Nick Ames was in Hamburg, and his report is in. Here it is! Congratulations to France, commiserations to Portugal, and thanks for reading this MBM. Nighty night.

French fans will be doubly delighted to find out that, when the winning kick went in, Kylian Mbappé sprinted onto the pitch in a good humour. Hopefully that nose will be fine by the time France take on Spain in Munich on Tuesday evening. Didier Deschamps will certainly hope his star striker is fit to play, because France have somehow reached the last four with a tally of three goals in five matches, one of them a penalty, the other two scored by opposing players. Plenty of space for improvement there. Having said that, some fine spot kicks dispatched in the shootout tonight!

PENALTIES: Portugal 3-5 France. Hernández whips into the top-left corner, and France are through to the semi-finals!

PENALTIES: Portugal 3-4 France. Nuno Mendes has to score … and he does, hitting the top-right corner. Postage-stamp stuff. What confidence with his back to the wall!

PENALTIES: Portugal 2-4 France. Barcola, who came on for Mbappé, fizzes his kick into the left-hand side of the net, the keeper going the wrong way. France on the verge of the semis! Portugal on the brink.

PENALTIES: Portugal 2-3 France. João Félix stutters … then smacks his penalty off the base of the left-hand post. Maignan might have got to that anyway. Advantage France!

PENALTIES: Portugal 2-3 France. Koundé goes top left. As good as Silva’s seconds before! What nerve that took.

PENALTIES: Portugal 2-2 France. Bernardo Silva sends a sensational penalty into the top-right corner. Maignan guesses correctly again, but once more has no chance.

PENALTIES: Portugal 1-2 France. Fofana next for France. Straight down the middle. Diogo Costa no longer there. Super cool.

PENALTIES: Portugal 1-1 France. Ronaldo up. He mutters to himself. A deep breath. A stutter. Then a whip into the bottom left. Maignan went the correct way, but couldn’t reach it. Ronaldo flexes his muscles in celebration. That took nerve.

PENALTIES: Portugal 0-1 France. Dembélé rolls the first kick into the right-hand side of the net. Diogo Costa sent the wrong way.

Ronaldo wins the coin toss, but allows France to go first. These kicks are happening in front of Portugal’s fans. Dembélé up first.

Portugal may feel more confident going into this shootout. They’re coming off the back of that efficient 3-0 shootout win over Slovenia … while France have lost their last three shootouts, against Italy and Argentina in the 2006 and 2022 World Cup finals, and Switzerland in the last Euros.

ET 30 min: Some end-to-end fun right at the end. Hernández drives down the left and rolls across the edge of the box for Fofana, who can’t shuttle across to Dembélé, free on the right. Then Prtugal counter, Bernardo Silva in acres down the right. He rolls across for Nuno Mendes, who sends a daisycutter from the edge of the box straight at Maignan! A huge chance to win it!

ET 29 min: Vitinha is replaced by Matheus Nunes.

ET 28 min: Dembélé skedaddles down the right at warp speed, winning a corner. He takes it himself. Some head tennis. Ronaldo eventually clears and the whistle goes, Tchouameni having clumsily clanked into an opponent.

ET 27 min: Vitinha swings the corner in from the right. It’s long. Ronaldo attempts to connect with an overhead kick, only to slip and miss. He’s been shoving Upamecano and pulling his shirt, and the whistle goes for a free kick.

ET 26 min: Kanté’s careless pass in midfield is snatched up by Conceição, who dribbles down the right and wins a corner. Vitinha to take.

ET 24 min: Rúben Neves tries to release Nélson Semedo down the right but his pass is a clunker. Goal kick. France go up the other end, Barcola waltzing past three challenges down the left before shanking a dismal effort miles wide left of the target from six yards.

ET 22 min: Dembélé dribbles in from the right, past a couple of red shirts, and makes enough space by the edge of the D to shoot. But he leans back and larrups over.

ET 20 min: Here’s Ronaldo doing something. A run down the right. He can’t get clear of Hernández, who comes across to poke out for a corner. Portugal don’t get to take the set piece, though, because it turns out Ronaldo had gone way too early and was offside.

ET 19 min: Portugal’s fans are making all the noise. In fact they’ve kept it going all evening. Impressive stuff, given their team aren’t giving them too much to work with. “How is Jota not getting on the pitch?” asks Graham Wynne. “He came on and won a penalty last time and looked sharp. It makes no sense at all. While Ronaldo stays on doing nothing all game. Madness.”

ET 18 min: Conceição drives down the right and crosses long for João Félix, who heads into the side netting from six yards. It was a tight angle, to be fair. “Kanté and Pepe have probably been the players of the match, but their colleagues at the back have also been excellent,” argues Kári Tulinius. “Is there anything as dispiriting in football than two teams putting in admirable defensive efforts? Sheesh.”

ET 16 min: Nuno Mendes briefly threatens to steam clear down the left but Koundé hooks clear just in time.

France get extra time underway again. Kylian Mbappé’s nose is bothering him, and he hasn’t been able to continue. He sits on the bench pressing his de-masked face into an ice pack, and Bradley Barcola takes his place. Meanwhile João Félix has replaced Rafael Leão.

ET 15 min: Conceição dribbles down the right and, using Hernández as a shield, aims a curler towards the top left. High and wide.

ET 13 min: A right-wing cross drops to Rafael Leão on the penalty spot. He aims a shot towards the right-hand side of the France net, but Upamecano sticks out a leg to block.

ET 11 min: Both teams sit in, going nowhere. If this was a frame of snooker there’d be a re-rack.

ET 9 min: Portugal perambulate. Players getting tired.

ET 7 min: Dembélé sits Pepe down, 30 yards from goal, then feeds Mbappé in acres of space to his left. Mbappé cuts infield and lines up a shot, which he eventually takes, only for it to be blocked by … Pepe, who had sprung back up to make a last-ditch intervention! “It’s boiling hot in my part of California,” begins Peter Oh, “with the mercury yet to hit today’s high of 110F/43C. Still, probably not as hot as the joints of Pepe’s knees. I’ve always loved to hate him, but strangely find myself rooting for him in his feisty efforts to desperately keep up with the young ‘uns.”

ET 5 min: … but otherwise, there’s not too much going on at the Volksparkstadion. “Nothing here that the introduction of Count Binface wouldn’t improve,” notes Charles Antaki.

ET 3 min: Conceição skins Hernández down the right and pulls back from the byline. He finds Ronaldo, eight yards out. Ronaldo has to score, but flips a wild first-time shot high and wide right. He had to score. Hey, spurning a gilt-edged chance to take the lead in extra-time didn’t do Ronaldo any harm in the long run against Slovenia, so let’s see how this pans out.

ET 2 min: Mbappé probes down the left but can’t get past Nélson Semedo. “Surely if there’s ever one team you want to concede free kicks to outside the box, it’s Portugal,” suggests Paul F. “Natural point to start a counter attack.”

France get the first period of extra time underway. Youssouf Fofana has replaced Eduardo Camavinga.

90 min +3: Dembélé zips down the right and reaches the edge of the box. He tees up Mbappé, who makes another attempt to send a curler into the top right. There’s no oomph in it, and it’s an easy claim for Diogo Costa.

90 min +2: Rúben Neves comes on for João Palhinha.

90 min +1: Pepe somehow keeps up with Thuram in a race down the right. A last-ditch tackle leads to a corner. Mbappé tries to curl into the top right but gets it all wrong.

90 min: Kanté has another effort from long range easily saved by Diogo Costa. Portugal go up the other end, the ball dropping to Bernardo Silva just inside the box. He volleys. Saliba blocks. There will be three additional minutes.

89 min: Pepe hoicks long. Ronaldo is caught offside. “At this point Ronaldo will score only if a ball hits him by accident and slowly drops over the line,” writes João André. “On which goal is anyone’s guess.”

88 min: Kanté has a dig from distance. Easy for Diogo Costa. “This is not the intensity of football I require to keep me going the evening after an election night,” emails Adam Kent Ibanez, singing to the choir. Andy Gordon adds: “The inability of either team to find the net might mean consecutive all-nighters.”

86 min: Vitinha has a shot deflected wide right of goal. Before the resulting corner can be taken, Marcus Thuram replaces Randal Kolo Muani. Then Vitinha takes his corner, and that’s no good either.

85 min: Conceição needs a bit of treatment. But he’s OK to continue. Then Ronaldo bashes the free kick witlessly into the wall. What a waste.

83 min: Bernardo Silva tiptoes down the right touchline only to be skittled by Mbappé. The referee waves play on. Portugal aren’t happy, but come again through Conceição down the same flank. Saliba comes across and brings him down on the edge of the box, flapping a hand in the youngster’s face for good measure. Into the book he goes.

81 min: Portugal knock the ball around in a not particularly adventurous fashion. This match is moving at stately pace towards extra time.

79 min: Maignan punches clear and France look to counter. Mbappé makes to sprint down the right only to be stopped by João Palhinha’s block tackle. It looks a good challenge, but referee Michael Oliver doesn’t think so, and Palhinha is awarded a yellow card that will keep him out of the semi-final should Portugal get there.

78 min: The subs Conceição and Nélson Semedo combine down the right to win a corner for Portugal. Bernardo Silva to take.

77 min: The pace drops. Tension rising.

75 min: Portugal make a double change, replacing Bruno Fernandes and João Cancelo with Francisco Conceição and Nélson Semedo.

74 min: Dembélé swans in from the right and curls a superb effort towards the top left. Diogo Costa is beaten all ends up, but the ball shaves the outside of the post. That would have been one heck of a strike.

72 min: Dembélé looks lively. He tears clear of Rafael Leão and fizzes a low ball into the middle. Pepe hoicks clear. France are beginning to crank up the pressure.

70 min: Dembélé makes a nuisance of himself down the right. His low cross is deflected off Pepe’s heel and drops to Camavinga on the right-hand corner of the six-yard box. He’s surely got to score, but drags a pitiful shot across Diogo Costa and wide left. How on earth is this still goalless? Both of these teams appear to have forgotten how to score.

69 min: To be fair, this second half is much better. Both teams have now carved out decent chances; more confident teams would have converted one or two of them.

67 min: Nothing comes of the resulting corner. Meanwhile the ineffectual Antoine Griezmann is replaced by Ousmane Dembélé.

66 min: Kolo Muani is released into the box down the right by Koundé’s graceful flick. He’s one on one with Diogo Costa, but scuffs the shot, which allows Dias to slide in and block. The ball still nearly loops into the bottom left, but sails inches wide. France should be ahead.

64 min: Thankfully nothing comes of the incorrectly awarded corner, or we’d never hear the end of it.

63 min: Rafael Leão burst down the left again and tees up Vitinha, who slams goalwards from close range. Somehow Maignan gets in the way to parry. That’s even better than his save from a couple of minutes ago! Ronaldo attempts to flick the rebound into the bottom-right corner, but the ball clanks off his other leg and out for a … corner?!

62 min: Tchouameni, sashaying in from the left, hits a shot that nearly goes out for a throw on the right. Oh dear. At least he tried.

61 min: João Cancelo slips a cute ball down the inside-right channel to release Bruno Fernandes into the box. Fernandes opens his body and sidefoots powerfully towards the bottom-left corner, but Maignan stretches to save wonderfully. The rebound falls to João Cancelo, who attempts a curler towards the top left but gets it all wrong. Goal kick. As close as either team have got.

60 min: Nothing comes of the corner. That was some challenge by Camavinga, who had to time that perfectly.

59 min: Portugal get patient again. But then Rafael Leão suddenly turns on the jets. He tears down the left flank, cuts into the box, and prepares to shoot from the corner of the six-yard box before Camavinga sticks a toe in to poke out for a corner. That’s sensational play all round.

57 min: Mbappé is fine to go on. He’s definitely feeling that nose, though. Meanwhile replays show there really wasn’t much contact at all between Griezmann and João Palhinha, the former tripping over his own feet. We all move on.

55 min: With Mbappé down, play goes on and Maignan flaps the ball clear. France counter through Griezmann, who appears to be brought down by João Palhinha. But the referee rules no contact. Play then stops so Mbappé can get treatment.

54 min: Ronaldo works his way down the left and wins a corner off Camavinga. He double-claps and hollers a come on to encourage his team-mates into action. Bernardo Silva meets the corner and heads the ball straight into Mbappé’s startled coupon. The striker goes down, stunned, his nose having taken another painful whack.

52 min: Kanté slips a pass down the inside-left channel for Hernández, who sends a dangerous low cross through the six-yard box. Kolo Muani can’t reach it to tap home. France are beginning to look a little sharper.

51 min: Nuno Mendes chases a pass into the France box from the left. He goes over Upamecano’s leg and wants a penalty, but he’s obviously looking for it, and the referee’s not falling for the dive.

50 min: France stroke it around slowly. Then Mbappé suddenly ups the tempo, cutting in from the left and one-twoing with Kanté. He slams a fierce shot towards the bottom left, but it’s also straight at Diogo Costa.

48 min: Bernardo Silva loops a cross in from the left. Hernández chests it down calmly for Maignan to collect. Ronaldo gets performatively furious at the low quality of the ball into the box.

47 min: No immediate sign of any new proactive attitudes.

Portugal get the second half underway. No changes.

Is it any surprise that this game has remained goalless? We’re four-and-a-half matches into Euro 2024, and as already mentioned, France have three goals to their name. Two of them have been scored by the opposition, and the other is a penalty. Thing is, Portugal’s record isn’t much better. Their tournament tally is currently five, and two of those are own goals. None of this augurs well, so lump on this game going to extra time and penalties. You can thank me later if this entry tempts the football gods into providing us with a basketball-style second half featuring at least five goals.

Half-time entertainment. This time tomorrow in Berlin …

45 min: Vitinha shovels a pass down the inside-left channel in hope of locating the scampering Bruno Fernandes. But the pass isn’t accurate, and Maignan comes out to claim.

44 min: This match is drifting towards the half-time break, during which both managers will hopefully issue some beneficial advice. This hasn’t been great.

42 min: …. but though Ronaldo strikes his usual pre-kick pose, it’s Bruno Fernandes who takes the free kick. A surprise effort that curls over the wall and sails wide left.

41 min: … then Vitinha tries to make something happen, gliding in from the left. Kolo Muani takes him down. A free kick 25 yards out, just to the left of centre. Ronaldo’s eyes light up.

40 min: The teams take turns to demonstrate their patience.

38 min: João Cancelo whistles a low cross through the French six-yard box from the right, but there’s nobody in red to poke home. The goalkeepers aren’t exactly being put through their paces.

37 min: Portugal have enjoyed 58 percent of possession so far. They ping it around patiently. Suddenly Vitinha slips a pass down the inside-right channel for Bernardo Silva … but that man Saliba gets involved again, refusing to allow any shooting opportunity to open up. Silva is forced to turn tail. Then he’s dispossessed by Saliba, who lays off to Maignan to bash clear. What fine defending.

35 min: Bruno Fernandes goes back to the day job of playmaking, and drills a pass down the left for Ronaldo to chase. But much of the pace has gone now, and Saliba is always going to win the footrace. The French defender intercepts and wanders off elegantly.

34 min: France stay patient, and eventually there’s a little bit of space for Camavinga down the right. His low cross finds Griezmann on the edge of the six-yard box, with his back to goal, but he can’t spin in time to get a shot away, because Bruno Fernandes comes across to blooter out for a corner. That’s fine last-ditch defending, and nothing comes of the set piece.

33 min: Mbappé probes down the left. But Portugal have a lot of men back. No way through.

31 min: For a split second, it looks as though Kolo Muani is going to slalom into the Portugal box down the middle. But Pepe stands his ground, then hooks the ball away from his opponent, a perfectly timed challenge. It had to be, as it was just inside the area.

29 min: Leão makes good down the left for the nth time. He reaches the byline and fizzes a low shot-cum-cross that Maignan does extremely well to gather at his near post. It was the sort of ball that could easily have been fumbled into the net.

28 min: Leão wins another corner down the left. Another corner that’s wasted. France counter, Mbappé chasing Kanté’s speculative long pass down the right. He shoves Nuno Mendes out of the way and races clear, but he’s miles wide of the goal and there’s nobody in white who’s kept up with play. A promising situation turns to dust.

27 min: A reminder that, up to this point, France’s total Euro 2024 haul in four-and-a-quarter matches equals two own goals and a penalty.

25 min: Pepe is slightly harshly penalised as Camavinga goes to ground down the France right. Griezmann sends the free kick into a packed box. It’s not all that, and easily cleared. This match hasn’t quite sparked into life yet.

24 min: Ronaldo and Hernández contest a ball down the Portugal right, and accidentally clash heads. Thankfully both are fine to continue. “Tell Eric Pederson there are two solutions to the Fox problem: one is the Mute button, the other is TUDN (not for this match, sadly),” writes Joe Pearson. “But he and Aaron Timms are spot on. Fox is horrible.”

22 min: Costa is again involved, pushing away Mbappé’s cross-cum-shot from a tight angle on the left. Vitinha completes the job by hoofing clear. That was a fine run by Mbappé, his first major contribution to the match. He had João Cancelo on toast.

20 min: … so having said that, France go up the other end, Hernández cutting in from the left and sending a low swerver goalwards. Diogo Costa, Portugal’s hero against Slovenia, parries clear.

19 min: Kolo Muani and Koundé pair up on Rafael Leão as the winger perambulates down the left. But they still can’t stop Leão winning a corner. Koundé heads the set piece clear. It’s been a good few minutes for Portugal.

17 min: … but Portugal come again, Bruno Fernandes creaming a low shot that’s deflected wide right for a corner. The whistle goes at the set piece as a result of Ronaldo’s over-exuberant shoving. There goes that pressure!

15 min: Maignan nearly trips over himself while dealing with a simple backpass, and clanks the ball out for a corner. He’s lucky that Bruno Fernandes’s delivery is again poor, and the keeper claims easily to clean up his own mess.

14 min: Then again, the Cruyff Turn didn’t lead to anything either, but some things are more valuable than goals.

12 min: An outrageous piece of skill out on the left touchline, as Rafael Leão nutmegs Koundé with a back-heel, sending Nuno Mendes into acres of space. Sadly the subsequent cross is a nightmare. Such a shame that didn’t lead to something tangible for Portugal.

11 min: … and again he dispatches a poor, flat effort that’s easily cleared. “Thank heavens the game is now underway, and I have 45 minutes of freedom from Fox TV’s mindless contributions to the occasion,” sighs Eric Peterson. “From their pre-game analysis, if you can even call it that, the next couple of hours should simply be Mbappe and Ronaldo playing tennis at Wimbledon, for all we can tell. Apparently, the other 20 players and concepts like strategy and tactics are supposedly beyond the ken of the American audience. So infuriating to once again see Fox (and the equally guilty ESPN) treat its football audience so condescendingly.”

You’ll enjoy this.

10 min: Bruno Fernandes takes. His flat delivery isn’t particularly good, but Koundé hacks out for a corner. Fernandes will take this set piece as well …

9 min: It’s Arsenal versus Manchester United out on the Portuguese left, and Saliba skittles Bruno Fernandes to the floor. A chance for Portugal to load the box.

8 min: Leão sends Nuno Mendes into space on the overlap down the left. Mendes crosses but Koundé clears.

6 min: Portugal enjoy a bit of sustained possession for the first time. Both teams putting feelers out, nothing more.

4 min: Rafael Leão takes on Upamecano down the left flank. He gets ahead of his man then cuts inside to leave him sprawling. The ball infield is no good, but that’s a positive sign for Portugal. Could Leão have the big defender’s number?

3 min: Bruno Fernandes takes Portugal’s first significant touch, attempting to release Rafael Leão down the left with a long diagonal rake. Upamecano intercepts and France get back to stroking it around again.

2 min: France are immediately on the front foot all the early possession. Hernández probes down the left, Kanté down the right. Kolo Muani finds a pocket of space to the right of the box but can’t find anyone with his low pass infield.

The coaches Roberto Martinez and Didier Deschamps embrace warmly, the captains Cristiano Ronaldo and Kylian Mbappé exchange pennants, Mbappé pulls on his mask … and France get the ball rolling. Here we go, then! Spain await!

The teams are out! Portugal in red shirts with green trousers, France in second-choice white tops with blue breeks. A rare old atmosphere at the Volksparkstadion in Hamburg. We’ll be off once coins are tossed and fists bumped.

The national anthems. Rendered in cutting-edge 16-bit …

… and 8-bit technology.

Spain have just knocked out the hosts Germany to reach the semis. They’ll lie in wait for the winners of this match in Munich on Tuesday evening. Barry Glendenning has the details of a slow-burning match that finished in extremely dramatic fashion.

While we’re on a retro tip, here’s what happened last time round to both teams at Euro 2024. (This still technically counts as retro, just not so retro.)

Portugal and France have met at the Euros on two other occasions. Here’s what happened the last time they locked horns …

… and here’s the time before that, the high-water mark in the Seleção Portuguesa de Futebol’s history.

Those classic semi-final showdowns. Presented lovingly for your retro pleasure.

Both teams, having come this far, are in no mood to make radical changes to a winning formula. Portugal name the same XI that started the goalless draw with, and subsequent penalty shootout victory over, Slovenia. France make two changes after their 1-0 win over Belgium. Eduardo Camavinga and Randal Kolo Muani come in for Marcus Thuram, who drops to the bench, and the suspended Adrien Rabiot.