Here’s Nick Ames with his report from Monte Carlo …

Plus Jonathan Wilson’s analysis:

Last but not least (OK, possibly also least) – here are the fixtures for the other eight pot four teams.

Stuttgart: PSG (H), Real Madrid (A), Atalanta (H), Juventus (A), Young Boys (H), Red Star (A), Sparta Prague (H), S Bratislava (A).

Girona: Liverpool (H), PSG (A), Arsenal (H), Milan (A), Feyenoord (H), PSV (A), Slovan Bratislava (H), Sturm Graz (A).

Bologna: Dortmund (H), Liverpool (A), Shakhtar (H), Benfica (A), Lille (H), Sporting (A), Monaco (H), Aston Villa (A).

Brest: Real Madrid (H), Barcelona (A), Leverkusen (H), Shakhtar (A), PSV (H), Salzburg (A), Sturm Graz (H), Sparta Prague (A).

Sparta Prague: Inter (H), Man City (A), Atletico (H), Leverkusen (A), Salzburg (H), Feyenoord (A), Brest (H), Stuttgart (A).

Slovan Bratislava: Man City (H), Bayern (A), Milan (H), Atletico (A), Dinamo Zagreb (H), Celtic (A), Stuttgart (H), Girona (A).

Sturm Graz: Leipzig (H), Dortmund (A), Club Brugge (H), Atalanta (A), Sporting CP (H), Lille (A), Girona (H) and Brest (A).

Monaco: Barcelona (H), Inter (A), Benfica (H), Arsenal (A), Red Star (H), Dinamo Zagreb (A), Aston Villa (H), Bologna (A).

Here are the fixtures for the eight other pot three teams:

Young Boys: Inter (H), Barcelona (A), Atalanta (H), Shakhtar (A), Red Star (H), Celtic (A), Aston Villa (H), Stuttgart (A).

Lille: Real Madrid (H), Liverpool (A), Juventus (H), Atletico (A), Feyenoord (H), Sporting CP (A), Sturm Graz (H), Bologna (A).

PSV Eindhoven: Liverpool (H), PSG (A), Shakhtar (H), Juventus (A), Sporting (H), Red Star (A), Girona (H) and Brest (A).

Feyenoord: Bayern (H), Man City (A), Leverkusen (H), Benfica (A), Salzburg (H), Lille (A), Sparta Prague (H), Girona (A).

Dinamo Zagreb: Dortmund (H), Bayern (A), Milan (H), Arsenal (A), will also play Celtic (H), Salzburg (A), Monaco (H), Slovan Bratislava (A).

Crvena Zvezda: Barcelona (H), Inter (A), Benfica (H), Milan (A), PSV (H), Young Boys (A), Stuttgart (H), Monaco (A).

Red Bull Salzburg: PSG (H), Real Madrid (A), Atletico (H), Leverkusen (A), Dinamo Zagreb (H), Feyenoord (A), Brest (H), Sparta Prague (A).

Sporting CP: Man City (H), Leipzig (A), Arsenal (H), Club Brugge (A), Lille (H), PSV (A), Bologna (H), Sturm Graz (A).

Here are the pot two teams’ fixtures, Arsenal aside:

Atlético: Leipzig (H), PSG (A), Leverkusen (H), Benfica (A), Lille (H), Salzburg (A), Slovan Bratislava (H), Sparta Prague (A).

Bayer Leverkusen: Inter (H), Liverpool (A), Atlético (A), Milan (H), Salzburg (H), Feyenoord (A), Sparta Prague (H), Brest (A).

Benfica: Barcelona (H), Bayern (A), Atletico (H), Juventus (A), Feyenoord (H), Red Star (A), Bologna (H), Monaco (A).

Milan: Liverpool (H), Real Madrid (A), Brugge (H), Leverkusen (A), Red Star (H), Dinamo Zagreb (A), Girona (H), Slovan Bratislava (A).

Juventus: Man City (H), Leipzig (A), Benfica (H), Club Brugge (A), PSV (H), Lille (A), Stuttgart (H), Aston Villa (A).

Atalanta: Real Madrid (H), Barcelona (A), Arsenal (H), Shakhtar Donetsk (A), Celtic (H), Young Boys (A), Sturm Graz (H), Stuttgart (A).

Club Brugge: Dortmund (H), Man City (A), Juventus (H), Milan (A), Sporting CP (H), Celtic (A), Aston Villa (H) and Sturm Graz (A).

Shakhtar Donetsk: Bayern (H), Dortmund (A), Atalanta (H), Arsenal (A), Young Boys (H), PSV (A), Brest (H) and Bologna (A).

“Is everyone at Uefa high on mushrooms?” asks Peter Oh. “Because this is the most bizarre Champignons League draw ever!”

And, in the interest of balance, Roger Kirkby thinks this just might work. “Not many dead rubbers, and big teams have to pull their finger out in every game. The minnows will be going for draws against big teams, and I can see more than a few upsets.”

I’ll run through the rest of the pots shortly, but if you can’t wait – or you want to watch the whole saga again, you can do so via Uefa’s official site.

“There is no way to get one’s head around how this will all work out, with one exception. Every team in Pot One will advance. Super League here we come!” roars Joe Pearson. This is the thing; plenty of tasty-looking fixtures but will they actually matter that much, in the grand scheme of things?

“James Joyce would have been so happy had he been alive today. This draw, and your rapid fire coverage of the same, beats Ulysses to second spot in the most perplexing work of all time,” writes Krishna Moorthy. And in nine months, Real Madrid are just going to win it anyway.

And finally … Sturm Graz! The Austrian champions face Leipzig (H), Dortmund (A), Club Brugge (H), Atalanta (A), Sporting CP (H), Lille (A), Girona (H) and Brest (A).

Monaco will play Barcelona (H), Inter (A), Benfica (H), Arsenal (A), Red Star (H), Dinamo Zagreb (A), Aston Villa (H), Bologna (A).

Slovan Bratislava, despite being drawn at least 200 times, will only face Man City (H), Bayern (A), Milan (H), Atletico (A), Dinamo Zagreb (H), Celtic (A), Stuttgart (H), Girona (A).

Sparta Prague will play Inter (H), Man City (A), Atletico (H), Leverkusen (A), Salzburg (H), Feyenoord (A), Brest (H), Stuttgart (A). All pre-selected and overall a fairly horrid draw.

European debutants Brest will face Real Madrid (H), Barcelona (A), Leverkusen (H), Shakhtar (A), PSV (H), Salzburg (A), Sturm Graz (H) and Sparta Prague (A). Bonne chance.

Bologna will play Dortmund (H), Liverpool (A), Shakhtar (H), Benfica (A), Lille (H), Sporting (A), Monaco (H) … Aston Villa (A)!

Girona will play Liverpool (H), PSG (A), Arsenal (H), Milan (A), Feyenoord (H), PSV (A), Slovan Bratislava (H), Sturm Graz (A). It feels like I’ve written Slovan Bratislava about 300 times.

Bundesliga runners-up Stuttgart face PSG (H), Real Madrid (A), Atalanta (H), Juventus (A), Young Boys (H), Red Star (A) and … Sparta Prague (H), S Bratislava (A).

Finally, Pot Four, which includes Aston Villa. Each time already has six opponents decided, it’s just a case of which other P4 teams they draw. OK?

Sporting CP of Lisbon draw: Man City (H), Leipzig (A), Arsenal (H), Club Brugge (A), Lille (H), PSV (A), Bologna (H), Sturm Graz (A).

Red Bull Salzburg play PSG (H), Real Madrid (A), Atletico (H), Leverkusen (A), Dinamo Zagreb (H), Feyenoord (A), Brest (H), Sparta Prague (A).

Red Star Belgrade (Crvena Zvezda) will play Barcelona (H), Inter (A), Benfica (H), Milan (A), PSV (H), Young Boys (A), Stuttgart (H), Monaco (A). Now perhaps we’re starting to see how brutal some fixture lists will be for lower-ranked teams.

Dinamo Zagreb, already drawn against Dortmund (H), Bayern (A), Milan (H), Arsenal (A), will also play Celtic (H), Salzburg (A), Monaco (H), Slovan Bratislava (A).

Staying in the Netherlands with Feyenoord, who face Bayern (H), Man City (A), Leverkusen (H), Benfica (A), Salzburg (H), Lille (A), Sparta Prague (H), Girona (A). Good luck to them.

PSV Eindhoven, runaway Eredivisie winners, face Liverpool (H), PSG (A), Shakhtar (H), Juventus (A), plus Sporting (H), Red Star (A), Girona (H) and Brest (A).

Lille, who made it in via the playoffs, face Real Madrid (H), Liverpool (A), Juventus (H), Atletico (A), Feyenoord (H), Sporting CP (A), Sturm Graz (H), Bologna (A).

First out, Young Boys of Switzerland, who face: Inter (H), Barcelona (A), Atalanta (H), Shakhtar (A), Red Star (H), Celtic (A), Aston Villa (H) and Stuttgart (A).

Pot Three now, with a lot of fixtures already in place. Celtic are the only British team in this pot.

Shakhtar Donetsk will play Bayern (H), Dortmund (A), Atalanta (H), Arsenal (A), Young Boys (H), PSV (A), Brest (H) and Bologna (A).

Juventus will face Man City (H), Leipzig (A), Benfica (H), Club Brugge (A), PSV (H), Lille (A), Stuttgart (H) and Aston Villa (A). Villa hosting Bayern and Juventus!

Milan will play Liverpool (H), Real Madrid (A), Brugge (H), Leverkusen (A), Red Star (H), Dinamo Zagreb (A), Girona (H), Slovan Bratislava (A).

Benfica will play Barcelona (H), Bayern (A), Atletico (H), Juventus (A), Feyenoord (H), Red Star (A), Bologna (H), Monaco (A).

Bayer Leverkusen will face Inter (H), Liverpool (A), Atlético (A), Milan (H), Salzburg (H), Feyenoord (A), Sparta Prague (H), Brest (A).

Club Brugge will play Dortmund (H) and Man City (A), plus Juventus (H), Milan (A), Sporting CP (H), Celtic (A), Aston Villa (H) and Sturm Graz (A).

Europa League winners Atalanta will play Real Madrid (H), Barcelona (A), Arsenal (H), Shakhtar Donetsk (A), Celtic (H), Young Boys (A), Sturm Graz (H), Stuttgart (A).

Pot 2 time, starting with Atlético Madrid. They face Leipzig (H), PSG (A), Leverkusen (H), Benfica (A), Lille (H), Salzburg (A), Slovan Bratislava (H) and Sparta Prague (A).

They absolutely raced through the first pot, almost like they were embarrassed by the whole thing – but it’s clearly thrown up some interesting fixtures, all caveats and uncertainty aside. To clarify: These fixtures are not in date order, only pot order. The full fixture list will be released on Saturday (!)

“As we all suspected, the big blue button that Cristiano is pushing is, of course, a complete fake,” notes Charles Antaki. “Barcelona’s list came up on screen just that microsecond before he got there to push down. Oh the disillusion!”

Finally, Paris Saint-Germain face Man City (H), Bayern (A), Atlético (H), Arsenal (A), PSV (H), Salzburg (A), Girona (H), Stuttgart (A).

“What do you think of that, Gigi?” they ask chief ball-selector Buffon. “I don’t know,” is his admirably honest reply.

Real Madrid next – the speed of this draw is quite something – and the defending champions play Dortmund (H), Liverpool (A), Milan (H), Atalanta (A), Salzburg (H), Lille (A), Stuttgart (H), Brest (A).

Barcelona are next out – and they face Bayern (H) and Dortmund (A). Their other fixtures are … Atalanta (H), Benfica (A), Young Boys (H), Red Star (A), Brest (H), Monaco (A). Plenty of short journeys for away fans, there.

A third German team in a row, with last season’s finalists Dortmund up next. They get Barcelona (H), Real Madrid (A), Shakhtar (H), Brugge (A), Celtic (H), Dinamo Zagreb (A), Sturm Graz (H), Bologna (A).

Who have RB Leipzig got, I hear you ask. Liverpool (H), Inter (A), Juventus (H), Atlético (A), Sporting (H), Celtic (A), Aston Villa (H), Sturm Graz (A).

Bayern Munich will play PSG (H), Barcelona (A), Benfica (H), Shakhtar (A), Dinamo Zagreb (H), Feyenoord (A), Slovan Bratislava (H) and Aston Villa (A) in a rematch of the 1982 European Cup final.

Next up, it’s Italian champions Internazionale. They will play Manchester City (away) as already drawn – their other games are Leipzig (H), Arsenal (H), Leverkusen (A), Red Star (H), Young Boys (A), Monaco (H), Sparta Prague (A).

Here’s an explainer from Nick Ames:

And here are my thoughts on this whole business:

“This new format is very ‘Quizzlestick’,” notes Paul Kelly.

Indeed, Paul, with a sprinkling of Numberwang and a structure built around Alan Partridge’s Soccermeter.

Now, we’re promised, it’s time for the draw in a brand new format! Uefa are really leaning in to the complexities – they’ve cut to a promotional video starring Buffon, Rodri, Robbie Keane, Kate Abdo and many more. They are collectively baffled by the new “league phase” format, haranguing Ceferin en masse at an Italian theatre.

Ceferin then confronts the key protagonist – oh look, it’s Zlatan Ibrahimovic! And he’s here to tell us that actually, this new Swiss-style set up is “what the fans want”. “You might even call it a Super League,” he adds, partially redeeming this whole exercise.

Now an award for Cristiano Ronaldo, who is here in person to collect the prize for the Champions League’s all-time top scorer. There’s some joshing about the fact he’s not playing in the tournament any more, and he’s asked what his favourite Champions League title is.

Ronaldo mentions Manchester United’s 2008 victory over Chelsea, and the first one with Real Madrid after which “the Champions Leagues flowed like ketchup”.

The Uefa chief executive, Aleksander Ceferin, is here to give out some gongs for his all-time best Champions League players. First up, his pick for the top goalkeeper: Gigi Buffon! Hard to argue with that choice, although he’s never actually won the Champions League.

Thanks, Michael and hello, everyone. How we feelin’ tonight?! The big bash is under way in Monaco, with an opera singer on stage in glittering attire to perform the entire Champions League anthem, in front of a montage of European Cup-winning moments.

I am simply the hype man, sent on early to warm up the crowd. Niall McVeigh will take the blog for the actual draw/main event. Enjoy!

Uefa are calling this the ‘League Phase Draw’, if you can decipher that.

These are the pots for the draw. It is obviously some sort of seeding system, composed according to the club coefficient rankings established at the beginning of the season and with the Champions League titleholder being the top seed in Pot One.

Pots

Pot One
1. Real Madrid (ESP)
2. Manchester City (ENG)
3. Bayern Munich (GER)
4. Paris Saint-Germain (FRA)
5. Liverpool (ENG)
6. Internazionale (ITA)
7. Borussia Dortmund (GER)
8. RB Leipzig (GER)
9. Barcelona (ESP)

Pot Two
10. Bayer Leverkusen (GER)
11. Atlético Madrid (ESP)
12. Atalanta (ITA)
13. Juventus (ITA)
14. Benfica (POR)
15. Arsenal (ENG)
16. Club Brugge KV (BEL)
17. Shakhtar Donetsk (UKR)
18. Milan (ITA)

Pot Three
19. Feyenoord (NED)
20. Sporting Lisbon (POR)
21. PSV Eindhoven (NED)
22. GNK Dinamo (CRO)
23. RB Salzburg (AUT)
24. Lille (FRA)
25. Red Star Belgrade (SRB)
26. Young Boys (SUI)
27. Celtic (SCO)

Pot Four
28. Slovan Bratislava (SVK)
29. Monaco (FRA)
30. Sparta Praha (CZE)
31. Aston Villa (ENG)
32. Bologna 1909 (ITA)
33. Girona (ESP)
34. Stuttgart (GER)
35. Sturm Graz (AUT)
36. Brest (FRA)

This is Uefa’s explanation to what the pots actually mean, and how the draw will take place.

Once the name of the team is displayed, the automated software randomly draws eight opponents for this team, two from each pot (1, 2, 3 and 4), including, for each opponent, whether they are played at home or away. The order of allocation of opponents starts with pot 1 (two opponents), followed by the other pots in descending order. The software draws the possible valid opponents from all pots respecting the above-mentioned draw conditions, and ensuring that a valid allocation is made, guaranteeing the full draw and match schedule in line with the competition calendar can be completed for all teams. This allocation by the software is made within a predefined time limit.

Once a valid allocation has been drawn by the software, the opponents and which matches are played at home or away will be revealed. The procedure is then repeated for all remaining teams of pot one.

Got it? Good.

Rather than a former champion fumbling around a bag of balls, or Rod Steward making faces at the cameras, this format of the draw does have some added jeapardy: cyber attack.

“We’re taking cybersecurity incredibly seriously,” said Dave Gill, the chief executive of AE Live. “Clearly this is a sensitive issue. I’m reluctant to go into details about what we’re doing but I can assure you we’ve taken all steps we can to make sure this is as safe and secure as possible.” Gill said his company was on the receiving end of attacks while working on the Qatar 2022 draw for Fifa after Russia’s illegal invasion of Ukraine. “We’ve experienced this,” he added. “We’ve been through risk assessments and put precautions in place.”