Preamble: Good afternoon and welcome the inaugural theguardian.com Saturday Clockwatch of the 2008/09 season. Excited? Good. Just the five Premier League fixtures for you I'm afraid, but there is of course a full set of games in the less smug and self-involved divisions, so don't despair. I won't list every fixture (it sounds like a lot of effort to me) but here are the Premier League games to be getting on with:
Bolton v West Brom
Everton v Portsmouth
Hull v Wigan
Middlesbrough v Stoke
West Ham v Blackburn
Still want more? This should do the trick.
The action is already underway: At St Mary's Blackpool lead Southampton 1-0 with about quarter of an hour to go. They should be further clear as well, from what I can work out they have had three (THREE!) goals disallowed in the second half.
For those looking for subplots to today's (blockbuster) narratives, here's a couple of obvious ones for starters: Gary Megson faces his former club West Brom at the Reebok, Paul Ince returns to Upton Park as manager where he can count on a vicious reception, but not quite as vicious as will await Alan Curbishley in the opposite dugout if Blackburn get a result. Yes, I'm struggling for an angle.
A piece of transfer news while we await 3pm: Hull have bid £7m for Frazier Campbell. Yes, that's right, £7m. That's a lot of honk for a striker that has only ever performed in the Championship.
2.38pm Blackpool are still leading at St Mary's and Paul Ince is looking pretty relaxed at Upton Park. He wears a good suit does Ince, a smooth gray number today.
2.40pm And that's it at St Mary's, it finishes Southampton 0-1 Blackpool.
2.43pm Today's first email is here and it is related to this wonderful thing. "What do you think the chances are of Sebastian Hines running out to score a second-half hat-trick against Stoke this afternoon?" asks the rather hopeful Michael Stewart, who takes time to point out that he is not the same Michael Stewart that used to play for Manchester United, before adding. "I keep trying to put on Chelsea's Hilario as a striker but the damn software won't let me." I think we can count someone out of the race for the £50,000 of prizes.
2.46pm Nothing to report as we await kick-off. Sorry.
2.52pm Sky are currently treating me to what can only be described as a filler piece on North End Thistle, an amateur Scottish team that haven't won in 18 years. Oh, wait, they've just won. Wow, I feel like I'm part of history.
2.56pm Bit of team news. West Ham are unchanged, but Vince Grella makes his debut for Blackburn with Keith Andrews on the bench.
2.59pm So, here we go then. Kick-off time. If it is of any interest to anyone Robinho has been left out of the Real Madrid side today, whatever could that mean?
3.01pm Nothing much going on as of yet, Paul Ince has had a few predictable boos at Upton Park. Here we go, first goal of the afternoon: St Johnston 0-1 Clyde.
3.04pm Goal in League One, where Lloyd Dyer has put Leicester 1-0 up at Cheltenham. Also in that division Leeds have gone one up against Bristol Rovers.
3.05pm Goal at the KC Stadium. It's Sam Ricketts, but sadly for the Hull fans it has gone in his own net, deflecting a corner home. Hull 0-1 Wigan.
3.07pm Vince Grella has begun his Blackburn debut by sliding through high on Scott Parker and getting himself booked.
3.09pm Another own goal has put Bury 1-0 up at Rochdale. It's quite slow today, I'll be honest. "The Jeff Stelling Show has Tony Cottee and Matt le Tissier working the screens," write Gary Naylor in an email subtly titled 'Fat!'. "Both look significantly thinner than when they played. Are they more professional as broadcasters than as players?" No, Gary, they most certainly aren't.
3.11pm Against the run of play it is 1-0 to West Ham against Blackburn, Callum Davison heading home a corner. It's all go here, all of a sudden. Jermaine Defoe putting Portsmouth 1-0 up at Goodison.
3.14pm It's 2-0 to Wigan already at the KC Stadium. Antonio Valencia scoring on the break and, more importantly, scoring some very important points for my fantasy football team.
3.17pm David Jones (presumably the former Derby player not the Cardiff manager or the young singer-songwriter toying with the name Bowie) has made it Wolves 1-0 Nottingham Forest. Meanwhile, Charlton are one up at Preston.
3.19pm James Harper has scored the first goal of the day for Reading against the frankly terrible Crystal Palace. While QPR lead 1-0 at Bristol City. Goals all over the place today. What's that? It's West Ham 2-0 Blackburn, that's what it is, another own goal.
3.22pm The plot thickens at Upton Park, Blackburn get a goal back to make it 2-1 to West Ham, Jason Roberts the scorer. He's rubbish, this Curbishley guy.
3.24pm "You might be glad to know that a rival, humourless (and therefore seemingly accurate) football update website, has listed Everton's Jose Baxter as nothing less than a '1-year-old midfielder,'" writes Ian Copestake. "It has now been disappointingly updated to add the extra 15 years, and the guilty party is in a pub writing a letter of application to the Guardian." My question to Ian would be why he feels the need to follow sport with our competitors at all? We have all you need here Ian, like the big news that Darlington lead Macclesfield 1-0.
3.27pm Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys and Bristol City has drawn his side level against QPR. I still think Pet Sounds is overrated though.
3.30pm Wes Morgan has made it Wolves 2-0 Nottingham Forest. Meanwhile, Roque Santa Cruz has gone off injured at Upton Park and Blackburn have had a goal disallowed. Not a good two minutes for Paul Ince. "With West Ham possibly headed for six points in their first three matches would someone tell me why Alan Curbishley deserves to be sacked?" Asks George Templeton. Don't ask me George, I'll open this one to the house.
3.32pm Richard Lambert has equalised for Bristol Rovers against Leeds while Doncaster lead Coventry 1-0 as of about a minute ago.
3.34pm Everton are pressuring Portsmouth in search of an equaliser. They haven't got one though, Kaboul with last ditch clearance.
3.35pm It's all gone a bit quiet on the goal front. Wait there, Bristol Rovers now lead Leeds 2-1. Meanwhile, Amdy Faye has been sent off for a two-footed tackle at the Riverside.
3.38pm Goals in the Championship, Swansea lead Sheffield Wednesday 1-0 while Palace have equalised at Reading. Now Middlesbrough are leading against 10-man Stoke, Alfonso Alves' first goal of the season, a stunning free-kick apparently.
3.41pm At Carrow Road it is 1-0 to Birmingham against the run of play, Sabastian Larsson the scorer.
3.42pm It's 2-0 to Portsmouth at Goodison Park, Glen Johnson cutting in from the right wing and exchanging passes into the box before slipping it past Howard.
3.45pm It is Wolves 4-0 Forest. Blimey, what's going on there you ask? I don't really know, I just have the scoreline.
3.46pm Half-times beginning to take over around the country, a chance for any more goal news? Nope.
3.48pm It is 0-0 at the Reebok at half-time and all the other scores are like I last told you, so scroll down if you want them. "I'm always pleased to hear of an Afonso Alves goal, as he has the most Borgesian name in football," writes Gary Naylor, taking the intellectual level of the debate up a few notches higher than I am comfortable with. "In his spare time, I fondly imagine him re-writing the entire works of Hugh McIlvanney or investigating fictional crimes. But I expect he just Playstations all afternoon like every other player." Is Playstation now a verb? What a hugely depressing reflection on modern society that is.
3.53pm "Curbs deserves the sack because West Ham fans are incurably masochistic," writes Julian Menz, answering George Templeton's earlier question. "At the first sign of stability they can be found mob-handed down Mile End Road, flaming torches and pitch-forks in hand, demanding a new manager... like Glenn Roeder, perhaps." So, that's that answered, luckily George has another Curbishley based question for us: "Let's suppose Curbs is fired during this season. Would another Premiership team hire him or would he have to go back into the Championship and get someone promoted?"
3.58pm Obviously it is half-time. So that is why it has all gone quiet, if you wondered.
4.01pm "In response to Mr Templeton's question (3.53pm), if Hull, Stoke or West Brom hired Curbs, the answer is 'both'," writes Gary Naylor, trying desperately to suppress a wry grin.
4.04pm Luton are well on their way to getting rid of that 30-point headstart they've given everyone, going 1-0 up at Exeter.
4.07pm Penalty to Blackburn at Upton Park. Jason Roberts steps up and it's ... a great save by Robert Green! It remains 2-1 to West Ham.
4.08pm At Carrow Road Norwich have equalised against Birmingham, Darel Russell the scorer.
4.10pm A penalty to Everton. Yakubu steps up and it's ... a great save by David James! Probably not the best time to print the email titled "Green for England!" that I just got from George Templeton then.
4.13pm Emmanuel Ledesma has been sent off for a second bookable offence for QPR at Bristol City.
4.15pm The comeback starts here, Nathan Tyson makes it Forest 1-4 Wolves.
4.17pm Jason Roberts could well have been sent off for a clash with someone I missed (sorry). But he wasn't so it doesn't really matter anyway. The people's republic of Ebbsfleet lead Oxford 1-0, Michael Gash the scorer for any Ebbsfleet owners out there. Meanwhile, Preston have equalised against Charlton.
4.20pm Dean Windass has come on and is being heralded like some sort of northern Pele by Stelling and Cottee. Call me a pessimist but my bet is he won't single-handedly turn the game around.
4.22pm Middlesbrough are dominating Stoke but they cannot finish them off. Unlike Darlington at Macclesfield, who lead 5-0.
4.23pm It's now 5-1 to Wolves against Nottingham Forest, Michael Kightly the scorer, the comeback stops here. "Given Middlesborough's lack of luck against Liverpool recently I fear that one wondergoal against Stoke does not a result in the bag make," writes Ian Copestake and he is, of course, correct. But what is this? It's a penalty to Middlesbrough. Stewart Downing steps up and it's ... hit the crossbar. What is going on with these penalties today?
4.27pm Not a good day for Hull, Amr Zaki making it 3-0 to Wigan. Meanwhile Barry Nicholson makes it Preston 2-1 Charlton and Palace lead 2-1 at Reading with Calvin Andrew the scorer there.
4.30pm Kevin Doyle gets his second goal in 28 games to bring Reading level with Palace. Defoe has another one for Portsmotuh and that is 3-0 at Goodison Park, worrying times for David Moyes. "Three penalty misses in one day has to be some kind of record surely?" Writes Robin Ashton. Um ... I have no idea. Anyone?
4.32pm We all said it might happen, Stoke have equalised at the Riverside. A clear foul on Justin Hoyte who is pushed into the net with the ball. Elsewhere, poor old Derby are losing 1-0 at Barnsley against the run of play.
4.34pm It is 2-2 at Elland Road now and Reading lead Crystal Palace 3-2, Kevin Doyle with his second. You wait 28 games etc, etc.
4.37pm And it is now 4-0 to Wigan at the KC Stadium. Lots of goals around today and there could well have been more, David James excelling at Goodison Park. In League One Leicester are now leading Cheltenham 3-0.
4.40pm For anyone that is interested (mainly me) Plymouth are holding on to a point at Turf Moor where Chris Eagles has been sent off. Elsewhere Leicester are 4-0 up and Derby are now 2-0 down at Barnsley.
4.42pm Zaki makes it 5-0 to Wigan at Hull, I'm quite looking forward to Match of the Day, sounds like another good goal.
4.44pm Stoke have blown it. The defence push out and Tuncay is all alone, onside, and just needs to knock the ball home to make it 2-1 to Middlesbrough.
4.46pm Kevin Davies hits the ball home but is flagged offside (correctly), still 0-0 at the Reebok.
4.47pm Suppose it is time for some full-times, I'll give you them as I get them but if I miss any, this is the place to go. And Kevin Davies hits the ball home but is flagged offside (correctly). Again.
4.51pm West Brom almost score now, an exciting end at the Reebok, no goals though. Relief for Alan Curbishley as Craig Bellamy makes it 3-1 to West Ham, six points from three games isn't too shabby is it?
4.53pm It finishes 5-1 to Wolves against Forest, and just time for another goal at Upton Park, it's 4-1 Carlton Cole the scorer. Full-time at the Reebok, Bolton 0-0 West Brom.
4.54pm All over at Upton Park West Ham 4-1 Blackburn while at the KC Stadium it finishes Hull 0-5 Wigan.
4.56pm Other results in the Premier League, Middlesbrough beat Stoke 2-1 and Portsmouth beat Everton 3-0. "Good luck to Smyth, Naylor and the rest in the run tomorrow, by the way. Time for one more plug of the charity perhaps?" Writes Ian Copestake. How is this for you Ian? http://www.justgiving.com/wimbledonlordsspoons
5.00pm So that's about that. Lots of goals today from some pretty unpromising fixtures. Hope everyone enjoyed their afternoon more than Phil Brown or David Moyes did, cheers for the email and sorry about the ones I didn't get the chance to publish. Bye.
