Barack Obama really couldn't have timed his first trip to Britain as the Democratic presidential nominee much worse. Upon touching down in London next week, Obama will discover a country rife with knife crime, where sexual depravity has become the norm, and where executives for the state broadcaster can earn bonuses of nearly £100,000 despite commissioning a ninth series of My Family.
Of course, the Beeb's pay-outs aren't so ridiculous in the context. After all, Robert Green earns £28,000 a week for being a distinctly average top-flight goalkeeper – and even reckons he's underpaid. Thankfully West Ham manager Alan Curbishley wasted no time telling Green exactly where to go with his pay demands. The Mill can only assume Curbs hadn't realised that Blackburn have money to burn after the Jack Walker Trustees restored £3m in funding.
Paul Ince will have even more at his disposal if Tottenham ever get their act together and just flipping sign David Bentley. The canny Guv'nor is ready to sell after realising that Sebastian Larsson would be a perfect replacement. Well, a replacement anyway. Albeit one who doesn't really play in the same position. Oh come on, they both used to play for Arsenal.
Speaking of Arsenal, anyone who hasn't been living in a hole for the past three months will realise that the club is officially in crisis after the entire playing staff, four tea ladies, six plastic chairs and Gunnersaurus Rex all demanded transfers. Bayern Munich are the latest team to riff on Arsène Wenger's pain with an £18m bid for Alexander Hleb. Worse yet for Arsenal fans, absolutely nobody has registered an interest in Abou Diaby.
Wenger's pain won't be healing any time soon, either, as he's currently "slugging it out" with Tottenham counterpart Juande Ramos in a bid to win the affections of Real Madrid striker Ruben de la Red. Madrid, of course, would prefer simple cash offers.
The gap between the Premier League's haves and have-nots, meanwhile, has been highlighted once again as Liverpool prepare a £25m bid for David Villa, while Stoke and Hull contemplate £3m packages for David Nugent. The gap between the Championship haves and the Premier League have-nots is almost as wide. Kevin Phillips would rather play second-tier football with Birmingham than stay at West Brom for another year.
Elsewhere, Lazio have picked up former Birmingham loanee Mauro Zárate; Martin O'Neill is prying Miguel's fingers off the frame of the exit door at Valencia and David Moyes wants to play miracle worker with Darren Bent's career.
