It is starting to get ridiculous. Team A, seeking to play some rugby, concede a penalty in Team B's half for a relatively minor offence. Team B's ace marksman plonks down a kicking tee and, from near his own 10-metre line, kicks it through the distant uprights for three points. In many cases the ball is still going up as it bisects the posts. Welcome to the world of the monster boot, once a rarity but increasingly an everyday modern phenomenon.
Even pint-sized kickers like Ryan Lamb are winning games from their own half. I could have sworn the modestly proportioned right leg of Lamb was employed mainly for short-range kicks during his Gloucester career but, suddenly, he is landing them from 55 metres on damp nights in Dublin. François Steyn kicked another 60-odd metre howitzer for Racing Métro at Wasps on Sunday, to add to the three penalties he kicked from his own half against the All Blacks last month. Morne Steyn won a Lions series from his own half. At Leicester on Sunday, no fewer than three kickers – Jeremy Staunton, Dan Biggar and Billy Twelvetrees – took aim from a range of 50 metres or more.
The crowd tend to be impressed. Length has that effect on some people. But is it really a good thing? Watching the fusillade at the weekend, it occurred to me that rugby is in danger of encountering the same problems that confronted golf when it became apparent many of the world's top courses were being reduced to pitch-and-putt layouts by the leading pros. What's the difference between the Augusta National and Welford Road? One has Tiger Woods, the other has Twelvetrees.
Clearly technology is a major contributor. I have in my hand a press release from adidas about the ball that is being used for this year's Heineken Cup games. The Torpedo Respect ball was developed, it says, over three years in Herzogenaurach, Germany, and consists of 100% hand-stitched natural rubber with a latex and butyl-mix bladder. According to Dan Carter, the grateful All Black fly-half, "kicking accuracy is incredible". Apparently Carter has an 87% kicking success rate with adidas balls and 70% with other types. That's brand loyalty for you.
It makes you wonder how far Don Clarke or Naas Botha or Bob Hiller or Paul Thorburn or any of the game's noted kick-meisters would be belting them these days. Clarke was a 6ft 3in, 17st 6lb New Zealander who famously slotted a 65-metre penalty with his brother Ian holding the ball (before contact, not in mid-air) to beat the touring England side in 1969. By way of half-time entertainment he used to practise kicking goals from half-way, in his bare feet. In the 1960s, according to reports, a charity kicking competition was held at the Melbourne Cricket Ground. A soccer goalkeeper, Aussie Rules punter, rugby league kicker and Clarke gathered to decide which code could kick the ball the farthest. The first three were fighting it out around the 70-yard mark before Clarke strolled up and kicked the ball out of the stadium on to the adjoining road.
The Test record still belongs – just – to Thorburn's thunderbolt against Scotland at Cardiff Arms Park in 1986, measured at exactly 70 yards 8½ inches. Even that is dwarfed by the official all-time world record, an 81-yard toe-punt with an old leather ball by English schoolboy Ernie Cooper for Bridlington School in 1944. Big kicks, in themselves, are clearly nothing new but the novelty has worn off. At this rate, when Nasa decide to fire their next probe into the moon to check for water beneath the surface, they will simply ring François Steyn. "He's not a goal kicker, he's a rocket launcher," acknowledged the South African captain John Smit, referring to his team-mate's efforts in New Zealand. I suspect it may not be long before the game's administrators are forced to take a look and, perhaps, decree that penalties can only be kicked from within the defending side's half. Clarke, Thorburn and co could then rest in peace along with the rest of us. Never mind the length, feel the quality.
The next big thing
Talking of William Twelvetrees Esq, it is a while since anyone made a more eye-catching big-time debut than the Tigers' new centre. The last tall, long-striding, strong-kicking Englishman to make such an impression on this correspondent was Delon Armitage; to quote a cruel voice in the bar afterwards, he played like a skilful Lewis Moody. Billy the Kid is also tangible proof of the talent to be found in the lower leagues. As recently as last season he was plugging away for Bedford, before Leicester realised they had made a mistake in allowing the former academy player to drift away. With a bit of luck, he could yet follow Nick Easter, Dan Ward-Smith, David Strettle and Shaun Perry, all recent National One products, into the national team one day.
Raw evidence
Heineken Cup trend alert: What was the common denominator in Dublin and Northampton, where Ireland's two champion provinces lost, respectively, to English opposition? At least one Premiership coach reckons the demise of Leinster and Munster is simply explained: both went into the opening round of the tournament under-cooked compared with their more battle-hardened Premiership opponents. It is still early days but just three wins in nine attempts for Magners League sides adds ballast to the theory.
