I'll be here from 3.30pm. In the meantime, why not have a look at a cracking new book by Scott Murray, of this parish, and my former housemate Rowan Walker. At the time of writing, it's only less popular than 8,524 other books on Amazon! But it is more popular than I Love Footie, Me: A Professional Ramones Fan On What Has Made The Beautiful Game Beautiful Since It Was Created In 1992.

Actually, Scott's book is very good. It fleshes out football stories about which we know little; it introduces us to others; it finds new angles on those we know well; and only occasionally does it lapse into a teary rendition of You'll Never Walk Alone.

Preamble Hello. Competitions are like Y-fronts: the tighter they are, the better they usually look. But even the most rabid Stone Islander would struggle to legitimately argue that the tight squeeze in the lower half of the Premiership - where just three points separate ninth and 19th - is indicative of anything other than rampant mediocrity. It's like a game of snakes and ladders - only with a snake or ladder on every single square. Teams continue to scoot up and down: Bolton, bottom 168 hours ago, are now ninth; their manager Gary Megson, seen as a ginger clown with a weirdly effeminative voice 168 hours ago, is now seen as a ginger clown with a wei- actually that bit doesn't work, does it.

Anyway, if either Fulham (currently 18th) and Newcastle (16th) win today's match at Craven Cottage, they will supplant Bolton in ninth. It's a weird situation, one that you expect in September but not in November when the league has theoretically settled in. Maybe it has settled in and all these teams are simply as bad as each other. Form is temporary; lack of class is permanent.

Prediction I fancy Fulham to win this, 1-0 or 2-1. They have a good home record, whereas Newcastle haven't won away since slapping Tottenham 4-1 in March. Fulham's problem, however, is a distinct lack of goals: only Liverpool and Chelsea have conceded fewer than their nine, but nobody has scored fewer than their eight. At Everton last week they found a million different ways not to skin the cat, and their patient, almost genteel passing game, revolving around two excellent central-midfield technicians in Jimmy Bullard and Danny Murphy, definitely lacks a punch. In that respect you can see why Roy Hodgson bought Andy Johnson; if anybody has any theories as to what the hell he thought he was doing when he bought Bobby Zamora, I'm all ears. Well, eyes. Whatever.

Team news Michael Owen is on the bench. Fulham are unchanged once again. As the saying doesn't go: if it ain't broke but it ain't really working either, don't fix it.

Fulham (4-4-2) Schwarzer; Pantsil, Hangeland, Hughes, Konchesky; Davies, Bullard, Murphy, Gera; Johnson, Zamora.
Subs: Zuberbuhler, Nevland, Gray, Stoor, Dempsey, Andreasen, Baird.

Newcastle (4-4-2) Given; Beye, Coloccini, Cacapa, Jose Enrique; Gutierrez, Butt, Barton, Duff; Martins, Ameobi.
Subs: Harper, Guthrie, Owen, Bassong, N'Zogbia, Geremi, Carroll.

Referee: Martin Atkinson (W Yorkshire)

Oooh I forgot Joseph Anthony Barton (or JAB for short. LOL!) was playing today. This should be fun.

Riff watch Anybody got any suggested riffs? Anyone actually reading this?

1 min Fulham kick off from left to right. "Riff," begins Alexander Netherton. "Giving up booze because you think it makes you depressed, only to find out it's just being you." That's not a riff as such is it; more a moment of clarity that will make you start counting down the 64 years until you reach Happy Place.

2 min "Scott Murray's book seems to have moved up almost 3000 places in the Amazon rankings since your plug," begins Mac Millings. "Lower! Oh no, in "Rankings Watch", I may just have suggested the lamest riff of all time. Higher!" Give me higher than a cee for Mac Millings; I need higher than a cee right now.

3 min We've had the usual thud-and-blunder start you get with a Premier League game. Nothing of note has happened yet.

5 min This is that rarest of Premier League games: that in which both sides are playing two up front. So far, however, this flaccid foursome have achieved the square root of eff all. It's been a very dull start.

7 min Johnson skins a couple of defenders on the right and cuts it back across the box, but Bullard doesn't get enough on his toe-poke from 10 yards and Given gets down to his left to save.

10 min Charlie Wilson hasn't suggested one riff; he's suggested four. Some may feel he may as well have suggested none, such is their quality, but I'll leave that for you to decide.

1. First the Laurie Engel Fund (insert gratuitous charitable donation website plug here), now some genuine support for Scott's book. Is Smyth going soft in his old age?

2. Is watching Barton very nearly screw it up with virtually every step the most exciting and suspenseful thing in the Premiership at the moment?

3. Is anyone else bored of Obama before he's even started?

4. Isn't it sad about the Long Blondes?

In reverse random chronological order, and to quote Meg Ryan: yes, yes, yes and yes, but you know I don't like to talk about my charity work, which is appreciable, don't get me wrong, but not something I like to talk about.

13 min Fulham have taken charge now, and are moving it around with their aesthetically appealing brand of football. But as ever there's little sign of penetration.

15 min I don't think I've ever seen a team whose football is quite as polite as Fulham's. It makes sense, and they are certainly in the image of their manager, but it's all a bit quaint and naive in the current climate, like a jaunty sexagenarian walking into a rough pub and cheerily enquiring whether anybody would like to share a malted beverage with him.

17 min Fulham are by far the better team here. Bullard whips in a corner and Gera, loitering around the penalty spot, thumps a header towards goal. Given probably would have saved, as it was dead straight, but Jose Enrique headed it wide for another corner anyway.

20 min "Higher than a cee!" Brucies Mac Millings. "Might I suggest that, from now on, we call Joe Kinnear's Newcastle 'Newcastle United Eff Cee'?"

21 min Joseph Anthony Barton hasn't done a lot yet, certainly nothing that will interest lipreaders or those specialising in cigar-related crimes. Newcastle aren't quite chasing shadows, but they are certainly struggling to get a grip on the game.

22 min The other thing about today is that, in Zamora and Ameobi, both sides are showcasing the new breed of centre-forward: the non-scoring one who sacrifices his own scoring rate for the greater good/is garbage (delete as appropriate). Serginho was 25 years ahead of his time. Discuss.

GOAL! Fulham 1-0 Newcastle (Johnson 23) Fulham richly deserve that goal. Yet after all their lovely approach play, it was a comedy of efforts. Bullard drove a lazy, angled cross into the box which was going to go out of play, but Cacapa in his painfully finite wisdom decided to head it clear. Instead he thumped it straight off the back of Coloccini, from where it bounced back towards goal for Johnson, on the left of the box, to sweep it crisply under Given. It was a cracking finish with his wrong foot.

27 min Now Newcastle have to come and play, but they really are a pretty witless shower going forward, certainly away from home, and Fulham repal a couple of attacks easily.

28 min Cacapa, 89, is having a bit of a shocker. When Hangeland lumps a clearance for Johnson to chase, Cacapa doubles up like a man who has been struck down by the sudden and dramatic end of five days' compensation, but the ball goes through to Given before Johnson can get there.

30 min Some painfully pedestrian approach play from Newcastle ends with Gutierrez being dispossessed by Pantsil and Davies. Fulham are miles better here - even if they have sat off the play a bit since the goal - and you suspect that Joe Kinnear will have to go much higher than a cee with his half-time hairdryer if Newcastle are to get anything out of this.

31 min Joseph Anthony Barton makes his first foray into the box and is booed for his troubles. Newcastle are offering painfully little, and former England international Michael Owen will surely be on by the hour mark at the latest. "Effing Cees," says Stephen Forster, helpfully.

33 min The indefatigable Bullard is popping up all over the place. It's a nice system they have in the centre of midfield: Murphy sits and conducts languorously, barely breaking into a run, while Bullard goes absolutely everywhere to attempt to influence the game with his excellent crossing ability, barely slowing down to a jog.

37 min That's Newcastle's first chance, and its creation was Joe Kinnear's wettest dream: a huge punt from Given, a header down from John Fashanu on the edge of the box, and Martins stabbing it just wide from 18 yards.

40 min Duff hits the post. Ameobi played a smart square pass 25 yards out, allowing Duff to go one-on-one against the left-back Konchesky. He touched it round the outside of Konchesky and then, with his wrong foot, the right, crunched it against the near post from a fairly narrow angle. I'm not Schwarzer had that covered.

42 min Fulham have been really poor since going ahead, not technically but mentally. They are obviously superior to Newcastle, but they have retreated since scoring, as teams are lamentably wont to do, and that has allowed Newcastle to get a piece of the game.

43 min Hangeland is rightly booked for cleaning Martins out on the halfway line.

45 min In other news, nine-man Manchester City are 2-1 down at home to Darren Bent. Mark Hughes: coming to a jobcentre near you soon.

Absurdly, Aston Villa are about to lose 2-1 at home to Middlesbrough. Does anyone actually want to take the fifth?

Half time: Fulham 1-0 Newcastle It's been pretty mediocre in truth, but Fulham deserve to be ahead for a 20-minute spell in which they played some pretty nice stuff. The goal, from Andy Johnson, was mainly down to a bad error from Claudio Cacapa. Damien Duff hit the post for Newcastle, buit for the most part they have been a shower, and it seems almost certain that Michael Owen will have a butch and possibly bearded man touching up his hamstrings right now in preparation for a second-half appearance. See you in 15 minutes.

Half-time very small talk "Was looking forward to seeing this hirsute Jonas in action today, but much like his team-mates, he is garbage," says Gareth Fitzgerald. "Oddly, he had a marvellous debut against Man U...any other players come to mind who had great debuts and then turned out to be bowfin'? William Prunier springs to mind, but he did only play two games...." One half-decent header from a corner doesn't really make a great debut, does it? Or does it? Anyway, Tony Cottee is one: hat-trick for Everton in 1988 after his £2.5m then about the same number of league goals over the next four or five years. Massimo Taibi was man of the match at Anfield on his Manchester United debut as well. He was also MOTM in his second game: so despite being perceived as the worst keeper ever to hit the Premiership, he was man of the match in fifty per cent of his game. Work that one out, Columbo.

46 min Newcastle kick off from left to right. No substitutions yet. "Someone does want to finish fifth," says George Templeton. "Spurs!" They will as well: they're only eight points off now.

47 min Newcastle get a free-kick 28 yards out, to the left of centre. Butt's effort hits the backside of Gera and Schwarzer plunges to his left to stop it going for a corner.

49 min There's a strong wind in Fulham's favour in this half, although whether that's much of an advantage to a team who deal in short patterns is debatable.

51 min Gutierrez skins Pantsil and slaps a dream ball across the face of the six-yard box. Hughes misses it and then Hangeland lets it go between his legs rather than try to clear it and, inevitably, shank it into his own net. He's lucky, because Ameobi was behind him, but it just skipped off the turf and away.

53 min Enrique belts another lovely low cross from the left, but only Martins was in the box and he was nowhere near it.

54 min "What about Graham Fenton?" says Gareth Fitzgerald. "Was it his debut he scored two against Newcastle to effectively deny them the title?" No. It was his 10th game, but at least the incident actually happened, which puts you one up on many an MBM emailer.

55 min Zamora heads wide. Actually that's not strictly news, is it?

GOAL! Fulham 1-1 Newcastle (Ameobi 57) The goal machine Shola Ameobi strikes again, although he looked offside. It started with a good ball wide from Butt to Duff on the right, and his deflected cross was scrambled slightly farcically into the path of Ameobi six yards out by a combination of Martins and a falling Butt. He swivelled to ram it in off the body Schwarzer, but replays show he was just a couple of inches offside when the ball bounced through to him.

59 min Barton forces a fine save from Schwarzer with a 25-yard daisy-cutter that zipped along the turf and was sneaking in by the post when Schwarzer got down to his left to turn it round the post.

60 min From a free-kick on the right, Andy Johnson fresh-airs a header eight yards out. That was a real chance.

61 min It's all Newcastle at the moment, and Butt slashes a fierce 20-yarder wide of the far post. Fulham have only themselves to blame here: they were by far the better team, but the moment they went 1-0 up they decided to sit on it, and now it's Newcastle who are in the box seat.

64 min Fulham substitution: Gera, who has done little, is replaced by Clint Dempsey. He goes to the right wing and Davies moves to the left.

PENALTY TO FULHAM Johnson got the wrong side of Cacapa on the edge of the box, and Coloccini came across to take him out. That part looked a penalty - although Johnson made absolutely sure by easing his left leg into Coloccini - but there was a sly push from Johnson on Cacapa in the build-up. Newcastle are really unlucky there.

GOAL! Fulham 2-1 Newcastle (Murphy 66pen) The excellent Murphy tucks the penalty away emphatically, side-footing it to Given's right and into the corner netting. That's his 100th career goal.

70 min It won't be long before Michael Owen comes on now, surely.

71 min Here he is. Owen on, Gutierrez off, so I presume Martins or Ameobi will go wide.

72 min It looks like Martins has gone to the left wing.

73 min Newcastle, who were having such a good spell at 1-1, look a bit shell-shocked at the moment. Zamora runs Coloccini excellently down the left channel but then humps the ball across goal and away for a throw-in.

74 min Dempsey opens up the game with a smart square pass to Davies, who zips inside and, from 25 yards out, coaxes one just wide of the far post. That was a lovely effort. Moments later, Martins toebungs a snapshotr towards goal from the edge of the box and Schwarzer has to leap to his right to palm it down.

75 min Fulham substitution: Zamora off, Nevland on. Like for like.

76 min Fulham waste a three-on-two break. Dempsey played it to Nevland, on the left side of the box; he came back inside but drove it straight at Given from inside the D.

78 min A hilarious miss from Michael Owen. Enrique curved in a lovely cross from the left and Owen, seven yards out and unmarked, actually hit his volley backwards. That was shocking. It hit his heel and flew across goal and back towards the edge of the box. The camera cuts to Fabio Capello, who looks to the heavens and then starts picking his nose. The international language of contempt.

79 min Murphy is booked for an absent-minded handball 45 yards out. The free-kick is swung beyond the far post, where Coloccini heads a half-chance into orbit.

81 min That shot of Capello was one on the funniest things I've seen since Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps was taken off the air. (What do you mean it's still going?) The look on his face was a gem. You have to feel for Owen, though: when he was doing what he did in St Etienne against Argentina, was there a person in the world who believed that, 10 years on and still only aged 28, he would be such a hideous, poignant mess of a footballer?

83 min Newcastle have played okay in patches today, but their away form really is a huge worry: they have just one win all year.

85 min Newcastle are having a lot of the ball, but Fulham are compact and look reasonably comfortable. And as I have 2-1 to Fulham on Pick The Score, that will do very nicely.

87 min Good refereeing there from Martin Atkinson. Barton ducked very low to head a bouncing ball, and as a result brushed his head against Murphy's foot. Murphy had already been booked and, because it looked worse than it was, it would have been easy to get carried away and give a second yellow. Instead he just gave Newcastle the foul. Well done Mr Referee for doing your job properly!

88 min Fulham substitution: Baird, a defender, on for Murphy, a midfielder.

90 min There will be four minutes of added time, but there's no sense that Newcastle are going to score. This one's over.

90+1 min The wretched Cacapa handles on the edge of the box, but doesn't get booked, even though Murphy was for a similar offence earlier in the game. Oh Mr Referee!

Konchesky thwangs the free-kick into Texa Fried Chicken on Fulham Palace Road.

Full time: Fulham 2-1 Newcastle Fulham leap up to tenth with a victory that they just about deserved. The manner of their winning goal, a penalty from Danny Murphy, will irk Newcastle, but a bigger concern will be the fact that they are back in the bottom three. Thanks for both of your emails; see you again.