You know it's a slow news day on theguardian.com's official story generator, Sky Sports News, when Alex Quinn's Tip Of The Day is third on the running order, sandwiched between an exclusive preview of this weekend's fanzone and a Mike Wedderburn joke about the Francis Bacon retrospective at the Tate. So today's rumours are as stretched as a heretic on the rack. Or a mediocre writer's metaphors.

First up, check out this piece of unlikely flim-flam: semi-competent international bumblers England beat Croatia 4-1, Sven was right all along about Theo Walcott, Frank Lampard is a force at the highest level, Wayne Rooney scored a goal and all that stuff the press wrote about footballers being arrogant, lazy, millionaires who you wouldn't trust with your daughter was a big joke. That's what makes Britain great you see, our sense of humour. Yep, we were joking the whole time. Ha ha.

There's plenty of laughs and jokes around over at St James' Park. Dennis Wise has remembered the cuddles in the kitchen he used to share with Paul Ince and wants him to become Newcastle manager. Expect Ince to hand Mike Ashley his resignation in a year's time after being told he'll only be allowed to sign players with the letter Q in their name.

You see Sheffield United's attempts to sign Michael Brown on loan? Yeah? Well, they've been blocked. And Gareth Southgate won't let Rhys Williams leave Boro either.

Meanwhile at Anfield, Tom Hicks and George Gillett have been up all night with their Big Book Of Dead Hard Sums and reckon Liverpool – the club not the city – is worth £750m. Sheikh Mohammed's about to laugh in their faces though: he's got a GCSE in maths and won't pay more than £450m – mainly because Jamie Carragher is being lined up as Liverpool's next manager.

Another man who's going to do a bit of shopping, is Little Mickey Owen. Distressed that he's been left out of the squad for future World Cup winners England, he's going to spend £12m on a house in Spain. The Daily Express practically messes in its pants while describing his new home in a double page spread. Check this out:

"It can only be entered through electronically controlled gates [Mickey will need one of those bleeper things to get in his garage] specially made of high-quality Arabic ironwork [they'll be made of metal] … A sentry will stand guard in a box outside the property night and day [a man in a hat on eight euros an hour will sit in a Portakabin watching telly and looking bored] … the estate's main villa resembles a set from Lawrence of Arabia [it's made of cardboard]."

Sounds like Mickey's been done to us.

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