Rob will be here with all the latest news from 1.15pm. Ish.
Preambles are sooooooo September 2007, what with Joe F Kinnear having pretty much nailed the best intro of all time.
Suffice to say that there are six games today, two of them mouth-watering crackers: Manchester City v Liverpool and Chelsea v Aston Villa. So Sky are showing West Ham v Bolton and Everton v Newcastle. But through a combination of radio, shamelessly winging it, TV, shamelessly winging it, internet, shamelessly winging it, guesswork, shamelessly winging it a DeLorean and shamelessly winging it, we'll keep you in touch with all six. This said, I've never done a theguardian.com clockwatch before and, if my first attempts at certain other zesty human enterprises are anything to go by, I'll be apologising in five seconds' time. Sorry.
It's an important day for Liverpool and Chelsea, because the ominous majesty of Manchester United's victory at Blackburn yesterday suggests that, after a bit of an after-you start to the title race, it's now well and truly on - and that, despite all the big-four clubs dropping points to sides in the bottom half of the table, it will still probably take 90 points to win the title.
It's also a massive day for Manchester City, who may well find reality's incisors piercing the skin of their derriere for the fourth (domestic) game in five. You wouldn't it past them to make a complete dog's dinner of having billions and somehow find a way to get relegated, would you?
Anyway, here's a list of the games to come.
Chelsea v Aston Villa (3pm) Villa are going to win this. Get on them at 5/1, seriously. Ignore the fact that my Pick The Score predictions yesterday were Blackburn 1-1 Man Utd, Wigan 2-0 M'boro, West Brom 2-1 Fulham and Sunderland 1-2 Arsenal. Ignore all those distractions. I really do think Villa are the team most likely to end Chelsea's 747-match unbeaten home run, partly because of all Chelsea's injuries – which might mean them having to play such inadequates as Wayne Bridge (£plenty), Alex (£plenty), Nicolas Anelka (£plenty), Jon Obi Mikel (£plenty), Michael Ballack (£plenty) and Salomon Kalou (£plenty) – but mainly because Villa are the most intrepid side in the league, which is important when you are confronting Goliath, and because they always do well at Stamford Bridge. Something tells me Chelsea won't lose their record to a big-four side, that the stakes are always so high as to produce an almost perfect level of concentration; of the rest, Villa are by far the most likely.
My prediction, which should safely ensure that this isn't the score: 1-2.
Joe F Kinnear's post-match press conference (6.01 pm), preceded by Everton v Newcastle As Andy Hunter wrote in this rag yesterday, "the Samaritans may be of more use than stewards as two depressed clubs meet at Goodison Park". There's no shame in losing to a splendidly vivacious Standard Liege side, as Everton did, but there is in losing all three home games in the league, as they have thus far. Still, surely they'll have enough to beat Shower FC today.
My prediction, which etc: What are you, my personal secretary? F*** off.
Manchester City v Liverpool (3pm) Statistically it's the best attack in the league (City have scored 16) v the best defence (Liverpool have conceded 2). It's also, if Robinho and 50,000 Scousers are to be believed, the clash of two bona fide title contenders. Good one lads.
My prediction, which etc: 0-1.
Portsmouth v Stoke City (3pm) Next!
Prediction: 3-1.
Spurs v Hull (3pm) We'd have expected this to be 20th v 7th, oh aye, but not like this. What are Spurs trying to do to me and what remains of my professional reputation? Hull, incidentally, have been wonderful - even Phil Brown's suit-flapping celebrations are strangely infectious - and, such is the importance of momentum from the first few weeks, should easily stay up now.
Prediction: 2-1.
West Ham v Bolton (1.30pm) West Ham are looking to make it three wins out of three in the league under Chelsea's Gianfranco Zola. Bolton are trying to avoid the completion of a dubious hat-trick: after losing goals through a dodgy offside decision (v Arsenal) and an even dodgier penalty (v Man Utd) in their last two games, expect one of their players to be sent off today for deliberate use of oxygen.
Prediction: 2-0.
12.56pm culling of team news from the wires Both dies are unchanged. Bolton look to be set out in the new missionary position, 4-5-1, but I'm not sure about West Ham as I've not seen them under Zola. Apparently they're doing it in some funky new ways, with talk of Etherington playing further forward. Ah, I'm told West Ham play 4-3-3, although this begs the question as to where 4-3-3 begins and 4-5-1 ends. When you play at home, I suppose, at least in terms of perception. But really it's 4-5-1 in all but name. 4-4-2 is dead; long live 4-5-1.
If West Ham win, incidentally, they go temporarily top. Supersize that whoop whoop.
West Ham, who let's be honest look pretty, pretty modest on paper without all those injured stars: Green; Faubert, Neill, Upson, Ilunga; Behrami, Parker, Noble; Di Michele, Etherington, Cole.
Subs: Lastuvka, Lopez, Bellamy, Boa Morte, Mullins, Davenport, Sears.
Bolton, who let's be honest are in serious, serious danger of disappearing through the Do One door this season, especially now that Hull and West Brom are staying up: Jaaskelainen; Steinsson, Andrew O'Brien, Cahill, Samuel; Davies, Nolan, McCann, Muamba, Gardner; Elmander.
Subs: Habsi, Hunt, Taylor, Joey O'Brien, Smolarek, Riga, Shittu.
Bloke who had his head flushed the toilet every day at school I mean how else are we to explain why anyone would want to become a referee: Mike Dean (Wirral)
1pm Sky open up their coverage, in reference to Newcastle, with Coldplay's Trouble. A delightful song for sure - and never more moving than in the last episode of season 1 of The Shield - but surely there are better ones. Anything by Holy F*** maybe. Any nominations for Newcastle/JFK's new anthem? Let's riff here kids!
"Do Chelsea fans still have that banner emblazoned with, 'Zola - Chelsea's Greatest Ever Player'?" asks Gary Naylor. "Because he is. And I know you're not supposed to have 'second teams' but right now, it's hard not to want West Ham to win every match except against Everton." It all depends on which force you regard as the more powerful: the considerable good of Zola v the bad of everything else to do with that wretched little club with the possible exception of the admirable Mark Noble. In no way influenced by the memories of 1992 and 1995, I'll go with the latter.
Also, Zola wasn't as good as Andy Dow or Mark Stein. Fact. In all seriousness, I thought Zola was just a fraction overrated during his time at Chelsea, though this isn't to say he wasn't an utterly charming footballer and human being. And much as it pains me to say it - and truly it does, more than a malevolent marmot that only eats round things and has been let loose in my bath - I'd probably argue that Frank Lampard is Chelsea's greatest-ever player, or at least their most influential, which is arguably the same thing.
1.25pm Anyone out there? Hello? Helloooooooo?
1.30pm Bolton kick off from left to right. It's been pooting it down in London, and the consequently slick surface should suit West Ham more than Bolton, who are still labouring under the misapprehension that there is grass in the sky. West Ham still have those ridiculously big numbers on the front of their shirts, which in no way highlight the fact that there's no longer a sponsor there and that they've lost loads of money as a result. Surely it would have been better just to keep quiet about it and hope nobody noticed? It's like having a toilet accident on a night out and then going round and telling everybody, 'See that wet patch down there? It's not water you know, or booze. Did it myself. Yep, all my own.' Sort of.
It's actually not like that at all, is it.
1.32pm Bolton have started well, pinning West Ham in their own half for the first couple of minutes, although they've shown all the wit of, well, Joe Kinnear when it comes to trying to penetrate the defence.
1.36pm Mark Noble is booked for a lunging tackle on Steinsson. From the free-kick, taken by Gardner, Cahill at the far post looks set to head in from six yards but is put off by Ilunga, flailing his arms everywhere like something out of those old iPod ads, and so misses his header completely. That was a real chance.
1.38pm Bolton continue to impress, and actually they're popping it around a lot more than is often the case. After one move chockfull of first-time passes, Nolan drives approximately 12 miles wide of the left post from 25 yards.
1.42pm Carlton Cole, who hilariously I've heard linked with England recently, rolls Andy O'Brien smartly 25 years out but then curls his shot over. A minute later Elmander has a real chance. Gardner slipped him in on the edge of the box but his first touch was a fraction too heavy and, with two defenders converging, he had to stretch to toebung it tamely it at Green from 15 yards. That's what you get for £10m these days.
1.44pm "Zola over-rated?" puddemups Gary Naylor. "To see him live was an honour, even as he took Everton apart. Balance, pace, energy and, most of all, brains meant that he had absolutely everything. He also played in the hole, the most difficult position on the pitch. I would argue that he was as good as any Premier League player I've seen with the possible exceptions of Schmeichel and Cantona, because he played in a relatively weaker team than other pretenders like Keane or Shearer (Blackburn vintage)." I did say only a fraction. I feel the memories of his first season prevailed even when he regressed to the mean. I don't think he ever got near that level again, which made him merely breathtakingly good rather than heartstoppingly good. I'd also argue that he was at his best when Chelsea were at their weakest: in 1996-97. From 1998-99 onwards Chelsea were, theoretically at least, title challengers.
1.45pm That Elmander miss summed up Bolton's problem: their play can be useful, and their work ethic is so admirable as to make it impossible for a minute-by-minute hack not to patronise them when referring to it, but they desperately miss a sniffer like Nicolas Anelka.
1.49pm Bolton remain the more impressive side, both with and without the ball. West Ham are just a little ragged, and slightly too manic in their offensive work. They could do with a diminutive Italian to put his foot on the ball and calm things down.
"If West Ham paid Bordeax the £10m for Elmander in Icelandic krona and in shares in the former (not-to-be-named) sponsor, it wouldn't be so bad, would it?" says Lou Roper, every mention of whose name irritatingly precipitates a blast of that U2 song 'Numb' in my head, because of the album from which it came.
1.50pm Decent effort from di Michele, who comes inside from the right and, from 25 yards, tries to coax one into the far corner with his left foot. It went a few yards wide and, in truth, Jaaskelainen had it covered.
1.55pm West Ham remain a bit too narrow, which is partly a consequence of di Michele's inclination to come inside at every opportunity. That suits an extremely narrow Bolton side, who have down their defensive work excellently so far.
"The BIG West Ham numbers on their shirt fronts look like they were sown on by their mums for the school sports day," says Gary Naylor. "It's a bit boring just repeating what's on their backs - wouldn't it be more fun if the numbers corresponded to the player's weekly wage in thousands?" Could be a different thing each week. The amount of groupies they've, a-hem, bought a 12% ABV drink for, say.
1.57pm This, it's fair to say, is not the kind of contest about which Gianfranco Zola fantasises when he takes a long soak in the bath. Indeed some might say it's witless garbage. Still, there should be some excitement in the next few minutes: the team news from the other games will be in.
1.58pm Behrami drives one a few yards wide from the edge of the box. This Ilunga fellow at left-back for West Ham looks a player: he makes some really hyperactive surges, like Kolo Toure when he's on one, and has been West Ham's greatest attacking threat so far. With the likes of him and wee Rafael, it's clear the role of the full-back is changing irrevocably.
1.59pm: GOAL! West Ham 0-1 Bolton (Davies 30) Robert Green, England's No6, lives up to the billing with a shocker. Gardner drilled a long cross from the left and Green, who had come 15 yards to meet it, dropped the wet ball at the feet of Davies. He muscled Ilunga aside and lobbed the ball into the empty net. That really is a serious howler.
2.04pm: GOAL! West Ham 0-2 Bolton (Cahill 34) Blimey, it's two. This one is a more familiar Bolton goal. A free-kick is coaxed gently into the box towards Davies, who doesn't win it but does enough to put the defender off. His header falls to Steinsson 15 yards out, who spanks it goalwards on the half-volley with his left foot. Green does well to save, plunging to his left, but Cahill bundles the rebound in for his first goal for Bolton.
Edit: on reflection, Green should have held on to that as well as it was right in the breadbasket. The conditions won't have helped, but even the sixth-best goalkeeper in England should be saving that.
2.05pm Robert Green hasn't kept a clean sheet since February and, if you can't keep one at home to Bolton, you have to wonder if it's ever going to happen ever ever ever. But you have to give credit to Bolton, who have played pretty well in the first two-thirds of the pitch. They often to, but through both luck and judgement they've also delivered in the final third.
2.08pm Ilunga has blood gushing from his left hand and is going down the tunnel to get it seen to. Someone send me an email. Please. No, really: please.
2.12pm The thing about West Ham is that people have got a bit carried away with Zola's start. All they've done is hammer Shower FC and beat ten-man Fulham, while losing to Watford in the Milk Cup. They look a poor side on paper without Bellamy (who's on the bench today), Dyer, Ashton etc, and today they've looked equally poor on the pitch. Bolton are all over them here, and a wonderful cross from the impressive Steinsson curls right across the face of the six-yard box without getting a touch.
2.13pm West Ham are making Bolton - Bolton - look like Brazil 82, or at very least Brazil 86. This is laughable, and I'm laughing.
2.17pm: Half-time, West Ham 0-2 Bolton Dear me. West Ham played with the befuddlement of a man who turned up for a chess marathon and found out he was at an orgy. Or something. They were almost indescribably poor, and Bolton only needed to be on the good side of competent to take an almost unfathomable 2-0 lead through goals from Kevin Davies and Gary Cahill.
"Have to agree with you about that Rafael, he's a little smasher," says Sarah Lawton. "Seen much of the brother though?" Well probably, but I can't be sure as they are basically one and the same person. Maybe that's why he looked so funky when I said 'Well played Rafael'. Apparently he's basically the same player but at left-back. Imagine.
2.20pm: Tottenham team news aka what the hell happened to David Bentley's career?
Tottenham (4-4-2): Gomes; Gunter, Corluka, Woodgate, Bale; Lennon, Jenas, Zokora, Modric; Pavlyuchenko, Campbell. Subs: Cesar, Bentley, Bent, Giovani, Dawson, O'Hara, Assou-Ekotto.
Hull (4-3-1-2): Myhill; McShane, Turner, Zayatte, Dawson; Marney, Ashbee,
Boateng; Geovanni; King, Cousin. Subs: Hughes, Duke, Garcia,
Mendy, Halmosi, Folan, Ricketts.
The man in whose presence you should dare not move a muscle inside the penalty area: Rob Styles (Hampshire).
2.21pm: Portsmouth team news, aka isn't it nice to see two teams playing 4-4-2
Portsmouth (4-4-2): James; Johnson, Campbell, Distin, Belhadj; Diop, Davis, Hughes, Armand Traore; Crouch, Defoe. Subs: Ashdown, Little, Kanu, Hreidarsson, Kaboul, Mvuemba, Pamarot.
Stoke (4-4-2): Simonsen; Griffin, Cort, Abdoulaye Faye, Higginbotham; Delap, Olofinjana, Amdy Faye, Tonge; Fuller, Kitson. Subs: Whelan, Soares, Cresswell, Sidibe, Shawcross, Wilkinson, Sonko.
Referee: Andre Marriner (W Midlands)
2.25pm "'West Ham are making Bolton - Bolton - look like Brazil 82'," quotes Gary Naylor. "Not fair. Kevin Davies is a much better player than Serginho." Socrates v Kevin Nolan is a no-brainer as well.
2.26pm: Man City team news, aka I need the little boy's room so will leave you to note that Robbie Keane has been rotated after finally scoring and that means Liverpool are playing their strongest team oh I already have done haven't I?
Man City (4-4-1-1): Hart; Zabaleta, Dunne, Richards, Garrido; Wright-Phillips, Ireland, Kompany, Elano; Robinho; Jo. Subs: Schmeichel, Petrov, Fernandes, Hamann, Evans, Ben-Haim, Sturridge.
Liverpool (4-2-3-1): Reina; Arbeloa, Carragher, Skrtel, Aurelio; Mascherano, Alonso; Kuyt, Gerrard, Riera; Torres. Subs: Cavalieri, Dossena, Agger, Keane, Benayoun, Babel, Leiva Lucas.
Referee: Peter Walton (Northamptonshire)
2.27pm "Do you really think Aston Villa will beat Chelsea?" says Dermot Fitzpatrick. "They always seem to be able to dig out the vital goals at Stamford Bridge. It'll be a draw. Mark my words. But I'm not putting any money on it, so mark my words cowardly." I totally do, and given that my predictions have a –10% success rate (well, if players can have 110%, I'm claiming it, I fully expect Chelsea to win 44-1.
2.31pm: Chelsea team news, aka that Ivanovic fell finally gets a game and Villa are unchanged for the seventh straight league game
Chelsea (4-3-3): Cech; Bosingwa, Ivanovic, Terry, Ashley Cole; Mikel, Ballack, Lampard; Joe Cole, Anelka, Malouda. Subs: Hilario, Di Santo, Bridge, Ferreira, Kalou, Belletti, Mancienne.
Aston Villa (4-4-2): Friedel; Luke Young, Davies, Laursen, Shorey; Reo-Coker, Petrov, Barry, Ashley Young, Carew, Agbonlahor. Subs: Guzan, Milner, Harewood, Knight, Salifou, Cuellar, Gardner.
Referee: Chris Foy (Merseyside)
2.34pm They're off again at Upton Park, with no changes on either side. "Wotcha," says James Wood, essaying the only beginning almost as cringeworthy as Joe Kinnear's. "I seem to remember Jonathan Edwards refused to compete on Sundays due to his religious beliefs (something about not feeling comfortable missing the 'Enders omnibus). Does this mean that there are no Prem footieballers that have similar problems with working on Sunday? Apart from Bentley of course." The West Ham players seem to making a protest against it today HONK.
2.37pm As you were at West Ham. At ease.
"I always start humming the theme to Steptoe & Son when I think of them - possibly some reference to the schadenfreude that is so prevalent in the Clement/Frenais melancholy and the comparative hubris of Newcastle," says Kristian Petterson. "You can feel free to edit this post when you, naturally, feel compelled to publish its insightful brilliance." No can do: the delete button's not working.
2.40pm Glorious save from Jaaskelainen. Cole turned 25 yards out and instinctively clipped one towards goal which looped up off the knee of Cahill. Jaaskelainen was a few yards off his line but, just as the ball seem to be drifting over him, he dived left and backwards to fingertip it beautifully off the post and away for a corner. Wonderful save.
2.42pm Bellamy comes on for di Michele, who didn't have the greatest of games, and switch to 4-4-2 as a result.
2.47pm Bolton's midfield terriers have done great work today, particularly the ever-underrated Gavin McCann, 97, although it helps that West Ham keep coming inside with the ball. Ilunga hasn't really got on the ball in the final third since half-time.
2.51pm Zola has talked a lot about letting his players enjoy themselves, and empowering them to play with freedom, but there's a problem there in that the West Ham good, while wonderfully formidable when their side are underdogs, are probably as harsh as any on their players when things are going wrong. It's not easy to be creative when someone's calling you an effing cee all the time. Which, in a different way, might impact upon Newcastle I suppose.
2.52pm The excellent McCann tries to place one from 25 yards; it beats Green but goes just wide. He has a remarkable baldness pattern: receding heavily on top, but there's a completely bald bit down the middle, as if somebody's just zoomed the clippers straight down the middle and then got bored and given up. Either that or the Advanced Hair Studio doesn't do what it says on the tin.
2.56pm: West Ham 1-2 Bolton (Cole 69) Carlton Cole gets West Ham back in it. It was a pitiful goal from Bolton's point of view. A long corner from the right was headed back towards his own goal by Samuel, and Cole ran in front of Jaaskelainen to head in off the underside of the bar from a couple of yards. If Bolton blow this, they need their swingers repositioned.
2.58pm The in-no-way-nowhere-near-as-loyal-or-great-as-they-think-they-are West Ham fans are in fine voice now, and it's all moving towards the Bolton goal. Behrami screams one just wide from 25 yards. It's also kick off in four of the other games. Woot woot!
"Plenty of Bobby Moore-branded adverts on those hideously intrusive animated perimeter boards, but that's fair enough at the Boleyn Ground. The great man has been gone over 15 years now (and really should have a posthumous knighthood) but, incredibly, was born in the same year as Sir Alex Ferguson, which shows just how early he was taken. Here's my my favourite football photograph , showing that football was once a game and not just a business." That's not what the Colombian police thought at the time. But yes, amen to all those sentiments, especially the one about the knighthood.
3.02pm Bolton bring on Matt Taylor for Johan Elmander, which means Davies to centre-forward I guess, although I don't know who goes right side midfield. It's Taylor in fact, despite being all left foot.
In other news, do I stay with this game or go to Sky Sports News for multi-game updates but no live hot guy-on-guy action? Suggestions please.
"Re Newcastle's manager and the press interview," says James Boyce. "I first thought 'what a mouthful' but on reflection surely it was a fuKinnearful?" FU indeed.
3.04pm Here's Joe Mann. "I am also working on a Sunday, looking forward to aquaplaning home on the M25 in time for (most) of Chelsea v Villa. However, I can't say I'm looking forward to it much. I'm wearing my lucky Chelsea sweatband in conjunction with my lucky Chelsea pants because I'm scared of Villa. I sincerely hope your predictions are as crappy as usual, but alas, your reasoning and scoreline seem sound." Is there anything more tragic in life than lucky pants? I suppose my lucky sweatbands don't exactly scream "urban freewheeler".
3.05pm Fifteen minutes to go at Upton Park. A quick shift to Sky Sports News shows hat Phil Thompson's not doing the Liverpool game: he's on Spurs v Hull. That's probably put his nose out of joint, an achievement not to be sniffed at.
3.08pm Freddie Sears is on for West Ham. I missed who came off as I was flitting between Sky Sports 1 and Sky Sports News. Bolton, who have calmed things down well since the goal, bring on Joey O'Brien for Muamba.
3.09pm: Spurs 0-1 Hull (Geovanni 9) Spurs expected fireworks from a Giovani this season, but not like this. Actually that line doesn't work because, inconsiderately, they spell their names different. Anyway, Phil Thompson has an impromptu knee-trembler when Hull's Geovanni blasts a free-kick into the corner. Scoring one goal-of-the-season contender in North London could be considered fortunate; scoring two in two weeks suggests serious talent. Thompson and Merson concur that this goal was better than his goal at Arsenal last week. Blimey.
3.13pm In the live game, West Ham are still huffing and puffing without threatening to blow anything down. Six minutes to go, plus added-time.
3.15pm: West Ham 1-3 Bolton (Taylor 86) The substitute Matt Taylor adds another long-range screamer to his portfolio. It was a free-kick maybe 30 yards out and out towards the right and, with everyone expecting a clipped cross, Taylor just howtized it a few yards off the ground into the far corner. That said, it was fairly central and will probably go down as Robert Green's third mistake of the day. The problem is that everyone was set up for a cross and, in fairness, it was beautifully struck and also veering away into the corner.
3.19pm "Is there any news from the bank of TV screens you are watching about why Robbie Keane is not starting for Liverpool?" says Ian Copestake. Bank of screens? Eh? Try a 15-inch Tosumi and we'll go from there. "It would be nice to hear he just has a knock so as to nip in the bud naughty speculation about Rafa's man-management skills." The thing is, though, today's team is Liverpool's best front six, isn't it?
3.22pm: Man City 1-0 Liverpool (Ireland 19) It's Liverpool's year! Stephen Ireland gives City the lead, although I know nothing about the goal as I was on Sky Sports 1.
In other news, that's it at Upton Park. Bolton deservedly claim their first points away from home this season, although their best player was undoubtedly Robert Green.
3.23pm: Chelsea 1-0 Aston Villa (J Cole 23) Joe Cole smashes Chelsea ahead at the near post after a smart pass from Frank Lampard. Apparently it's been a very open game but now Chelsea will probably exert themselves and, as I predicted, win 2-0 or 3-0.
3.25pm: Everton team news
Everton (4-4-2): Howard; Hibbert, Jagielka, Lescott, Baines; Arteta, Osman, Fellaini, Pienaar; Saha, Yakubu. Subs: Nash, Yobo, Castillo, Vaughan, Nuno Valente, Rodwell, Anichebe.
Newcastle (4-4-2 with Duff up front by the look of things): Given; Taylor, Coloccini, Cacapa, Jose Enrique; Geremi, Butt, Guthrie, N'Zogbia, Owen, Duff. Subs: Harper, Bassong, Xisco, Ameobi, Edgar, Doninger, Donaldson.
Referee: Howard Webb (why on earth would we want to know where he's from, anyway?)
3.26pm "Villa are struggling but they haven't conceded yet. I am going to the be optimistic Villa fan for once and say that is good news," says George Templeton, patenting the new form of MBM - in which you tell us what's happening - and approximately 0 milliseconds before Joe Cole scored.
3.27pm: Portsmouth 1-0 Stoke (Crouch 25) Okay so technically it was 3.25pm but I'd already used that one. Anyway, Crouch makes it four goals in three games and surely secures three points for Portsmouth already. It was an absolute peach apparently, one of Crouch's overhead kicks. Or, as Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink on Sky Sports news says with a disconcertingly orgiastic smile, "Crouchy does an overhead kick... like Pele!"
In other news, Chelsea are over Villa apparently. Told you! "I haven't seen Chelsea play like this," says Paul Merson, before deciding not to finish the sentence, just because he can. Still, we got the point.
3.32pm Anyone out there? Robbie's lonely!
3.33pm "Robert Green was definitely culpable for the first two goals but blaming him for the third is redefining harsh," says Roy Allen. "It swerved all over the place and was travelling faster than Andy Reid chasing the sweet trolley. A great goal." I take your point, as it was wonderfully impudent from Taylor, and I'd like to see it again. But his starting position was very poor and he presumptuously put all his weight on his left foot, which left him completely exposed.
3.35pm Here's something worth clicking: our gallery of the weekend's action.
St Mirren have just taken the lead against Rangers with 12 minutes to go, through Stephen McGinn. Token what?
3.37pm: Phil Thompson does another impersonation of Meg Ryan in a coffee shop! "Goa- goa- ohhhhhh goodness," screams Thommo when Hull's Dean Marney hits the inside of the post against his old club. Hull, eh? Bloody hell.
3.40pm Here's Mike Gibbons. "Someone mentioned Jonathan Edwards earlier, having wrestled with his conscience over whether to compete on a Sunday or not for years he finally decided that he should - coincidentally at the same time he'd improved enough to be a medal contender at an international championships. Conscientious objection is prevalent in football though - just this year our own England team refused to play in Switzerland in Euro 2008 in protest at the Swiss banks' continued holding of Nazi looted treasure. I think."
3.41pm Rory Delap is going off injured for Stoke, which is a serious blow given that statistics show that they account for 104% of Stoke's goals. At White Hart Lane, Rob Styles books George Boateng for shouting at his own team-mate, Daniel Cousin. Can you book players for that? I suppose they can get sent off for punching each other, but still: get a life, ref. Rumours that Rob Styles has put a little sticker on his arse and his elbow, just so he can be sure, are unconfirmed.
3.43pm "Dunne as ever is playing immensely against Liverpool," says Ian Copestake, continuing this ingenious new MBM model. "Clearly I was projecting my own anxieties about Rafa with my question about Keane as I fear Rafa has put his foot in it by changing his formation after Keane finally got his confidence back. When he comes on and grabs the equaliser questions will be asked." They will. 'What brand of cheese have you been eating to have such funky and absurd dreams?' mainly, but I take your point.
The point on Dunne is certainly valid, though. He's outstanding.
3.44pm: IT'S LIVERPOOL'S YEAR! Garrido bends a superb free-kick into the top corner to put Manchester City 2-0 up against Liverpool, while Chelsea also go 2-0 up thanks to Nicolas Anelka, following up after a brilliant save from Brad Friedel. "This could have been six or seven," says Paul Merson.
Given the quality of my predictions this weekend, I'm happy to assert that it's already a two-horse title-race. I think this will do all sorts of damage to Liverpool's newfound self-esteem.
3.45pm "If one could get a card for yelling at one's teammates, a goalkeeper would get a red card by the second shot on goal," says Brandon Clements, not unreasonably.
3.48pm It's half time up and down this inglorious country of ours. The scores are:
Chelsea (J Cole, Anelka) 2-0 Villa
Man City (Ireland, Garrido) 2-0 Liverpool
Portsmouth (Crouch) 1-0 Bolton
Spurs 0-1 Hull (Geovanni)
I'm off to score some Colombian from the coffee machine. See you in a bit.
"Wow," says Geoff Ashworth. "Bolton must be tired after chasing down the M4 to play Portsmouth. No wonder Crouch finally got a goal."
3.54pm "I'm sitting in a hotel on my own in Tajikistan, have had the [insert family website-friendly word for bowel issues; you know, one that doesn't rhyme with 'hits'] for 2 weeks and my boss is coming out tomorrow to look at work I haven't done because I can't read Russian or speak Tajik," begins Pete. "I was watching live updates on NTV Spor and keeping an eye on Juve, but the hotel has decided to scramble that signal now. Is anyone in a more depressing situation, just to raise my spirits with a bit of schadenfreude? Responses from White Hart Lane aside...."
3.56pm "I agree that it's a two-horse race for the title," says Gary Naylor, lining up the inevitable punchline, "although I feel Hull will need a signing or two in January to push Chelsea all the way 'til May." He's here once a week ladies and gentlemen. Actually that's not true: he's here seven days a week, 24 hours a day.
Seriously, though, Hull? Bloody hell.
3.57pm If Liverpool lose, Benitez is going to get slaughtered for dropping Keane. I actually still think it was his best team, but of course these decisions are invariably judged with hindsight. He'll get savaged.
3.59pm In other news, I've just seen the first Chelsea goal and it's a gem: a really slick move across the face of the box culminating with an emphatic finish from Cole. There is no question that Scolari has changed the DNA of the club. The second was really harsh on Brad Friedel, who made an excellent double save from the onrushing Ballack, only for Anelka to clip the loose ball in.
4.01pm Right, we're off again. It's a big 45 minutes for, in no particular order: Rafa Benitez, Juande Ramos, David Bentley, Andy Dawson, Ed Chamberlain, Robinho and Ryan Reynolds.
4.07pm Villa have brought Cuellar and Milner on for Davies and Luke Young, while Di Santo is on for Anelka. Petrov drives just wide from 20 yards. Liverpool are denied an apparently decent claim for a penalty when Dunne sits on Dirk Kuyt inside the first minute of the second half. Actually that does look a penalty: Dunne, running behind Kuyt, knocks one leg onto the other and sends Kuyt tumbling. I don't think Dunne meant it, the blessed lummox, but it looked a foul.
4.08pm: Portsmouth 1-1 Stoke (Fuller) Delap didn't go off injured after all, and a long throw produces an equaliser. Kitson flicked on the throw and Fuller did the rest. Well, well.
4.10pm Portsmouth, their swingers cattle-prodded by the Fuller goal, come to life and Defoe hits the post. "I'm in Brisbane, staring down the barrel of seven assignments due in the next sixteen days, including three in the next three days, and finals in less than a month," says Russell Yong. "In typical third-year uni student form, I have somewhat masochistically chosen to focus on this clockwatch more than the blank Word page open on the other side, having resigned myself to pleading avian malaria in the hopes of getting another ill-gotten due date extension. On a bright note, Hull are doing well. Feel free to laugh." You're in Brisbane. I'm in England. You're you. I'm me. What the hell have I got to laugh about?
4.11pm: Portsmouth (Defoe) 2-1 Stoke Within a minute of hitting the post, Defoe gives Pompey the lead.
"Newcastle's Argentine Fabricio Coloccini looks more like his fellow countryman and defender Alberto Tarantini than anyone should in 2008," notes Gary Naylor. I've seen worse hairdos, mainly in mirrors.
4.12pm Juande Ramos, whose maverick substitutions have been a feature of his career, usually for good, has put - and you'll like this - David Bentley at right-back in place of Chris Gunter.
"Rob, any moaning about Liverpool won't just be from hindsight as I got mine started as soon as the team sheet was announced," says Ian Copestake, and he did, it's true, so all bow down and wash his feet. "Keane is no saviour but he was getting better and settling in. Drop him now and one is asking for problems." True that, but Alonso's been your best player this season, no? So who do your drop? Kuyt and put Gerrard wide right, maybe, but we all know that Stevie G is the greatest central midfielder in the history of the world - he's scored 100 goals! From only 7,312,124,157 shots! - and now even Rafa seems loath to put him wide.
4.15pm: Man City 2-1 Liverpool (Torres 55) Liverpool are back in it thanks to yet another away goal from Torres, who has already scored more goals away from Anfield in the league than he did all last season. Gerrard slid Arbeloa behind the defence on the right with a good first-time pass, and his sidefooted cross across the six-yard box was touched in by Torres. A slick, one-touch goal from Liverpool.
4.19pm: Everton 1-0 Newcastle (Arteta pen 17) A needless lunge from Nicky Butt on Leighton Baines (who was almost certainly offside when the ball was played to him) gives Everton a penalty, and the wonderful Arteta rolls it coolly into the corner. That's a barely fathomable error from someone of Butt's experience, and he knows it, walking away with his face betraying the sort of shame and regret usually seen by those queuing outside Wetherspoons waiting for it to open on a Monday morning.
4.22pm Ballack hoofs hilariously over from six yards, having planted his standing foot to the point that his left could only slice the ball over. That's a disgusting miss. I feel unclean just watching it. It's all Chelsea, though.
"On a brighter note, I've just found some pistachio nuts in my fridge," says Pete. "And the tele's started working - showing a re-run of Athletico's drubbing at the hands of Barca. Iniesta's haircut is enough to make anyone feel a little chirpier - even Gavin McCann. Tajikistan 1 - 0 Brisbane."
4.26pm Terrible miss from Robinho. The rejuvenated Wright-Phillips runs 70 yards unchallenged, then skins Aurelio and clips a wonderful ball across the face of the goal. It takes Reina out of the game but Robinho, on the stretch, volleys over an open goal from four yards. Those aren't as easy as they look, but still, that's what £32m gets you these days.
Robinho, like Baines, was offside by the way, but it wasn't given.
4.27pm: Zabaleta sent off for Man City For the second week in a row, a flying challenge on Alonso brings a straight red. But this week it was the right decision: it was a horrible attempt at winning the ball from Zabaleta, and his studs went right into Alonso's ankle on the full. You can't do that anymore. Mark Hughes is livid, but his opinion is worth less and less since he disappeared up his own hubris. It was definitely a straight red.
4.32pm Chelsea are putting on a masterclass of passing and movement. Villa's response is, er, Marlon Harewood, for John Carew.
Liverpool are bringing on Dossena for Aurelio, and Keane for Mascherano, so Gerrard drops back into midfield and Keane goes into the hole. City bring on Gelson Fernandes for Jo.
4.33pm: Man City 2-2 Liverpool (Torres 73) It might actually be Liverpool's year, especially if they pull this off. A superb, swirling corner from Gerrard is flicked beautifully into the corner by the wonderful Torres, and Phil Thompson has a smile that it would be my absolute pleasure to wipe from his face, were I so permitted.
"Re: Pete," begins Brisbane's Russell Yong. "No telly - housemate's on the Wii - but Brisbane to draw level on the basis of a large tin of Danish butter cookies and hot tea. That said it's done nothing to relieve the pressure that shall soon wreak a rather exotic-looking receding hairline all my own."
4.37pm "I didn't realise that Wetherspoons had mirrored windows," chuckles Andy Bradshaw, before ruining it all by using a smiley. "If Hull win at Spurs does that make it, along with Kinnear's press conference, the funniest week in Premiership history?" Nah. Not even a week scripted by comedy geniuses - say the Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps writing team - could produce another funnier than when Glenn Hoddle paid over £8m for Dean Richards will take some beating.
4.37pm: Everton 2-0 Newcastle (Fellaini 34) Deja vu all over again for Newcastle. Baines whips a cross to the near post, and Fellaini gets in front of Coloccini and Given to stab in his first goal for Everton. Decent finish, that.
4.40pm It's all Liverpool now against City's 10 men. Modric misses a sitter for Spurs at White Hart Lane. If they lose they will equal their worst-ever start to a league season, which took place in 1912-13, it says here.
4.41pm Ched Evans comes on for Robinho, Benayoun comes on for Riera, and then Torres has a great chance for a glorious hat-trick: on the stretch, he scooped a low Keane cross over the top from three yards out. Liverpool are going to win this: their rising tide is engulfing City.
4.47pm Five minutes to go at City, and indeed elsewhere.
4.48pm Skrtel looks like he's done himself a serious concern, which is a concern both in the short- (Liverpool have used all three subs) and long-term. It was a pretty innocuous chase with Ched Evans, but as he landed his knee twisted quite horribly, almost behind him. The stretcher is on and he's being given oxygen. That looks very, very nasty.
4.49pm: Everton 2-1 Newcastle (Taylor 45) Big goal for Newcastle on the stroke of half-time. Geremi flings in an excellent deep cross from the right and Steven Taylor, beyond the far post, rams a superb header in off the underside of the bar. I'm not sure what he's doing there, as it was from open play, but it was a storming header.
4.50pm It's ten-a-side at Man City, with Skrtel stretchered off. He's got his hands over his head and his leg strapped: I'm afraid there are no happy endings with this one. It has to be some form of ligament damage.
4.52pm: it really might be Liverpool's year! Dirk Kuyt has won it for Liverpool! Benayoun broke down the left before pulling it back to Torres on the penalty spot. When his shot was blocked, Kuyt sidefooted in for four yards. That's a decent finish actually, because Hart sprawled across the line of the ball but Kuyt was cool enough to get enough height on it to clear the keeper. An amazing comeback from 2-0 down at half-time.
It's impossible to overstate the psychological value of a victory like this. The Liverpool players are going absolutely mental. As I said at half-time, it's definitely a three-horse race this year.
4.53pm It's over at White Hart Lane: Spurs 0-1 Hull. Hull? Bloody hell. Chelsea have also beaten Villa 2-0. It could have been six or seven. Portsmouth have beaten Stoke 2-1.
4.54pm "Luka Modric must be the worst signing of the close season," says Gary Naylor. "In the most physical league in the world, he is a Kate Moss amongst the Katie Prices." I'm too depressed to comment.
4.57pm That's it: Liverpool have clinched a simply massive victory over Manchester City, having been 2-0 down at half-time.
So that's that apart from the second half at Goodison. If you don't want to know the scores, a) why are you reading a text-based website, you nugget? and b) look away now:
Chelsea 2-0 Villa
Everton 2-1 Newcastle (half-time)
Man City 2-3 Liverpool
Portsmouth 2-1 Stoke
Spurs 0-1 Hull
West Ham 1-3 Bolton
4.59pm I'm off for a break. See you for the second half at Goodison.
5.08pm Off we go again at Goodison. It's a pretty big half for these two downtrodden clubs.
5.09pm: Everton 2-2 Newcastle (Duff 47) Blimey. Two goals in quick succession, either side of half-time, have brought Newcastle back in the game. Taylor broke down the right - he might have been offside, but then so was Baines for the first goal - and fizzed an excellent low cross which was missed by Owen but swept in by Duff from eight yards. Brilliant work from Taylor, whose desire and enterprise have dragged Newcastle kicking and screaming back into this game.
Kinnear, incidentally, missed both goals as he moved to and from his seat in the directors' box either side of half-time.
5.11pm "If Joe Kinnear is only to be in the job for 6-8 weeks surely for comic effect the new full-time boss must be someone who can keep up the phenomenal level of potty-mouthed swearing," says Mike Gibbons. "The next Newcastle manager must - MUST - be Susie Green from Curb Your Enthusiasm." Imagine the offspring of her and Cussin' Joe.
5.15pm Everton are a bag of nerves, conscious of the fact that they've lost all three games at home in the league this season and are now in dangerous of losing a fourth to one of the bigger showers in football history. Except they're not anymore: Newcastle are pushing about like recovering amnesiacs who have remembered that, actually, they used to be quite competent at playing this game. A smart effort from Duff, 12 yards out and trying to place it in the far corner, is blocked by Lescott.
5.18pm Louis Saha, suddenly fit again and showing that his injuries at Old Trafford were in no way psychosomatic, almost scores a glorious own-goal, slicing a mishit corner from Duff into the side netting at the near post. N'Zogbia then forces a rudimentary save from Howard from range. I never thought I'd be typing these words today but I am actually a ladybo-, sorry, I mean, it's all Newcastle.
"Ha ha," says Lee Calvert, presuming mirth when there's none in this house. "After a long weekend of sampling what it's like to be a lone parent, I was hoping today would bring plenty to cheer me up. Instead, I have had to listen to an heroic Liverpool comeback with the winner scored by that ginger fraud Dirk Kuyt. Still, at least Spurs lost. Man City should beware the notion of buying success, Tottenham spent £77m on that shower."
5.20pm (aka 57mins) "If Newcastle want a manager to maintain Joe F'Kinnear's rate of expletives," begins Gary Naylor, "they could pick any Everton fan right now." What has happened? Everton looked, last season, like a team with such a solid spine and tactical set-up that there was only so much that could go wrong. It's bewildering to see them so ragged and so insecure, particularly defensively.
5.22pm The psychology of sport, eh? Bloody hell.
5.26pm Everton have a decent if insignificant spell of possession. This game is so precariously poised because both sides have the yips, like a tennis match in which both players keep dropping their serve.
5.27pm Superb save from Given. Osman clattered one first-time from the left of the box, and Given reached up to push it over. It was superb from Osman, who had no right to manufacture such a decent effort from such a prohibitive angle.
5.30pm You suspect that both sides would take this at the moment, but ultimately a draw's a better result for Newcastle. The trouble is that they know that and have adjusted their game accordingly, subconsciously sitting in and settling for a draw, and Everton are just building something resembling momentum as a consequence. All this needs is John Goodman screaming "I'll show you the life of the mind!" because it's hard to recall a sporting contest in which the minds and souls of all the participants have been laid so bare.
"It's the psychology of team sport that troubles Everton," says Gary Naylor. "Players are communicating anxiety to each other, multiplying it, like a wave building at sea. That's why the manager is so crucial - he has to radiate the self-belief required to flatten the anxiety. Not so easy to do if, like David Moyes, you're still quibbling over a contract renewal." I think that's absolutely a fair point. It's not entirely dissimilar to the farce that was the first half of Manchester United's 2001-02 season, when everybody thought Fergie was retiring at the end of the season. The sense of asphyxiating insecurity – particularly in home games – was very similar.
5.33pm (aka 70mins) Oof. Coloccini, unmarked, wins Geremi's corner and nods it towards the six-yard box, but Owen, who had a decent bit of space, couldn't control it with his left foot. A chance, that.
Substitution time: it's Anichebe for Saha, like for like. Moments later, Albert Hammond Fellaini Jr is booked for persistent offending.
Here's Lee Calvert. "Given the extremely specific criteria the NUFC fans lay down for any managerial candidates: Geordie (or honorary status), fan of the club, record of success at highest level, flair for creativity, and occasional delusions about importance of job and place in the great scheme of things. Step forward Mr Tony Blair. Do I get a honk? Or five pounds?" Would a restraining order do?
5.36pm Geremi takes one for the team, cynically defiling Pienaar to stop an Everton counter-attack. Well ok, he didn't defile him so much as foul him. I've always gotta romanticise stuff.
5.37pm (aka 74mins) Geremi is replaced by Shola Ameobi. He goes up front and Duff moves to the right-wing.
5.40pm And so it swings again, as Newcastle have a decent spell. Given that Everton's next two games are Arsenal and Manchester United, a defeat doesn't bear thinking about here. Fellaini wrestles Butt to the floor on the edge of the area, but Guthrie's free-kick goes straight into the wall.
5.40pm Heroic clearance from Baines on the line. Ameobi muscles past Lescott to front up Howard, squares it to N'Zogbia six yards out, and his stab towards goal is cleared for a corner by Baines. What a huge escape for Everton.
5.42pm Now it's Newcastle who look the team most likely (not to have an epic nervous breakdown right there on the field). If anyone is going to score a winner, it's them, although that will probably change again in the next few minutes. This is such a bizarre game of football.
"I like Lee Calvert's person spec for the manager's job at NUFC," says Gary Naylor, "but I'd go with Terry Collier of the Likely Lads, as he would do the plaintive sense of non-fulfilment too."
5.44pm Is there anything more confusing that when spam emails hit the spot, and for those few seconds you wonder 'How did they know?' before you realise it's spam. To wit, "Put your most intimate problems to bed," says Dayne.
5.48pm Huge shout for a penalty for Everton. Yakubu was through on the right of the box, but he actually overhit his cross to Anichebe. However, Anichebe had got in a right tangle with Taylor and went over. Replays weren't conclusive either way, but, as everyone says, they've been given. There's no way Anichebe was getting to the ball, although that's not really relevant so I don't know why I said it. In your face economical word-use!
Meanwhile, Vaughan is on for Pienaar and now it's Everton who are pushing for a winner.
"Dear Rob," says Mac Millings. "I looked it up, and defile (5.36pm) means:
1.to make foul, dirty, or unclean; pollute; taint; debase; 2.to violate the chastity of; 3.to make impure for ceremonial use; desecrate; 4.to sully, as a person's reputation. Is that really your definition of 'romantic'?" You've never lived in Rochester have you?
5.49pm Oof. A delicious effort from Anichebe curls just wide of the far post from the left corner of the box. Shay Given wasn't getting there at all.
5.50pm At the other end, Ameobi tries one of those classy, Thierry Henry out-to-in finishes. It goes - at a conservative estimate - five yards wide. Know your limits, son.
5.51pm A very harsh free-kick goes against Duff wide on the Everton left, in a really dangerous position. Arteta clips it in but Yakubu, six yards out, heads it onto his own shoulder and thus takes all the pace off it, allowing Given to claim. That was a real chance; he just mistimed his jump.
5.52pm There will be three minutes of added time. I'd love to know what David Moyes' blood pressure is just now.
5.55pm. Full time: Everton 2-2 Newcastle That's the end of a remarkable contest, in which both sides seem to be competing to show which was having the bigger nervous breakdown. Ultimately it's a better result for Newcastle, not least because they were 2-0 down before the admirable Steven Taylor took it upon himself to do something about it, but both sides were all over the place mentally. There are no quick fixes for these particular showers, but at least they inadvertently provided 90 minutes of unmissable car-crash TV.
Right, that's that Six games, 19 goals, three showers, and at the end of it all Chelsea stay top and Spurs stay bottom. Oh and Hull are now third. Thanks for all your emails. Clockwatches? Bloody hell.
