Hello Nick, how are you?

[With the soft mellowness of an extremely relaxed man] Good thanks, mate, and you?

Lovely as always, Nick. Now then, we're under strict orders from the people who arranged this high-level summit to start by asking you when you began playing rugby ...

It was in school.

Right, well, good thing we asked that.

[Still softly] Yeah, I was about seven or eight. I played cricket too and a bit of football but when I went to university they clashed so I had to choose. I went for rugby because I was best at that. And also because the opposite sex seemed to be more attracted to rugby players.

Can't argue with the logic. Tell us this, Nick, what was the last piece of music you bought?

It was something I downloaded from Itunes. I think it was Tinchy Stryder.

Like your rap, do you?

I don't really know. Is that rap or R'n'B or hiphop? I don't know what the differences between them are. I just know that I like listening to some of it.

But presumably before you head out onto the pitch you listen to something even more invigorating like, say, Eye of the Tiger?

[Quite insistent] No, no, no. I could listen to Tinchy Stryder in the dressing room. I do change it around a bit because otherwise it gets boring but no, we wouldn't put on Eye of the Tiger.

Nick, what was your favourite toy when you were a lad, other than sports equipment?

Probably a dump truck.

Do you still to play with it when no one is looking?

Nah, all that stuff got thrown out. I wish I still had it actually, because in its original package I could probably sell it for a fortune on eBay.

What is or was your favourite cartoon?

[Dispassionately] Probably ThunderCats or something like that.

And who is your favourite TV detective?

Columbo. I like the way he's much more clever than he lets on.

So is Small Talk. Honest. And on that note, what's your favourite vegetable?

Parsnips.

Say, Dan Hipkiss recently gave the same answer. Is the England team secretly sponsored by parnip vendors?

No. It's just that parsnips are very nice, especially roasted.

Fair enough. By contrast, what would you put into Room 101?

[Immediately] Fish cakes.

Sounds like you've had a bad experience with 'em?

Yes, some bad experiences. But let's not go into that. I'd also put obvious things like traffic jams and queues into Room 101.

Have you ever seen a ghost?

[Unconvincingly] No, not really.

No or not really?

No. Why, who has?

Well, Martin Adams may have ...

[Unmoved and unresponsive]

Do you believe in life beyond earth?

Well, there could be. I mean the universe is pretty big and it's probably a bit arrogant to think we're the only ones in it. So I wouldn't rule it out, but I really don't give the matter much thought.

Finally then, Nick, can you tell us a joke?

Yeah. [Long pause]

Let's rephrase that: will you tell us a joke please? Now.

[As if satisfied with Small Talk's formulation] Sure. Two youths were arrested last week. One had swallowed battery acid and the other was smuggling fireworks in his stomach. The police charged one and let the other off.

Boom, boom! Thanks Nick, and bye.

Cheers, mate, bye.

Nick Easter was taking part in an England Rugby team appearance in support of RBS RugbyForce, the scheme that can help your local rugby club to improve its facilities. To register your club for the official RBS RugbyForce weekend on June 5-6, visit www.rbs6nations.com/rugbyforce