What ho, readers. The Mill notes that the The Star's been flicking through the job sections today and is in an almighty funk. Here's a list of some of the posts that have attracted the OUTRAGE of the poor man's Sun:
Gang Prevention Worker
Helping stop teenagers (watch out, some of them might be black!) being shot and stabbed on the streets of BROKEN BRITAIN every night. DISGUSTING!
Parenting Practitioner
Helping families with drug and alcohol problems that often lead to the petty crime so prevalent in BROKEN BRITAIN. SHOCKING!
Director of Leicester Gay And Bisexual Centre
Providing a service for – get this – men who cuddle men and women who kiss women. Yeah! Kissing and cuddling! ABHORRENT!
Muslim Youth Engagement Worker
Preventing young muslims from becoming disenfranchised in a country that often demonises them by writing articles suggesting they're not good enough to benefit from government services. VILE!
Manager (Newcastle United)
Responsible for fleecing the people of the north-east out of millions of pounds a year in return for a weekly show of low farce. Applications from Chris Hughton, Real Zaragoza coach Marcelinho, Gus Poyet and Paul Ince particularly encouraged. OBSCENE!
Honestly, it's political correctness gone etc. The next thing you know Kevin-Prince Boateng will be joining Birmingham City on loan with Richard Kingson leaving St Andrew's to provide competition for Chris Kirkland at Wigan. You wouldn't put it past these do-gooders in Greenham Common or wherever they live, you really wouldn't.
The first thing Gianfranco Zola will do as West Ham manager is to find a comfy chair for his office. The second thing he'll do is sign Italian U-21 player Francesco Bolzoni, a player whose footballing talent is so pure they actually use it to baptise babies in some parts of Naples. Bolzoni will cost £7m.
Meanwhile, Man City's new owners have now put bids of £33,383bn on the planet Jupiter (gas mining rights, see), £22m on every book ever written with the word "Then" in the title, £483m for the British sense of irony and £135m for Cesc Fábregas. Arsène Wenger has said no to the last one.
Steve Bruce has realised we've reached one of those six-month windows when the nation believes Emile Heskey is good. But Emile is refusing to sign a new contract and could leave for free next summer, which is bad. So he'll offer him a new, improved contract, which is good. Isn't it?
And finally, Ulises de la Cruz will join Coventry; Preston striker Karl Hawley is off to Northampton and there's nothing you can do about it; the new Streets album is good; and Eden Lake is one of the finest British horror films ever made.
· Feel free to leave any transfer tittle-tattle of your own in the comment section below
