Teams:
Chelsea: Cech, Belletti, Carvalho, Terry, Ashley Cole,
Bosingwa, Essien, Lampard, Joe Cole, Deco, Anelka.
Subs: Cudicini, Di Santo, Malouda, Bridge, Ferreira, Kalou, Alex.

Tottenham: Gomes, Zokora, Woodgate, King, Gunter, Bentley, Jenas, Modric, Bale, Giovani, Bent.
Subs: Cesar, Huddlestone, Lennon, Gilberto, Dawson, O'Hara, Assou-Ekotto.

Preamble:
No time or inclination for proper prose, so here are facts presented in efficient bullet point-type things:
- Spurs are poised to extend their pointless run to three matches as they carry over the insipid form that stained their final few months of last season
- Martin Jol may be poised to break his ample arse laughing
- Assou-Ekotto is not poised to toddle up the line and waft ineffectual crosses into Petr Cech's arms because he has been deservedly dropped
- Dimitar Berbatov continues to flounce around a curious limboland between London and Manchester, doing no one any good
- There are too many clubs in London: if the English capital is ever to produce a European Cup-winning team, the likes of Chelsea, Arsenal, Spurs, Brentford, Orient and West Ham will have to merge to form a single genuinely big club. For the £80m Roman Abramovic is rumoured to have bid for Kaka', Chelsea could easily subsume most of the others
- Jose Bosingwa at right midfield rather than in defence spells good news for my Fantasy Football team, as he will surely get more goals and assists to go with his clean sheets. Hurrah!

1.28pm: Before the teams enter the pitch, the Brazilians in Chelsea's backroom staff stop to embrace Spurs keeper Gomes. Terry and King, meanwhile, exchange a frosty handshake, with the courageous England captain studiously avoiding eye contact with his old mucker.

2 min: Chelsea get the game under way and it quickly becomes apparent that Bosingwa is not, in fact, in midfield, rather Belletti seems to be a sort of holding midfielder just behind Essien. Lampard marks the passage into the second minute with a blazing shot into the stands.

4 min: The good news for Spurs fans is that, with Gunter at right-back, Zokora has been restored to his least destructive position of central midfield. Further good news is that Bosingwa has just chopped down Bale to give Spurs a free-kick near the left-hand corner flag. Bentley curls it in, and Lampard heads it out.

5 min: Magnificent save by Gomes, who arched backwards to tip Lampard's wonderful lob just over the bar!

8 min: Lovely, zippy interplay between Giovani and Modric culminates with the former tricking his way past Belletti and into the box. Carvahlo comes across to put the ball behind for a corner. Bentley's delivery is again swept clear by Lampard.

10 min: It's a high-tempo, entertaining game so far – a little too high-tempo for Deco, who's just been booked for a late tackle on Giovani. He reacts by frowning in a way that makes him look even more like Malcolm in the Middle.

12 min: Another rapid Chelsea move ends with another Lampard shot – this was his worst one so far, hurtling well wide. At this point, the emptiness of my inbox leads me to make like Pink Floyd and croon: is there anybody OUT THERE?

15 min: Essien collapses in the box after a sliding tackle bu Gunter - "play on" mouths the ref, and rightly so. "I had the strangest dream the other day where a bunch of idiots in suits decided that Petr Cech, John Terry and Frank Lampard were each the best in Europe last season in their respective positions," shrieks Chris Kempshal in a cold sweat. In fairness Chris, that was the result of voting not by bureaucrats, but by the managers of the sides who reached the knock-out stages of last season's Champions League., including, it's true, ace football brain Avram Grant.

19 min: That match has now settled into a pattern: Chelsea monopolizing possession with Spurs defending doggedly while remaining primed to break quickly, as Modric just did there, releasing Bentley, whose shot was deflected out for a corner. Again it fails to beat the first man. "I'm here," squeals Michael Nelson, possibly like that bloke from Are you Being Served? "As a Spurs fan, I've spent the last few weeks waiting for the inevitable result of our hubris (fourth place, it's a shoo-in). It's a blessing that after Boro (!!) and Sunderland (!!!!!) thankfully we finally have someone we can lose to respectably." You're certainly a respectable second best so far in this match, Michael.

21 min: A Chelsea corner triggers anarchy in the Tottenham box, as defenders scramble to clear shots form Terry and Anelka. They survive. "Man, am I sick of Spurs uncertainty?" asks Big Brian McMahon, to which I can only respond "I don't know, are you?". "Yes, no doubt about it. Having said that, they'll probably make about eight transfer deals over the next 36 hours."

24 min: Belletti picks Anelka out with a cunning throughball. The Frenchman takes it down nicely but then wallops his shot over the bar rom 18 yards. "Im a Chelsea fan from Kosovo," announces Roshan. "I felt sad for your empty inbox and felt the obligation to write you few lines, with an urgent question. Do you have any clue why is Belletti playing at all, and secondly why is he playing where he is playing?" Well, Mikel and Ballack are injured, Sidwell was sold, Jody Morris was rightly run out of the club and into oblivion years ago, and, in fairness, he's doing fine there so far. It's perhaps just as well he's not any closer to the defence.

26 min: Essien cracks the bar with a thunderous, swirling shot from 25 yards.

28 min: Chelsea 1-0 Spurs (Bellettti 28')

28 min: Deco swung in a corner that Spurs felt should never have been awarded. Darren Bent showed his discontent in a novel way at the near post, angrily whacking thin air rather than clearing. The ball ricocheted off Belletti and into the net! A spawny goal for Chelsea, but their dominance makes it a deserved one.

31 min: Chelsea continue to lord it over their increasingly ragged inferiors. Deco whips in another corner, carefully aiming for Bent, who this time manages to connect with the ball and steer it away from the danger zone. "So that I don't have to worry about the outcome of Chelsea games I've deliberately not included any of their players in my Fantasy Football team," blubs the unfortunately named Henry Loveless. "Now I'm being trounced by less moral managers who have. Can we have a separate league please (presuming I'm not alone)? It can be called the "cut off your nose to spite your face" league?"

34 min: It's all Chelsea. The rare Spurs efforts to venture forward inevitably founder on the rock of Bent's poor control. If only Tottenham had a genuinely class striker who can both hold the ball up and play off defenders' shoulders. Apparently there's a decent Bulgarian who matches that description but I can't for the life of me remember his name. "I am at work due to the fact that we work Sundays in Dubai," boasts Peter Ward. "Why do Spurs keep signing below average players and selling them to below average clubs in the Premier League? They are literally polluting our game with terrible acquisitions. From today's squad Zokora, Gilberto, Dawson and Assou-Ekotto will probably all end up at a lower to mid-table team. Chances are it will be Sunderland. And one last thing to Spurs fans, you are not everybody's second favourite club. We all hate you and you are second only to Newcastle in the deluded fans league table." You seem to be somewhat deluded yourself, Peter: Zokora, Gilberto, Dawson and Assou-Ekotto are already at a lower-table team. You don't get much lower than bottom, after all.

37 min: Gunter and Bentley swap neat passes down the right before the full-back sends in a cross that's put behind for a corner. Bentley finally manages to get a bit of height on it, but Woodgate is penalised for jumping all over Carvahlo.

41 min: Cech charges out of his goal to prevent Bent from latching on to a hopeful clearance from the back. "So before the season started everyone was saying that Modric and Dos Santos were too small and lightweight for the Prem," recalls Steve Mitchell. "I saw both play
last weekend and that didn't seem, to be particularly the case. Modric seemed to slip a few hefty challenges, while Dos Santos has puppy fat and can hardly be called lightweight. What's the verdict today?" Both seem perfectly able to handle themselves, Steve, and both have been full of energy and enterprise. They have been at least as (in)effective as their bigger team-mates (who aren't especially numerous, it must be said). Their main problem has been that Spurs haven't been able to get enough of the ball and, simply, that Chelsea are much better.

45 min: Chelsea 1-1 Spurs (Bent 45')

45 min: For a technological reasons to annoying to repeat, there was a delay in transmission right there. Guardians boffins insist it was nothing to do with the shock of Bent finding the net. Didn't have a good view of the goal because I was punching my computer screen at the time, but apparently a Modric pass deflected conveniently off Lampard and into Bent's path. The striker, whose deadliness has never, ever been doubted on this page, slotted the ball under Cech for a sensational equaliser.

Half-time I'm going to beat up some boffins. Back soon, once justice has been served.

46 min: We have resumption. No changes. By the way, the cameras have just revealed that Fabio Capello's in the crowd. Let's hope the last minute of the first half convinces him to start with Darren Bent up front against Andorra and Croatia. Oh yes.

47 min: Giovani loses possession in his own half, to Deco of all people. He knocks it to Essien, who finds Ashley Cole free at the left-hand side of the box, and Cole fires a low shot just wide.

50 min: After a nice, patient move by Spurs, Bale rollicks down the left and wins a corner after his drilled cross is deflected behind. Bentley's delivery is decent, but again Woodgate is penalised for a clumsy jump.

51 min: Ridiculous shot by Bosingwa, whose 20-yard effort was a danger only to astronauts.

54 min: Spurs are playing with renewed vigour in this second half and Chelsea are struggling to breach them despite constant pressure. Lampard has just tried to repeat his fine lob of the first half, but this one sailed over the bar. "I am not sure about the Deco as Malcolm in the Middle line," confesses Alan Cooper. "I have been advocating Deco as Ronnie Corbett. Do you think that could catch on?" Are you sure your first name is, Alan, and not Alice? (By the way, the person who really is an exact replica of Deco is French rugby chap Dimitry Yachvili).

55 min: By the way, since Bent has been copping plenty of stick in recent weeks, it is perhaps worth pointing out that Anelka has been plod for Chelsea so far this season, and, unlike Bent, he can't blame a lack of support. He's done lots of scampering today, but sod all else.

58 min: The match, in a nutshell: Tottenham can't get out of their half, but Chelsea can't into their box. Correction" Tottenham have, in fact, just got out of their half - but shouldn't have bothered, because Bentley's subsequent cross was woeful.

60 min: Spurs substitution: Giovani off, Lennon on.

62 min: Lampard lines up a free-kick from 40 yards and hammers it … straight into the wall. Unprofessional, simply unprofessional. "OI! Where is Roman Pavlyuchenko?" demands Connor Clarke. I don't know, Connor, presumably off enjoying the London drizzle somewhere. He's certainly not in the squad today.

64 min: Spurs substitution - Gunter off, Huddlestone on. Zokora trots over to the bench to ask whether that meanshe's to go to full-back again ...

66 min: Carvahlo nuts a Lampard corner over the bar. And with that, Scolari makes his first change, withdrawing Joe Cole to throw on Florent Malouda. Scared, Spurs fans? Didn't think so.

68 min: Lampard is being silly now – he's simply shooting from everywhere and anywhere, ignoring team-mates in better positions. He's lost the head.

69 min: Malouda receives the ball on the left and as he's about to try to take on Jenas (who's at right-back rather than Zokora), Huddlestone lumbers across and fouls him. Deco wastes the free-kick.

72 min: Spurs continue to pile sandbags around their box and so far it's working for them and Chelsea, shamefully, cannot summon the guile to pick a way through. If only the battering ram that is Didier Drogba was here, eh? "This has to be one of the few fixtures of the year where, as far as we Arsenal fans are concerned, we can only win," gushes Kenny Pryde. "Chelsea lose? Great result. Spurs lose? Another great result. A draw? Great. If only it was like this every weekend."

73 min: Spurs substitution - Bentley, who has been disappointing out on the left, is replaced by Jamie O'Hara.

75 min: O'Hara's first contribution to the game is not clatter into Ashley Cole and leave him writhing in agony on the ground. Brings a tear to your eye, so it does. "I read somewhere that Pavlyuchenko is back in Russia after signing," spurts Steve Mitchell. "Maybe he forgot to back his toothbrush?"

76 min: Chelsea change – Belletti off, Kalou on.

79 min: Like Liverpool, Chelsea are reacting to the growing pressure by going ever longer. It almost paid off for them just now, as Anelka flicked on a Terry punt. But Kalou flashed a diabolical shot into the stands.

81 min: Spurs venture forward for the first time in ages, and with more composure and slickness than Chelsea have shown in this second half. Bale and Modric combine nicely to win a corner. Which is wasted as usual.

84 min: Buoyed by Chelsea's impotence, Spurs are now showboating, knocking the ball around tauntingly. They're making no more inroads than Chelsea have done, but are at least killing time.

86 min: Bale gallops down the let and slaloms past Bosingwa and Carvahlo before the former recovers sufficiently to trip him up. Free-kick to Spurs on the edge of the box, on the right-hand side. Anti-climatiaclly, Bale clips it straight into the wall.

89 min: Woogdate concedes a free-kick on the half-way line. Before it can be taken, Scolari takes off Anelka and introduces Di Santo, Then Carvahlo smashes the ball into the box. And Gomes collects it easily.

90 min: Four minutes to be added …

90+2 min: King gets his head to another Chelsea punt, but Lampard latches on to the dropping ball … and then tumbles under a challenge by Woodgate! No penalty, reckons the ref, and he's right.

90+3 min: Another neat move by Chelsea but yet again it ends with a shot from outside the box. Essien's effort trickled wide.

Full-time: Spurs discovered a defensive spine. Chelsea lacked penetration. There endeth today's lesson.