As the transfer window prepares to creak open today's horde of slack-jawed, goggle-eyed, ragged-trousered rumours have already begun to beat on the glass and make frantic gurgling noises, a bit like the zombies in a George Romero film just before they finally wrench the door off its hinges and come pouring inside with the express intention of eating your brains.

Already shuffling menacingly up behind Arsène Wenger and preparing to take a £12.8m-sized bite out of his transfer budget, it's Samir Nasri of Marseille who will sign for Arsenal "before next week". So this week, then. "Arsenal's offer has caught his interest," smarmed Nasri's smooth-talking Mr 10%. Across north London, Spurs are all set to skip off down the road trailing a gaudy cardboard valise tied with a silver bow and containing the hulking figure of "£6m-rated" Richard Dunne. Juande Ramos has also "made an inquiry" about Adam Johnson, although that inquiry might simply have been "who is Adam Johnson? Oh."

Back-packing hippy transfer trail enthusiast Steve Bruce has grown tired of pilfering the cheap hostels and sprightly attacking midfielders of Central America and turned his attention to Egyptian club Zamalek, who have said they'll let him have Amr Zaki on loan if they can whistle up a replacement.

Michael Bradley wants to sign for Everton, having advertised his talents playing for the USA in the limp-beyond-belief 2-0 defeat at Wembley. The Mill is quite sure the phone hasn't stopped ringing since Wednesday. Nadir Belhadji, who could really do with changing his name to Apex Belhadji or Zenith Belhadji, is being courted by Juventus and Portsmouth. But which one will he choose?

And Carlo Ancellotti has apparently entered the sizeable Chelsea frame now that Henk ten Cate has finally been arm-wrestled out of the building and hurled head first on to the King's Road tarmac.

The Sun draws the Mill's attention away from the views of Danni, 19, on the slump in house prices ("many people are worried") with the news elsewhere on page 3 that David Beckham has bought his wife a vineyard "where she will make her own plonk". There's also news that Coleen Mcloughlin's wedding dress comes with "a 25ft train". So at least there's something for Wayne to play with if he gets bored during the ceremony. And Pierre Van Hooijdonk has lost £2m investing in phony Chinese carpet company.

Back in the real world of yowling, feral, slack-jawed rumours, Rafa Benítez hopes to persuade Javier Mascherano "to snub the Olympics", presumably by pointedly ignoring it at a cocktail party. Geoff Hurst has a number plate which reads "GH 66". Everton are keen to exchange £8m for medallion-sporting droney-voiced BBC athletics pundit Michael Johnson. Fulham are drunk on the heady vapours of Marlon Harewood. But can they beat off Stoke? Stephen Hunt's move to Sunderland could be off because he's getting married and then taking his wife off on honeymoon. Which is bound to go down well with Roy Keane. And Ghanaian midfielder Anthony Annan is being chased by Gary Megson, Mark Hughes and Gareth Southgate. Run, Anthony, run.

The Daily Star has china figurine obsessive Big "Phil" Scolari taking over at the Bridge. 'Arry Redknapp reckons a slice of Emile Heskey would go rather nicely with the rather stringy and lean helping of Peter Crouch he's just ordered. Cesc Fabregas has "given his word" that he's willing to trouser an additional £30,000-a-week for staying in north London a bit longer. And Mike Tyson has decided he's the man to "save troubled Gazza" (as if he doesn't have enough on his plate already without a lisping maniac ordering him to read more Machiavelli). This from no less a source than ex big brother babe Aisleyne: "Mike will be a brilliant help to Paul. He's almost like a counsellor." Almost, Aisleyne. Almost.

With Gazza in safe hands and the baying rumour herd all but inside the perimeter fence, news in The Express that "one of England's most popular footballers" owes £1m in unpaid gambling debts. From his picture the player in question appears to have no distinguishing features and exists only as a faceless silhouette inside an England shirt. Which doesn't really narrow it down. Also in the Express the man Chelsea really want is Mark Hughes, Chris Baird is off back to Southampton at a knock-down price and Neil Warnock is in a lather over out-of-favour Blades goal machine Danny Webber.

At which point the Mill must put down its quill, pick up a piece of broken floorboard and prepare to fight for its pitiful life. The gates. They're at the gates.