It just keeps getting worse and worse for the nation's footballers. The credit crunch has restricted them to just the 15 Bentley Continentals in the garage; poorly ribs have prevented them from enjoying a meaningless kickabout with the Germans; their girlfriends have been scared to death in the jungle in the name of shoddy entertainment and now, with news of a UK honey crisis, just who is Rio going to call when he wants to organise a no-wives-allowed Christmas party this year? Perhaps that's why he's been down an East End boozer stuffing his face full of crisps.
Possibly jealous at such dietary revelations, blubbery Brazilian Ronaldo thinks that Manchester is exactly the sort of place where he can put his eating teeth to good use and he - and no one else, mind - is talking up a move to City. Of more pressing concern to Mark Hughes is the fact that his only fit keeper was signed solely on the basis of the letters S, C, H, M, E, I, C, H, E, and L on the back of his shirt, rather than any real ability. The Manchester City manager (for now) will face the wrath of the UK banking community by asking for special dispensation to get in an emergency loan. Rather than a foray into the sub-prime mortgage business, however, he'll console himself with borrowing Ben Foster from across town for a week or three.
Reasoning that headline writers have got enough mileage out of Tyro Walcott, Trio Walcott, The Wald Cup etc headlines, Arsène Wenger will be hoping that signing a new wonderkid with an even more pun-able name - Spain's Under-17 captain Koko Resurreccion - will lead to a … resurrection in the club's fortunes. Unless he turns out to be a clown, of course. Manchester United are stubbornly refusing to offer the ladies and gentlemen of the fourth estate the same courtesy by bidding for the considerably less puntastic, but vowel-rich, Valerenga striker Moa Abdellaoui.
Because the marrying of one former legend and Newcastle United went so very well last time, expect the imminent nuptials between Alan Shearer and his ex-club to end in exactly the sort of hilarity in which the charisma-knacked pundit fails to specialise on Match of the Day.
But if it's hilarity you want, don't go looking for it at Spurs (or here, for that matter) as 'Arry is fed up with the slapstick routine Heurelho Gomes has been delivering between the sticks there. He's hoping that West Ham's fire sale will mean he'll find Robert Green, like a budgie, going cheap. Gomes could find himself back in Spain if a) Juande Ramos replaces Bernd Schuster at Real Madrid, b) they have any spare change left over from buying £10m-rated Didier Drogba or Amr Zaki and, c) if the club, manager, backroom staff, sporting director and president all entirely take leave of their senses.
Red Bull Salzburg striker Marc Janko is so tall he doesn't need the wings his club's sponsor claims to provide. That's why he's banged in (or had deflected off his head as he stands totem pole-like in the penalty box) 43 goals in 57 games for the Austrian side - which is more than enough to persuade Paul Ince that, whether he's got a good touch or not, he's the big man for the job up front at Blackburn.
When he's finished haranguing the nation's referees, Steve Bruce will find time to bid £10m (we're not sure where he's getting it from in these troubled times) for Santos Lugana's Ecuadorian striker Cristian Benitez. Not to be outdone, Gareth Southgate fancies a South American hitman too - he'll go for the somewhat less glamorous Lucianio Becchio from the definitely less glamorous Leeds.
Michael Mancienne beware: the last Chelsea youngster to be touted as a megastar of the future - Scott Sinclair - will be bussed out to Birmingham and told not to come back. Elsewhere, Dexter Blackstock's face doesn't fit into the whole superstar, sexy football thing QPR reckon they're going to get going so he can hop on the train to Wolves instead. And, in news so big it's made the last line of a half-arsed rumour column, Sheffield United will bid £250,000 for Motherwell striker Chris Porter.
Feel free to add your own rumours below.
