on in midfield by Wilson.

55 min Ooh! Yarde is caught dawdling and Aaron Smith chips over the top of him and England are in real trouble. Smith can't get to his own kick but Kaino is right there a metre out, but he knocks on looking to pick it up and England have a scrum 5m from their own line.

54 min Dagg is limping off, to be replaced by Barrett. I'm not sure it's an injury issue, rather that Dagg has been patchy at best tonight. Barrett is a hell of an exciting player to watch, so England will need to watch out here.

53 min England go left from the scrum and Tuilagi breaks the gainline. It's recycled but England can't make any more ground and are being pinned between halfway and their own 10m line. Burns puts up a high ball and Israel Dagg misses the ball completely. Yarde hacks it ahead but overcooks his kick and it goes into touch. New Zealand have a lineout on their own 22 and get a free kick as England put too many men in the lineout.

50 min It's swung left but Dagg knocks on. This has been a very poor match.

49 min Jane claims the ball and again it's a good chase from Yarde. It's recycled and Dagg puts a kick through, which Burns knocks on. It looked to have gone backwards but the touch judge says it hit his left hand first.

48 min A baseline rally, ends in a 22 drop out to England. Yarde deserves plaudits for a good chase from a Youngs kick and timing his tackle well on Jane.

46 min Wilson has made a fair few mistakes in the loose today, but he's scrummaged outstandingly well. He gets a penalty here and Burns boots it into touch, on the right, inside the New Zealand half.

45 min Here come the All Blacks again as Kaino blasts a hole in the defence down the right, into the 22, after Aaron Smith made a break. It goes left with Coles offloading well to Dagg, but then Nonu takes it into contact and drops it. Tuilagi looks as though he may get away, but he can't gather it cleanly and knocks on. Back we go for an England scrum on their own 22.

43 min Oh wonderful hands from the All Blacks after Burns' kick was fielded. It goes left, the passes flying perfectly despite England's rush defence. Dagg spots a gap and flies through, gaining 40m and going left to Nonu. It's offloaded to Cruden, but he tries one offload too many and England can clear.

42 min The ABs win the ball back and what a box kick this is from Aaron Smith. It stops a metre short of the England line and May is wrapped up. The ABs are off their feet though and Burns clears to touch from the penalty.

41 min Here we go then. From the kick-off, the ball bounces into touch and England have a lineout inside their own half on the left. Once again, Parling takes it. That's his fifth of the match.

Half time emails dept.:

Gary Pitt: "Further to your earlier comment about Burns and May having appalling seasons for an appalling Gloucester, have you been watching May this season? Whilst Burns has been trying to make it easier for Gloucester to release him, May has played himself into the 6 nations squad purely on merit."

Robin Hazelhurst on how England can win part 2: "Second plan for England winning is for hellfire and brimstone to suddenly rain down and England win under Duckworth Lewis. But its great while it lasts..."

Scotland correspondent Simon McMahon: "Morning Dan. It's all about the power of positive thinking. There's no such thing as failure. Only deferred success. Being a Scotland fan I've had quite a bit of practise in this area."

Accuracy from Andy Bradshaw: "Stuart Barnes talking nonsense? Check. Haskell giving away witless penalties? Check. Blatant NZ yellow card offences ignored? Check. Wrong refing decisions leading to NZ points? Check. God I've missed international rugby. On the plus side, I think we have a reasonable chance of not being shamed & the Scrum's gaining dominance."

Diane McNeilly: "Too much set play and kicking away of ball. yes Penalty NZ ! ABs need to keep possession and swing ball left to right and run England around more!! Come on NZ!! I'm English, married to a Kiwi, living in Auckland, Never watched rugby in England so never supported them. So always support ABs now, much to my brother Nigel's annoyance!!!"

37 min Cruden kicks in the 22 again and it bounces awkwardly for Mike Brown. The full-back, probably England's best player this season, steps brilliantly out of the tackles and England recycle, looking to attack. Launchbury takes it into contact outside his own 22 but Haskell dives over the top of the ruck and concedes a penalty.

36 min From a position wide on the right, New Zealand swing it wide to the left but Conrad Smith spills it. Tuilagi steals the ball and finds Yarde, but there's no room for him. England recycle and go left; May looks to be away but the pass to him from Haskell was forwards.

35 min From the drop out, England win the ball but it's another handling error by Wilson. This time it goes forwards though and the scrum is awarded.

34 min England had a scrum there on the AB's 10m line and Youngs teases a kick in behind the All Black defence, which had come up. It goes too far though and is dotted down. In truth, it's not been a great game so far.

"We assume you’ve refereed a great deal of rugby - calling the way you are," snark Lindsay and Alison Kerr. I'm not quite sure what their point is? I've commented on one decision so far.

31 min Aaron Smith breaks down the right and offloads to his namesake Ben, but the winger is tackled into touch on the England 10m line. England win it comfortably though. Rob Webber is looking a far, far better player than Tom Youngs right now.

30 min More good work from Parling as he wins the lineout. Youngs clears and Ben Smith takes it well, but May is up to tackle well. Aaron Smith spins a good, huge pass left and Cruden puts it up high, but Brown calls the mark.

28 min New Zealand win the lineout and Kaino draws the tacklers in. With space in behind the backline, Dagg stabs a kick through and England have a lineout on their left, just 15m from their own line. Parling wins it and Yougns clears 20m upfield.

27 min Eastmond puts a nice little chip into the 22. It sits up and Dagg, fielding it, gets wrapped up. You have to admire the All Blacks' defensive work there as they recycle it and Cruden clears to touch. England win the lineout but Webber goes into the maul from the side.

24 min England can't gather the restart and the ABs win the ball. Nonu drives into Burns and Robshaw comes in from the side with the boot and concedes a penalty, 35m out just about in front.

21 min Penalty to England from the scrum. It's about 44m out, only 5m infield, and Burns will go for goal again.

20 min Ben Youngs clears from the restart and Ben Smith, under no pressure, knocks on. An All Blacks fan in the crowd holds up a sign saying "Danny Cipriani listens to Nickelback." Ouch.

18 min Chance now for England as Dagg knocks on in the tackle after taking a good high kick. England get a penalty for obstruction at the breakdown, but it should have gone to the All Blacks as Dagg was tackled in the air by Haskell.

17 min Said kick-tennis ends with a good kick to touch in the 22 by Burns as New Zealand left a load of space at the back. Sadly, at the lineout, the visitors close the gap too quickly and it's a free kick. ABs clear to halfway.

15 min New Zealand kick ahead but it's knocked on. The All Blacks have the advantage but are taken into touch. From the lineout, kick-tennis ensues, disappointingly.

14 min The All Blacks showing just how dangerous they can be here. It's spun left via Dagg to Jane, who chips ahead. Tuilagi gets back well to touch down with Dagg closing in.

13 min This is poor. Cruden clears and misses touch, but as Brown fields it May, running backwards, bumps into him. You would assume that Brown called that, but it's a knck-on and the All Blacks have a scrum.

11 min England win the ball from the kick-off and May looks to arc down the left. It's recycled back inside, then out it goes again to Brown on the left touchline. He passes to Robshaw who makes a good break again, before it's passed out to Burns on the touchline via Webber. The fly-half dives over but it was knocked on before that.

9 min The ball is flung left and Ben Smith steps through a gap. Left it goes again and Corey Jane is almost in in the left-hand corner before Brown makes a good tackle. Smith then finds another gap, but is held short. The ball is swung right and Cruden offloads inside to McCaw, who knocks on. We're going back for a penalty to the All Blacks though.

7 min That's poor from May, as he looks to keep Aaron Smith's box kick in play but knocks on. Scrum to New Zealand on the England 22, about 13m infield.

6 min England nick the ball as Cruden loses it in the tackle. They work it through the hands, with Robshaw flinging a lovely offload to Youngs, but the scrum-half's pass wide goes into touch.

5 min England win the lineout, then Burns puts a kick out on the full.

4 min New Zealand win their own kick off and carry up to the 22. Smith chips through and Yarde collects, doing very well to stay in play. Eventually Burns clears and New Zealand take a quick line out inside their own half. Ben Smith is tackled by Burns though, then Nonu puts a poor kick out on the full. England have a lineout on the right, 40m from the All Blacks' line.

1 min Freddie Burns kicks things off. New Zealand take it cleanly and Cruden's clearance is fielded by Yarde. England recycle but Wilson fumbles it backwards. Robshaw suddenly finds a gap at the breakdown and goes through! England are into the 22 and it's spun left. Eastmond is tackled into touch but we go back for an England penalty as Haskell, running a supporting line to Robshaw, was pulled back by Nonu.

Good news department: Nigel Owens is the ref. Anyway, here things go.

Handing the reigns of the MBM over to KP for a moment:

"Hi Dan," writes Robin Hazelhurst, who reckons he knows how England can win. "Are NZ actually up for this? I'd have thought the result is such a foregone conclusion that they would just greet it with a massive yawn. I half expected to hear they were sending their U17 side out. How do England win? Simple, redefine winning. Losing by less than 20 will be a major victory and they can focus on taking the positives etc."

You're beginning to sound like Alastair Cook. Anyhow, the teams are running out to a bunch of flamethrowers and smoke. I remember when they didn't have those for every single international match.

"Hello Dan," writes Chuck in LA. "Actually I think May IS good enough and has had a pretty good season for both (my team) Gloucester AND England this year.
Freddie Burns on the other hand is now a Leicester player so I wash my hands of him. Not my problem anymore!"

You reckon? I thought he and Nowell were England's weakest links in the Six Nations. They got caught out of position far too often for my liking and routinely failed to beat their man.

That's a fair enough point. With nothing to lose, England can really go for this and play with freedom and adventure.

In the meantime I've just played all the other Guardian Sport writers' all-time World Cup teams. Barry Glendenning, Ian Prior, Amy Lawrence, Barney Ronay and Marcus Christenson: I've hammered you all without conceding a goal.

Er, well this is embarrassing. I was led to believe kick-off is at 8am. We're there now and no sign of the teams. Looking over the line-ups again, does anyone seriously think that Kyle Eastmond, Freddie Burns and Jonny May are anywhere near good enough? The latter two have had appalling seasons for an appalling Gloucester team.

Ah, kick-off is actually at 8.35am.

Also does anyone know how to turn the heating down at Guardian Towers? I'm melting here.

In another sport, there is some cup thing coming up. I don't know if you've tried picking your all-time World Cup XI thing yet, but do see if you can beat mine. No one has, consistently, yet.

Weather report: It looks to be cloudy but dry in Auckland. According to the internet, anyway. I'm not actually there. Still, expect at least one of these two teams to move the ball through the hands, rather than play a kicking game.

Right, how do England win this? In all honesty I'm out of ideas. Two wins in New Zealand in their history and neither of those was with what is, essentially, a third string team. 1973, 2003... don't expect to add 2014 to that list any time soon.

Preamble

Yaawwnnn! Morning folks. Enjoying your Saturday lie-in? Reading this on one of those new fangled tablet things that all you kids have these days? Waking up with a nice hot roasted coffee, perhaps a croissant/leftover kebab? Pah! How's that meant to get you in the right frame of mind for one of the most gruelling endeavours in sport? On Sky's adverts, Will Greenwood talks of the greatest moment of his career being England's win in New Zealand in June 2003, rather than the World Cup triumph five months down the line. Any other team and we could write this off as typical Sky Sports hyperbole, but this is the All Blacks. Personally, I can't think of much scarier.

It's hard to remember a taller order for an England rugby side than this one. The All Blacks may be without IRB World Player of the Year Kieran Read and some bloke called Carter, but on the flip side, England are unable to call on the services of (deep breath) Alex Waller, Dylan Hartley, Courtney Lawes, Tom Wood, Billy Vunipola, Richard Wigglesworth, Owen Farrell, Stephen Myler, Chris Ashton, Brad Barritt, Luther Burrell, Alex Goode and Ben Foden, after the absurdly engrossing Premiership Final, absurdly just a week ago. To that, you can add an injury/unavailability list that contains Alex Corbisiero, Mako Vunipola, Tom Youngs, Dan Cole, Tom Croft, Toby Flood and Jack Nowell.

Stuart Lancaster, perhaps inspired by Clive Woodward's enormous, unqualified success with the Lions in 2005, nonetheless has a squad of 47 players out in New Zealand, which seems a little excessive to me. The players he can call on today have all impressed this season in the Premiership (or are Freddie Burns), but if you're reading this then you're probably not the kind of person who needs telling that playing the All Blacks at Eden Park is a rather more difficult prospect than hosting Newcastle Falcons on a Sunday lunchtime.

For the casual English viewer, there are arguably more familiar names in the New Zealand team than in England's. We have a fourth-choice centre pairing, fourth-choice fly-half, third-choice number nine, third-choice front row and, on the bench, two potential debutants and a fly-half who hasn't played for his country in six years.
England are a good side who, under Stuart Lancaster, have consistently played to a level above expectations. A win here though would be among the greatest upsets in English rugby history.

Kick-off is at 8am UK time. Here are your teams.

England: Mike Brown (Harlequins); Marland Yarde (Harlequins), Manu Tuilagi, (Leicester Tigers), Kyle Eastmond (Bath), Jonny May (Gloucester); Freddie Burns (Leicester Tigers), Ben Youngs (Leicester Tigers); Joe Marler (Harlequins), Rob Webber (Bath), David Wilson (Bath); Joe Launchbury (London Wasps), Geoff Parling (Leicester Tigers); James Haskell (Wasps), Chris Robshaw (Harlequins, capt), Ben Morgan (Gloucester).

Replacements: Joe Gray (Harlequins), Matt Mullan (London Wasps), Henry Thomas (Sale Sharks), Dave Attwood (Bath), Tom Johnson (Exeter Chiefs), Lee Dickson (Northampton), Danny Cipriani (Sale Sharks), Chris Pennell (Worcester).

New Zealand: Israel Dagg; Ben Smith, Conrad Smith, Ma'a Nonu, Cory Jane, Aaron Cruden, Aaron Smith; Jerome Kaino, Richie McCaw (captain), Liam Messam, Sam Whitelock, Brodie Retallick, Owen Franks, Dane Coles, Tony Woodcock.

Replacements: Keven Mealamu, Wyatt Crockett, Charlie Faumuina, Patrick Tuipulotu, Victor Vito, TJ Perenara, Beauden Barrett, Malakai Fekitoa.