Achtung!
Kick-off is at 8pm, we'll begin limbering up around 7.40pm. Around the same time, Scott Murray will be guiding you through what will probably be a more interesting match - Liverpool versus a Belgian outfit managed by a man named baloney. Go here, and tell Scott you're looking for a good time.
Preamble:
If FC Twente succeed in overturning their two-goal deficit and eliminate Arsenal, it will be the biggest shock in European football since, well, this afternoon, when AC Milan completed their loan capture of Philippe "the Swiss Sieve" Senderos. Such a result would certainly bring a schmile to Schteve McClaren's faesche and a lethargic shrug from glorious Gooners' leader William Gallas. It would weaken Arsenal's dubious financial health even further. Who knows, defeat tonight could reduce one of the biggest clubs in England to having to entrust their ambitions to a team of barely pubescent novices and cut-price chancers. What? Oh.
So come on Gooners, do your bit to bring some sunshine back to your club - what's a mere £345,000 between friends? On second thoughts, why not just build an indoor rainbow? And before we finish with the linkage, marvel at this indication that Iain Dowie is a Twente ultra (on the right, in photo 2)?
Teams:
Arsenal: Almunia, Sagna, Gallas, Djourou, Clichy, Walcott,
Fabregas, Denilson, Nasri, Van Persie, Bendtner. Subs:
Fabianski, Toure, Vela, Ramsey, Song Billong, Adebayor, Eboue.
FC Twente: Mihailov, Wielaert, Tiote, Franco, Braafheid,
Denneboom, Heubach, Brama, Janssen, Elia, Huysegems. Subs:
Paauwe, Zomer, Rajkovic, Wellenberg, Gerritsen, Chery,
Reimerink.
Referee: Terje Hauge (Norway)
25 min: Sorry about that, reader. Due to an almighty technological palaver we've missed the first 25 minutes of this enthralling tie. The boffins have applied some sticky tape and a few well-aimed boots and we appear to have hit upon an improvised solution … so let's see how far this thing can fly.
All you've missed so far, by the way, is some darting runs by the returned Fabregas, a woeful free-kick from Van Persie and an Arsenal corner that Bendter could have headed home if he had a bit of the Brede Hangeland spirit – instead he just watched it flash across the face of goal.
GOAL! Arsenal 1-0 (agg: 3-0) Twente (Nasri 26')
26 min: After an anarchic run by Walcott, Nasri collected the ball at the edge of the box, feinted past one defender and unleashes a mis-hit left-footer that bobbled under the keeper's legs and into the net. Arsenal are on easy street now.
30 min: Nasri is regularly breaking into his full Zidane-esque stride now and with Fabregas also on song Arsenal will surely score more. "I'm stuck in my office here in the States and am relying on your coverage to tell me what's happening --but there's no news yet," moaned Bill C. before we got up and running again. "Surely something has happened in the first Twente minutes? Don't tell me the match has been delayed due to some sort of protest over the loan of Senderos?"
33 min: Sweet turn by Denilson on the edge of the area – the first decent thing he's done all night – and his subsequent low shot required a smart save from the keeper.
36 min: Twente can't get out of their own half and Arsenal would have had a second if the laughably awkward Bendter hadn't turned back when clear through. Moments later, Walcott cantered down the right, squared it to Van Persie who had all the time in the world to pick his spot, and threw his hands up in frustration when the Dutchman curled the ball wide.
Meanwhile, in an earlier entry that appears to have been lost during our technological meltdown, I asked whether any of you out there works in the Tax Credit Office in Preston? And if so, whether you could tell me how to get them to return a passport to me that I sent them nearly a month ago and which they vowed to send back with "ten working days"? Rather than volunteer to pop round and show the diligent civil servants how to use their photocopier (and how to answer their friggin' phone), you sent mails such as this one from Neil Roughley: "could it be that the tax credit people only work one day per week and therefore they are still well within the timeframe they committed to?"
39 min: Tiote becomes the third Twente player to cop a booking and they will certainly have one or two dismissed before the night is out because the only way they can stop the rampant Gunners is by tripping them. "What the heck is an 'anarchic run'?" blurts Geof Herring. It is what Walcott specialises in – running very fast in no particular direction with no particular intent other than sowing chaos. It can be effective, at times.
42 min: Gallas, showing some rare leadership, seized the initiative and marauded forward before tucking a nice ball in to Walcott at the edge of the area. The badly sideburned whelp slipped it through to Bendter, who completed an ambitious one-two with a surprisingly deft backheel, and Walcott chipped the ball over the out-rushing keeper and wide.
45 min: Twente are seemingly trying to refamiliarise themselves with the ball, and quite enjoying stroking it around their backline.
Half-time: There's no way Arsenal can lose this now, but do come back for the second period to see if they can overcome their sloppiness to add at least a second.
It's Blair Parsons again: "Hey Paul, have you ever noticed that Bendtner looks like what I imagine a young Ivan Drago would look like? If he celebrates a goal with "I will break you" I'll fall out of my chair." Do you know that I have never given any thought to what you imagine a young Ivan Drago looks like? However, I can confirm that your floor is not in danger because Bendter won't score tonight.
Sticking it to Wenger, Andrew Culp-style. "Wenger says one player brought in won't make much of a difference, eh? Well the player he brought in this summer is the only one to score any goals since the season kicked off against West Brom, so I'd say he's wrong. Maybe one more player and we can get a draw against Hull in a month's time."
46 min: We have resumption. "Why, for god's sakes, does Wenger not give Vela a run out?" hollers Champe Fitzhugh. "Are we not missing a sharp scoring edge? And has he not provided just that throughout the preseason? If there is a reason I'd love to hear it." Good point, Champe, and on a similar note I wonder why Fabregas hasn't been withdrawn? He's just returned from injury wouldn't it be sensible to take him off and preserve him for the weekend's league action? Maybe give Ramsey or Song another taste of the action instead.
49 min: Technically speaking, the second half has started. In real terms, it hasn't. Nothing has happened. Oops, I spoke too soon: Arsenal have just won a throw-in! "It seems like van Persie has had an inflated reputation," interjects Paul Bradley. "He very rarely gets the ball on target. Perhaps Wenger could buy four or five new players and try them instead of this bunch. Bendtner is a donkey, Adebayor hasn't done much since the African Nations Cup ... and I'm losing faith." Hasn't done much since the ANC? Why, didn't he score a hat-trick against the mighty Derby towards the end of last season?
GOAL! Arsenal 2-0 (agg: 4-0) Twente (Gallas 52')
52 min: Gallas, in fairness, injected some much needed urgency, picking the ball up off Fabregas and storming towards the box. His run was curtailed bu the ball broke to Bendter, who, from the sort of position Thierry Henry habitually curled the ball into the far corner, curled the ball straight at the keeper. Gallas had continued his forward momentum and pounced on the rebound to bundle it into the net.
54 min: Twente penetrate the Arsenal box for the first time and Djourou gifts them a penalty! He clattered into Elia, who got to the ball first. But wait, what's this? The ref has waved play on. Lucky, lucky Arsenal. Not that it would have made much difference, mind.
57 min: McClaren watch: He's schwigging from a plastic bottle of water and schouting schomething, presumably either inschtructions or "help!".
60 min: The Arsenal defence fail to deal with a corner. Fortunately for them the two unmarked Twente strikers can't connect with the ball either, "Who wasn't putting hat-tricks past Mighty Derby? You could have, I could have, even the imaginary persona of the Fiver could have…" reckons Rob Rayburn. "Next you're going to tell us he managed to tie his own boots before each game and therefore has "done something"" The egg will be on your face for disparaging Derby, Ray, when they win a match. Assuming you're still alive in 2165.
64 min:
As Arsenal's desire dies, Clichy commits a foul on the edge of the box. Before it can be tgaken, Wenger withdraws Van Persie, who's been woeful tonight, and introduces Adebayor. The Togolese gets a tepid cheer from the home crowd. And Twente curl the free-kick into the wall, Walcott deflecting it out for a corner. Which is easily cleared.
GOAL! Arsenal 3-0 (Agg: 5-0) Twente. (Walcott 65')
65 min: While attempting to control the ball, Bendter unwittingly played an incisive pass to Walcott, who curled it into the far corner from the edge of the box. Lovely finish. And that marks the end of Fabregas's game, as he's replaced by Song, who's long overdue a stint in midfield rather than in defence.
67 min: You'll note that Bendter still hasn't scored, and won't.
71 min: Twente are pluckily attempting to nab a souvenir goal from their trip to London. They're knocking the ball around about 20 yards short of the Gunners' box, and hoping the path to goal will simply open up before them. "Re: Blair Parsons: surely the only person who looks like a young Ivan Drago would be a young Dolph Lundgren?" quibbles Gary Wraith.
73 min: Denilson lofts a respectable ball over the top for Bendtner to chase. The big Dane gets there before the defenders … then stands on the ball and loses possession. "Why didn't Wenger go out and try to get a replacement for Eduardo?" screams Gary Naylor. " If a replacement wasn't needed, why did he buy Eduardo in the first place? How would the Professor answer that one? Bendtner!!!!!"
76 min: Excellent work down the left by Clichy culminates with the full-back clipping a nice cross towards the penalty spot. The only drawback? There were no Arsenal players there.
78 min: A pause in play as Denilson receives some token treatment after copping one in the Eric Halls.
80 min: As the tempo drops, Adebayor lopes reluctantly towards the ball and gets his first touch since coming on. Nearly.
82 min: Eboue slips the ball through to Bendtner, who is clear in front of goal! But he delays his shot and is deprived by a fine tackle by a retreating defender. "I don't know why you continue to propagate this completely unfair notion that Bendtner is a bad footballer," fumes Angus C. "He was tremendous for Birmingham on loan, scored some vital goals for Arsenal last season, his international record is exemplary for a player of his age. And tonight he has shown a couple of times that he has a deft touch and selfless work ethic. His large, lanky frame will make him look awkward at times, but it's slack to jump on that trait and consequently suggest that he's not very good." A solid work ethic is the very least I demand from a professional, Angus, and I maintain that though he is obviously quite good he is not of the standard required, at least not yet. Compare him to the frontmen and the other big four clubs, such as, um, Dirk Kuyt. Oh.
85 min: Gallas throws himself at the ball to block a Denneboom shot. He's played quite well tonight, the captain.
87 min: Twente make a substitution, throwing on Slobodan Rajkovic, a Serbia left-back who's on loan from Chelsea. That is all.
GOAL! Arsenal 4-0 (agg: 6-0) Twente (Bendtner!!! 88')
88 min: Aided by inept defending, Arsenal fluther with the ball in Twente's box. Bendtner had a chance to shoot but let the ball run away from him, Denilson knocked it back and, from eight yards, the Dane slotted it under the keeper and into the net. So we've had a shock tonight after all!
Full-time: Oh dear, looks like I won't have time to publish all those emails form gloating Bendtner fans. Sorry about that. Really.
OK, one final thought, from Bill McGrath. "Did Bendtner do the 'I will break you' Ivan Drago celebration so that Blair Parsons could fall out of his chair?"
