Finally, it comes to a close. Timothy Castagne blazes over the bar for Fulham before Ryan Ledson, who scored during normal time, seals victory for Preston.

Endrick puts an end to proceedings with a staggering third goal in injury time, beginning in his own half on the counter before thundering in a shot from around 25 yards.

Nine! A bizarre scoreline, aided by three penalties for Harry Kane. Leon Goretzka, presumably suffering from FOMO, nabbed a late one.

Ashley Young misses in the shootout for Everton to give the Saints victory. The boys from Goodison are having a tough time of it at the moment.

Christian Eriksen nabs a second – no one fancies a hat-trick in this one, Harry – before the final whistle. Manchester United comfortably avoid an upset and Marcus Rashford has three goals in two games; life looks good for Erik ten Hag once again.

The carnage continues – remember when it was 3-2? This time it’s Leroy Sané for Bayern, finding the bottom corner from the edge of the box.

They always find a way. Antonio Rüdiger leaps highest from Luka Modric’s corner to nod in for Madrid and restore their lead.

Leyton Orient took an early lead in this one, but Brentford responded with three before the half-time whistle.

Eberechi Eze’s winner at his old playground is enough to send Crystal Palace into the next round.

The rout continues at Old Trafford, with Christian Eriksen gliding into the box to get on the end of Bruno Fernandes’ ball from the left.

Another penalty, another goal for Harry Kane. He’s having a wonderful evening, making my job a lot harder in the process. Stop scoring, please.

It’s another hat-trick for Harry Kane – he got one on the weekend, too – slotting in his second penalty of the game. He’s also gone past Wayne Rooney tonight to become the leading English goalscorer in the Champions League.

Deniz Undav equalises for the German side! It comes from a corner, flicked on towards the far post, where the volleyed ball across goal finds Undav free for a header.

Remember that thing I said about a Dinamo comeback? Kane gets his second by following up on a rebound before being denied a third two minutes later, the goal disallowed due to offside. Nevermind, though, because Michael Olise has a brace, rolling the ball into an empty net after Musiala lays it off.

Garnacho and Rashford both have braces now, United thoroughly enjoying this Tuesday night kickabout.

Kylian Mbappé is up and running in the Champions League for Real Madrid. Rodrygo does the hard work, skipping down the right wing to get on to a through ball before squaring for the Frenchman, who just has to tuck the ball into an empty net.

There’s a comeback brewing at the Allianz! Dinamo hit back through two goals in two minutes, with Takuya Ogiwara slotting through the legs of the keeper to make it 3-2.

It had to be. Eberechi Eze scores against his former club to restore Palace’s lead.

Reiss Nelson finds the net after receiving a cut-back from the left – that’s his first goal for Fulham.

Game on at Loftus Road as Sam Field levels things up after a game of pinball inside the box from a corner.

A joyous first-half for Erik ten Hag’s side is rounded off by a goal for Alejandro Garnacho, the ball bouncing right for him after Marcus Rashford is dispossessed inside the box.

Bayern are causing mayhem, the three points already bagged here. First it’s Raphaël Guerreiro, smashing in on the half-volley after a chested lay-off from Jamal Musiala. Michael Olise then gets in on the fun, heading in from a short-corner routine for his second goal in as many games.

Antony, the forgotten man, wins a penalty after going down from the keeper’s challenge. He’s the man to take it, too, scoring despite the keeper diving to the correct side.

And the fun continues for Brentford after that early hint of jeopardy. Christian Norgaard, the skipper, makes it three.

Upset watch: Ryan Ledson perfectly places a low first-time hit from the edge of the box to give Preston the lead against Fulham.

Harry Kane steps up on penalty duties for Bayern to provide an early lead for the hosts after Aleksandar Pavlovic is brought down in the area.

Taylor Harwood-Bellis gets the Saints back on track, heading in from a free-kick at Goodison Park.

It’s a wonderful team and solo goal from Manchester United. They work it from the back through to Alejandro Garnacho, who finds Marcus Rashford on the right with a diagonal ball. Rashford’s first touch is perfect before he drifts gracefully into the box to calmly slot home.

Leyton Orient’s joy is incredibly short-lived as their lead is overturned, Mikkel Damsgaard heading in from Carvalho’s cross.

After a game of head-volley from a corner it’s Abdoulaye Doucouré who gets the final touch to give Everton the lead in the all-Premier League clash.

Eddie Nketiah has his first goal for Crystal Palace, lacing the ball into the net after it was rolled into his path inside the box from a sneaky Eberechi Eze free-kick.

Ignore my previous post: Brentford are back in business, baby. Fábio Carvalho equalises with a top finish, an overhead kick on the six-yard line after a save from the keeper saw the ball lob up in the air.

Upset alert! Brandon Cooper gives the League One side the lead against the Premier League team, tucking in at the far post from close range.

Michael Olise, who scored his first goal for Bayern on the weekend, is rewarded with a start in the Champions League.

Madrid ring the changes from their 2-0 win over Real Sociedad on the weekend. The ins: Lucas Vásquez, Aurélien Tchouaméni, Jude Bellingham and Rodrygo. The outs: Éder Militão, Luka Modric, Arda Guler and Brahim Díaz.

Manuel Ugarte, the new boy, makes his first start for Manchester United, with Casemiro getting the captain’s armband.

Real Madrid v Stuttgart. Bayern Munich v Dinamo Zagreb. Manchester United v, um, Barnsley. Yes, it’s time for the Champions League-Carabao clockwatch, a strange hotchpotch but an enjoyable service I’m happy to provide. I’ll keep you updated on the goals, reds, potential strike action, whatever catches the eye.

We’re already underway in Europe – there’s a lot to squeeze in this year – with Juventus hosting PSV and Aston Villa up against the peculiarly named Young Boys. Feel free to get in touch with your thoughts, queries and do please let me know if you’ve ever actually drank the Carabao Energy Drink. Book recommendations are always welcome.