That’s all for tonight, and for this slap-up three-course Premier League matchweek. Thanks very much for your company and emails – goodnight!

Here’s what those results do to the Premier League table

This is an excellent point from Andy Flintoff (not that one)

“For Ward-Prowse’s goal, Vicario handled Udogie’s deliberate back pass, so the ref could have blown for an indirect free kick, but he played a good advantage.”

Dejan Kulusevski is being dragged away from the referee, no idea why. Spurs are having a nightmare spell, though they shouldn’t lose sight of the progress they are making under Ange Postecoglu. Nor should West Ham ever forget how many joyous moments they have had since David Moyes returned to the club. He pumps his fists in front of a delirious away section, then marches proudly off the field with a smile so broad that it must be painful. It’s been another memorable triumph for one of the Premier League’s most underappreciated managers.

90+4 min: Tottenham 1-2 West Ham Porro’s free-kick hits the wall and goes behind for a corner. He bounces towards the referee, appealing for a penalty. The ball did hit the arm of Zouma but it was close to his shoulder. The VAR team conclude it was too high on the arm to be a penalty, even if he was guilty of moving his arm towards the ball.

90+3 min: Tottenham 1-2 West Ham The irrepressible Pedro Porro is hacked down by Bowen just outside the area. The free-kick is a fair way to the right of centre, perhaps too wide for the shot,

This is so bad it’s good. I think.

“If this result stays the same,” says Gary Byrne, “Big Ange won’t be able to claim victory over West Ham home and away.”

90+1 min: Tottenham 1-2 West Ham Five minutes of added time.

“At the risk of offending, well, everyone, this Spurs team reminds me a little of those Wenger teams with Cesc, Wilshire, et al, who played some really attractive football and did well with a thin squad but kept finding ways to lose leads and lose games,” says Gordon Burns. “Wenger used to say they ‘were a little naïve’. Everyone else said they were soft.”

I’m loath to draw conclusions simply because they don’t have their best team. All of these defeats have happened without Maddison and Van de Ven, who are vital players for different reasons. I do see your point and it’s certainly fair to wonder whether Postecoglu is an incorrigible romantic; I just think it’s too early to judge. I still wish he was my editor.

88 min: Tottenham 1-2 West Ham At the other end Sarr shoots over from 17 yards after a lay-off from Son. That’s Son’s last touch: he is replaced by Alejo Veliz.

West Ham bring on Pablo Fornals for Mohammed Kudus.

87 min: Tottenham 1-2 West Ham A wicked inswinging corner from Ward-Prowse is missed by Vicario, under a lot of pressure, but he reacts well to punch the kloose ball to safety.

86 min: Tottenham 1-2 West Ham It’s worth reiterating that Spurs have scored the first goal in each of their last five leagues games. If it stays like this they will have lost four of them and drawn the other.

I can’t remember a run quite like this. Manchester United lost the lead in eight successive league games in October and November 1988 but I think they drew seven of them.

84 min: Tottenham 1-2 West Ham Pape Sarr and Bryan Gil come on for Yves Bissouma and Brennan Johnson. Spurs are probing as best they can but at the moment Porro is their only real threat.

“If it’s any consolation to Ange,” begins Niall Mullen, “in Australia you can watch Spurs’ season go the other way down the plug hole.”

80 min: Tottenham 1-2 West Ham This would be some victory for West Ham, who were largely battered in the first half. If it stays like this they will be only three points behind Spurs.

Udogie’s played a short backpass that was spotted early by Bowen. Vicario beat him to the ball but could only push it to Ward-Prowse, following up on the edge of the area. He swept a shot that hit the post and rebounded in front of an open goal. Bowen – miles offside but no longer active – ran away from the ball to allow Ward-Prowse to tap it gleefully into the net.

73 min: Tottenham 1-1 West Ham There’s a shot on target for Spurs. They work the ball back, across, back, across and finally back infield to Bissouma. His angled pass finds Porro, who splats a rising drive that is pushed round the near post by the flying Fabianski. Decent save.

70 min: Tottenham 1-1 West Ham Porro’s fine cross is headed fractionally wide by Richarlison, who has just come on. That was a terrific chance.

West Ham have had the only two shots on target in the second half. Spurs are still having most of the ball, as you’d expect, but David Moyes teams know how to defend deep.

Who did coin the phrase “low block”?

67 min: Tottenham 1-1 West Ham A double change for Spurs: Richarlison and Oliver Skipp come on for Giovani Lo Celso and Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg.

64 min: Tottenham 1-1 West Ham I’ve only really had eyes for Goodison Park in the last few minutes, but this looks like a much more even game at the Tottenham Hotspur Stadium. It won’t end 1-1.

90+9 min: Everton 3-0 Newcastle There was a long VAR check for offside – but the goal stands.

It came after a long spell of olé football from Everton in the middle third. Patterson curled a clever pass down the inside-right channel to find Beto, who ran 40 yards into the area before nutmegging Dubravka.

Jarrod Bowen has scored his 50th goal for West Ham. There was plenty of fortune in the build up, but he finished it superbly. Kudus’s shot from 22 yards was blocked by Romero, bhut the ball ricocheted off Davies and through to Bowen in the area. For a second Bowen had no idea where the ball was, but he got his bearings and calmly lifted a right-footed shot over Vicario.

90+1 min: Everton 2-0 Newcastle There will be 10 minutes of added time. You can imagine the reaction from the home fans.

Newcastle almost get one back in the first of those 10 added minutes. Joelinton’s pass is behind Isak, who controls it brilliantly with his ankle but then flips the ball over Pickford and wide. The first touch was gorgeous.

90 min: Everton 2-0 Newcastle Jamaal Lascelles limps off to be replaced by Emil Krafth. It might just be a precaution as he’s been struggling for the last 10 minutes or so.

89 min: Everton 2-0 Newcastle This is such a big result for Everton, who desperately needed a signature home win to change the mood during future games at Goodison Park.

Newcastle will cite tiredness, rightly so given their injury list, but Everton have had to deal with adversity of a different kind. They’re doing it admirably.

46 min: Spurs 1-0 West Ham Peep peep!

Trippier lost the ball to Harrison, who surged into the area and slid a low cross towards McNeil. He couldn’t sort his feet out but Doucoure arrived late to slide the ball past Dubravka from 10 yards.

83 min: Everton 1-0 Newcastle If it stays like this Everton will move out of the relegation zone. And without the ten-point penalty they would be in the top ten. It’s almost as if Sean Dyche is a bloody brilliant football manager.

82 min: Everton 1-0 Newcastle: Chance for Newcastle! Miguel Almiron misses a good chance, heading onto the roof of the net from six yards after Miley mishit a shot into the ground.

It’s nightmare for Kieran Trippier, who had a brainfade just inside his own half and was robbed by McNeil. He galloped infield, heading straight for goal, with Calvert-Lewin’s run taking Lascelles out of the way. McNeil hugged the ball on his left foot until he reached the edge of the area, at which point he veered away from the covering Schar and lashed a thrilling rising drive across Dubravka. Lovely goal.

76 min: Everton 0-0 Newcastle Pickford doesn’t look great but he’s going to continue.

76 min: Everton 0-0 Newcastle A nervous moment for Newcastle. Young’s cross from the right is met by Doucoure, whose slightly tame downward header hits Trippier and is booted to safety.

Meanwhile, Jordan Pickford is struggling with what looks like a muscle injury.

44 min: Spurs 1-0 West Ham Kudus, on the right, digs out a superb cross to find the unmarked Paqueta at the far post, but his stooping header is well wide. That was a terrific chance.

68 min: Everton 0-0 Newcastle Gordon bursts into the area again before being crowded out by Branthwaite and Tarkowski. He has looked muh more dangerous since swapping positions with Isak, and right now Newcastle look the likelier winners.

“Hi Rob,” says Peter Oh. “Did you know that the Lagunitas Brewing Company makes the version of Newcastle Brown Ale that is sold here in North America?”

I did now!

67 min: Everton 0-0 Newcastle Seamus Coleman is going off through injury, though it looks like a muscle strain rather than anything more serious. Nathan Patterson replaces him. Coleman is able to jog off and receives a standing ovation while doing so.

65 min: Everton 0-0 Newcastle Gordon, who is looking increasingly dangerous, runs onto a through pass from Isak and curls over from 25 yards.

40 min: Spurs 1-0 West Ham More opportunities for Spurs. Fabianski punches a cross only as far as Kulusevski, whos shot is blocked by Emerson. The ball rebounds to Bissouma, who shoots over from the edge of the area.

63 min: Everton 0-0 Newcastle Dubravka gets nowhere near a deep, inswinging corner from the right, but the teenager Lewis Miley does really well to ensure Calvert-Lewin can’t get a clear header beyond the far post. The ball bounces into the side netting for a goalkick.

62 min: Everton 0-0 Newcastle Tarkowski dithers on the edge of the D and is robbed by Gordon, whose early shot is too close to Pickford. That was a pretty good chance, and almost a nightmare moment for Tarkowski/the entire Everton support.

37 min: Spurs 1-0 West Ham Spurs win the ball high up the field yet again. Lo Celso threads it through to Johnson, who shoots too close to Fabianski from a tightish angle.

35 min: Spurs 1-0 West Ham A decent save from Fabianski, who beats away a hooked shot from Lo Celso. Spurs have had almost 80 per cent of the possession in this game.

“My big take away from tonight is: God Clive Tyldsley is good,” says Niall Mullen. “Enthusiastic, knowledgeable and nary a hint of grumpy old football man about him.”

Oh, he’s fantastic. I’d strongly recommend his two-part interview on the When Football Begin Again podcast. He does actually get a bit grumpy at times, understandably so, but the whole interview is a joy. Or, at least, was a joy for me.

55 min: Everton 0-0 Newcastle It’s a rugged arm-wrestle of a game at Goodison Park. Gordon elicits one of the bigger cheers of the night by shooting well wide from distance. To his credit, he has played a fair part of the game with a smile, which hasn’t always been the case when star players return to face an affronted Goodison crowd.

“I’m pretty sure you can drink a Lagunitas at home (although I might prefer a Bell’s Two Hearted), but I’m a little doubtful about you and the Christmas party,” writes Joe Pearson. “The last time you mentioned your location (back in January), you were living in Bruton. Google tells me that’s two and a half hours from London, where one supposes the aforementioned party will be taking place. Regardless, Happy Holidays (including Hannukah, which begins tonight)!”

You know we have running water over here, right? London even has other luxuries like “trains” and “hotels”.

30 min: Spurs 1-0 West Ham Spurs won’t feel safe at 1-0, especially as they’ve been ahead in their last four games and taken only one point.

50 min: Everton 0-0 Newcastle: Chance for Everton! The backpedalling Dubravka drops a corner and falls into the post. Newcastle force the ball behind for another corner. McNeil’s near-post outswinger is met by the towering Calvert-Lewin, whose header deflects off Lascelles, hits Dubravka and is booted away by Almiron on the line.

25 min: Spurs 1-0 West Ham Kudus robs Udogie 30 yards from goal and decides to have a pop. It’s a tame shot, easily saved by Vicario.

In other news, it’s hooning it down at the Tottenham Hotspur Stadium.

46 min: Everton 0-0 Newcastle Peep peep! The second half is under way at Goodison.

22 min: Spurs 1-0 West Ham Lo Celso has a shot blocked after another hypnotic move. Spurs have been relentless in the first quarter of the game.

19 min: Spurs 1-0 West Ham “It’s almost rude of Tottenham to score a goal like that against West Ham,” writes Kári Tulinius. “A big centre-back scoring a towering header from a corner is something you expect a David Moyes team to do to another side, not have it happen to them. It’s like a rapper biting another MC’s style.”

That’s a very good point. I’ll be honest, though, I didn’t see that last sentence coming.

17 min: Spurs 1-0 West Ham Spurs are playing some terrific stuff. Kulusevski flicks a nice pass round to corner to Son and sets off for the return. Son reaches the edge of the D, uses Kulusevski by not using him but then shoots too close to Fabianski.

8 min: Spurs 0-0 West Ham Possession so far: Spurs 90-10 West Ham. I wish Ange Postecoglu was my editor.

6 min: Spurs 0-0 West Ham Jarrod Bowen has started back on the right for West Ham, with Mohammed Kudus as the false nine.

These are the revised teams.

Tottenham Hotspur (4-2-3-1) Vicario; Pedro Porro, Romero, Davies, Udogie; Bissouma, Hojbjerg; Kulusevski, Lo Celso, Johnson; Son.
Substitutes: Forster, Emerson Royal, Dorrington, Skipp, Sarr, Richarlison, Gil, Veliz, Donley.

West Ham United (4-2-3-1) Fabianski; Coufal, Zouma, Aguerd, Emerson; Alvarez, Ward-Prowse; Bowen, Soucek, Paqueta; Kudus.
Substitutes: Anang, Cresswell, Mavropanos, Ogbonna, Kehrer, Fornals, Ings, Benrahma, Mubama.

45+2 min: Everton 0-0 Newcastle This game is getting very niggly. The referee stops play when Schar and Branthwaite collide and go down holding their heads, though Newcastle aren’t happy because they had the ball in a decent position.

Both players seem to be fine.

1 min: Tottenham 0-0 West Ham Fabianski rushes off his line to deny Kulusevski inside the first minute. Kulusevski might have been offside but I wouldn’t bet the farm on it.

44 min: Everton 0-0 Newcastle Tarkowski has a big scratch on his right arm, so we may hear more about that at half-time.

1 min: Tottenham 0-0 West Ham Peep peep! The other match is under way in north London.

44 min: Everton 0-0 Newcastle Tarkowski and Joelinton have a bit of a set-to before an Everton free-kick. Tarkowski presents his arm to the referee, who then calls him over a second time to have a word. The VAR team looked at the incident but it was quickly checkcompleted.

42 min: Everton 0-0 Newcastle Trippier is outmuscled by Calvert-Lewin, then drags him down and is a bit fortunate to not be booked.

40 min: Everton 0-0 Newcastle: Calvert-Lewin misses! Well, Everton created a huge chance there. A long, diagonal free-kick from the right bounced in the Newcastle area and was forced through to Calvert-Lewin by Branthwaite. He was unmarked, six yards out, but launched a chest-volley over the bar.

37 min: Everton 0-0 Newcastle “To add to the xG conversation, I have Opta’s Stats page up in another tab,” writes Joe Pearson. “Everton are dominating the xG so far, 0.96 to 0.24. But that’s going to happen when you have such a large shot differential. Admittedly, some of the chances have been really difficult, but they need to finish.”

I’ve pulled this straight out of a well-known place, but I wonder whether Everton create a lot of small chances (0.1-0.3) and not enough big ones (0.5+). Lord knows.

36 min: Everton 0-0 Newcastle So close from Isak. Newcastle worked the ball well down the right, with Trippier eventually clipping a cross into the middle. Isak flicked a header into the ground that wrongfooted Pickford and bounced just wide of the far post.

35 min: Everton 0-0 Newcastle Gueye is booked for a foul on Miley. Everton are frustrated because Gueye got a touch on the ball, which then ran through to Calvert-Lewin in the area. Twenty years ago that wouldn’t have been a foul, but then 20 years ago The Thrills were an emerging beat combo.

31 min: Everton 0-0 Newcastle Trippier appeals unsuccessfully for a penalty when his cross hits the arm of Gueye. It was tight to his side. The ball breaks towards Guimarares, who lines up a shot but is thwarted by a thunderous tackle from Tarkowski. Great defending.

30 min: Everton 0-0 Newcastle Harrison breaks into the area and plays the ball inside to McNeil, who takes a touch and pushes a shot just wide of the far post. That was a decent chance.

29 min: Everton 0-0 Newcastle Gordon – who has switched wings with Almiron – is fouled by Gueye, who gets a warning for repeat offending. Newcastle are having much more of the ball, though the old xG has Everton ahead.

The resulting free-kick is headed away to Almiron, who volleys over from the edge of the area.

26 min: Everton 0-0 Newcastle “Sir Patrick Stewart recently mentioned in an interview that he was playing Hamlet to a full house on the day England won the World Cup,” writes Harriet Osborn. “Your colleagues at the party can take some comfort that whatever upsets happen tonight, it won’t be a missed cultural moment on that scale! Apparently another actor had a speaker under the stage. Not the ghost of Hamlet, Sr; just Wolstenholme on the airwaves!”

I knew we’d find our way to Frasier eventually.

25 min: Everton 0-0 Newcastle It’s a decent game, if a little cagey. The first goal feels even more important than usual.

Touches in the opposition box so far: Everton 19-1 Newcastle.

19 min: Everton 0-0 Newcastle Another half chance for Calbert-Lewin. Harrison cut inside from the right and slid a short pass into the area, inviting Calvert-Lewin to run off Lascelles. He did so and scuffed a first-time shot from a tight angle that was well saved to his right by Dubravka.

19 min: Everton 0-0 Newcastle McNeil curls a beautiful cross beyond the far post, where Calvert-Lewin hangs in the air for an age and plants a downward header straight at Dubravka. The angle was tight so there wasn’t much more he could do, but it was an imperious leap.

18 min: Everton 0-0 Newcastle Harrison’s teasing cross is headed well wide by the off-balance Calvert-Lewin, who was pushed towards the ball by Trippier. He is so good at that – shoving a striker just enough to put them off balance, but not with sufficient force for it to be a penalty.

17 min: Everton 0-0 Newcastle Gordon’s through pass towards Isak is cut out well by the sliding Mykolenko. Newcastle are having a good spell. Moments later Joelinton plays in Almiron, who shoots straight at Pickford on the run. That was the best chance so far.

14 min: Everton 0-0 Newcastle … but his free-kick is too close to Pickford, who holds comfortably to his left.

13 min: Everton 0-0 Newcastle After a stiff start, Newcastle are coming into the game. The brilliant Tino Livramento slaoloms to the edge of the area and is fouled by Gueye. This is a chance for the other full-back, Kieran Trippier…

“Why do we need to get excited about the nonsenses of xG when actual goals provide just as much nonsense,” says Richard Hirst. “Man City are only three points ahead of their silent neighbours, but their goal difference is +19 to United’s 0; how can this make sense? Btw, before last night’s Fulham game I Whatsapped my daughter to say that I felt unusually optimistic, and blamed the wine. Can I claim at least one assist for the 5-0?”

On the first point, I give you Norwich City and Blackburn Rovers in 1992-93. Blackburn beating Norwich 7-1 accounted for almost half the goal-difference disparity.

And while we’re discussing Fulham 5-0 Nottingham Forest…

7 min: Everton 0-0 Newcastle McNeil’s corner is headed wide by Branthwaite, who get up early but was under pressure – and on his way down – by the time he made contact.

7 min: Everton 0-0 Newcastle Anthony Gordon is getting booed, as you’d expect after his acrimonious departure from Goodison.

Everton are on top at the moment. Gueye has another shot blocked, then Young’s rising drive deflects behind off Livramento.

4 min: Everton 0-0 Newcastle Young and Gueye have shots from the edge of the area blocked in the space of a couple of seconds. Everton have started quite well.

“Are you all talking about Christmas already?” writes Krishnamoorthy V. “What are you drinking? [I’M NOT BLOODY DRINKING ANYTHING, EVERYONE ELSE IS AT THE GUARDIAN SPORT CHRISTMAS PARTY!] Before the games really get going tonight , may I slip in a WOW towards Unai Emery. Arsenal’s loss is Aston Villa’s gain (even though the former is quite happy with Arteta now). The weekend clash between the two is going to be a lot of fun.”

Interesting that City and Arsenal have the same two fixtures this week. The order definitely suits Arsenal, as Villa will do well to repeat that performance 72 hours later.

2 min: Everton 0-0 Newcastle Ashley Young has started on the right wing, with Jack Harrison as the No10 and Abdoulaye Doucoure playing a bit deeper.

These are the revised teams.

Everton (4-2-3-1) Pickford; Coleman, Tarkowski, Branthwaite, Mykolenko; Doucoure, Gueye; Young, Harrison, McNeil; Calvert-Lewin.
Substitutes: Joao Virginia, Patterson, Keane, Godfrey, Hunt, Danjuma, Beto, Chermiti, Dobbin.

Newcastle (4-1-2-3) Dubravka; Trippier, Lascelles, Schar, Livramento; Bruno Guimaraes; Miley, Joelinton; Almiron, Isak, Gordon.
Substitutes: Karius, Gillespie, Dummett, Krafth, Hall, Murphy, Ritchie, Diallo, Parkinson.

1 min: Everton 0-0 Newcastle Peep peep! Newcastle kick off from left to right as we watch.

“G’day Rob,” writes our Georgie Down Under, Chris Paraskevas. “Appreciate your dedication in foregoing the G-Sport Xmas Party. You’ve done yourself a favour, though: the Xmas Party has assumed an almost a mythological status in Australian work culture, as a place where even the slightest individual error is magnified, causing embarrassment, pain, introspection, defiance and anger.

“It’s probably not dissimilar to the mood at Goodison Park, which represents a very different assignment for Newcastle to the glamour of a trip to Paris. I fear Eddie Howe’s side may run out of reserves (literally) tonight but they somehow keep finding a way... what an incredible job he’s done.”

He’s been genuinely brilliant, particularly in the way he has restored the club’s identity. That said, I still fear Newcastle will seek a perceived upgrade at the first sign of real trouble. I hope not.

“You mentioned Christmas first,” is Scott Blair’s opening gambit. “Two reasons for suggesting this. First, it’s the incomparable Warren Zevon not taking Walking in a Winter Wonderland entirely seriously; and second it’s a tune that’s been appropriated for many a football chant over the years.

“My favourite was the one Celtic supporters coined for Mark Viduka, but the second line is possibly a bit sexist for the Guardian, so if anyone is motivated enough to research further, the Jorge Cadete version is probably safer.”

Are you trying to get me sacked? On today of all days?

The Premier League table ahead of tonight’s action

“Evening!” chirps William Preston, generously attaching a picture of a pint in what likes like an extremely warm pub. “I think the Everton game is going to be a corker. They simply have to get an early festive stomp on and show the magpies that there’s only partridges, turtle doves, french hens, geese, and swans in the festive football season. Goodison Park requires the thrilling heroics missing for so long. Have a super party!”

Was that last sentence meant for the global Guardian Sport address or are just rubbing salt into my social wounds?

“My main issue with xG,” begins the ghost of Brian Clough Niall Mullen, “is that if you look at a typical xG table then the teams at the top consistently seem to do better than their xG and the teams at he bottom consistently do worse. It’s like the xG isn’t measuring some crucial element of the game. If I had to hazard a guess as to the missing piece it would probably be the quality of the players.”

That’s a shrewd observation. It’d be interesting to watch a match with somebody who is doing the xG. My hunch (and that’s all it is) is that it would turn me into Gareth Keenan.

“There are some who find xG to be a complete waste of time, being of the position that actual goals are all that matters,” wrties Matt Burtz. “Others, myself included, find it to be at least somewhat instructive as to the relative merits of particular teams. By that measure Newcastle are the second best team in the Premier League, which isn’t entirely unexpected. What might be surprising is that Everton are ninth, ahead of the likes of Manchester United, Tottenham, and West Ham. And the thing is that watching them backs this up.

“Their 3-0 loss to Manchester United was hardly a demolition; in fact, Everton won the xG battle, they just didn’t convert their chances. They’ve also conceded the same number of goals as Aston Villa (who have played one more game). All of this is what leads me to think that Everton aren’t going down, even if the full ten-point deduction stays in place. Their away form has improved drastically and while they might not get any points tonight against a strong Newcastle side, things aren’t as bleak as they seem at Goodison.”

My only issues with xG are that a) we take the methodology on trust, b) we treat it as an exact science when it isn’t and c) sometimes it’s used to inform an argument rather than support it. I agree it’s a good guide, though, and this year’s table reinforces what the eyes have been telling us all season: Everton almost certainly won’t go down.