The NRL finals are here. As the nine teams who didn’t make the cut jet off to Bali to nurse their wounds and cause some international incidents, rugby league’s finest are getting ready to beat the tar out of each other in pursuit of premiership glory.
But which bandwagon should the casual footy observer jump on? A proven contender? An outside chance? Or the correct choice, the Penrith Panthers? (Disclaimer – I have been a Panthers tragic since kindy.)
Here’s a handy guide for the fairweather fan.
Melbourne Storm
This one’s a tough sell. A big-money team of Queensland expats in a town that regards rugby league with indifference at best, the Storm have set the standard for excellence in the NRL for almost their entire history. With fullback Ryan Papenhuyzen and his filthy mullet in full flight after years of horror injuries, the Storm are cruising towards their umpteenth grand final with the smooth predictability of a Swiss watch.
Barrack for if: You support Man City in the Premier League.
Barrack against if: You want to see coach Craig “Bellyache” Bellamy finally have a rage-induced coronary.
Penrith Panthers
Over the past five years, the Panthers have gone from “almost good sometimes” to one of the competition’s Big Three. Nathan Cleary’s prowess at halfback and indomitable chin have steered Penrith to three consecutive premierships. With club titans Jarome Luai and James Fisher-Harris leaving at season’s end, the Panthers want to stamp their authority on the game one last time.
For a great many people, the thought of the same team winning the comp four years in a row is about as appealing as watching NRL 360 on Fox Sports. For true aficionados (ie Panthers fans), it’s a chance to see a sporting feat that may never come around again.
Barrack for if: You wish to witness history.
Barrack against if: You have no romance in your soul.
Sydney Roosters
The Roosters looked to be genuine title contenders before playmakers Sam Walker and Brandon Smith suffered season-ending injuries. Even if their premiership hopes have taken a blow, the Roosters should play some highly entertaining finals footy, especially if captain James Tedesco’s bum continues its baffling tendency to explode out of his pants.
This is also the final year of the partnership between the Roosters and Steggles, purveyors of fine chicken – objectively the funniest sponsorship deal in sport. So, there’s that.
Barrack for if: You believe the Footy Gods move in mysterious ways.
Barrack against if: You believe the Footy Gods do everything for a reason.
Cronulla Sharks
The Sharks have been the worst good team in the NRL for a few years now, breezing through the regular season only to fall flat in the finals. With exciting young talent such as centre Kayal Iro, finally free of Scott Morrison’s cursed presence at Shark Park, and boasting a strong contingent of players with superfluous Ys in their names (bless you, Blayke, Braydon and Jayden), 2024 is as good a year as any for the Sharks to shake off the “chokers” tag and prove the haters wrong.
Barrack for if: You want to reclaim the phrase “let’s go Sharks”.
Barrack against if: You, like captain Cam McInnes’ mum, are worried sick about his busted face.
North Queensland Cowboys
The only Queensland team to make this year’s finals, the Cowboys have hit a run of form after a rollercoaster season and are arguably the top eight’s most underrated side. At year’s end the club will also be bidding farewell to Kyle Feldt and Jake Granville, two veterans of their legendary grand final victory in 2015, and will be looking to send them off with a bang. With a bit of luck, they could repeat the fairytale finals run they went on in 2017.
Barrack for if: You like a feelgood story.
Barrack against if: You live south of the 29th parallel.
Canterbury-Bankstown Bulldogs
The heart and soul of south-west Sydney, the once-mighty Bulldogs are back in the finals for the first time in eight years – and, in true Doggies fashion, they’re making their fans miserable before they have even started.
After a year of playing exciting, stoic footy, in the past three weeks the wheels have fallen off at Canterbury-Bankstown, big time. Back-to-back floggings in the final two games of the regular season were compounded last week when star winger Josh Addo-Carr allegedly returned a positive result during a roadside drug test.
Barrack for if: You love an underdog.
Barrack against if: You disapprove of drug test sagas.
Manly-Warringah Sea Eagles
This year’s dark horses, the Sea Eagles, somehow beat the Storm, Panthers and Roosters in the 2024 regular season while also losing to the Wests Tigers. If the bodies of ageing stars Daly Cherry-Evans and Tom Trbojevic can hold together long enough, the Sea Eagles might have the best chance of ending the Big Three’s near-decade of grand final dominance. If not, they’ll be back to racing boozy punters on the Corso.
Barrack for if: You enjoy players with three last names.
Barrack against if: You have friends south of the Harbour Bridge.
Newcastle Knights
The team least likely to go all the way, and thus the romantic choice. After years in the doldrums, including three consecutive wooden spoons after their mining billionaire owner went bankrupt, the Knights have finally cobbled together back-to-back finals appearances and hope to relive the glory days of the Johns brothers. If they somehow go on a run to the decider, expect celebrations in the Hunter to register on the Richter scale.
Also, I am reliably informed by family members with zero interest in rugby league that Kalyn Ponga is the best-looking man in the NRL. That’s not a high bar to clear, but it’s certainly something to consider.
Barrack for if: You believe in miracles.
Barrack against if: You want justice for the Dolphins.
