That’s all for tonight’s Clockwatch. Thanks as always for your company and emails. It wasn’t the greatest advert for the new Champions League, but it beats watching Pine Barrens again. Right?

Match report: Slovan Bratislava 0-4 Manchester City

This had become akin to an attacking exercise for City. A Foden attempt was parried by Takac on to the post and Slovan escaped again, as the drummer behind the keeper’s goal led Slovan’s tifosi in endless chants that created a festive atmosphere despite the score. Guardiola was not content, though, with City’s sloppiness, Foden a main culprit, as when losing the ball, forcing Haaland to gallop back to help, the manager wheeling round to grumble to his coaching staff at this.

Match report: Arsenal 2-0 Paris Saint-Germain

Three years ago Arsenal weren’t even in Europe; now they’re one of the best teams in Europe. David Hytner was at the Emirates to watch them beat PSG.

Match report: Dortmund 7-1 Celtic

The Champions League has a habit of inflicting these inglorious episodes on Celtic. It is difficult to shake the notion that this big fish simply cannot swim when removed from its small domestic pond.

Tomorrow’s fixture list is reasonably mouthwatering, with Aston Villa v Bayern Munich standing out to this weary pair of eyes.

• Girona v Feyenoord

• Shakhtar v Atalanta

• Aston Villa v Bayern

• Benfica v Atletico Madrid

• Dinamo Zagreb v Monaco

• Lille v Real Madrid

• Liverpool v Bologna

• RB Leipzig v Juventus

• Sturm Graz v Club Brugge

The updated Champions League table

Ignore the bit at the bottom; apparently our automated feed is trolling Celtic.

87 min: Leverkusen 1-0 Milan Ruben Loftus-Cheek hooks a shot on the turn that is punched away by the keeper Hradecky. Sounds like it’s been all Milan since Leverkusen took the lead.

GOAL! PSV 1-1 Sporting CP (Braganca 84) The Portuguese leaders are level in Eindhoven thanks to the substitute Daniel Braganca. It was a neat finish, volleyed into the roof of the net from a deflected left-wing cross.

Actually, replays suggest he might have shinned it, not that he’ll care.

83 min: Leverkusen 1-0 AC Milan Theo Hernandez hits the bar with a deflected long-range, and the substitute Alvaro Morata heads the rebound just wide. Eek, that was a terrific chance.

Newcastle have beaten AFC Wimbledon 1-0 in the Carabao Cup. Fabian Schar scored a penalty just before half-time; the stats (77 per cent possession, 20 shots to none) suggest a deceptively comfortable win.

The latest scores

• Arsenal 2-0 Paris Saint-Germain

• Barcelona 5-0 Young Boys

• Dortmund 7-1 Celtic

• Inter 4-0 Red Star

• Leverkusen 1-0 Milan

• PSV Eindhoven 1-0 Sporting CP

• Slovan Bratislava 0-4 Manchester City

• Salzburg 0-4 Brest (FT)

• Stuttgart 1-1 Sparta Prague (FT)

GOAL! Barcelona 5-0 Young Boys (Camara own goal 81)

GOAL! Inter 4-0 Red Star (Taremi 82 pen) After a VAR review that went on for a couple of millennia, Mehdi Taremi scores from the spot to put Inter 4-0 ahead.

Most of the matches are petering out, though Milan are pushing hard for an equaliser in Leverkusen. Xabi Alonso is happy to cut his clo- oh lordy, hang on.

72 min: Arsenal 2-0 Paris Saint-Germain

PSG have the aura of a team who suddenly fancy getting back into this, and the denizens of the Emirates sense it. The first half was comfortable for the hosts; the second, despite the scoreline, doesn’t feel the same.

“Hi Rob,” says Peter Oh, and here it comes folks. “Celtic are getting licked like an envelope!”

The value of the exclamation mark, right there.

GOAL! Inter 3-0 Red Star (Lautaro Martinez 72) Look, not every game can be infused with jeopardy! Mehdi Taremi gets his second pressing-based assist, winning the ball before playing in Lautaro Martinez to make it three.

“As soon as I saw that Brendan Rogers had been talking next levels before Dortmund had been played,” begins Ian Copestake, “I began to have recurring visions of envelopes.”

I felt sorry for Brendon over that business. Lord Ferg did a similar thing 19 years earlier and everyone said he was a genius fae Govan.

68 min: Dortmund 6-1 Celtic “Welp,” says James Humphries, “my (Celtic-supporting) mate had a bet on there being seven goals in it; but cashed out at half time, so I imagine he’s adopting the foetal position about now.”

His internal monologue in the 120 seconds preceding that decision would make for a cracking little radio play.

The latest scores

• Arsenal 2-0 Paris Saint-Germain

• Barcelona 4-0 Young Boys

• Dortmund 5-1 Celtic

• Inter 2-0 Red Star

• Leverkusen 1-0 Milan

• PSV Eindhoven 1-0 Sporting CP

• Slovan Bratislava 0-3 Manchester City

• Salzburg 0-4 Brest (FT)

• Stuttgart 1-1 Sparta Prague (FT)

GOAL! Inter 2-0 Red Star (Arnautovic 59) Marko Arnautovic gets his first goal of the season, sliding the ball in from 10 yards after Mehdi Taremi won the ball on the edge of the area and then picked him out with a low pass.

59 min: Slovan Bratislava 0-3 Man City Erling Haaland has done his business for the night. walking round the keeper after running onto a deadly through ball from Rico Lewis. The defending was, a-hem, imperfect but that’s not City’s problem.

Boniface’s effort means we’ve had at least one goal in all nine Champions League games. And here’s the proof.

• Arsenal 2-0 Paris Saint-Germain

• Barcelona 4-0 Young Boys

• Dortmund 5-1 Celtic

• Inter 1-0 Red Star

• Leverkusen 1-0 Milan

• PSV Eindhoven 1-0 Sporting CP

• Slovan Bratislava 0-2 Manchester City

• Salzburg 0-4 Brest (FT)

• Stuttgart 1-1 Sparta Prague (FT)

GOAL! Barcelona 4-0 Young Boys (Lewandowski 51) Two for Robert Lewandowski, four for Barcelona. It was another simple close-range finish after Martinez headed a corner back across the face of goal.

Nuttin but a number

Peep peep! Half two or Matchday Two (Evening One) is under way.

I’m off to put drops in my eyes. No, Oz, not those drops. Here’s some half-time reading to lighten the mood.

“It was a penalty because he was kicked after the ball had gone,” says Andy Flintoff. “Theatrical falls aside, that’s exactly what the referee would have seen to give it. Hope that helps.”

Well, I haven’t had chance to analyse it to the nth degree because I’m trying to cover seven games and my eyes stopped working properly after that flurry of goals around 8.10pm, but contact doesn’t always warrant a penalty. Maybe it did on this occasion, maybe it didn’t. When did we all – and I include myself in this, hence the words ‘we’ and ‘all’ - become so humourlessly certain?

39 min: Slovan Bratislava 0-2 Man City Ilkay Gundogan becomes the third City player, after Doku and Foden, to hit the woodwork.

44 min: Dortmund 5-1 Celtic Emre Can misses a chance to make it 6-1 after another electric run from Adeyemi. Brendan Rodgers shakes his head, his soul weeping silently.

Here’s Adeyemi’s second goal, a right banger.

Dortmund 4-1 Celtic “How in god’s name is that a penalty?” says James Humphries. “Even softer than Kane getting his delicate wee toesies hurt at the Euros. You can see the Dortmund lad have a wee think and then hit the deck, ffs.”

Don’t worry, these mistakes won’t happen once they bring in video referees.

The latest bleedin’ scores

• Arsenal 2-0 Paris Saint-Germain

• Barcelona 3-0 Young Boys

• Dortmund 3-1 Celtic

• Inter 1-0 Red Star

• Leverkusen 0-0 Milan

• PSV Eindhoven 1-0 Sporting CP

• Slovan Bratislava 0-2 Manchester City

• Salzburg 0-4 Brest (FT)

• Stuttgart 1-1 Sparta Prague (FT)

GOAL! Barcelona 3-0 Young Boys (Martinez 37) Inigo Martinez heads Pedri’s free-kick into the net to put Barcelona three up.

GOAL! Barcelona 2-0 Young Boys (Raphinha 34) Raphinha made the first; now he’s scored the second from close range.

Milk Cup A Fabian Schar penalty on the stroke of half time has put Newcastle ahead against AFC Wimbledon.

30 min: Slovan Bratislava 0-2 Man City Phil Foden had a shot fumbled onto the post a couple of minutes ago. City are winning without an ounce of bother.

The latest scores

• Arsenal 1-0 Paris Saint-Germain

• Barcelona 1-0 Young Boys

• Dortmund 3-1 Celtic

• Inter 1-0 Red Star

• Leverkusen 0-0 Milan

• PSV Eindhoven 1-0 Sporting CP

• Slovan Bratislava 0-2 Manchester City

• Salzburg 0-4 Brest (FT)

• Stuttgart 1-1 Sparta Prague (FT)

As things stand, the three Bs are top of the Champions League

24 min: Slovan Bratislava 0-2 Man City Jeremy Doku is in unplayable mode tonight. He played a part in the first goal, made the second and has just hit the bar with an extravagant left-foot curler.

26 min: Dortmund 2-1 Celtic This game looks really open, particularly when Dortmund are attacking. Pascal Gross was clean through on goal but tried to give the goal to somebody else and failed.

Carabao Cup department

“Still 0-0 between Newcastle and AFC Wimbledon in the Worthington Cup,” writes Chris Paraskevas. “Waking up for this at 4am is pretty much my impersonation of Paul Bettany torturing himself repeatedly in The Da Vinci Code, but there is a local magpie I’ve recently befriended and I’m expecting it over for breakfast. "Is the Champions League really more entertaining than my morning?”

It? Are you respecting its privacy?

NO GOAL! Leverkusen 0-0 Milan Frimpong was slightly offside, so he can keep his superb cross.

GOAL! Leverkusen 1-0 Milan (Boniface 21) Milan’s false start to the Champions Leaue continues: Victor Boniface has volleyed Leverkusen into a deserved lead from Jeremie Frimpong’s superb cross.

17 min: Slovan Bratislava 0-2 Man City Rico Lewis pokes a nice pass through to Erling Haaland, whose close-range shot is very well saved.

The latest scores

• Arsenal 0-0 Paris Saint-Germain

• Barcelona 1-0 Young Boys

• Dortmund 2-1 Celtic

• Inter 1-0 Red Star

• Leverkusen 0-0 Milan

• PSV Eindhoven 0-0 Sporting CP

• Slovan Bratislava 0-2 Manchester City

• Salzburg 0-4 Brest (FT)

• Stuttgart 1-1 Sparta Prague (FT)

GOAL! Inter 1-0 Red Star (Calhanoglu 11) A spectacular, if also deflected, free-kick from Hakan Calhanoglu has put Inter ahead.

12 min: Dortmund 2-1 Celtic Adeyemi’s goal came seconds after the Dortmund keeper Gregor Kobel had the ball at his feet. His long kick was laid off superbly by Guirassy to Brandt, who put Adeyemi through on goal. His shot took a big deflection off Trusty and beat Schmeichel at the near post.

GOAL! Barcelona 1-0 Young Boys (Lewandowski 8) An open goal from Raphinha’s cross on the turn.

Penalty to Dortmund Jamie Bynoe-Gittens takes advantage of a fortuitous ricochet, goes round Kasper Schmeichel and is brought down. A clear penalty.

5 min: Dortmund 0-0 Celtic All Dortmund, it says here.

2 min: Slovan Bratislava 0-0 Man City A City corner almost leads to a goal – for Bratislava. They broke with pace and precision, covering almost the length of the field before Tigran Barseghyan rifled just wide from the edge of the area.

It’s almost time for kick-off in the seven late games. Don’t forget that Arsenal v Paris Saint-Germain has a liveblog all to itself. The things we do for page impressions our readers, eh.

Friends/former colleagues reunited

There are nine more games tomorrow, including Aston Villa v Bayern Munich…

… and Liverpool v Bologna.

Read Jamie Jackson’s preview of Slovan Bratislava v Manchester City

“According to your preamble no team has ever qualified from the league stage after losing its first two games,” says Richard Hirst. “But can this apply to new Bigger Cup, with a very different league stage? Are we in a Schrodinger’s-league situation, with the league existing and not existing at the same time?”

We’re not in a Schrodinger’s-league situation so much as a weary-hack-cracking-facile-gags situation.

Dortmund v Celtic preview

We’re playing against a team that are challenging the very top end of elite football. But for us, I’ve always said, whether it’s domestically or whether it’s away in this competition, it’s making us a really difficult team to play against, with and without the ball. That’s what we want to be able to do.

GOAL! Salzburg 0-4 Brest (Pereira Lage 75)

GOAl! Salzburg 0-3 Brest (Sima 71) The greatest story in football history continues. Abdallah Sima has scored his second and Brest’s third, strengthening their hold on this season’s Champions League.

“Hi Rob, from a finally sunny Indianapolis, after four days of Helene-inspired gloom and rain!” writes Joe Pearson. “Thanks to the vast buffet that is Paramount+, I have my choice of matches. Which one is the gem of the bunch? I’m tempted by Leverkusen-Milan, but I might just go for the whiparound show. Or there’s baseball playoffs. The dilemmas of a retired American.”

If I wasn’t working I’d probably be watching Pine Barrens for the 497th time Arsenal v PSG, though the Leverkusen and Dortmund games are also appealing.

It’s David Squires, it’s great

GOAL! Salzburg 0-2 Brest (Camara 66) Mahdi Camara has doubled Brest’s lead in Austria, and you know what that means.

Breaking news that has nothing whatsoever to do with the Champions League or any European competition because the ban would only have applied to domestic games.

56 min: Stuttgart 1-1 Sparta Prague

“I recommend you look up Kairinen’s goal for Sparta Prague,” writes Kári Tulinius. “It’s the type of free kick that isn’t in fashion these days, the ball flew like it was on a VHS tape called 101 Great Free Kicks, hitting the top of the post before flying in, with the goalkeeper an inch from getting a hand to it.”

Big Cup is dead, long live Bigger Cup

It’s half-time in the two early games. Abdallah Sima has put Brest ahead at Salzburg – and top of the as-it-stands Champions League table and yes we are milking this – while Stuttgart are level at home to Sparta Prague. Enzo Millot scored for Stuttgart; Kaan Kairinen equalised for Sparta.